In the past, I had a couple of very poignant and detailed dreams where I was getting married to someone that I didn't want to and it was the end of the world.
I often had precognitive dreams when I was younger, but it hasn't happened for a very long time. Even if things don't happen exactly the same as in the dream, if I pay attention to the MESSAGE or the EMOTION behind the events, I can look back upon them as a warning.
I think I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play.
It certainly feels overwhelmingly like we are very near to the end of the world or close to a catastrophic event.
Here's the old blog post where I talk about the dreams:
(I talk about the more recent one first, then interpret it. Then at the bottom, I describe the first one I ever had.)
The reason I feel that I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play is because I am considering going back to someone that I don't really want to marry and that I don't really love. I care for him, and I've remained in contact with him since we separated 3 years ago, but I honestly feel at this point in my life that I won't meet anyone new that I will have a deep connection with. Someone who ideally doesn't have any children either and who hasn't been married. I'd have to spend years revealing my whole ethos again and understanding someone and all their quirks and brokenness. Years figuring out how my wounds interact with theirs. I'm 41 and likely too old to start having a family. My soul feels worn out and tired. I'm not getting any younger or more attractive and I know that this person loves me and never stopped, even being across the country for the past 3 years. He knows my life-altering struggles with chronic pain (no one new is going to want to deal with that) and I know he would never cheat on me. I really don't trust him with my heart and my heart actually was traumatized when I lived with him for 3 1/2 years when he still was an alcoholic. He did not treat me very well a lot of the time. He doesn't drink anymore and he doesn't have any children and has never been married. We both are kind of failures at life. At least he loves God. He was an ordained minister at a Pentecostal church a long time ago before we started dating. He is more interested in the Torah these days, though.
I feel right now like I'm in my dream, sitting in my bathroom at the end of the world with my wedding dress on, telling my mom that I don't love (X) and that I don't want to marry him.
Death will come knocking soon enough. C'est La Vie.
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