Eyes of Blue and Broken Glass

Her soul is screaming her awake
Sleeping for decades under settled dust
She’s been gone so long
Even the nightingales lament her songs
Eyes of blue and broken glass

She’s been searching for eternity it seems
Scouring Earth, cosmos, ether and dreams
Standing at the threshold
She cannot pass
Eyes of blue and broken glass

Laying waste to her heart’s whispered truth
Pillaging remnants of her innocent youth
Collecting her vengeance, on a soul-sick path
She lies awake dreaming of rising from ash
Eyes of blue and broken glass

Dreams and Symbols

I wanted to share a strange dream that I had a few nights ago…

In my dream, I was getting ready to get married. I don’t know whose house I was at, but I suppose it was mine. My mom was there, my grandpa was there, and one of my uncles was there. I was supposed to be marrying some guy that day. I don’t know who it was, and I don’t even remember his name, but he was my age. My mom was in the bathroom with me, helping me with my dress, and I sat on the closed lid of the toilet and told her in a moment of fast realization, “I don’t like (so-and-so).” I said that I don’t love him and I don’t want to marry him. So, even though I had my dress on and I was almost ready, and even a little excited about the whole “marriage” thing for some reason, I decided against it and realized I was doing it for the wrong reasons and didn’t want to be with him. So, instead, I decided to go see a movie. This movie was some weird black and white movie, and although it was a recent film, It featured Ryan Buell as a child, playing the role of a psychotic/disturbed child in some kind of classic sci-fi/horror film. It wasn’t very far into the movie before the doors of the small theatre opened, and in walked a young couple (about in their late twenties/early thirties). The male walked to the front of the aisles while the woman stayed back and started securing or locking the door. Everyone was immediately aware that something very bad was now happening. The woman addressed the crowd and started talking about the bad state of the economy. It was now noticeable that they both had guns. I thought to myself that if I had just gotten married that day instead of choosing to go to the movies, I wouldn’t be in this situation and I could have spared whoever I was with of this situation as well. I started to feel guilty. As the woman was talking I felt a sense of rage, yet at the same time, I felt pushed past my brink to where I didn’t care and had nothing to lose. I knew I was probably going to die and we were all closed in. No one was panicking and everyone was quiet. The woman had a glass of some kind of alcoholic drink and was obviously slightly drunk. As she talked I stood there, still in my wedding dress, and stared right into her eyes intently. I didn’t blink. I stared deeper and deeper to the point where it probably was creepy or somewhat uncomfortable to her in a way. She made a weird face. I was mad, but felt kind of blank at the same time. I wanted her to have a sense of humanity. I said out loud in a calm, relaxed voice, “You know, it’s kind of ironic…. The reflection [of my image] in your eyes looks like hearts.”

I don’t know what happened between then and when I was outside, but somehow the situation had settled. (Perhaps because of something I said or did?) I was outside with them and I think I was at their house. They had a pick-up truck (I think it was blue or black) and they had a little caramel-colored dog, like a small boxer. I was making “nice” with them and we were talking kind of friendly. I was still cautious, but I didn’t make it obvious. The guy was showing me his “glock” and talking about it. I asked if he had ever shot someone or killed someone before or anything, and he proceeded to tell me that he had, in fact, shot/killed someone before. This was news to his girlfriend I think, and I believe that she was mad that he was telling me this stuff and may have even gotten slightly jealous. They went in the garage and started arguing, then it escalated and I heard him yelling about her being a slut and other vulgarities. She stormed out and started packing her things. I stood there with her as she was packing, and she was telling me something about high school. I asked her when she graduated and she said 2004. I said something like, “Oh, you’re two years younger than me”, or something to that effect. And that’s all I can remember.

Here is my interpretation:

First of all, the dream happened the night before my college graduation ceremony. Some of my general anxieties could have been reflected in this way. However, I also see deeper and more spiritual meanings buried here and I also see familiar archetypes.

For a few days prior to my dream, I had been doubting and questioning my beliefs again, trying to figure out why I fear death and how I can be at peace in life. My dwelling on the concept of death amplified my fear of it and my fear grew greater. I had also been reading the Tao Te Ching (Eastern Philosophy). This dream was my subconscious’ way of sorting things out--not only my fear of death, but my fear of commitment (my choices being irreversible) and my difficulty with decision-making. I sometimes find that I struggle with my true feelings about love and relationships as well. On one hand, I don’t think that we have just one soul mate, but that we have many possible soul mates in our physical lifetime. I think that we should not need to depend on one other, nor should we put all of our hypothetical eggs in one basket. And yet, on the other hand, I crave finding one intense and passionate love that is ethereal and soul-shaking. With a deep, mutual understanding of one another and a bond that exceeds the physical. A true spiritual connection. Not only does this dream serve as a way to try to sort out these inner struggles, but it also shows what kind of person I am now. It shows my compassion and there are many apparent symbols of wisdom and themes of sexuality.

Marriage
In a dream interpretation book that I have, it says that a marriage or wedding in a dream often indicates the uniting of two particular parts of the dreamer which need to come together in order to create a better whole. For instance, the intellect and feelings--or perhaps the practical and intuitive sides--may need to be united. Often a marriage or wedding can be precognitive in that one may subconsciously be aware of a relationship between two people, but it has not yet registered on the conscious level. To be dreaming of wearing a wedding dress is to be trying to sort out one’s feelings and hopes about relationships and weddings. Because the human being is always looking for someone to complement him or herself, to dream of a wedding can give some indication of the type of person we are looking for as a partner. Spiritually there is a process of integration which needs to come about. Firstly the masculine and feminine sides of our personality need to unite, then the physical and spiritual sides need to harmonize. This is usually known as a mystic union.

Danger
The point where I realize I have nothing to lose could be my reconciliation with the concept of my mortality…letting go and accepting my fate. When we find ourselves in dangerous circumstances in dreams, we are often reflecting the anxieties and dilemmas of everyday life. We may be conscious that our activities may be harmful to us if we carry on in the same way. Dreams can often point to a danger in symbolic form, such as conflict, fire or flood. We may need to have pitfalls represented in such a way in order to recognize them on a conscious level. Dreaming of oneself in a dangerous or precarious position, can also indicate a spiritual insecurity. (I think the latter interpretation addresses my struggles with my beliefs.)

Guns
In dreams, a gun has a masculine and sexual connotation. If a woman is firing a gun she is aware of the masculine, aggressive side of her personality. If she is being shot at, she perhaps feels threatened by overt signs of aggression or sexuality. It depends on the circumstances of the dream how the use of a gun is interpreted. It may also symbolize protecting the things we feel are important to us. The main symbolism, though, is masculinity.

Theater
Dreaming of a theater, particularly when we are not involved in the action (in other words, not part of a play or show) indicates that we are able to stand back and take an objective viewpoint. Because it is a social venue, it has relevance in people’s relationships with one another. It is this aspect which is being highlighted. Spiritually, the idea of a play in a dream highlights the idea of the microcosm within the macrocosm--the small within a larger framework. (Hmm… think of the line “all the world’s a stage”… it’s a stage within a stage or a show within a larger show). The symbolism here could also reflect my career direction, being that one of my main interests is film and theatre.

Anima and Animus
The appearance of a man and a woman taking control of a situation (one in which I have no control or am at their mercy), to me, symbolizes the anima/animus. These are Jungian archetypes. According to the dream book, when we dream of a figure of the opposite sex we are attempting to give meaning and validity to the attributes and qualities of that particular sex. Thus a man may be trying to access his more sensitive side, while a woman may be attempting to become more logical. We are attempting to balance our psychological being through an ability to be objective about ourselves. Only through understanding that we hold within us elements of the opposite sex, can we become whole and properly integrated. The polarity of the way we express our own gender is an equally valid part of our personality.

Carl Jung mapped the functions of these archetypes as they surface in dreams, and I found that the “villain” male and the “competitor” female are negative and associate with the function of thinking. The villain is completely selfishly involved, not caring who he tramples on his own search. He is often the aspect of masculinity women first meet in everyday relationships, so can remain in dream images as a threatening figure if she has not come to terms with his selfishness. The competitor is the woman who competes with all and sundry--both men and women--in an effort to prove that she is able to control her own life.

Eyes (and Hearts)
Any dream to do with the eyes is to do with observation and discrimination. It is indicative of enlightenment and wisdom, protection and stability. It has a connection with the power of light and in ancient times of the sun gods. Through its connection with Egyptian symbolism, the eye is also a talisman. So, dreaming of seeing hearts reflected in one’s eyes has MUCH symbolism. The heart is the center of the being and represents “feeling” wisdom rather than intellectual wisdom. It is also representative of compassion and understanding. These are the feelings that I experienced during that point of my dream.

Alcohol
When alcohol appears in a dream we may need or require a largely pleasurable experience or influence. We have available means of changing perception. We can afford to let go and go “with the flow” of what is happening to us. Alcohol as “spirit” is the conjunction of opposites, and a means of changing consciousness.

…

This was my second memorable dream involving myself wearing a wedding dress or preparing to be married. The first one I had about 5 years ago. In that dream, I was supposed to marry my aunt’s ex-husband who was a Mormon and he was late because he was off getting drunk, and when I drove off to find him, the apocalypse was happening and bombs were exploding and falling from the sky with black clouds as I sped away from it in a convertible in my wedding dress. I’ll interpret some of the symbols from that another time, but here’s what I wrote about that dream…

I was about to get married to my aunt’s ex-husband, Roger. I had my wedding dress and everything, but I didn’t want to do it. It was like it was being set up. Some guy called (I guess a friend of Roger’s?) and my mom or grandpa answered. The guy asked, “So did you have Nikki sign the prenuptials?” (No one calls me Nikki.) I was looking for a pencil, and meanwhile, My grandpa brought a frozen pizza that was sitting there covered. So I uncovered it and I was like “Oh no, that pizza doesn’t have enough toppings on it.” It only had 8 pepperonis on it and they were mostly on this one slice, so I offered to go to the store and get some mushrooms and peppers and onions and sausage, but I didn’t feel like going to the store and slicing up the toppings during my wedding. (oh, my mom said something about it being for a salad, and I got aggravated and said no it was for the pizza) So the whole damn thing was about to go down and the music started playing. People that I didn’t know were walking down the aisle, and I was sitting to the side of the aisle watching everyone pass by. I was whining something about my hair to my mom sitting next to me. Roger wasn’t coming. For some reason we decided to get in the car ( guess to go find him) and we were headed right for a big, black, ominous tornado but we drove right under it unharmed! Then ahead of us to the left, big egg-like “bombs” were falling from the sky, causing big explosions, so we detoured away from it and headed back. I hoped that he didn’t drive into that. Supposedly Roger had said on the phone that he was in traffic and that he was a minute away when he called, but he was taking much longer, so we figured he must have gone into the men’s room to get drunk. Mind you, he was a Mormon, so he didn’t drink and that was very uncharacteristic. I was planning how I was going to say “no” to him. A part of me wanted to get married, but I was thinking… he hardly knows me. We have nothing in common.

Consciousness and A Quantum View of the World

Lately I've been thinking about the possibility that the unidentified dark matter and dark energy in our universe, which alters the orbital speed of interstellar gas and dust and exerts a gravitational force on visible matter, is actually consciousness, itself.

There are vast amounts of missing matter in our universe--About 72% of our universe is comprised of dark energy and 24% dark matter. Only about 4% of our universe is actually comprised of ordinary matter and interstellar gas and dust (in other words, everything made up of atoms, including humans).To put it in perspective, in our galaxy alone, if stars were individual grains of salt, it would take about 40,000 containers of salt to equal the amount of stars in our galaxy, and the distance from one grain of salt to another would be around 15 miles in open space. That is just our galaxy. I could elaborate further on the vastness of space and how insignificant our little lives are, but I'll save that. I find it funny and ironic that the superclusters of clusters of galaxies in our universe kind of resemble the brain's neurons. The superclusters are like cobwebs that span over 100 million light years and are separated by vast voids.

Just like the shapes of the foods we eat sometimes coincide with the health benefits to particular organs (for example walnuts are shaped like a brain and they help brain function, tomatoes are red and have 4 chambers and are good for the heart), perhaps it is not coincidental that the largest structures observed in the universe resemble neurons.

I searched online to see if anyone had expounded on my theory of dark matter and dark energy actually being consciousness, and came across a paper outlining basically everything I was thinking.  He uses no scientific/psychological jargon and poses his thoughts and ideas with little references or experimental evidence, but it is easy for anyone to read and understand. I also find that he has a sort of Taoist undercurrent to the structure of his wording. He seems very into spiritualism and consciousness, as am I.  I dig the way this dude thinks. 

Here's a link:
http://www.ronritter.com.au/darkenergy.html

Also, here's a video of Dean Radin. I remember seeing this guy in the movie/documentary "What The Bleep? Down the Rabbit Hole". He is a researcher and author in the field of parapsychology and was the former president of the Parapsychological Association. He wrote The Conscious Universe and Entangled minds.

Dean Radin: A Quantum View of the World


(ETA: Here's another video w/ Radin. Very interesting!)

Dean Radin: The Global Consciousness Project