“A holy family is a family who lives for God.”

This was the message in today's homily that the priest at my church gave during mass this evening. From the moment I walked in, there was a wound begging to be addressed. The man passing out the bulletins near the entrance, as he always does, asked me where the "little buddy" was, referring to a small child. He's seen me there every week for the past year and a half. Once he realized his mistake he apologized and said he had me confused with someone else. I just thought that was weird, being that the topic of conversation today was about family. The homily our priest gave was very emotional and he got choked up talking about how his father originally didn't want him to be a priest because he wanted him to get married so he would have grandchildren. Then last year, around this exact time, his father was sick and he performed a mass for him at his bedside. He was able to give him his last rites, and seconds after he anointed him with oil, he died. He wondered if his father's last thoughts could have been "Thank God my son is a priest." He went on to discuss the purpose of families and that it's about giving your life. It's not about us, it's about God. A family who lives for God is a holy family. It did leave me teary-eyed on and off for the rest of the evening and on the drive home because I wondered where I even fit into any of that. What is my purpose, then? I don't have a family of my own and I gave up my life for my mother to take care of her, but I didn't *choose* to be single. Life just handed that to me. I do accept whatever God has planned for me, but it's a shame because giving intimate love has always been very important for me. I've struggled with codependency with my mother and after she was sick, establishing healthy boundaries went out the window. I just gave up and figured my purpose was never mine to keep. And that part is true. But she has recovered by the grace of God, and yet I am still alone... just in this limbo state where I still am attached to her and desiring to have a different kind of holy family. She won't be around forever, so if my sole purpose was to live for her and sacrifice for her... where does that leave me when she's gone?

Mystic Trip

Enter my realm of softness and night

Follow as I lead you to a world of delight

on a deep mystic trip

Taste the fruit that lingers hard on my lips

I come close and feel your wound,

wrap my fingers gently around 

Cupid's arrow...

What do you see in me but your need?

Here and there you catch a glance of the wild fire

and restrain your desire to stoke the flames

for fear it will consume all that you are.

Have you been within my skin, all along?

When I was unaware, did you sneak within the cracks

to enter into my spirit 

and did you find

you were already there?

Did our spirits dance or did you hide?

Walk along the moonlit shore, beside a forest of trees

Under their shadows roses are nestled in the darkness

Will you lie and rest there with me?

Sundays with Lyle

After being a full-time caregiver for my mother, I transitioned to another type of caregiver role for my job. For the past year, I have been working at a rehabilitation facility where I do recreational therapy with Memory Care residents. I work on Sundays, so I attend Saturday evening mass every week due to my schedule. Part of my job on Sundays at work is to transport the memory care residents from all three wings of memory care into one cottage for church services. Due to where I currently live, the dominant religion here is the LDS church, so it is an LDS sacrament meeting that I have to attend with the residents. Most of the residents were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I help the lower-cognitive residents to take the bread and water that’s blessed and I sit next to my favorite resident, Lyle, every week. He's a 92-year-old former Marine and a southern wise-cracking gentleman from North Carolina. We sit off to the side a little. He sits in the big comfy chair and I sit next to him on a little round table near the fish tank, and he insists that I take his chair and that he sits on the little table. Every day he talks about how we should get married. One day during sacrament, he whispered to me (loudly) "I'll always remember church, and I'll always remember you. Until the day I die." Aww! 

I struggled for a while, thinking that I should be going to my own church on Sundays for holy obligation and that Saturday evenings didn't "count", but I feel kind of better about it now, because not only am I providing care on that day, but I help people with their spiritual connections (even though it is different from my faith). I even occasionally see the priest from my church there giving blessings and the anointing of the sick (which I helped with one day and was able to lay hands on the person with him and some of the residents' family members). We don't have any more Catholic residents right now, but there are sometimes short-term patients on the other side of the building in rehab who request a priest to come.

Today, after the service, the new branch president of the Priesthood took my hands into his and asked my name and said “you are so beautiful” in front of a bunch of people (which was kind of awkward for a second) but he said I have such a bright light inside me that he sees in all that I do for the people there. That caught me off guard a bit, but he saw me not only taking care of the residents, but also my coworker who has a lot of health problems, herself, and was dizzy and nauseous from low blood sugar. Not that I needed someone to take notice, but someone did… and it really felt almost like Jesus was reminding me of my light. That brought some joy to my day because I know God is calling me to be there right now. That what I’m doing has meaning and is important and appreciated.

Also, Lyle was funny today. While I was helping him up off the bed after he napped, he kind of struggled to sit upright and groaned at himself, “Get up, a**hole!” Lol 😂 He for sure has a bit of a foul mouth sometimes, but he’s a genuine gentleman. I can tell he was a good man in his life and he really respects and loves women. He went from talking about us getting married to thinking I’m his wife now somehow. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Here’s a picture of Lyle.  And that’s Georgia on his lap. She’s such a flirt with the guys! Hehe.

I’m not going to be okay when Lyle is gone. He’s always holding my hand and kissing it and putting his arm around me and asking me if I’m cold or if I’m okay if he sees I’m rubbing my neck. (He's very perceptive!) When I’m not right there, he asks if I’m coming back, too. I heard him do that today. 

I know that God sent me to be there. Lyle sometimes carries around oatmeal creme pies in his pocket (which he keeps stocked in his room in a jar), and I have had a long-standing inside joke with God that involves oatmeal creme pies, so I am sure that this is where I am supposed to be for now. 

Eterna Fontana d'Amore

If I could

I would kiss away your wounds, take your pain 

into me and breathe it out like black smoke.

I would love the ache out of your soul.

Make love to the blood in your veins.

Release you from all that binds you.

If I could keep your smile from ever leaving

your face, I would wring myself dry.

I'd shake the Heavens with my cry

If I could love you into being, I would.

But I am broken

my tongue is a razor

I'd steal your smile with my mouth

I cannot love so purely as I want.

My love remains as water in the eternal fountain.

Into Me See (with God)

See into me, my God;

The only one who knows my heart

and my true needs, beyond my wants. 

Who receives my honesty

and doesn’t twist. 

Hear my deepest longings—

Truths not spoken by the lips.

Bend me and break me

Show me that I don’t know myself

Let me see my own heart

from new perspectives 

and learn to trust you on my knees,

in the dark.

Make my heart 

A training ground 

For your perfection. 

Our Heart’s Desire and Satisfaction in God

Meditating on psalm 131 today. I had a question in my heart and have been discerning the answer over the past couple days. I asked, “does God delight more in giving us the deepest, genuine desire of our heart or when we willingly sacrifice it for Him?”

I think God wanted me to know that of course He delights in giving us the desires of our hearts, but why would we sacrifice this if not for even greater joy? Why would we sacrifice if we feel we are striving against God? Pushing against a current? Then we are no longer offering something out of love, but with resentment. God never wants us to resent him or see Him as a Tyrant, where we give something up for some other good or for what we think is His good or will, when it’s really not but only what we think he wants and he does not want us to be miserable! We should want to align our will and desires with His, but not surrender what we do not actually want to surrender. He’s on our side. He delights in both. He delights in our highest capacity for joy. He wants us to rest in his peace and find satisfaction in him. Psalm 131 reminds me of that. ❤️

(Also, when this sacrifice is out of our control and we didn’t ask for it, but we accept it willingly, I think God is also pleased.)

ETA:

After some reflection and prayer, I realized that I was asking the wrong questions (or in the wrong way). When I asked whether God delights more in giving us the deepest, genuine desires of our heart or when we willingly sacrifice it for him... I was approaching it like Salty McSaltsalt over here. I wasn't looking at it from an eternal perspective. God having better plans for us doesn't necessarily mean in this life. It doesn't mean there's this one person that God has in store for us that we wait for. This life could very well be full of suffering and some people never find that person (or have children), but it's about WHO WE BECOME in this life and the state of our hearts. Maybe that happens with a partner, maybe that happens in our giving and sacrificing and serving others. I used to think there was a person out there for me. Like a little girl that still wanted to believe in Santa Claus, I still wanted to believe in a "soulmate" for a long time, but I do know that soul mates are made, not found. In the meantime, God wants me to grow and heal and he's testing my heart in many ways that I wouldn't have learned from or grown through in the past when I was flailing in the wind blindly without the trust of Christ. So, it's not about whether God wants to give you what you want or whether he'd rather see you surrender it. That's not the point. I still think Psalm 131 applies, though, as we should find contentment in all situations and trust in the Lord and wean ourselves from the desire of worldly things. Not so much that we become coldly unattached, though. There is so much beauty in God's created things. :-) 

“COME HOME” (A Late-night Walk)

I was feeling deep despair in my heart tonight and was having thoughts that I really can't do this anymore (my life). I went for one of my late-night walks to get some fresh air, but without any music. It was cold, but not frigidly so. Still, I bundled up in a winter coat, scarf and beanie because for some reason crying makes me cold. I'm glad I did have that on, though, because it started lightly drizzling and it made it comfortable--even pleasurable--to bear. It was close to midnight and there wasn't a car on the road. I could only hear cars on the highway in the distance. Usually, even at that time of night, multiple cars would annoyingly pass me in my neighborhood, but I didn't see one human on my entire half-hour walk. The breeze lightly rustled the fall leaves, and I could hear the light drizzle of rain tapping on the shoulders of my jacket. The beginning of my walk, I was still weepy and taking desperately pained breaths as I called out to Jesus to help me. I passed some houses that had Christmas lights up already and thought of how Jesus came to earth as an infant. This started to bring some peace to my heart. Then I approached a house that had a sign outside of the front door, partially covered by part of the house. I could only read the word "COME" out of the whole word "Welcome". The house next door had a similar sign of the same size, and it read, "HOME". 

COME HOME.

At first, I thought, "am I going to die soon"? Then I thought, "But what if you were? What would you do?". For some reason this calmed me. What is the MOST IMPORTANT thing I could do? 

I observed the beauty of the orange leaves on a particular tree as my legs carried me forward, walking as if on autopilot. Not even feeling my legs moving, just looking around as if I was on a ride. I thought of how I would often look out the car window quietly as a child, just observing the world around me and not really having any thoughts, just being present. I still do this, and people sometimes wonder what I'm thinking. I am literally present with God's beauty and no thoughts sometimes. 

My brain circled back around to what is most important. I always say, "Love, Love...", but how vague. I realized, despite my kicking and screaming, maybe I actually do want to be a mom. Due to my woundedness, I never saw myself becoming one or desiring to be one. For some reason, I thought there was "more" that I wanted and settling into family life was a weak choice for me. I wanted different things growing up. I used to want to be a filmmaker. I never saw an example of a healthy marriage or family, so I had no basis for comparison. I wanted to avoid it at all costs. Perhaps now, I see the gift of the power to create life as one of the most important things one can experience on this earth. My attempts to reach this were disordered most of my life. Always seeking the spark. The thing that ignites the fire, but never stepping into the fire. I wanted more and more, but never was satisfied. I feel that squandering this gift of creating life would be a real shame. But I can't do it alone. I need the whole trinity, as a mirror of the Holy Trinity. Unfortunately, I was called to exist for my mother for most of my life and became her caregiver by myself. I'm not sure what my future holds at this point, but I was holding mostly terror in my heart about it until I realized that maybe I always wanted to just give Love. And maybe that's actually OKAY. This is looked down upon in our culture and I really believed that I wasn't respectable because I didn't end up making a living at a "successful" career. Family members voiced their disappointment in me in the past because they thought I wasted my intellect. I still judge myself in this regard. I still feel deep down that no one would love me enough to put up with my crap and my lack of success in an esteemed profession. How boring would I be if I were to simply just love? To take care of a home and husband? I felt that I would never be dangerous enough for a man to want to stay if I was simply just a "good wife". This may be a lie, but experiences taught me otherwise. Maybe my wounds kept me bound for too long. Now that I'm loosing my binds, perhaps I can give fully and totally in this way (the right way) before it's too late.

Meditative Healing Prayer

(Perhaps in sharing this, it could help other people call upon the Holy Spirit to heal deep Father wounds. These father wounds damage our sexuality in a deep way and it can take root in the belly of our being, affecting all our relationships. It’s very difficult when we have been violated by father figures, had absent fathers, or have never had healthy relationships with men. It can be hard to relate to God the Father in Heaven.) 

I dedicated some time tonight to meditative prayer while taking a candlelit bath. After calling upon the Father, I proceeded to cry on and off for the first 10-20 minutes. I asked for help, and called on the Holy Spirit. I immediately felt the Holy Spirit come upon me, and it did descend rather like a dove, cloaked in white robes. It was a very commanding spirit (not mean) but told me exactly who it was and what words to say clearly. I repeated the words that came to my mind and I didn't know what I was saying at first. I cannot remember all of what I said, but I know I recited part of the Nicene Creed. (...The Lord the giver of Life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son, who with the Father and the Son is adored and glorified, who has spoken through the prophets.) There were words spoken of an espousal of the heart (to put it one way) and I more or less said certain vows. This let me know that I was not alone. And never would be. 

I untied the knots that were binding me to anything that was not of God and periodically I would let out hard sighs as I released emotions and any trauma I held in my physical body. At first I asked "Father, reclaim me as your daughter, but as soon as it came out of my mouth, I knew that I had to rephrase that to "Father, I reclaim myself as your daughter." It was something I had to do on my own, as He never left me. I repeated it over and over again until I really felt the sense of "Father" being healed to the depths of my belly. I felt myself, as his creation, being made by his hand and releasing attachment to "father" figures.  I felt my connection with the Lord, creator of Life, renewed and with the innocence of an infant, I was made new by the blood of the lamb. I repeated "I am made new by the blood of the lamb" and dunked myself under the water. 

It's powerful because everything means something. Words. Our bodies. What we do with our bodies. The rituals we do. What I did was efficacious because I put intention into action. I said the words. I physically dunked myself and that was symbolic. (I've already been baptized as a baby, but this was different.) All symbols have meaning in the physical world. What we do here matters. And that's what I'm supposed to tell all of you. What you do matters. And if what you do matters, in all that you do, the best thing you can do is to Love in every moment. Speak words of Love, may your actions be love. May what you symbolize be love. Bring about love here. Plant real fruit. Don't just habitually do things or enjoy things for the sake of enjoying them. When the Lord said be fruitful, he meant it. Not just fruitful in multiplication, but in all of your being. In all that you do, may you always be planting seeds for the most beautiful fruit to grow. Here and in Heaven. Amen. 

Mini soapbox time

Just because I'm Catholic doesn't mean I'm going to judge others. It doesn't mean I judge myself or guilt trip myself. Someone else's experience with religion does not define how I love or worship God. I don't choose to show less of myself on display because someone else is "filthy" or because I judge them. I want to be seen and loved. I WANT to act in accordance with how my soul deserves to be treated. I want to act in such a way that doesn't harm others or myself. But I'm not sitting here guilting myself if I fall. I'll be completely frank here….I gave myself a huge mind-blowing orgasm yesterday that made me have tears in my eyes, but you know what? I'm not filled with unhappiness or guilt, nor do I want to keep doing it all day again and again. I do not feel that God is disappointed in me. I move on. I refocus and thank God that he loves me. I'm not all twisted up inside.  I may lose friends because they think I'm living a life that I can never be happy with, but you know what? Your perception of me is not me. I want to cultivate friendships where we aspire one another to our absolute heights. There's more to life than indulging in things because "life is short".

Softening my Heart...

God has been working so deeply on my heart in so many ways over this past year. I've learned a lot from my job doing recreational therapy with elderly dementia sufferers. When things got tough and I nearly left, I realized this is where God wanted me to be. I stuck it out and found a deeper joy in what I do and a stronger connection with those in my care. When a new coworker came on board, I thought I could never get along well with someone with her personality. She talked soooo much. Haha. I have always been more of an introvert. One day, she injured her knee pretty badly, and as a massage therapist with a genuine desire to help heal others, I got down on my knees on the tile floor in our little back office and massaged her knee. I ran across to the other side of the entire facility to get her some crutches from the PT gym and brought her ice packs, too. From then on, I opened my heart more to her and now I realize that I am often talking my head off to her! (I see what you did there, God!) I'm so grateful to be able to recognize these blessings and receive them from God into my life.

Desire for the Consuming Fire

Feelings and Imitation

Feelings are fleeting and can't be trusted when making big decisions, but they can be amazing tools to reveal to us our own hearts. If we know how to look into them and decode them, we can learn a lot about our desires and make better decisions. 

Imitation is indeed the highest form of flattery. As humans, we love to imitate and that is terrific. If that which we are imitating is good and true and beautiful, and we have grown enough to be drawn to emulate that instead of chasing after shadows (the shadow self that we see in others) in an attempt to alleviate our own damages, we are coming closer to imitating Christ.

My feelings reveal what I am drawn to and what my heart actually desires. I am so grateful to be drawn to that which is good and true and beautiful now. I can spot those qualities in others, and I can fall in love with good and truth and beauty, itself. I am, in fact, getting closer and closer to the perfected love that God is worthy of. However, none of us will likely reach that perfected Love while we are here. He is molding my heart in many ways that only He knows how. 

I find in myself desires that can be found here on this earth, and also some that cannot. I desire to be close to God's heart. For him to reveal his heart to me. I desire to BE those qualities that I find attractive and that I want to emulate. To become that which is true and good and beautiful so that I can draw that to myself. I desire a partner who can fulfill the desires of my human heart in ways that are not the same as what God alone can satisfy. I am truly present here in my body, and I desire another body to "burn" with in a consuming Love of God.

Enter into my fire

Envelop me in Love

To consume and be consumed

I hunger to serve

And to taste

My Sweet God to me:

Come you and seek peace in the heart of my fury

Your broken heart I’ll set ablaze

In all my glory, all my rage

Upon you in your darkest hour--

the white purifying fire of my loving gaze.

My love, consume me

As my love consumes you.

Come close and taste my wild flame.

CIY Day 275 - Superstition, Idolatry and Magic

CIY Day 275 - Superstition, Idolatry and Magic

Super interesting topics today!

One thing that made me think was the idea of superstition and how it relates to "magical thinking" in the OCD brain. My aunt has really bad OCD. I have it to some degree, although I don't get consumed by fear. The thoughts come, but I mostly know they are irrational and most likely my brain's need to create a stressful situation out of habit and possibly the need for control. Something silly like a traffic light might trigger a thought like, "If the turn arrow is still green when I'm turning, then (THIS) will happen", or some other nonsense If/Then scenario. Maybe I'll get a little anxiety, or my heart rate will quicken, and I'll try to make the light "or else". LOL. But I know these thoughts are irrational, and yet sometimes I can't control them. Does this really count as superstition? It's not quite the same as having "lucky underwear". Haha.

Much of my life, I was very spiritual but very misguided. I did have some gifts which I felt fit best in the area of psychic/mediumship because I was unaware of the church’s teachings on charisms. I’ve had spirits visit me in dreams, and I’ve experienced a sexual interaction with a spirit (which I go into a little more detail HERE.). I do not condone this and realize at this point, that as loving and beautiful as it seemed at the time and as “special” as it made me feel, ultimately this experience was demonic. I fully regret the experience and I advise everyone against engaging in it. I also dabbled in shamanism (with the intent of healing others and vision questing). I never put both feet into anything in that area, though, and always kept a good, level head on my shoulders. I felt that Jesus always kept me from going too far into anything that would harm my soul. I was raised Catholic; baptized and confirmed, but strayed for about 27 years before reverting.

😊 So grateful to come back home. ❤️

Now that I know more about charisms, I embrace my gifts in a whole new way and with discernment. Christ is the center of my focus and I often find it helpful to pray to the saints and archangels, especially Archangel Michael for protection. It's so amazing and powerful. None of that inferior magic drivel compares to the love of Christ and the power that His name has. Demons shiver and run away at the sign of the cross and speaking Jesus' name.

Someone recently recommended the book or training program "Unbound" to me. I'm probably going to check it out soon, as it could be super helpful, especially in the area of deliverance prayers.

He answered my prayers

She always wanted Love, above all else. She prayed for the highest Love, asked God for it often. Little did she know, He gave his daughter all the Love she asked for and more. He brought her the troubled and broken hearted so that she will teach them and heal them with her Love. He gave her a bad spine so that she would know suffering and how to Love through it and conform it to Christ’s suffering. He gave her many roles as caregiver, to Love those who needed someone like her. He gave her much suffering, so that her heart could become truly purified. Oh, God Loved her much. He gave her His perfect Love. She realized her whole life was, in fact, Love. ❤️ 

I now know he answered my prayers. I am so grateful. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I Love you. Amen.”

To Love a woman…

He is urged to become a better man. If he loves her, he will fight to. He will learn to lay down his life for the other and in his fight to serve by competent generosity, he will more closely imitate Christ. She will open his heart to God and she will let him lift her higher. Hand in hand, flesh of flesh, they walk a shared path to Heaven. And aspire one another to its heights.

Loving Creatures

"Late have I loved you, beauty so old and so new: late have I loved you. And see, you were within and I was in the external world and sought you there, and in my unlovely state I plunged into those lovely created things which you made. You were with me, and I was not with you. The lovely things kept me far from you, though if they did not have their existence in you, they had no existence at all. You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours."

—St. Augustine, from “Confessions”. 

This quote really resonated with me. The other night, I also read some of Thomas Merton's "New Seeds of Contemplation". Oddly enough, Chapter 4 - "Everything That Is, Is Holy" is about loving created things.

Is it possible, that Saint Augustine is not saying that the creaturely things are themselves actually unlovely, but that he loved them in an unlovely state? (i.e. not loving God with perfected Love?) He still calls the things "lovely things". He says they kept him from God but that if they didn't have their existence IN God, they had no existence at all. So these created things are also holy and exist in Him. Maybe it's not the "things" we need to detach ourselves from in order to attach to God, but from the self that we have made into an idol. When we use these created things for the sake of an egotistical false self, we corrupt these good things (though they may not be inherently evil) and increase the attachment to the illusory self. We can often treat the good things of God as if they are evils and pat ourselves on the back for denying them altogether. 

As Thomas Merton points out, "It is not true that the saints and the great contemplatives never loved created things, and had no understanding or appreciation of the world, with its sights and sounds and the people living in it. They loved everything and everyone."

Can we ever love God perfectly and the way He deserves? No. I don't believe we actually can as broken humans, and most of us have no idea what Love really is. Love has become a socially acceptable ghost to the masses. If we can't ever love God perfectly, can we still love things for His sake and not the Self? Is it our trying to love God perfectly by trusting in His will that allows us to glorify him by his creations?

Merton says, "For until we love God perfectly His world is full of contradiction. The things He has created attract us to Him and yet keep us away from Him. … In all created things we, who do not yet perfectly love God, can find something that reflects the fulfillment of heaven and something that reflects the anguish of hell."

Merton thinks it childish to hate and revile created things to try to please God. Can we have the kind of morality where we love good things without having a perpetual duel with guilt? 

We can’t ever love God with perfected Love, and so we cannot love his creations perfectly. Try we must, to Love him perfectly with our unlovely imperfect hearts and trust in His will so that we can love “things” for His sake, not for our illusory “Self” we’ve created as an idol.

Dear God, grant us your grace as we strive for perfected love of you and your holy creatures that are in and of you. ❤️

Heaven's Little Bird

Little bird builds her nest 

piece by piece for heaven.

She crafts from the rubble in her life

a soft nook to rest her head in.

She carries little twigs and sticks

that no one sees her place. 

The most painful times have left behind

The best cushion, white bridal lace.

Little bird builds her nest, 

gently and discreetly.

Although her wings ache,

she still sings sweetly.

When Autumn ends and Winter comes,

she knows she'll have a place to land;

Secure in the palm 

of God's warm loving hand.

*

(Her song is one of joy and woe

Her flight's been hard

But she's Loved so!)

(Art by Vanessa Horabuena)

"D" and "R"

I do know. Despite my cries that I don't. Despite the fear that sometimes rattles my heart, urging me back to what I know is not right. Anything I move towards, I know that I want to choose someone or something because I CHOOSE it, not out of a reaction to a fear.

My brain is sneaky... I even fool myself into thinking my heart doesn't know truth or what it wants. It does. I do. I need more patience, and above all, the virtue of hope.

For the past year and a half of being single, I kept the prospect of my previous relationship on the backburner. Let's call him "D." It was easy to remember only the good times with D. and the good qualities about him. He's not a bad person, but deeply wounded. He was a former ordained minister at a Pentecostal church, where he was also a youth minister. He is highly intelligent and loves God above all else. He often would do 21 or even 30 day water fasts, so that does say something about his character. He struggled with PTSD from what happened at the church and it was a major pain point that he never really recovered from. He also battled cancer in his 20's, which contributed to his PTSD. When I came into his life, he was drinking heavily and would drink until he blacked out--The "D." that he showed the world would black out and another personality would come forward that was very dark. I do believe that there are demonic attachments to him. 

After God forced me out of that living situation when my mom was sick, I continued a constant connection with him. I conveniently let slip from memory all of the wounds to my heart, psyche and soul. As I remained friends with him, I found him as my only confidante, and in my isolation over the past few years, many of my friendships had fallen away. I felt like he was all I had and he was the only person in my life who really knew me anymore. The traumas we experienced together kept us bonded. For a while, he was seeing a therapist, had stopped drinking, and was even reading some of Saint John Paul II's Theology of the Body, as I was. We sent funny memes to each other almost every day. I seemed to forget that while I was living with him for three and a half years, he would put me in a position to need him and then I would be criticized for not standing on my own two feet. He would give me the key to my cage and tell me I was free.

Over the past year and a half since I left, I allowed him to become a "back-up plan" if it looked as though my life would lead me to a lonely, bleak future. This is not only not fair to his dignity, but it blocks me from actually making way for a bright future whereby the highest possibility of Love can be brought about. 

Recently, God gave me a moment of divine clarity while I was speaking with D. on the phone. He had started drinking again, unfortunately, but not surprisingly. He started making less and less sense as he continued babbling, and then he said something that completely shifted my heart in one moment. I immediately saw things from a higher perspective and dropped all attachments. I felt bad for him and realized he NEEDED my prayers. This could be the entire reason I was brought into his life. Even if it did take me nearly 5 years to realize it. He desperately needs God's help. I realized so many things from so many angles at once, that it felt like it wasn't a human perspective, but divine. I felt Love making way. Not my love. Not for my own highest good, but the highest possibility of love for all. A higher vision. A higher good for all in far-reaching ways. It's not about me moving on or being "happy". It's not about me at all. Realizing that was so freeing. I am so grateful. 

The next day, I reached out to someone from my past. I'll call her "R." When I was thirteen years old, I had a sexual relationship with a girl (before I ever was with a male) and I was with her for two years. This person was R. She was the only woman I had feelings for and I never had a relationship with another woman throughout my life since her. Our dynamic changed to being more like sisters and best friends over time. It was a deep friendship but was punctuated by long periods of separation. During the times we were out of one another's lives, it would feel like something was not right in the order of the universe. I was living with D. during the pandemic, and that's when it seemed the final dissolution of our friendship happened. Not only did differing ideologies create a schism, there was so much hurt under the surface of our skin, that we would easily trigger this pain in one another. It just seemed hopeless. 

Yesterday we talked again for the first time in about two years. We have known one another for almost 30 years now! She has been reading a lot lately, as I have, and has even been reading some work from the saints and mystics! We shared our ridiculously long list of books on our reading lists, and we decided to read one together using an app like a virtual book club. Talking to her again brings so much peace to my heart, and it came at a time when I finally released attachments that were keeping me in a place of fear (especially of being alone). I know that I am never alone, especially since Jesus walks with me, but I really feel a hole has been filled. A hole that only a nurturing friendship can fill. This friendship can now be a holy and spiritually-fulfilling one, too. I am so full of gratitude. God has so many aces up his sleeve. I continue to be floored by his active presence.

ETA:  Oh, but there's more.

God certainly put a PERIODT at the end of the sentence that was my and D's relationship. With this recent revelation, I am free to Love him fully now without any self-interest. This is a more purified version of the Love I could give. It releases the prospect of ever returning to the relationship. I can truly will his good. He has been so angry for so long. Angry at the world, angry at God... but really, he was always angry with himself. I will be there for him as a friend always. For some reason, I usually do end up counselling those who have hurt me (especially exes), and perhaps this is part of my gift, and I should see it as one. God is Love. And Love will always make way. (I can hear Jeff Goldblum's voice as Ian Malcom saying, instead of the word life, "Love...uh... finds a way." Haha.)

Making Movies for God

I just wanted to share this because it's so cute. God writes little love letters to me, and I write little love letters back... it's adorable. I'm really grateful because I had been feeling drained and rather depressed. I'd been having feelings of despair lately in my heart and was unsure of what step to take next.

Today God spoke clearly to me. I was in the same section of the bookstore where he spoke to me clearly once before (I talk about that HERE)--In the religion section, literally right under C.S. Lewis' books. This section is like an oracle now! Haha. If I want clear answers, I should just go there and ask God my question.

For some background, I originally majored in film production in college, focusing on screenwriting and directing. Life led me down a different path, though, where I was focusing on health and healing of the physical body (as a massage therapist, health and wellness counselor, and most recently working at a rehab facility doing recreational therapy with elderly dementia residents.) But my heart has been pulling me back to the creative arts. I've been considering whether I should pursue more "logical" endeavors or go back to filmmaking. 

As I was browsing the religion section of the bookstore, a book stuck out to me again (just like last time). The title was: "Making Movies" by Sidney Lumet. It didn't even belong in that section! I picked it up to see if maybe it intertwined the analogy of filmmaking with religion, but it was literally a book on filmmaking. I looked through it, and I ended up buying the book because it was actually a pretty good, well-rounded one on filmmaking! (I also bought Albert Camus' "The Myth of Sisyphus" because I've been meaning to read that for a long time. ANYWAY, I was super inspired, not only to start getting back into my passion of filmmaking and screenwriting, but it also gave me an idea about how filmmaking actually IS related to God. I'm super excited and passionate about this, so excuse me while I nerd out here and draw parallels between God and film.

We are literally making movies for God.

God shines his Light (Love) into us, and it shines through our action images, by means of our bodies (or a projector), outward onto a "screen" (life). The human soul plays out a unique film of God's Love.

I wrote this short bit of prose about the analogy of God's Love and a film projector a while back, (Now it's all clicking together!):

The soul is shown clearly

when held up to a mirror (others)

Reflecting God's light-- 

through our action images.

Like images on a film reel, 

unique to each created being. 

God's light of love shines into us;

We reflect his light onto others  

and like a projector,

We use that light to make "Love" manifest.

Our souls are constantly playing out our version of Love

through a lens

on the screen which is without

and we call the screen life.

God can see our nature--

His own light being made into a new unique art--our dynamic souls

What a delight it must be

to see

Your creation discovering You.

~

Our lives can be seen as a screenplay with a three-act structure. 

I think God enjoys a story of a Hero's Journey just as much as we do. If you're not familiar with The Hero's Journey, it's an archetypal narrative structure found in stories from all around the world, first introduced by Joseph Campbell in his book "The Hero with a Thousand Faces". This fundamental monomyth structure is found in countless stories from Jesus' story to Star Wars to The Matrix and Harry Potter. I remember studying Campbell's structure when I took screenwriting classes in college. We all like watching characters overcome and go through a transformation. Before they come to a transformation though, they must first be called to adventure (in our case following Christ) and then the second step is the refusal of the call (this is maybe where we fall and succumb to sin). Some of the other steps include trials/friends/foes, a moment of despair and ultimately a resurrection of the hero and their return/rebirth.

You may be thinking that your life cannot be a movie for God because maybe you feel a little too broken. But every Hero has wounds. Otherwise, the character would not be relatable, and we wouldn't love them. Realize that God loves you, not despite your wounds, but because of them and he yearns for your need. He also delights in your ability to overcome, to bring the elixir or knowledge which is the true reward of your journey and transformation, and to finally return home.

Make your life an epic adventure... the best Love story ever. Discover how you fit into this theological play that we are all so deeply written into. Our essences yearn to be one with the grand Love Story. Get out there and start shooting. Make an amazing Movie for God.

A Prayer for Trust and Understanding

Father in Heaven,

Help me to Love you as you deserve to be loved. I don't know if my faith is strong enough. There is joy, but punctuated by periods of sobbing on my knees, as I sometimes can't feel you. I often wonder if my moments of consolation and hearing your voice whisper to me were nothing more than hopeful imaginings, happenstance, or even insanity. I try to hold on to that certainty that seems so hard to keep a grasp of; like sand running through my fingers. I hear the Word, but I want to feel it deeper. I understand intellectually the catechism, the theology of the body, the transubstantiation of your body that you lovingly sacrificed, all the words strung together that attempt to define the fierce, consuming fire of your Love. But I want to KNOW that you alone suffice. That only you can satisfy. I need to really believe this. God help me, I want that to be enough. I drill it into my head and heart; thinking maybe others know something that I do not. That they've been struck just right on the head or in their heart to get it. Maybe I get it more than I think I do. Maybe this is precisely what it is happening when you test my faith. Help me to TRUST in you, Lord. And in your plan for me. I stand before you truly naked, with my heart wide open for you. Open me up in my hurt and sufferings and peer into all the corners and cracks of my heart, leaving no dark spaces uncovered. All is visible to you. See the vulnerability and pain--the blood and the vessels and sinewy tissues inside. May all be exposed. Purify my heart and ready me for eternal Union with you. I love you and I yearn for understanding. I yearn for you. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Restored Old Blog Theme

I restored an old blog theme and some settings are a bit messed up... so my blog is under construction! 

All the blogs are still here, but the entire posts are all showing in the feed which is annoying, and I can't seem to switch it to show a brief synoptic view on the web version with this customized theme. Grr. 

Too tired. Must sleep.

The Beauty of Obedience

8/15/23

(Solemnity of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary)

The Beauty of Obedience

Reflecting on the Solemnity of the Assumption of Mary, I keep thinking of a particular woman I saw at mass last week. After receiving the Eucharist and finishing my prayer, a woman in a white chapel veil caught my eye as she was approaching the altar in the communion line. She was absolutely the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I couldn't help but stare and it was difficult to pull my gaze away from her. I wasn't looking at her in a lustful way--gracious no. But I realized, it wasn't her physical beauty that was striking. As she slowly advanced toward Christ at the altar, her big wide eyes were fixed unwaveringly on Jesus with awe, Love, reverence, humility and obedience. It was absolutely gorgeous. I very rarely see women wearing veils during the regular English mass, and I never really knew the full significance before. Besides it being a symbol of humility, wearing a veil is also a devotion to Mary. It's a way of emulating her as she is the archetype of humility and purity. I've been thinking about this woman all week and wondering what it is that touched my heart. I want to say "yes" like that! With the same obedient adoration and unwavering focus. If only we could all emulate Mary’s continual “yes” to God. How beautiful is the gift of true obedience to the Lord!!!

CIY DAY 221

Today's CIY leads me further into softening my heart. It gives me more understanding, too, relating to the question I posted the other day in the Catechism in a Year Facebook group  about the band-aid (mentioned in day 216).

“Whoever denigrates marriage also diminishes the glory of virginity. Whoever praises it makes virginity more admirable and resplendent. What appears good only in comparison with evil would not be truly good. The most excellent good is something even better than what is admitted to be good.”[119] —St. John Chrysostom

To take that a little further, here's an excerpt from Christopher West's "Theology of the Body for Beginners":

"By abstaining from sexual union, celibates demonstrate the great value of sexual union. How so? A sacrifice only has value to the degree that the thing sacrificed has value."

(Read that again.) Lol I hate when people say, "Read that again". It seems so rude, but it's worth doing in this case!

To say that giving up something shows its value may seem paradoxical, but what good is giving up kale for lent if you don't like kale? There would be no value in that. Since sex is SO GOOD, it means a lot more when it is sacrificed for something that is even MORE GOOD. Giving something up, like sexual union, shows its value.

I get it. It can be a hard pill to swallow because of my own weakness and attachments, as I was one of those who would think, "How could someone be happy without a sexual relationship?". It's still hard to understand fully in my heart, to be honest, but it's not my calling to sacrifice in that way. I think if someone CAN do that... Wow. What a gift to be able to give. It's also the reason why marriage is not an answer necessarily for priests. It is a choice to be entered into, not a punishment. Assuming they are in the priesthood for the right reasons and not to escape something in their lives or run from inadequacies or to stifle perversions (which would only crop up again later anyway) —assuming they are receiving it with joy and love, this is the highest form of sincere self-gift. It is the fruitful living out of the redemption of sexual desire. 

Here's a helpful prayer from chapter 5 of West's book:

"Dear God, whether you call us to marriage or celibacy, help us to give ourselves wholly to you first of all, and then to each other as a self-gift. Teach us how to direct our erotic desires according to your design so we are aimed at our true destiny—eternal union with you. Amen.”

Attached below are some more beautiful quotes I highlighted in Christopher West’s TOB for Beginners.

I implore everyone to read more about Theology of the Body. John Paul II’s examination of the Song of Songs and the talks he gave on human Love in God’s divine plan makes it clear how good marriage and sexual union really is and how important our bodies are in telling the story of God’s Love. With the way society is today, it’s now more important than ever to spread the message of TOB.

Spared from Heaven

Inside, her heart flits and shifts

If we can keep her distracted

we'll surely have her.

Keep her focused on her errors,

her impulsive actions,

her vain impressions.

The anxieties of every day--

She'll surely leave no time to pray.

Let her chastise herself for feeling this

animal nature of her human-beingness.

Like a button she cannot press,

Keep her feeling distress

in her heart, in her dew-kissed sex.

Magnify the trial interwoven in the bliss

so that she forgets how to free herself.

Let her miss--

The mark, a path that's clear and narrow

Keep her drunk enough on self-loathing 

to cross her eyes. Fill her marrow 

with a longing for that which she can never reach.

Her soul craves answers no man can teach.

Wear her down just enough to tire her

So she lifts not the book to her eyes

Nor the Word to her heart.

Then we can safely take her home

Where He the enemy will never be 

united with her in eternity.

Feed her flesh, let her mind and fingers wander

down her sides, raking over hips and thighs.

All she has to do is believe she is not good,

Beyond redemption.

She'll be just another closed account:

Spared from Heaven.

This is My Heart's Last Song

This is My Heart's Last Song

Never cared much for earthly things

I've only ever craved

Unity with the uncreated

A divine union

To perhaps taste what is to come

Come into my heart

My Lord, My God

Let me feel

The ecstasy of your Divine Love

Through you 

With you

In you

Make love to my heart

My soul hungers

For another soul to know my own

So deeply inside

They inhabit my entire being

Their soul in mine and mine in theirs

What to do with this

fascination with a creature?

Is saying thank you enough?

An ache is awakened

that can't be satisfied

With my tongue

I taste the skin

where heaven and earth kiss

Never-ending desire for the infinite

I stay present in the ache

and offer it to you

Come, untwist me

Restore my cold and hardened heart

to one of warm flesh like yours

(Oh, this is what it feels like.)

Tears erupt from my wrenched heart again  

But I have Loved.

I have Loved here.

Help me heal the hearts

That walk upon the Earth

Help me create a new world

Through Love, With Love

And In Love

There is nothing else.

Sower of Heart-Seeds

Reflecting on today's gospel reading from Matthew 13:1-23, the parable about the sower and the seed, I kept thinking about the poem I wrote a couple weeks ago after hearing the words "We planted roses in the garden of Gethsemane" spoken to my heart in prayer. A different poem I wrote a few months ago included the line "Love makes blood into Roses", and it made me think of all of the parabolic possibilities. Christ shed his blood for us with so much love. The seeds of his love (blood) enrich the fertile soil of our hearts (depending on how fertile and receptive the soil of our hearts are) and we have the propensity to abundantly bloom with the seeds of his graces. The seeds are planted in our hearts (a whisper) and we can choose to accept these graces that are showered on us gratuitously. The roses grow from these seeds in our hearts and the roses are not only a symbol of what was to come (he literally "rose" from the dead"), but the petals are strong. Stronger than the flesh, which is weak. The roses can also symbolize ourselves, as we are the seeds he planted in his own heart. The "garden" of gethsemane is a garden that exists outside of time (although it was a real place), it is also a mystical spiritual garden that exists in the infinite and in our hearts. It can also be a metaphor for sexual union.

Plant your seed in my garden and watch the roses bloom inside my heart.

I Asked OVER 100,000 Women THIS QUESTION (Christopher West's video - TOB Institute)

The reason why no women raised their hand, and why I wouldn't either, is because we picked up on the key words "a man who can't control his...". I wouldn't want a man who can't control something, no matter what it is. It's not that we don't want a man with an insatiable appetite for making love to us. We want a man who harnesses the monster and CAN control himself or say "No". In that way, yes. That is true freedom. Knowing that you could give in to desires, but exercising that restraint and control. In my past, it has mostly been me who has the higher sex drive (to the point some men have felt emasculated and insufficient), but I want a man who definitely can control himself. Yes, I would surely want to know his "yes" means something. If he can't say no, he would take it from anywhere, not just me. And it would cease to mean anything special.

As Father Mike Schmitz talked about in one of his recent homilies, men should have “competent generosity”—The ability to harness their strength and power and put it at the service of others. (In this case sex drive). Women want that same competent generosity in the bedroom, too.

Eros or bodily shame?

“Eros is part of God’s very Heart: the Almighty awaits the ‘yes’ of his creatures as a young bridegroom that of his bride.”  -Pope Benedict XVI

After posting a photo of myself with the above quote, a Catholic male acquaintance of mine told me if I am turning men on, then it's not Catholic. This irked me. “Am I really responsible for how men react to seeing photos of me?”, I thought. Especially if the photos are not actually revealing anything and are intended to be artistic? How can a sculpture or painting of a woman's naked torso be art and yet a photo of mine is too tempting and therefore I should be ashamed? 

I do not want to feel ashamed, nor do I think God originally intended us to be ashamed by our bodies. Our bodies reveal the mystery of God's love. Eros isn't separate from Christianity, it's essential to it, and a symbol of how we ourselves enter into marital union with God with unimagined intimacy. I took the photo down because I don't want my intentions to be misconstrued, but I really feel that our bodies are a gift and show God's love. I'm not showing myself for men's lust, I'm unashamed and I want to share the Eros that God feels for us. 

However, not all who look “see”, and I should protect my body, not because the naked body is bad, but because it is so good. Because of man’s fallen nature, my body has the propensity to lose its sacred nature in being seen as a something instead of a someone. So, it’s not that it would be my fault for causing a man to sin, but I would be putting it out there, sadly, on display, to be used by those who do not see. Even if my intention is to be seen with the same Eros God has for us. Then the sacred would be profaned. My awareness of man’s propensity to twist the divine makes it my responsibility to keep my modesty and uphold my dignity by veiling my body. I understand now. 

It’s something I wrestle with since I enjoy the beauty of erotic art and literature. I also have spent most of my life overweight (plus, father wounds…yadda yadda), so when I take photos that are attractive physically, I want to show them and I’m proud of my work and discipline I’ve put into my body recomposition. I know not everyone gets to see too much, though. That is for Christ and the one who shares a marriage bed with me. 

This video of Christopher West answers my question, precisely.

Nakedness in Art and P*rnography (ft. Sister Wendy)

#tob #theologyofthebody #sacredart #pornography #nakedness #art #shame #dignity #christopherwest #jpii

"We Planted Roses in the Garden of Gethsemane"

We Planted Roses in the Garden of Gethsemane

Outside of time

A promise, and a symbol of what is to come

A sacrifice, fulfilled

Tears enriched the soil forevermore

inside your heart, the garden now dwells

the seeds we planted, you and I

Now a whisper to your heart

We Planted Roses in the Garden of Gethsemane

While the flesh is weak

Strong are the petals

awake with me in the night

Stay, awake with me

My Rose

I am forever in your heart.

(This poem is a love letter whispered to my heart from Jesus.) 

**Last night, while praying before sleep, I asked the Lord for help with something and called upon the Holy Spirit. These words came to me slowly and clearly: "We planted roses in the garden of Gethsemane". I'm not sure what it means, but it gives me a sense of peace. I'll understand soon. 🌹❤️

A Sanctified Heart

Since the past few sections of the Catechism are focusing on marriage, many people might find themselves experiencing pain and woundedness. You might be alone and waiting on God to show you the next step. This is as much of a reminder to me as it is to all of you to not give up. Keep your trust in God and let Him walk with you. Let Him into your broken heart. He calls like a wind in the cracks of your heart, yearning for your need. Don't allow your heart to be hardened. Let Him give you a heart that is soft and made of flesh. As Father Mike recently said, "Your story isn't over yet. God Loves you."

I'll be honest, I have been struggling lately with this. I have been single now for over a year and a half and I am adamant about doing things right this time in my life. I pray that God uses me as he sees fit and that my will conforms to his. I may be single for a long time and I may never be called to marriage, even. 

Ultimately, I feel in my soul that no matter the depths a man could possibly reach--physically or emotionally--nothing could fill me and satisfy my deepest longings in my heart but Jesus.

Yes, I have been hurt. I have allowed my body and emotions to be misused. My heart has been broken more times than I can count and by all means, I should be bitter. My heart should be hardened by experience. It should be as withered as my tired soul feels...but it's not. Every day I wake up with a new opportunity to be closer to Christ and to love with the same heart Christ loves. Not just hoping my heart can or will be like his, but to know my heart is one with his. Flesh of my flesh. It already IS his heart, I just have to use it the way Jesus would. And you know what? Maybe I'm a little different, but it doesn't feel too hard to do. I like to think that even though age has taken its toll, and has taken my body with it, I have released myself from the usage my flesh had experienced. Jesus has healed my wounds and purified me. This sanctification happened not only in my body, but in my heart... anew everyday with the ability to Love unabashedly and recklessly. Time has given me wisdom, but has not used me up. 

"There's still life in the old lady, yet!!" - Lestat, Interview with the Vampire 

The Power of Belief - A Dream of Jesus

Last night I had a dream that I was in the ocean and I kept dunking myself under the water. This could be because we were talking about baptism in the catechism recently. As I was submerged under the water, I opened my eyes and looked up. I saw a hand reaching toward me above the water. I knew there wasn’t really a hand there. But I thought to myself, if I believed that Jesus’ hand was really reaching to me, that I could grab onto his hand. So, I believed it was there and I reached up and I grabbed a hand. I was overwhelmed with joy and excitement. 

I made a painting in my dream, trying to depict this interaction with Jesus. My ex, jealous, took the painting, and in a drunken rage, threw it into the ocean. I was distraught. I feel like this dream not only symbolized the remarkable power of belief in faith, but it was also accurate in how my ex actually drew me further away from God. I had been questioning whether I should give that relationship another chance. Here is my answer. Crystal clear and no confusion.

(The image was *almost* like this in my painting, but I had to reach up out of the water, as I saw his hand on the other side, rather than him reaching through the watery veil. I had to do the work and extend my belief to meet him on the other side.)

The Almost Love

Rouse in me the almost Love

We get so close 

A taste of what is real

Bound to this fallen world

Show me another kingdom 

Speak to my skin the language of creation 

With your fingertips 

Deep in my bones

Screaming Yes from every pore

All that I am and ever have been

All that I will be

Opens before you

Not to take, but to set free

Surrender infinity

Into this eternal womb 

Rouse in me the almost Love

Let’s taste the other side of death

New Video - (Intro) A Witness to God’s Grace

Yeah I actually made a video. #somuchwow 

#vlogger #blogger #vlog #testimony #witnesstogodsgrace #AReasonForMyHope #hope #faith #God 

Intro to My Mom's Story + "Why Doesn't God Heal Everybody?"

For over 20 years I suffered with chronic pain from cervical spinal stenosis, and I would cry out to God on the floor. It wasn't until my mom was near death that I asked Jesus to not heal me, just heal her... and he did. I'm used to suffering, she is not and cannot endure so much. It's not about me, and it's not even about my mom. But it is about Love--God's love. When he does heal, it's a demonstration of his power and his ability to perform miracles. Jesus needed me to put my faith in him. He needed all of this to happen. So that I may be a witness of Grace. I left behind what may have been my last chance at having a family, and I found myself offering my life completely to God. I asked for his will to be done and I gave up trying to control anything. I struggled for so long in my life and I realized what needed to happen. I was pushing against the current. I had to allow him to enter to do his work in my life, and I had to put my life at the foot of the cross for Jesus. We may all be on borrowed time, but he used this situation as an opportunity to bring more of his body to himself. 

I was afraid to share the whole story about my mom, even to loved ones, because people might ask the very question proposed in this video--why hasn't God healed me? Some might even become angry or resentful that my mom got better. Perhaps even revolt against God. My boyfriend at the time had just lost his father and I didn't want my mom's healing to hurt him or his relationship with God even more. He was already so angry with God. I was afraid of any bad energy toward my mom, even if it's subconscious from well-meaning, good Christians. I also feared that if I talked about it, that it could all be taken away. Most of all, I didn't want my talking about it to take away from the glory of God by making it MY story. I only want it to glorify him in my telling it.

Another reason I haven't spoken much about it is because I have had to compartmentalize everything that happened (much of it was traumatic) and put it in a little box on a shelf in order to do the job I do now and be there 100% for the elderly memory care residents I work with. I never really had time to rest and process everything... I had to keep moving forward. I went from being a full-time caregiver for my mom to a caregiver for my job, while still helping to care for her at home. We were in a bad place financially, so God brought the job opportunity to me right when we needed it--at the same rehabilitation facility she stayed at for a while, in fact. 

I will probably share my mom's story in segments or even make a video, since it might be more sincere to do so. I haven't made a video of myself in a long time, so we'll see how I feel about that and how that goes.

Last little thing... When I first came back to Utah from Florida a year ago for my mom, I didn't sleep for six days. I didn't have anyone to help me when she came back from the hospital. I have no siblings, no children, and no husband to lean on. My aunt is the only family member here in Utah and she couldn't help to the extent I needed. I was alone, stressed to the max and up all night each night because my mom needed constant supervision and assistance getting to the bathroom and she was still very sick and in tremendous pain. They sent her home (the first time) with no skilled nursing or home health care. I had to go to an Insta-Care clinic because my heart felt like it was racing, and I was having auditory hallucinations. Every time I tried to sleep or almost nodded off, I would hear noises, voices speaking conversationally, or I'd hear Oingo Boingo--like actually Danny Elfman's voice singing. Haha that was pretty weird. I suppose it could be worse. I had been listening to a lot of Oingo Boingo.