How Do Celibates Live Out Their Sexual Desires?

Let me preface this by saying that I've read TOB and West's companion book, however... 

It really does come down to suppression IN THAT WAY. Yes, there are many ways to express Eros in general, but in that way...

There's just something missing here entirely for me. It doesn't answer the question of that very important desire to express love in that way being fulfilled. It doesn't always have to be twisted and a disordered form of lust when you have sexual desire towards someone.

Maybe you want to give to them and sacrifice in the way God intended, but you just can't. I find it rather sad. Ultimately, it's a choice entered into (sort of), but it's the one area of TOB where I find it difficult to know where to direct that eros besides thanking God for the person and for the beauty and for the feelings that arise... (yup, I get it) there just isn't anywhere for that energy to go from there. It stops in its tracks and has to be directed into another avenue.... another form of giving. Tell me how the sexual urge isn't actually suppressed here.

Now, I may being going into "TMI" territory here, so if you blush easily or you are a family member of mine, you may not want to read further.

Over the past two and a half years being single, I have remained true to not engaging in the sexual act (the marital embrace) in a disordered way, yet I have not completely successfully refrained from self-pleasure (although much less than I used to!). 

Sometimes I enter into "ecstatic states"... kind of like energy orgasms... with no physical touch.  It was actually happening a little bit today while driving. I felt chills go up my back like a wave, similar to the body sensations of an orgasm but without the genital stimulation.

Another thing that happens... If it's been a very long time and then there IS a physical release, I sometimes experience ESO's, or extended-state orgasms, with multiple peaks that roll into one another, and it can go on for 20-30 minutes. It's kind of annoying. However, it has been less of an interference in my life lately.

Even though I have a relatively high sex drive, it is well-tempered now. Not LOWERED, necessarily, just controlled.

I am in no way arguing with the beautiful body of text that comprises the Theology of the Body, and I do not wish to be obstinate or argumentative, but this is an area of TOB that I've had a hard time with in my personal experience while trying to remain chaste and while striving toward celibacy (at least during this time of non-union/singlehood) and I genuinely wish to understand how to either overcome or integrate or whatever I need to do with this undirected form of love I need to give. And it isn't even about something as selfish as having a high drive. That can be just an excuse. Perhaps some people are just predisposed to needing to give in this particular way and to sacrifice for another and be a gift of self in this way. I do not think I was made for singlehood, personally. I NEED to give and to express Eros in this form. I just don't think it's possible to actually redirect the actual sexual desire besides repressing it and letting the energy itself take other forms. It's just not the same.

Lack of Purpose

I had a really tough night last night. My chronic pain levels were terrible, my mindset was terrible, and I'd been feeling really down about my future. I felt like I really needed God's word, so I actually went back and listened to some "Bible in a Year" last night while lying on the floor in pain, and it happened to be day 131 "Hope for the future" (The stories of Tamar, Amnon and David in 2 Samuel 13/Chronicles 17/Psalm 35.). 

Like Father Mike mentioned in the episode... I am one of those who feel used up and like I can never be loved again. He said to hear the words in my ears and let the words of God penetrate my heart... that I'm not unlovable, that I'm not disqualified from being loved truly and forever...but I just can't believe it. (It's one of the "special usages" of belief that C.S. Lewis talked about in the second chapter of "The World's Last Night"... where a rather weak degree of opinion becomes stronger on the negative side—"I don't believe you".). And while I completely WANT to believe this is true, evidence suggests otherwise, so it's hard to fully submit to "I believe". It's hard to believe at this point that my future is redeemable and full of hope. So much time has been lost. I feel like I'm so broken in the ways that I even think, that I can never really heal that. I don't feel I have a purpose here. I do feel kind of dead and that my future, my life, is over. I don't know why, if I love Him, he does not want a good life for me. 

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

Does he not know I love Him? Do I not love him correctly? Am I doing everything wrong? If I can't do any of it right, why is he keeping me here? What even is my purpose?

I feel like I can only really perceive his love for me in the way my father loved me… which was, he knew I existed. But I wasn’t worth putting effort into. I didn’t make it into his “schedule”.

And it's not that I can't be loved insofar as one might be capable. But it's never enough... and no one ever truly knows another interiorly, as God does. I feel like those who love me just love projections of me... or they're obsessed with an idea. Or they just want to control or possess. 

Despite my honest attempts, I just feel like I can't receive God's love. And if I fail at that, I feel like I failed this life.

Apocalypse Wedding

In the past, I had a couple of very poignant and detailed dreams where I was getting married to someone that I didn't want to and it was the end of the world.

I often had precognitive dreams when I was younger, but it hasn't happened for a very long time. Even if things don't happen exactly the same as in the dream, if I pay attention to the MESSAGE or the EMOTION behind the events, I can look back upon them as a warning.

I think I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play.

It certainly feels overwhelmingly like we are very near to the end of the world or close to a catastrophic event.

Here's the old blog post where I talk about the dreams:

Dreams and Symbols

(I talk about the more recent one first, then interpret it. Then at the bottom, I describe the first one I ever had.)

The reason I feel that I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play is because I am considering going back to someone that I don't really want to marry and that I don't really love. I care for him, and I've remained in contact with him since we separated 3 years ago, but I honestly feel at this point in my life that I won't meet anyone new that I will have a deep connection with. Someone who ideally doesn't have any children either and who hasn't been married. I'd have to spend years revealing my whole ethos again and understanding someone and all their quirks and brokenness. Years figuring out how my wounds interact with theirs. I'm 41 and likely too old to start having a family. My soul feels worn out and tired. I'm not getting any younger or more attractive and I know that this person loves me and never stopped, even being across the country for the past 3 years. He knows my life-altering struggles with chronic pain (no one new is going to want to deal with that) and I know he would never cheat on me. I really don't trust him with my heart and my heart actually was traumatized when I lived with him for 3 1/2 years when he still was an alcoholic. He did not treat me very well a lot of the time. He doesn't drink anymore and he doesn't have any children and has never been married. We both are kind of failures at life. At least he loves God. He was an ordained minister at a Pentecostal church a long time ago before we started dating. He is more interested in the Torah these days, though.

I feel right now like I'm in my dream, sitting in my bathroom at the end of the world with my wedding dress on, telling my mom that I don't love (X) and that I don't want to marry him. 

Death will come knocking soon enough. C'est La Vie.

Solitude

Journal Entry 11/09/24

I may occasionally whine about being alone, but perhaps those who have not spent a significant amount of time alone with themselves understand me and where I am coming from. I am a woman who is not afraid to be alone with my own thoughts and I have spent enough time in solitude to find peace there and deeper understanding of my own soul while examining my conscience. I do not waste my solitary time on brain-numbing consumption and entertainment. I do not try to run away from myself. I don't have anything that I do for "escapism" (drugs, alcohol etc.). I use my time to read and to deepen my prayer life, and I realize that coming from this place of solitude, whomever I choose to spend time with is an intentional and purposeful choice, never out of desperation, because I have been alone and am only choosing to come out of it to embrace what I find truly nourishing to my soul and not draining. People may say I'm not putting myself in the right places to meet people, but I say that the right people have not presented themselves in the places I want to be. Yes, I'm human and yes I want love and to give all of myself, but good grief I'm not filling a void or looking for a variable to fit some presupposed equation. I've become quite fond of the freedom of creating my own schedule and my own life, pursuing my own interests and hobbies. If someone is capable of sharing in those things, wonderful. But I absolutely will not play games and if you disappear for a long time, I will not retain interest. I may have a youthful outlook and connect with the child inside that likes to have fun, but that does not mean I am an emotionally immature little girl or that I do not know my worth and value. I have been through quite a bit at this point in my life. I also have times where I am depressed or I feel old or I have a negative or distorted view of my physical appearance, but I still won't put up with foolishness or disrespect. If you are quite removed from the awareness of your own conscience and soul, I will discover that quickly and will also be far less likely to invest in any emotional attachment. I am easily overwhelmed by constant interaction, especially if the dialogue is of little consequence. I don't say these things to assert an air of phony independence or to be intentionally harsh. This is just where I find myself currently and I am trying to be better understood.