Solitude

Journal Entry 11/09/24

I may occasionally whine about being alone, but perhaps those who have not spent a significant amount of time alone with themselves understand me and where I am coming from. I am a woman who is not afraid to be alone with my own thoughts and I have spent enough time in solitude to find peace there and deeper understanding of my own soul while examining my conscience. I do not waste my solitary time on brain-numbing consumption and entertainment. I do not try to run away from myself. I don't have anything that I do for "escapism" (drugs, alcohol etc.). I use my time to read and to deepen my prayer life, and I realize that coming from this place of solitude, whomever I choose to spend time with is an intentional and purposeful choice, never out of desperation, because I have been alone and am only choosing to come out of it to embrace what I find truly nourishing to my soul and not draining. People may say I'm not putting myself in the right places to meet people, but I say that the right people have not presented themselves in the places I want to be. Yes, I'm human and yes I want love and to give all of myself, but good grief I'm not filling a void or looking for a variable to fit some presupposed equation. I've become quite fond of the freedom of creating my own schedule and my own life, pursuing my own interests and hobbies. If someone is capable of sharing in those things, wonderful. But I absolutely will not play games and if you disappear for a long time, I will not retain interest. I may have a youthful outlook and connect with the child inside that likes to have fun, but that does not mean I am an emotionally immature little girl or that I do not know my worth and value. I have been through quite a bit at this point in my life. I also have times where I am depressed or I feel old or I have a negative or distorted view of my physical appearance, but I still won't put up with foolishness or disrespect. If you are quite removed from the awareness of your own conscience and soul, I will discover that quickly and will also be far less likely to invest in any emotional attachment. I am easily overwhelmed by constant interaction, especially if the dialogue is of little consequence. I don't say these things to assert an air of phony independence or to be intentionally harsh. This is just where I find myself currently and I am trying to be better understood.