Tuesday, February 4, 2025

This Month's Word is "SURRENDER"

Last month, my word that the Lord laid on my heart to focus on was "Hope". Now I am being called to practice surrender.

Something that many of us do is cling on tightly to the way we want things to be. We try to exert our control over circumstances and outcomes and people more often that we would like to admit. Control is something I struggle with, and while it's something that I try to have over things, what actually ends up happening is that I have a lack of control DUE to my trying to control it. Ironic, but that's how it works. And that is why learning surrender is so important. This lack of control over the thoughts that create unpleasant feelings are actually indicative of an undisciplined mind.

For several days over the past week, I found myself in a very dark place mentally and I felt the spirits of hopelessness, fear, depression and desperation seeping into the cracks of my foundation. I had been praying prayers of deliverance for someone else, and it almost felt like a direct attack the way it hit me. 

I've been telling myself these stories and believing them for a while deep down. I just never had the discipline to rewrite these stories and start feeling the feelings I'd RATHER feel so that I could be more receptive to the good things I actually want in my life. After those few days that were particularly difficult, what made me pivot in my thinking was one significant moment when I was lying in bed feeling horrible and thinking about past memories, catastrophizing about the future and believing untrue realities about the present. 

Suddenly, I realized and said out loud to myself, "I don't like the way I feel right now!"

And so, I stopped and started feeling the way I'd rather feel, even if I had to create a delulu scenario just to feel that feeling.

I know it's starting to sound like woo-woo manifestation stuff now, but there definitely is some deep truth to all of it as far as what you believe being so important. What I was choosing to believe and the reaction my body was having to the terrifying thoughts was no different than choosing to watch a horror movie and feel your heart race during the scary jump scenes as if it was really happening to you. Your body still registered a threat and believed it was real, even though you were sitting there immersed in a fictional movie.

Be very careful about what you choose to believe.

Do not control like trying to grasp tightly onto Jell-O... Be soft and receptive. Believe the things you want and then you'll feel the associated feelings, and then things in your life will have to follow suit and align with the person that you are.

I'm going to work more deeply on surrendering in my life. And every time I feel a need to control something, I need to remind myself to relax and let it be, because what is for me will come when I release my grip and settle into a state of BEING.

Stop. Breathe. Surrender. (Repeat, repeat, repeat.)

Thursday, January 9, 2025

On Men...

When I was a broken young girl, I thought all men were pieces of💩who would hurt or disappoint me. I found pleasure in making them kiss my boots on their knees and I had no interest in respecting them or trusting them on a deep level due to fear. I always thought I wanted love, but that inability to trust and allow myself to be soft got in the way. Now, I fully realize how wonderful men are and am so grateful for the male friends in my life who are honest, prayerful, caring and check in on me. Male energy is magnetic rather than repelling and I actually get along better with men now than ever before. I don't put myself in a position to be used and I never feel used... even if they aren't always able to resist impure thoughts. Men are absolutely beautiful in their nature, and I find fascination in their differences and celebrate them rather than try to be more masculine to be on the same level. I find my interactions with men different now that I'm different than I used to be, and I receive their giving energy for all that it is rather than try to shut off or be cold. The more I let go of the old negative stories I used to tell, the more I free up room for new or exciting experiences. Focusing on being joyful and loving truly brings about positive interactions... and positive people.

I realized today that this answers the question I had years ago about whether it's possible to heal father wounds and approach the Heavenly Father in a healthy way or whether the healing would be a lifelong process that needed to be assessed often. I think this is a wound that actually has had deep healing, and I am able to approach our Father with love, receptivity, gentleness and trust. Over the past couple years, in deepening my relationship with the Lord, I also trust men more, and that in turn, helps me approach the Lord in a healthy way, too. Also, without wounds from codependency. It's like it just happened and I realized it suddenly. This was such a hot button and pain point for me a few years ago and now I'm in a totally different place. 

Yes, it is possible to heal this kind of wound fully. I have experienced this healing. I am so grateful. 

My relationship with the Lord is very pure and childlike, I'd say.