Day 1 of St. Michael's Lent - Resistance and Temptation

It's Day 1 of St. Michael's Lent and I'm already being struck hard by the evil one. Part of what I'm leaning into for my heart is remaining completely celibate during this time. I usually have a very high sex drive, and I'm no stranger to temperance, but I'm finding it harder than usual. In fact, it's quite ridiculous and overwhelming. To the point I know it's a temptation to throw me off.

I recently scoffed at the idea I could be celibate (a state of being) and while I do exercise chastity for the most part, I knew I could never choose celibacy as a way of life. This made me realize I have a particular resistance that begs some investigating. Perhaps I'm too attached to this urge/drive itself and the unwillingness to let it go. Perhaps I have a belief that my need is too strong. Or that I fear I could never do it (celibacy). Maybe because I think I have a weakness... and I do.

I would suggest that people do not throw stones here, because we are all sexual beings and to deny that is to deny our nature as God created us. This is an area of struggle for many people. I don't think it does anyone any good to not talk about things like this. Many of the saints struggled in the area of their sexuality. This just happens to be one of the things I'd like to experiment with having more control over. I don't feel victimized by my desires, nor guilty or anything. I just wish to be free from attachments, doubts, fears and resistance in my life.
 

St. Michael's Lent (Aug 15-Sept 29)

Today is day 1.

I will send a message soon to those who wanted to do this with me... and perhaps do like we did last time for the "Fasting for Miracles" group. I'll ask everyone for some prayer requests. Now is a good time to think about what our own personal struggles or vices are... things that keep us from being closer to Christ or areas we need to improve or have more discipline with. Something we can cut out of our lives or limit. Self-denial... not just from food but what really has an impact on our hearts.

Adding the St. Michael Chaplet prayer to each of these 40 days will be very beneficial. I also have some other resources that are helpful on this journey of prayer and fasting. 

The Wounded Healer

God calls me to healing by the strangest of avenues...

Even if I'm like, "Oh, I think I'll go back into filmmaking!"... He's like, "No, honey... you ARE the wounded healer."

I went out for a walk tonight, asking God why he has put me in the situation I'm in. Why I find myself in a similar position so often in life. (I swallow my own grief and wounds... sometimes caused by the very person who comes to me or who presents themself in need of my prayers.) No matter MY heart and it's aching... I must rise above myself to take care of others.

Jesus sat with me on my porch tonight. I told him I love him between sobs. I realize what my eyes are actually looking at in front of me. a boulder on a small hillside shaped like a heart. I know he loves me, too, and he approves. 

I'm so tired of not being the one who is loved. I'm tired of fixing the broken... and yet I love the broken that you give to me, Lord. I still give you gratitude.

Help me and guide me, Lord. May I know what to do or say so I may help the souls in need.

I am your servant... I am your friend. I am your beloved.