“A holy family is a family who lives for God.”

This was the message in today's homily that the priest at my church gave during mass this evening. From the moment I walked in, there was a wound begging to be addressed. The man passing out the bulletins near the entrance, as he always does, asked me where the "little buddy" was, referring to a small child. He's seen me there every week for the past year and a half. Once he realized his mistake he apologized and said he had me confused with someone else. I just thought that was weird, being that the topic of conversation today was about family. The homily our priest gave was very emotional and he got choked up talking about how his father originally didn't want him to be a priest because he wanted him to get married so he would have grandchildren. Then last year, around this exact time, his father was sick and he performed a mass for him at his bedside. He was able to give him his last rites, and seconds after he anointed him with oil, he died. He wondered if his father's last thoughts could have been "Thank God my son is a priest." He went on to discuss the purpose of families and that it's about giving your life. It's not about us, it's about God. A family who lives for God is a holy family. It did leave me teary-eyed on and off for the rest of the evening and on the drive home because I wondered where I even fit into any of that. What is my purpose, then? I don't have a family of my own and I gave up my life for my mother to take care of her, but I didn't *choose* to be single. Life just handed that to me. I do accept whatever God has planned for me, but it's a shame because giving intimate love has always been very important for me. I've struggled with codependency with my mother and after she was sick, establishing healthy boundaries went out the window. I just gave up and figured my purpose was never mine to keep. And that part is true. But she has recovered by the grace of God, and yet I am still alone... just in this limbo state where I still am attached to her and desiring to have a different kind of holy family. She won't be around forever, so if my sole purpose was to live for her and sacrifice for her... where does that leave me when she's gone?

Mystic Trip

Enter my realm of softness and night

Follow as I lead you to a world of delight

on a deep mystic trip

Taste the fruit that lingers hard on my lips

I come close and feel your wound,

wrap my fingers gently around 

Cupid's arrow...

What do you see in me but your need?

Here and there you catch a glance of the wild fire

and restrain your desire to stoke the flames

for fear it will consume all that you are.

Have you been within my skin, all along?

When I was unaware, did you sneak within the cracks

to enter into my spirit 

and did you find

you were already there?

Did our spirits dance or did you hide?

Walk along the moonlit shore, beside a forest of trees

Under their shadows roses are nestled in the darkness

Will you lie and rest there with me?

Sundays with Lyle

After being a full-time caregiver for my mother, I transitioned to another type of caregiver role for my job. For the past year, I have been working at a rehabilitation facility where I do recreational therapy with Memory Care residents. I work on Sundays, so I attend Saturday evening mass every week due to my schedule. Part of my job on Sundays at work is to transport the memory care residents from all three wings of memory care into one cottage for church services. Due to where I currently live, the dominant religion here is the LDS church, so it is an LDS sacrament meeting that I have to attend with the residents. Most of the residents were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I help the lower-cognitive residents to take the bread and water that’s blessed and I sit next to my favorite resident, Lyle, every week. He's a 92-year-old former Marine and a southern wise-cracking gentleman from North Carolina. We sit off to the side a little. He sits in the big comfy chair and I sit next to him on a little round table near the fish tank, and he insists that I take his chair and that he sits on the little table. Every day he talks about how we should get married. One day during sacrament, he whispered to me (loudly) "I'll always remember church, and I'll always remember you. Until the day I die." Aww! 

I struggled for a while, thinking that I should be going to my own church on Sundays for holy obligation and that Saturday evenings didn't "count", but I feel kind of better about it now, because not only am I providing care on that day, but I help people with their spiritual connections (even though it is different from my faith). I even occasionally see the priest from my church there giving blessings and the anointing of the sick (which I helped with one day and was able to lay hands on the person with him and some of the residents' family members). We don't have any more Catholic residents right now, but there are sometimes short-term patients on the other side of the building in rehab who request a priest to come.

Today, after the service, the new branch president of the Priesthood took my hands into his and asked my name and said “you are so beautiful” in front of a bunch of people (which was kind of awkward for a second) but he said I have such a bright light inside me that he sees in all that I do for the people there. That caught me off guard a bit, but he saw me not only taking care of the residents, but also my coworker who has a lot of health problems, herself, and was dizzy and nauseous from low blood sugar. Not that I needed someone to take notice, but someone did… and it really felt almost like Jesus was reminding me of my light. That brought some joy to my day because I know God is calling me to be there right now. That what I’m doing has meaning and is important and appreciated.

Also, Lyle was funny today. While I was helping him up off the bed after he napped, he kind of struggled to sit upright and groaned at himself, “Get up, a**hole!” Lol 😂 He for sure has a bit of a foul mouth sometimes, but he’s a genuine gentleman. I can tell he was a good man in his life and he really respects and loves women. He went from talking about us getting married to thinking I’m his wife now somehow. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Here’s a picture of Lyle.  And that’s Georgia on his lap. She’s such a flirt with the guys! Hehe.

I’m not going to be okay when Lyle is gone. He’s always holding my hand and kissing it and putting his arm around me and asking me if I’m cold or if I’m okay if he sees I’m rubbing my neck. (He's very perceptive!) When I’m not right there, he asks if I’m coming back, too. I heard him do that today. 

I know that God sent me to be there. Lyle sometimes carries around oatmeal creme pies in his pocket (which he keeps stocked in his room in a jar), and I have had a long-standing inside joke with God that involves oatmeal creme pies, so I am sure that this is where I am supposed to be for now.