What is Love?

"If God is Love--his deepest identity--If his innermost secret is that he is love, you are made in God's image and likeness. So, what does that mean about you? That means that your deepest identity is realized when you allow yourself to be loved, and when you allow yourself to be a gift of love."

--Fr. Mike Schmitz (Catechism in a Year, Day 30)

This is so, so profound. More than most of us will ever even fully realize. I can only hope that we can get an inkling of what this truly means. I was cogitating on this concept for most of the day after hearing it. I don't think many people really know what love is. I remember writing about this idea almost 15 years ago and referred to love as a socially acceptable ghost. Lol. It's true though, because we say, "God loves us" and made us in his image, that our parents "loved" each other and made us. We can't take a picture of it or prove that it exists. So, what is love? What if some of us are too broken to know what (healed) love feels like? 

I saw a post in the CIY Facebook group where a woman was battling with the concept of "feeling love" from God. She didn't know how to, and never really felt loved by anyone to the same capacity that she was able to give. This is heartbreaking to hear, but it also resonated with me in a lot of ways. Perhaps it's not about "feeling" loved, though, but being receptive to it and simply ALLOWING. Lately, I have been questioning how to approach the heavenly father in a healthy way when I have residual father wounds. The wounds have healed, but I certainly have scars and I still notice patterns in myself such as seeking approval and conflating love with sexual attention. I know that I don't need sex for validation that I'm loved anymore. I know that the hollow that I was feeling could never be filled, no matter the depths a man could possibly reach. That fullness could only be felt in my heart with a deep love for God. But even now that I know better, how do I quell the need for approval that still is there? Will the father wound ever really be healed? 

It's still difficult for me to approach Jesus properly because I have never had a man--father figure or role model--in my life with whom I had a non-sexual relationship but felt endearment for. I have no basis for comparison. I also have no brothers or nephews or uncles or even teachers... any males at all whom I love and trust strongly and who I can look to as a model for how to love Christ. I really want to heal this. Even though God may have Eros for us, it's not the same kind of erotic love a girl with daddy issues may think it is. I at least know this.

Similar to the woman in the CIY group, I also feel that people I've loved in the past weren't capable of loving me to the same capacity that I was capable of giving. However, looking back, perhaps I was putting expectations or demands on creatures that can only be fulfilled by relationship with God. 

Perhaps, if God is Love, and God can never fully be within our grasp, then Love can never really fully be within our grasp. Not the perfected type of Love that God is. Maybe I'm full of it and my overthinking is clouding the simplicity of it all. Maybe I know exactly how to approach Jesus and how to feel his love, as comes naturally to me. Love is really quite simple. Love is willing the good of another and love is sacrifice. But in order to not block the flow of love between God, ourselves, and others, we need to be receptive to God's love for us, allowing that flow of love to extend to others by loving ourselves and learning to be patient and kind with ourselves, too. We should try to see ourselves the way God does, so we can give that out in the world. Maybe most of us really are good at love (especially the ones who worry that they are not), and we do it all the time, but it seems so small, and it comes so naturally that we overlook it and say to ourselves, "it has to be more than this". 

(I'll probably dive into talking about "The Four Loves"--as outlined in C.S. Lewis' book of the same title--in another post soon, to celebrate the month of Luuuuv... How cheesy of me.) 

"Don't Forget Who You Really Are" - Dancing with Jesus

I love this art. It reminds me of one of the first encounters I had with Jesus in a vision in 2009 when I was about 26. Jesus has always been close to me, even when I was far. 

My intention in sharing this isn't to be sensational or to tout myself arrogantly as a mystic, but to perhaps share the message within so that others may learn something and to spread the Love that I felt in my heart.

I had strayed from my Catholic faith, so I was not seeking him at the time or trying to have this type of experience.

After slipping into a heavy meditative state, I found myself on a rock in the middle of a vast and endless body of water. To my right, I could see an island across the water with a forest of trees. 

I would see this place in a few more visions. I called this island "Ascension Shore", which I also named my blog after. I got it from some Peter Murphy lyrics, and it seemed fitting.

I sat at the sandy shore on the island with my knees to my chest. Someone was sitting next to me.

"Are you Jesus?", I asked. "Are you my Animus? Who are you?"

We sat in silence for a few moments. Then, without words, he took my hand. The sound of a trumpet blowing in the distance filled the air. 

(I didn't realize then the biblical significance of a trumpet blowing. It's a call to assembly. On the day of the Lord's return a trumpet shall sound in heaven to gather his elect. Perhaps the trumpet sounding will come in this way, and not sound for everyone to hear?)

Then there was beautiful music, and we began dancing. He swirled me about and just danced with me. No words needed to be said. There was a waterfall beside us and I heard the sound of rushing water. (We were either wearing white or surrounded by bright white light.) The experience was so pure and beautiful. I felt a heavy aching that gripped my core and I started crying (I was actually crying as I was meditating, trembling and tears rolling down my cheeks).

I told him I was sorry and that I didn't know why I was crying. I felt very emotional. He said God loves all of his children. He let me know that I need to learn to love myself. The last thing I remember before coming out of my meditative state were the words, "Don't forget who you really are".

I realized later on that when we were dancing—wearing white and surrounded by white light—what had happened was similar to Mathew 17:2: 

“2 There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light.”

Love, Sex, and Honesty

(Warning: Contains sexual language and erotic themes. If you think you might be offended or can’t handle reading things of this nature… don’t read it! K thanks bye. 😘👋)

I have been single for almost a year now and I am adamant about doing things right this time in my life. I pray that God uses me as he sees fit and that my will conforms to his. During this time of being single, I am not wasting my time--I have so many beautiful fruits from the Holy Spirit and works that I have yet to perform. I know I have a lot to learn, but I'll get there in my own time. 

We all have a past, and none of us are perfect. I certainly have my struggles, but my will is strong, and I have proven to myself many times that I can do anything I set my mind to. I may be single for a long time and that's okay. I may never be called to marriage, even. The idea of not having sex for a very long time or ever again is kind of--Gggckck--Sorry, I gagged in my throat a bit there. (I'm okay. I'm okay.) The idea of it is pretty distressing to think of, but I don't think God wants that of me... not permanently, anyway. But you never know. Not to sound arrogant, but it's kind of one of my gifts. I NEED to give of myself, and I delight in letting myself disappear into someone and feel what they are feeling, from within them. 

One thing that Tantra taught me, back when I was into it, was how to be present. Instead of leaving my body during orgasm and flying around in the ethers, unrestrained and uncontrolled amidst throaty moans and growls that emanated from the depths of my belly that was still planted on the earth, I was able to remain present and connected to my partner during climax and maintain eye contact... maybe syncing breath or literally feeling the other person's climax as my own.

I am honest about these things, but my honesty shouldn't be mistaken for weakness or loose boundaries. Sex is beautiful and sacred, but I'm not a slave to desires. I have done well with redirecting eros up to God into prayer. Although I admit I've stumbled a very small number of times in the past year when it comes to self-pleasure. If I go quite a long time without and then if there is a release, I will usually have ESO's (extended state orgasms) that have multiple peaks but roll into one another, so I'll have like 4-8 in a row that can last around 30 minutes. It's kind of annoying.   

If I do stumble, I will try not to let the enemy convince me that everything is a loss. I am human. I am in need of God's help, and I trust in him. He knows better than me what my life is for. My actions have definitely changed in my everyday life, and things that maybe I would have allowed or indulged before, I am changing my response to. Especially in my interactions with men. Ultimately, I feel in my soul that no matter the depths a man could possibly reach--physically or emotionally--nothing could fill me and satisfy my deepest longings in my heart but Jesus. If I ever find someone who will walk the path with me to a deeper communion with him, cool. If not, I can walk alone.

(And now you have Greenday in your head. Haha.)

Don't Drop the "Mike"!

This one is more geared toward women (especially in the CIY community) and you'll see why.

With Father Mike Schmitz' explosion in popularity, this might be something that some women out there could genuinely be struggling with. 

So.. Story Time:

A few weeks ago--Just before the brand new "Catechism in a Year" officially began--I was in a book store, sipping on a coffee and browsing the Christian section, standing in front of some of C.S. Lewis' collection. I was having an internal conversation with God and wondering if lately my focus had shifted from Christ to consuming a little too much of Father Mike's material. Maybe I was watching his videos and seminars more than I was actually praying and sharing my heart with God. I was ready to stop and avoid his material. But I looked down and a particular book stood out to me.

 

Haha. "Okay, then!"

This is how God sometimes communicates with me. It's adorable. He totally has a sense of humor and "gets" mine. 

I'm a woman with eyeballs, and obviously Fr. Mike is a good-looking man. Now, being pretty but dumb will get one nowhere with me, so therein lies a possible problem. He's very intelligent and speaks on matters of spiritual depth and the heart. I'm not stupid and I know what he is and respect that. I also am not in the mood anymore for putting myself in a position where I could hurt myself.

Since women are mostly stimulated intellectually and are highly intuitive, emotionally deep creatures, it would make sense that after a while of watching an attractive man talking about spiritual and emotional depth, that some may find emotional attachments forming. 

It's important to recognize this and not indulge certain thoughts. But it's also important to not shame yourself for feeling something. Be honest with God, definitely. Give thanks for being able to feel whatever it is you are feeling... If it's attraction, eros, intellectual stimulation or whatever it is. It's a gift! Just try to not let that get twisted by the enemy. He will try to take something that is good and of the light and try to attack you by twisting your heart and make you feel shame or that you are not good. This is not true, and God loves you and understands your human feelings and needs.

Instead of trying to deny or push down any feelings that might crop up (suppression can lead to perversions or explosions later), let it fill you and wash over you. Offer it up to God in prayer and thank him for such a creature existing! Let that fire inside turn into creativity and proudly show that fiery passion to God! Look at you--feeling things and being inspired and still deepening your relationship with the Lord. You are doing well and don't let the enemy tell you otherwise.  

I am glad that I stuck with the Catechism in a Year and didn't "Drop the Mike". I don't think God would have wanted me to abandon it when I've been learning so much and deepening my relationship with God. So much is being revealed to me and I am so very grateful.

I will say special prayers for women out there struggling with feelings of lust or shame. Women need the support of other women. So often women are catty and cruel to one another and instead of lifting another woman up, they would sooner cut her down or just stay quiet rather than give a compliment. If I notice something lovely, generous or beautiful about another woman, I will try to make sure to tell her. 

God bless all of you, and God bless Fr. Mike. I pray that he stays safe and protected so that he can continue to be a light to so many others. May he stay passionate and focused, and Lord give him the strength to deal with any oncoming struggles. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen. 

I look forward to this amazing journey through the Catechism in a Year and to our Heavenly Home.

"This is the Eleventh Hour" (Plus A Prayer Request)

Quite a few months ago, I was awakened from sleep by an audible message--a man's voice saying, "This is the eleventh hour." Although a common idiom, it does have biblical significance and I feel we are truly going through this "11th hour", not only in our personal lives but in the world as a whole. Biblically, it marks the confused and disorganized time before 12, when Christ will return as King of kings. 

I spoke to my father today for the first time in a while. We are not close, but we are on good terms and we're at least friendly acquaintances. This is the same man who, if you don't already know, cheated on my mom and left when I was 5, pursuing life as a bodybuilder, Chippendale dancer and model. He was also a used car salesman for much of his life. So naturally, talking to him is usually a one-way street and it's always difficult to get a word in edgewise.

This past Christmas, he revealed to me through text message his plan to go overseas to Iraq, being offered a large sum of money by a friend of his to do some kind of work there. This was the most idiotic thing I've ever heard him say. He's not exactly the shining example of good decision-making. Plus, he's 65 years old. He struggled financially all his life and his life has been hard for him in general. Most of his decisions are either motivated by money or some other selfish endeavor. This is no different. He has lost almost everyone in his life--family and friends--and all he has left is me. He actually said on the phone... "You're it", meaning I am all he has left. He realizes this and he is scared of his looming demise. He's scared about what little money he will have after his retirement and he's ready to book it to the middle east, instead of trying to mend things with family. I'm "It", and yet it's still not enough to stay. So, he's going to leave me yet again. I even extended the opportunity for him to move from Florida to Utah, where I'm currently caring for my mother, in a house that has extra rooms.  He dodged any further discussion on that and launched into more complaining and woe. He has the choice to choose love, once again, and to make a choice of humbleness and to live simply. But I fear that this is his last opportunity. This really is the eleventh hour, and for his soul, I fear it most certainly is. The last time I implored someone, unsuccessfully, to not close their heart off from love (a former seminarian in his late 50's, who was also my instructor in massage school), he had a heart attack and died about a year later. 

I don't really know how to get through to my father and I have a hard time speaking to him. Most of the time I stay very quiet when we speak, unless he pushes a particular button and I get angry. Lol. He does know of the sacrifices I have made in my life recently for my mom, and he has seen in the last year, a huge difference in me. He mentioned a spark was lit under me and he can see I am living life as the best version of myself. I have God to thank for that, fully. It has made an impression on him. But I need God's help with dealing with my father. I can't even contextualize my thoughts into words when it comes to speaking to him. I so often just start to say something but then shut down. He has an answer for everything and an excuse. It's easier to just stay quiet. But I really can't let him do this. To some extent, he's going to just do what he wants to do, at his own peril. I will ask him one more time to open his heart... and perhaps he will make a choice with a heart that's open to mending. Open to love. A heart that is like Christ's.  Please pray for him, and for me.

Homily for The Epiphany of the Lord (Fr. Mike's Homily)

This is it--the answer I was looking for. 

Father Mike completely nailed it in his Homily for The Epiphany of the Lord. It's so weird that he talked about this today (as I write this) and I feel as though God worked through him to answer my heart's aching.

Last night in prayer I was asking God how I could love him better and what sacrifice I could give to be closer to him. Jesus gave his body to us, so how can I give him my body as well? How do I give him the ultimate gift of myself? I became somewhat distressed and started sobbing.

I asked,

"How can I love you, really love you?

How can I be closer?

How can I sacrifice for you? What can I give of myself to you?

How can I be a gift to you?

How can I be your bread and your wine?"

I did feel Christ comfort me and address me as "My daughter, my sister, my wife". 

Then today, this homily about sacrifice really hit me hard. God has asked us to worship him, and Worship--the heart of what it is to love God--is SACRIFICE.

What is our sacrifice? Mass. That is our literal sacrifice. "The point of mass is to offer the sacrifice of the son of God to the father." (To love God.) 

"Jesus is not just the priest who offers the sacrifice, he IS the sacrifice that's offered. And so are you."

"Lord make of us an eternal offering to you. Make of us an eternal oblation to you. Let us be--our lives--be a gift."-- this is it! I'm floored at how my question was answered right here. It was right there under my nose, and I never knew... or I just didn't realize. 

I'm very grateful for God speaking his truth through others in this way. I worry sometimes that people may see me as disingenuous in seeking closeness with the Lord (or even worse, that I doubt my own genuineness or intentions), but I know it's just the enemy trying to instill doubt through desolation. I've always had God's light inside me. Hence, the name "Nehara" that Jesus spoke to me audibly many years ago... It's an Aramaic female name meaning "Light". (I wrote briefly about how it came to me HERE.)

Give God access to all of yourself. Share with him your hopes, your fears, your love and your weaknesses. He wants to know you, too. May we strive to be like Jesus, and may our life, our sacrifices, and suffering unite us to him, as one flesh. 

Closer Still…

I take your body into me

Made flesh by the fruit of woman's vine

and the wheat stalk's seed

part my lips and let my tongue know your flavor

caress my insides with your passion for me

come, find refuge in my depths

and rest, warmly in my sanctified heart

I drink your love into me

Body of my body

and receive into my being

the sacrifice of your entire self

in all that you could give

every drop of blood

You thirsted for my knowing

I thirst for you to be closer

closer still...

(I may possibly be misunderstood here by some.. this is not for those people, then.)

#poetry #mypoetry #prose #christ #eucharist #eros #tob #eroticlove #agapelove #theologyofthebody #communion #jesus #jesuschrist #loveletterstogod 

I edited this a bit because I used the word assimilate Lol… I just kept thinking of the Borg. Kinda threw off the vibe. 😂

 

Eros Prayer

While taking a hot bath on New Year’s Eve, I actually had a really good, long meditative prayer session. I experienced the turning up of Eros to prayer, and I wrote this after. It’s hard to explain it… I just wish that everyone could experience that opening up of the heart and that strong, passionate, erotic love turned upward to God. It’s so filling. I could just burst. I want to work on doing this more and see what happens. 

Eros Prayer

Open your heart

And feel this love

So fierce it rips your heart open

Filling, overflowing

Oh dear God let your love inside

For all of you I shed blood tears

My soul would scream for a thousand years

If I never felt this love again

If I knew you couldn't feel this too

~

Oh dear Lord hold them

Sanctify their hearts

Lay your Holy Spirit upon them

Envelop them in your warm embrace

Cradle them in your womb

Break their hearts and get inside

Break their hearts and get inside

~

I say this prayer for all of you

From my heart

Allow yourself to feel

This Love

Broken Humans, Broken Hearts

Sometimes in life, all I had to offer was my heart... and you know what? That's enough. 

God always wanted me, and on some level, I've always known I was his. Even when I was living sinfully and misused my sexuality, never did that minimize the size of my heart or my capacity for loving others or God. I always had his "light" inside of me. (The name Jesus gave me in Aramaic actually means "light".) I am far from perfect, and I know that I still need God's help. My wounds are great. But my heart is bigger. My seeking to be closer to God is in earnest, as is my desire for Christ to reveal himself to me. 

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, though, that on Christmas eve, when I was speaking to my aunt and the idea of my living a consecrated life was mused upon, uproarious laugher ensued at the dinner table. Even though I don't think that is the path God wants for me necessarily, I was still a bit salty about her reaction for some reason. Am I that dirty, tainted and sinful? Is it that hard to imagine that I could seek holiness, or a life lived for God? Was she uncomfortable because she's LDS? 

About five months ago, I was drinking my pre-workout and warming up, dancing around in my living room alone and most likely looking ridiculous if anyone were to see me. Out of nowhere, a piercing conviction was laid upon my heart by the Holy Spirit and a realization hit me. I had actually forgotten this part of myself because my life had changed so vastly since then. My life has been so focused on helping others and healing over the past 10-15 years--Working as a massage therapist, studying nutrition and integrative medicine, then in the past year becoming a caregiver for a family member and now doing recreation therapy with elderly dementia patients. But about 20 years ago, when I was 19 or 20, I was a dominatrix for a short time. It wasn't anything too crazy. Most men were into humiliation, denial and instruction and not really into anything rough at all. Excuse me for being blunt, but it's a truth about me and I have no need to harbor any shame about it anymore. In fact, sometimes all I did was hold space for someone to feel safe sharing things with me which made them feel shameful. I would even at times only hold someone's head and stroke their face and hair. People just really want to be loved at the core. I am not condoning sexual sin or the misuse of sexuality. It most certainly is a twisting of the divine gift we are given, and that is between God and me. He knows my heart. 

When I brought all of this to God with remorse, I initially felt so lifted and light. I know in the Parable of the Lost Sheep, Jesus says he delights in the one sheep coming back to the flock, but I noticed something strange happening within me. I started liking my story a little too much and was falling in love with it a bit. Let's pull on those reins, there. 

I am far from perfect, and I still struggle. I can see there are still distortions. I'm a mess in so many ways! I'm just another broken human with a broken heart that needs mending and God's sanctification. We must all keep our eyes focused on Christ--not creatures. We can be inspired by God's creations, but we need to be wary of making idols. "The human heart is an idol-making factory", after all. I'm quite aware of this, as I've become aware of myself doing this many times in the past. It's easier to do than you think. None of us are perfect. Let's forgive one another and ourselves and always remember that we are in constant need of God's help, mercy and love.

We are love, and we are OF love.