I Have an Inside Joke with God

It started a little over a year ago… during the time God was giving me signs of “Grace” and answering me very, very clearly. My boyfriend at the time texted me while he was out and asked me, “If you could have any food you wanted, what would it be?” I really thought about it and thought of oatmeal creme pies and how they reminded me of my grandmother. I hadn’t had one in yeeeeears. I didn’t actually tell him, though, because I was trying to not be fat and didn’t want junk. Later that night, he came home from doing some Uber Eats runs with a sealed paper bag from an order that got canceled. He asked me to open it and see what’s inside. I kid you not, there were FIVE jumbo oatmeal creme pies and a few other random sweets. My jaw dropped and I told my boyfriend about how that’s the one thing I wanted in the whole world right then lol. He laughed and couldn’t believe all the little ways God had been speaking to me lately. I thought it was cute. God is adorbz. 🥰

ETA: 8/6/2023

At the rehab facility where I work, one of the memory care residents that I'm closest to (Lyle), carries oatmeal creme pies in his pocket and lately he's been trying to give me one every day. Lol. I know this is where God called me to be and to connect with this individual person. Wow. I can't believe how sweet God's voice is (Literally! Lol).

#signsfromgod #insidejokewithgod #oatmealcremepies #god #christian #catholic #cute

Love Letters to God

29 Poems for God in 29 Days

I’m writing 29 poems in 29 days to God, and I’m entitling the series “Love Letters to God”. I was inspired by Father Mike Schmitz’ homily in last Sunday’s Advent Mass, where he asked us to give 29 min to God for 29 days and to ask God to reveal himself to us in silence in front Jesus. So, I’m going to do that and also write some poems or “love letters”. 

It took me a little longer than 29 days, but it all is as it should be. You can see the evolution in the writings from the beginning to the end, where my relationship with the Lord has grown stronger, deeper, and much more intimate.

I may create a separate collection of poems/prose/short stories influenced by Theology of the Body.

1. The Bride

I've searched the eyes of man for love

In each and every one I saw Him

A beauty from above-- 

The brightest pieces of my soul, reflected

Intensely desiring a connection

a mystical union

that does not exist here on this plane

Skin whispering truth to skin

Wound me and I shudder--set my heart aflame

I came to know their suffering

and I knew their suffering all too well

Even wounded men who claimed to be holy

destroyed my spirit, took of my flesh

Spoke cruel profanities to my soul with a drunken breath

Opened wide my aching gaping heart

To be pierced by words of divination 

No human can truly know another's soul 

We are so broken

We may find comfort in our brokenness 

In the embrace of warm skin

We can pretend that we tell truth with our bodies

But who takes our tears into him?

Who can cradle our heads and wash us clean

With no intention of pushing inside, taking, wanting, erasing 

To not pluck you from the earth but water you and feed you so that you grow

To delight in your fragrance and colors

Knowing that he already resides within you

Seeing himself bloom

He sees your light

Where is the truth?

Here I am, a hypocrite, an imposter, a sinner

I still think lies taste good

But they leave you hungry

For real nourishment

I still want my heart to be seen

I struggle because I know no man will see me

But God does

God knows our hearts

His lack of touch deepens faith but makes one lonesome

If I had found love 

Never truly suffered pain

Would I speak to Him at all 

would I still cry out to the heavens

from the floor, on my back

Never hear His call?

It wasn't my destiny, so it seems.

or maybe it could change.

To cease to change is death, they say.

I'm on my knees

now in a different way

Am I in earnest or am I just a wounded child

My sacrifice, God sees. When no one else can.

(May He touch us so deeply that we feel the expansion in our hearts 

and shiver from the ecstatic passion of His sanctifying grace,

Holy sacrifice, 

and pure love.)

2. Oatmeal Creme Pies

Love letters and Oatmeal Creme Pies

Pinholes of violet light in the corners of my eyes

Letting me know the angels were near

Little nods that only my soul could hear

In the dark, you held me

Calling like a wind inside the cracks of my heart

Yearning for my need

I'm sorry

I know you knocked

I wasn't ready to hear

Now I feel a trembling

from the ethers to my bones

Calling me louder than ever before

I can't be afraid

I can't turn around

The time is coming, the time is now

Love letters and Oatmeal Creme Pies

Pinholes of violet light in the corners of my eyes

Letting me know the angels were near

Little nods that only my heart could hear

3. Untitled

For what an evil creature am I
To want pluck the sun from the sky
After illuminating my path 
Because I want to call it mine?

Can I feel the warmth but not get burned
Can I watch the flowers bloom 
Whose petals his rays made brightly flourish
Nay— the evil one tells lies to me of my intention 
That I am not pure, that my petals are fake and fraudulent 
Still, I remain steadfast 
Starve my flesh to drown the liar’s murmurs 
All I have is all I need 
I have Him

And that’s enough

4. 

Heart of my Heart

Does yours break for me too?

Mold my heart to be like yours

Show me how to love like you

To see all of your creations

through your eyes

and forgive them their darkness

Show me how to peer inside 

My darkest parts

Until I find the fire

Unafraid to let it burn

in all its glory, all its rage

all my bruised insides ablaze

Crack open 

The deepest, blackest, most calcified secret truth

to find the light shining brightly through 

I now know, you didn't leave me alone in my desperation

I now know, it pained you as I cried until I was breathless

You just wanted to breathe into me

Your life, your blood, your light

Flesh of my flesh

You bled for ME--

Your reason, your destiny

Will I come to know my heart

If I seek to know yours?

I sought so hard to find a soul similar to my own...

Searching for mirrors

Always finding my shadow

Now I search for you

Oneness

Erase my mental fictions of you 

Fill me with your breath

Nail my ego to the cross

and I can die my first death

5. Chewing

Consume, consume, consume

Constant noise

Drowning out your voice

Afraid of silence

Gorging on junk food

in their mouths, in their hearts, in their beds 

junk food love and junk food sex

Junk food on their TV sets

To fill the holes

They fill the air with their sound of chewing 

instead of the sound of their own hearts

instead of hearing yours

Please fill them so they are no longer hungering

They know not what they truly hunger for

Let them know you

So the chewing stops

😁

6. (On Love...)

Love is not an emotion

Love is a driver

Love is the armor of God against principalities and power

It eradicates wickedness in an instant.

Love overrides emotions

and is the one aspect of God we can embody as humans

Love is not hesitant sacrifice

Love is what you DO, when fear is great--

it MOVES you

not necessarily out of fear (it is still there)

but despite it--beyond it and its stronghold, acting outside of it, for another

Love would lay down and die for another

Love does not have anything to prove, anything to show for

Love grips you and carries you through when you have nothing else to hold on to

Love defies words

Love believes in the future of another

Love frees

Love does not hold

Love Protects, under the wing of God, and lets the heart of another be opened

Love doesn't fill the holes or the cracks

nor does it try to possess

Love lets the wound bleed

but weeps for it has bled

and takes the blood into itself to make a gift, given anew

Love makes blood into roses

Love knows no rulers and leaves peace in its wake

Love does all, to stand

7.  "Nehara"

With your soft heart, a faulty spine

Your name is written in the book

To show God writes straight with crooked lines

You make the Devil turn and look

To God the Father, you always did belong

Your light was too bright to be concealed

When sleep escapes, I'll call your name and sing your song

The truth will always be revealed

I'll send you riddles in a language you know not

A mystery to unfold

So you'll know it's not from your own thoughts

Surround you with my healing light of gold

Prick your vision with pinholes of violet light

Letting you know the angels are near

Even in your darkest nights

Have you an ear to hear--I'm here!

When the eidolons are swarming 

and waiting at the gates

may you know the intimacy of my heart's warming

and fear not the demons' hate

Call upon my name, sweet child of my heart

Come to me on bended knee

I will burn with fire all that's dark

My love will set you free

Within I, you... and within you, I reside

Proclaim my name--Jesus Christ the King!

From me thou shall not hide

Filled with ineffable joy; Remember: Love everything

8.  "Golden Milk"

Dear God, 

I stumbled yesterday.

I turned and looked the other way

Hoping you would look away too

Just this once, just for a while

To quell the tempestuous waters below

I still need your help 

I wish to be worthy

I cry for your mercy

I long for the heat of your love to linger in my heart

and overflow with a glow of liquid light

Coating my insides so I don't feel pain

Purify me

with Golden Milk

Sweet and warm like turmeric, honey and spices

I want to feel it in my bones 

So deeply within me

I yearn for your healing

Inhabit my entire being

Until I know the one 

whose soul can come into my own soul

and mine into theirs

My body and soul are hungry

Until then 

Hold me, safe and tenderly

Immerse my heart in Golden Milk

9.  Yes

God planted in my belly a seed of joy 

Long ago, in a dream

Never had I desired such fruit 

But this;

Immaculate miracle

Contained such wild bliss--

All of being contained within.

The highest, sweetest, purest truth.

A light shining from the inside. 

I smiled the most genuine smile from my heart 

And the comfort lingered long after; 

A reminder of the joy of our blessed mother.

Unspeakable happiness. 

The receptive soul is fertile ground

We all await the Perfected Love--within us--Eternal Birth

In our innermost recesses

How wondrous a gift

To simply say "Yes".

10.   To Know the Soul 

Part 1 - The Eternal Dance

To know God's essence

Is to know your own soul's essence

Not known in thinking--

Remembered,

in dancing

To your soul's unique song of Love,

Which only God knows.

Adorned in white;

A trumpet sounds

Without words

You take his hand...

Yielding to Him

in this Eternal Dance.

"Remember who you really are."

--(Inspired, in part, by one of my first visions, where I danced with Jesus)

11.  To Know the Soul

Part 2 - The soul plays out a silent film of God's love

The soul is shown clearly

when held up to a mirror (others)

Reflecting God's light-- 

through our action images.

Like images on a film reel, 

unique to each created being. 

God's light of love shines into us

We reflect his light onto others  

and like a projector,

We use that light to make "Love" manifest.

Our souls are constantly playing out our version of Love

through a lens

on the screen which is without

and we call the screen life.

God can see our nature--

His own light being made into a new unique art--our dynamic souls

What a delight it must be

to see

Your creation discovering You

12.  Where is Love?

At the core of everything is Love

Ask not "WHAT is Love?", but instead ask, 

"WHERE is Love?"

The human soul is Love

It is within

but our vision becomes fixed away from this inner ground

On that which is without

and we become removed from Love

and we think of God as being outside

and we talk to him outside of us

and we try to catch him

We put a shield of glass between ourselves and God, 

from inside a cage, trying to find God 

We are putting God in a cage as well

But that is not where our soul resides

That is not where God resides.

Not where Love resides

Where is Love?

It's not in the mind

Not even in your contemplations

Love is found in a motion and in something given.

Love can be seen, if you look close, when you're yielding

13.  Sanctity (My soul, not "I")

My soul, not "I", wants for nothing creaturely

but yearns for oneness with Eternity.

Hasten to me, Lord!

I leave behind all earthly things and creature-love

Fill me with your Holy Spirit

Allow me to suffer with you the sweet pangs of suffering

Never shall I forget what it feels like.

Grant me humility in this gift, but not under other creatures

And lift me up to where your divine Love is

Keep me clear of the divinations of all men

Free me from my imaginations and entanglements

So that I can gaze upon YOU

Truly You, within my heart

I desire you.

 

My soul, not "I", has seen me as you see me, from Eternity

As I've been, as I am, and how I will be

You've heard my prayers of yesterday and today

know of the tears I'll cry tomorrow

know of my trials and tribulations, and which ones I will overcome

The tests offered to me to prove my soul

Allow me not to lose sight of your divinity

for fear that I will be left 

Down here in the dust and mud, bereft 

of eternal salvation

Without your light I'm a dark, hollow vessel

Without your breath I'm as good as ash

My soul, not "I" yearns for eternal unity with the Uncreated

Come hither to me!

Purify me with your grace

Empty me of every earthly thing

To be as close to you in your immovable sanctity as I can be

The highest ideal of Me

That existed in You, before all of creation

May I not waver

But let me receive you

Lord, ready my heart for the highest

And seek thou rest in my sanctified heart.

14.  Angel 

Be a guardian Angel

Be the one to catch someone's fall

You never really know

If they have anyone at all.

Lean in and listen

Make them feel loved and heard

Our days are not promised

Speak to the human soul with kind words.

Put yourself in the shoes of someone in need

Don't delegate kindness to someone else's hands

Even if your hands are bleeding 

When you see their boat is sinking, carry them safe to land.

Always give love

And for the weak, be their strength

If someone is wilted and bereft of life

Be the one who would give all of your breath 

An angel will watch over God's children 

Needing nothing but God's love

Expecting nothing in return

Alone on Earth, but awaiting union with God above

15.    

Out of time and out of space

I split my side

to see a sliver of your face

Tethered to your rose

Tethered to your thorn

I take your blood into me

Through my blood you are born

as I through you

I knew then, but was not awakened

You spoke but I didn't hear

This unspeakable void that gave birth to the stars

Is the eternal womb

continually birthing creation

over and over

I drink you and desire you within me

Never to part

Come, come soon

Heart of my heart

16.  

"May your will be done in my life. Do with me as you will. What do you want me to do?"

"Daughter... what do YOU want?"

The highest love on Earth, that will lead me on the path to the highest love, with You, in heaven.

None of it matters but love

To love here is to practice loving you in eternity!

I cannot "find" love--

no one creature is the perfected love that is you--

I want simply TO love.

I want to love someone who allows me to love in the same way I desire to love You-- 

My partner in heaven.

Help me discern

When there is a veil concealing my inner knowing like a dark cloud

Who will protect my fragile heart 

Like a tiny jewel

containing all of creation inside.

Ready my heart for loving you now, 

Prepare me for the oneness to come

Finally, when that day arrives, the glory will be immeasurable

No longer split

Our mended heart finally at peace, as one.

"Then, my daughter, give your desire to me. Surrender your wanting, and all will be yours, and more."

17.  The Knowing

Look at me

Really look at me

in my nakedness and see

that I am a child of God

See my worth

as I stand before you

As I am

Shall you want to possess or take for yourself

Reduce me to an object for your use?

I refuse to feel shame

Observe God...

In the splendor of my unabashed femininity 

spreading before you

Do you see all of creation in my eyes

being birthed into being

Can you see the Pleiades shining back at you

My heart is on fire

Come and bask in the warmth

Rest your head underneath my wing

Let your belly rise and fall 

as you breathe me

and I breathe you

Share with me your divine mouth

Taste me

as my essence fills you 

Take my spirit in and I am revealed

what was veiled in secrecy

Finally pours out of me

in this blessed sacrament

This, I desire

Not desire itself

I desire the knowing

Will you help me know God too?

Come, my mouth thirsts, let me know you

Help us open our eyes 

to His sweet divinity

18.  My Love, Outside of Time

I had a vision tonight while trying to sleep and wrote this poem below. I understood from a perspective of timelessness, my purpose here right now… Part of it is to connect my heart to Christ, at the time of his passion, from here. Perhaps it is part of all of our purpose to do this at some point. Whenever it is.. the time is still perfect, because God exists outside of time.  However, Jesus no longer is suffering in eternity, because he already did what he needed to do (“It is done”), but it was done so I (we) can be here.. and he can feel us. (I finished editing this at 3:16 👀)

(I saw a vision of Mary

Split open down the center

Pages with written words 

Could be seen inside

Symbolizing her carrying the Word within her.) 

And then I saw you…

 

My Love, Outside of Time

I am here, my love, outside of time

Comforting you in the hour of your passion

You knew your fate

But you had to clear a path of light

For us all to be born

So I could look upon you now

My love, outside of time

As you were then

And console you through your tears

You were scared, as am I 

Your heart bled, as does mine

I want to take your pain away

But you must go

So I can be here now to take your hand

I can see it now, soft and slender 

I clasp the air 

and know you feel my heart

My love, outside of time

You came to me in dreams to show me love 

that I have never felt on this strange Earth

And left me weeping when I awoke

Hours upon hours 

Over a love so strong 

and unfathomable to creatures

Is my passion calling too?

Please come back, 

My love,

Outside of time

Nothing else matters

All I need is you

19.  Eros Prayer

Open your heart

And feel this love

So fierce it rips your heart open

Filling, overflowing

Oh dear God let your love inside

For all of you I shed blood tears

My soul would scream for a thousand years

If I never felt this love again

If I knew you couldn't feel this too

~

Oh dear Lord hold them

Sanctify their hearts

Lay your Holy Spirit upon them

Envelop them in your warm embrace

Cradle them in your womb

Break their hearts and get inside

Break their hearts and get inside

~

I say this prayer for all of you

From my heart

Allow yourself to feel

This Love

20.  Closer Still...

I take your body into me

Made flesh by the fruit of woman's vine

and the wheat stalk's seed

part my lips and let my tongue know your flavor

caress my insides with your passion for me

come, find refuge in my depths

and rest, warmly in my sanctified heart

I drink your love into me

Body of my body

and receive into my being

the sacrifice of your entire self

in all that you could give

every drop of blood

You thirsted for my knowing

I thirst for you to be closer

closer still...

21.  Desiderio

In another life

I could have found bliss in the worldly things.

Making love by French doors, cracked open,

on some Parisian balcony.

Billowing curtains and the smell of rain.

Thunder muffling tender gasps. 

Finding ways to kill the pain 

of ending up without you.

Desiring more...

It's never enough. 

Bodies come together and pull apart--

Always left separated, alone, wanting again.

Crying out on my back, on the floor,

You yearned for my need.

Called me to more.

In the dark, you held me--

Whispered into the cracks of my broken heart.

My purpose was never mine to keep.

I surrendered my life to save another--

You pulled me from his grasp.

Maybe my last chance at being a mother.

I left him in my past.

I'm back in this place you keep calling me to.

A place that's not quite home.

In another life 

I could have loved what the world had to give.

You knew my light would never be so bright

without bringing me into the dark.

To the gentle breezes of your urgings, I let myself bend and sway. 

With joy, I surrender. I have no idea where we are going, but I'm with you all the way.

22.  

Would we tremble and burst into light

Shatter into pieces

to truly conceive the truth of you

This mystery binds us all 

As One

23.

I need the safety of your loving arms

Jesus hold me

When I can’t discern clearly 

When I failed and need your mercy 

I know you are still here, forgiving

Your love is higher

Did I cry because it was goodbye 

Or did I cry for my heart’s desire

I love you first 

Take my hand and lead me through the smoke

Cast away the shadows I chase

With your light

I need it, warm like fire 

Come close and burn away

The strings that tie me

To anything that’s not of you

That leads me astray

Purify my heart 

And ready me for what’s to come

24.  The Almost Love

Rouse in me the almost Love

We get so close 

A taste of what is real

Bound to this fallen world

Show me another kingdom 

Speak to my skin the language of creation 

With your fingertips 

Deep in my bones

Screaming Yes from every pore

All that I am and ever have been

All that I will be

Opens before you

Not to take, but to set free

Surrender infinity

Into this eternal womb 

Rouse in me the almost Love

Let’s taste the other side of death

25.

Abba, Father

When winter comes 

Will we stand at your feet and wash them,

as children care for their parents,

When they are old and frail

Would we hold your hand and lead you?

Would we feed you? 

Would we clothe you?

Hold you and clean you?

You came close, showed us your frailty

And we killed you.

We weep for we are wretched

26.

Experience has shaped me

Bitter, tired and withered 

But somehow my heart has remained intact 

My spirit is weary as my bones

The water is my home, the lifeblood 

Called from the ocean to the heights of the mountains 

To bring light to the darkness

His Love knows no limits

Not yielding to the constraints of time or space 

No matter where my feet are planted on the earth 

He forever walks with me

Residing in my heart

I will never walk alone 

Trace His footsteps back to the Sea

I find him inside of me

With me always

I need not be anywhere but here

Nor for anything desire

Home is in my heart

And there, I have all I need

27.  We Planted Roses in the Garden of Gethsemane

We Planted Roses in the Garden of Gethsemane

Outside of time

A promise, and a symbol of what is to come

A sacrifice, fulfilled

Tears enriched the soil forevermore

inside your heart, the garden now dwells

the seeds we planted, you and I

Now a whisper to your heart

We Planted Roses in the Garden of Gethsemane

While the flesh is weak

Strong are the petals

Awake with me in the night

Stay, awake with me

My Rose

I am forever in your heart.

**(Last night, while praying before sleep, I asked the Lord for help with something and called upon the Holy Spirit. These words came to me slowly and clearly: "We planted roses in the garden of Gethsemane". I'm not sure what it means, but it gives me a sense of peace. I'll understand soon.)🌹❤️

28.

Come you and seek peace in the heart of my fury

Your broken heart I’ll set ablaze

In all my glory, all my rage

Upon you in your darkest hour--

the white purifying fire of my loving gaze.

My love, consume me

As my love consumes you.

Come close and taste my wild flame.

29.  This is My Heart's Last Song

Never cared much for earthly things

I've only ever craved

Unity with the uncreated

A divine union

To perhaps taste what is to come

Come into my heart

My Lord, My God

Let me feel

The ecstasy of your Divine Love

Through you 

With you

In you

Make love to my heart

My soul hungers

For another soul to know my own

So deeply inside

They inhabit my entire being

Their soul in mine and mine in theirs

What to do with this

fascination with a creature?

Is saying thank you enough?

An ache is awakened

that can't be satisfied

With my tongue

I taste the skin

where heaven and earth kiss

Never-ending desire for the infinite

I stay present in the ache

and offer it to you

Come, untwist me

Restore my cold and hardened heart

to one of warm flesh like yours

(Oh, this is what it feels like.)

Tears erupt from my wrenched heart again  

But I have Loved.

I have Loved here.

Help me heal the hearts

That walk upon the earth

Help me create a new world

Through Love, With Love

And In Love

There is nothing else.

How God Uses Our Wounds - Part 2: Pain and Suffering

We all are given our own special stew of suffering throughout our lives, aren't we? I spent so many years trying to run away from my suffering. Now I believe each and every experience has forced me to have a deeper understanding of different kinds of suffering and will inevitably aid in my helping others. Our ultimate goal should not be to avoid suffering at all costs, but to enter into it and offer it up to God for him to transmute it and use it to help us along our path of becoming who we are meant to be. The highest ideal of what God sees in us. 

Fighting Against God's Will Causes Suffering

Trying to fight against God's will for us causes us suffering. Imagine yourself floating on a leaf down a stream. If you fight and fight to paddle your leaf against the current, you will get worn out and frustrated and life will be harder. When you conform your will to God's will so that you move together and are going in the same direction, things get easier. You just have to give in and accept. This is not the same as resigning and taking a backseat to life, because then your leaf isn't even in the stream and it's out of control. You don't just let the leaf sit on the bank of the river. I did that in the past; it doesn't work, and you waste time. Depression and other spiritual distortions can set in then. You steer it, but you let God be the water that supports you. If you fight too hard, you might even drown yourself.

A few months ago, I found myself offering my life completely to God. I asked for his will to be done and I gave up trying to control anything. I struggled for so long and I realized what needed to happen. I was pushing against the current. I had to allow him to enter to do his work in my life, and I had to put my life at the foot of the cross for Jesus. At the time, my mom had just suffered a succession of serious health problems due to the after-effects of chemotherapy and radiation from the previous year (The cancer was gone, gladly). I was petrified of my mother dying, and she came very close to death a few times. The added difficulty was that she was a single codependent parent, who in my adulthood, turned me into a sort of surrogate spouse, and I was just learning how to identify the dysfunctional relationship in my late 30's, embarking on ways to establish boundaries. Then she got sick and I became her caretaker. I wondered, "How do I live my own life when I've already sacrificed so much of it and will still do anything for her?". I decided that my life is not my own and my purpose is not mine to keep. I asked God to do with me as he will, but please don't take her. Not now. I did things that I didn’t even know I was capable of if it wasn't for God carrying me through. Then there was one moment I was with my mom, when I was severely sleep deprived with no one to lean on, I felt God looking through my own eyes and he knew my sacrifice. Only he knows, and I knew that he knew. Nobody else needed to know. He knows my heart.

I began witnessing profound miracle after miracle. I almost felt guilty because my ex that I had left behind 2,000 miles away had just lost his father after a long battle and my mom was overcoming one mountain after another. I hesitated doing any energy healing on her because I moved away from New Age practices, but it calms her, so I attempted laying hands on her and asked for "The Golden Healing Light of Christ", and certain words were given to me while I was doing it. ("Hand of my Hand. Body of my Body...") The crazy thing is, another little miracle happened. I was listening with my entire heart now and gratitude exploded from every pore of my body and my entire being. This was my shift from a long period of desolation to joy, and I mustn't ever forget the touch of God that I profoundly experienced. We just put up the Christmas tree together tonight as I'm writing this. I'm absolutely over the moon that I get to have another Christmas with my Mom.

God Writes Straight with Crooked Lines

Pain is a gift.

That's something I never would have thought would come out of my mouth throughout the nearly 20 years I have been struggling with chronic pain. I have cervical spinal stenosis (which is a narrowing of the spinal canal in your neck) and flattening of the surface of my spinal cord, which is secondary to a moderate kyphotic cervical curve, which you can see in my horrid X-Ray above. Your neck is supposed to have a lordotic (forward facing) curve, and mine goes completely backwards and the vertebrae are pushing against my spinal cord. I could pretty much look up one day and die (lol... I laugh.) But yeah, it's a progressive condition and it's not fun. I also have arthritis, degenerative disc disease, foraminal stenosis (where the nerves branch out) and bone spurs in my neck. I've struggled with it for about 20 years. I've gone through excruciating flares of pain and whiplash from strained tendons. I have quite a lot of trouble with my entire spine and with laxity in the connective tissue that causes joint instability/hypermobility (possibly due to EDS, but it was never diagnosed).

I used to lay on the floor on my back and cry because sometimes it would feel like my face or skull had to crack and I wanted to pull my head off of my body because the burning pain was so much that I couldn't focus my eyes. I also struggled for 15 years or so with a chronic digestive condition that caused cyclical vomiting and attacks of abdominal pain. They still can't really figure out what the cause is, but the symptoms resemble biliary colic, although I never have stones... My gallbladder just gets swollen and inflamed and the biliary duct dilates.

I used to cry out to God, feeling nothing but a dark painful hole inside. The condition(s) held me back a lot in my life and I always felt that some family members were disappointed in me (and they were), but they didn't understand what I was going through. They would see me "looking normal" or working out and I guess figured it wasn't that bad. Nothing really helped to mitigate the pain that the condition causes and surgery is a last resort. Due to the reverse curve, I am not a candidate for artificial disc replacement. Eventually, if it gets to the point where I can no longer hold my head up at all, I suppose I'll have to consider the anterior cervical disc fusion. For now, I refuse to curl up in a ball in defeat--I stay active, train my body, eat a healthy diet and try to maintain a healthy weight. The intense flares happen less frequently now, but I still have constant pain and stiffness. The pain sometimes can radiate to my chest and ribs. Not surprisingly, this condition contributed to a long-term struggle with depression. Besides the pain, I was often haunted by a fear of dying alone with absolutely no one to take care of me, since I have no siblings, no children, no nieces or nephews and I'm the youngest person in my little family.

As disgruntled as I was that so much of my life felt like it had been stolen, what I've been through has helped me to really understand those who are suffering. I can say that I know pain and suffering, both physical and emotional, and I can help others through that. I was a massage therapist for 13 years, so I have a genuine desire to help others to heal. "MY pain" became part of my story that I had begun to identify with. Now, if I had the chance to rewrite my story, I would still choose this burden. It has given me insight and humility in many ways. Things have never come easy to me. It has made me grow in spirit and it has helped me to love with more of myself and to have more empathy. I can't believe I have come to admit this, but I don't want God to take this away now, because then I will have learned nothing and I'm afraid I would lose a sense of humbleness. I'm afraid that I would forget what it's like to suffer and get too used to it. That I might lose the sense of deep gratitude for life and God's blessings. I told God not to heal me, heal my mom. I gladly accept this cross to carry.

So yes, pain is a gift. It has given me an opportunity to grow closer to God and to NEED him. My spine is a LITERAL physical representation of God "writing straight with crooked lines". It's how he got me to be right where he wanted me to be and yearning for him in my life.

Father Wounds and the Wounds of Sex

When I was five years old, my father cheated on my mom and left. This early abandonment created a strong distrust in my foundation of faith and sense of safety. Our parents love us, protect us and won't abandon us. If a parent abandons us, then how can we trust in the existence of a heavenly father? There was always a skepticism and doubt about the world around me that required proof to believe in anything as true, especially with regard to divine providence. Still, I strongly felt that something was always guiding and protecting me. My father and I had somewhat of a relationship over the years, but we weren't close. He didn't know how to be a dad and really didn't want to be one. I blocked some things out for so long that I wondered if I was even remembering correctly. We are friends now and that's all we can really be. In extending an opportunity for him to give love, ultimately, he still twisted the give to take, and I see that our relationship can only ever be as strong as he will let it be. With some individuals, you'll find that your relationship with them will only ever be as strong as the capacity at which they are capable of giving or receiving. If one person gives of themselves and sacrifices everything and the other person does not, the relationship can only ever be as strong as the person withholding will let it be. 

I was baptized as a baby, received confirmation and attended ERE/CCD classes up until I was about 12. Soon after that, I dove right into listening to Smashing Pumpkins, Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails. I was the first real goth girl in my school. At 14, I had my first kiss and sexual experience...with a girl. We used to go to the theatres to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show--the ultimate gateway movie to ensnare young people into a life of debauchery and sinfulness ("Don't Dream it, Be it" and "Give yourself over to absolute pleasure, swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh..." Yeah, and I still remember every darned word of the songs and every line of that silly movie.) She and I loved one another, and we were together for 2 years before I had my first boyfriend when I turned 16. I was a textbook case of a girl with father wounds and low self-esteem, seeking affection from men and father figures in unhealthy ways...Yadda Yadda. I was even a dominatrix for a short time. Nothing too crazy. Most men were into humiliation. In my 20's and most of my 30's, I dabbled in Tantra (no deity worship), and although I can take some positives from that, it didn't result in any healing. With some of the practices, I thought that I was healing my sexual wounds, but I wasn't healing anything at all because all that I had been offered were ways the Self could make the Self better, and ultimately that yielded nothing and was spiritually vacuous.

I feel like I'm finally learning at 39, as late as it may be, how to do things right and how to have a deep respect for my body. To not only realize that those "I am not the body" meditations are complete horse poo, but actually really dangerous. I don't need sex for validation that I'm loved anymore. I don't need to get passive aggressive if I don't get enough of it (and I never can because that hollow that I was feeling could never be filled, no matter the depths a man could possibly reach.) That fullness could only be felt in my heart with a deep love for God. I don't want to be with someone who treats sex like a destination and not a journey. I will no longer give away my sexual energy to those who do not appreciate my gifts and giving nature. If I do end up getting married, I will enter into that holy union properly. As a divine communion--a sacred ecstatic dance with God and creation itself. I cannot go back to old ways, habits or patterns. To do so now would be telling God, "I know what you want me to do, but I'm not going to do that." It may be really hard for me, but that's okay. I'm used to difficult things. Sex, physical touch, giving all of myself--that's a big part of my love language. God isn't a tyrant, though, and isn't possessive. I don't think my calling will be to a celibate life, but we'll see what his will is for me. 

Maybe I'll be able to have a child, but maybe not. If only my ovaries defied age like my face apparently does. People at my new job thought I was about 20 years younger than I am--Get the ENTIRE heck outta here! LOL I had been feeling kinda self-conscious about myself lately so that sort of put a pep in my step this week. Bless their silly little hearts. 

If you stuck with me and read this entire thing, bless your silly little heart, too.

How God Uses Our Wounds - Part 1: The Tale of Two Ministers

God will keep trying to open your heart, no matter what it takes. He wants you to love like he does and to help others to love like him, too.  Sometimes God might put us in situations in order to purify others' hearts and sometimes he might try to purify our own through a relationship with someone else. We may not always see the point of heartbreak or certain circumstances as they are happening, but God has a plan for everyone. Before I go into the different kinds of wounds that God uses in our lives, as this will be in several parts, I first want to share a little story. 

My last relationship may have been my last chance at having a family, but, unless God purifies both of our hearts, the hurt is just too great to ever have pure trust there again. He is still very dear to me and one of two former ministers I have had a relationship with. I have been thinking on this a lot lately and wondering what I have learned and how God has used my wounds to mold my heart like clay into the kind of heart He desires. I also can see the ways in which God may have been using me to help others heal wounds in their hearts.

I’ll talk about the first minister later in the story, but I’ll first tell you about my most recent relationship. In 2019, I traveled over 2,000 miles, leaving most of my personal belongings behind to move in with him, and there we lived in a small 500-square foot above-garage apartment for 3 1/2 years with his black cat, Moksha. He was an ordained minister who had been exiled from his Pentecostal church for outing one of the pastors there who possessed child pornography. The church took the Pastor's side and told him (my ex) that he had a demon. Maybe he did. The experience left him bitter and very hurt. His drinking was a problem in our relationship and his personality would change into something very dark. He pushed my buttons and ignited a strong anger in me--the likes of which I had never experienced before and would consider it highly uncharacteristic of my nature. But the things he spoke to my soul were tantamount to spiritual abuse. It was like a Pythos spirit would inhabit him, speaking words of divination to my soul. How could someone who was an ordained minister claim the authority to tell someone they love that "their path to heaven has been ruined" or "your protection has been removed"? Of course, the next day after saying hurtful things, he would always say "I was drunk" or didn't recall saying it. Perhaps my anger was justified there, but I'm not proud of how I often lost control. I came to resent him. I was cruel at times. Sometimes I think God was speaking through me, though, seeing his potential going to waste as he spent many nights indulgently drinking and chain smoking his hookah in the bathtub, blowing ash all over, which I had to clean up every single day. He was also very jealous and would take it out on me when men from my past would try contacting me. We were quarantined together throughout the Covid pandemic before God forced me out of that situation to come home to care for my sick mother and I left all of my "important" belongings behind again.

I still care for him deeply and he is still a big part of my life. He was always obsessed with trying to understand God and loved God above all else. I forgive him and myself for the hurtful things we spoke to one another's spirits, but I'm afraid my heart is no longer capable of trusting him and giving myself to him completely in the way that I desire to give love. Therefore, I can't love him to the capacity that he deserves to be loved, either. 

The other man who was a minister had gone to seminary to become a Catholic priest. He left (although never really elaborated on why) and became a massage therapist. He then taught massage, where I met him in 2010 as one of my instructors in massage school. I was about 27 and he was in his late 50's. He was a fit guy, had a bit of a short temper with people, but our conversations were always intensely deep and spiritual. He had been married and divorced and had a strained relationship with his children. I did see his soul and loved him, but my relationship with him was mostly a friendship (with benefits). His heart had become very calcified to love and despite my trying to appeal to him the importance of not closing yourself off from love, it was clear that he was more interested in having a purely physical relationship. Eventually, I developed a long-distance connection with a man from Australia, and when I told him about it, he was very negative and told me that he didn't have a good feeling about him. One day, he wanted me to "come see him", but when I told him I didn't want to continue having just a physical relationship and that we could still watch movies, make smoothies or hang out and talk, he wasn't interested. We drifted apart for a while, and about a year or so later, he had a heart attack and died.

This struck me as somewhat of a metaphor and I think of this quite a bit. The wounds of ours that we don't allow to be healed can result in sickness or disease, even possibly killing us. Perhaps it is a demonic spirit that gets in. For him, he couldn't open his heart to love, and his heart is what ultimately took his life. 

In order for medicine to get into our blood, our skin must often be punctured, just as God often must puncture us first to get his healing in. If we keep God out and harden our hearts, he knows the only way to reach us is by cracking it open. Through our broken hearts, within the soft, warm, pulsating cracks, he calls to us like a wind... if we are ready to invite him in and listen. He yearns for our need.