Eterna Fontana d'Amore

If I could

I would kiss away your wounds, take your pain 

into me and breathe it out like black smoke.

I would love the ache out of your soul.

Make love to the blood in your veins.

Release you from all that binds you.

If I could keep your smile from ever leaving

your face, I would wring myself dry.

I'd shake the Heavens with my cry

If I could love you into being, I would.

But I am broken

my tongue is a razor

I'd steal your smile with my mouth

I cannot love so purely as I want.

My love remains as water in the eternal fountain.

Into Me See (with God)

See into me, my God;

The only one who knows my heart

and my true needs, beyond my wants. 

Who receives my honesty

and doesn’t twist. 

Hear my deepest longings—

Truths not spoken by the lips.

Bend me and break me

Show me that I don’t know myself

Let me see my own heart

from new perspectives 

and learn to trust you on my knees,

in the dark.

Make my heart 

A training ground 

For your perfection. 

Our Heart’s Desire and Satisfaction in God

Meditating on psalm 131 today. I had a question in my heart and have been discerning the answer over the past couple days. I asked, “does God delight more in giving us the deepest, genuine desire of our heart or when we willingly sacrifice it for Him?”

I think God wanted me to know that of course He delights in giving us the desires of our hearts, but why would we sacrifice this if not for even greater joy? Why would we sacrifice if we feel we are striving against God? Pushing against a current? Then we are no longer offering something out of love, but with resentment. God never wants us to resent him or see Him as a Tyrant, where we give something up for some other good or for what we think is His good or will, when it’s really not but only what we think he wants and he does not want us to be miserable! We should want to align our will and desires with His, but not surrender what we do not actually want to surrender. He’s on our side. He delights in both. He delights in our highest capacity for joy. He wants us to rest in his peace and find satisfaction in him. Psalm 131 reminds me of that. ❤️

(Also, when this sacrifice is out of our control and we didn’t ask for it, but we accept it willingly, I think God is also pleased.)

ETA:

After some reflection and prayer, I realized that I was asking the wrong questions (or in the wrong way). When I asked whether God delights more in giving us the deepest, genuine desires of our heart or when we willingly sacrifice it for him... I was approaching it like Salty McSaltsalt over here. I wasn't looking at it from an eternal perspective. God having better plans for us doesn't necessarily mean in this life. It doesn't mean there's this one person that God has in store for us that we wait for. This life could very well be full of suffering and some people never find that person (or have children), but it's about WHO WE BECOME in this life and the state of our hearts. Maybe that happens with a partner, maybe that happens in our giving and sacrificing and serving others. I used to think there was a person out there for me. Like a little girl that still wanted to believe in Santa Claus, I still wanted to believe in a "soulmate" for a long time, but I do know that soul mates are made, not found. In the meantime, God wants me to grow and heal and he's testing my heart in many ways that I wouldn't have learned from or grown through in the past when I was flailing in the wind blindly without the trust of Christ. So, it's not about whether God wants to give you what you want or whether he'd rather see you surrender it. That's not the point. I still think Psalm 131 applies, though, as we should find contentment in all situations and trust in the Lord and wean ourselves from the desire of worldly things. Not so much that we become coldly unattached, though. There is so much beauty in God's created things. :-) 

“COME HOME” (A Late-night Walk)

I was feeling deep despair in my heart tonight and was having thoughts that I really can't do this anymore (my life). I went for one of my late-night walks to get some fresh air, but without any music. It was cold, but not frigidly so. Still, I bundled up in a winter coat, scarf and beanie because for some reason crying makes me cold. I'm glad I did have that on, though, because it started lightly drizzling and it made it comfortable--even pleasurable--to bear. It was close to midnight and there wasn't a car on the road. I could only hear cars on the highway in the distance. Usually, even at that time of night, multiple cars would annoyingly pass me in my neighborhood, but I didn't see one human on my entire half-hour walk. The breeze lightly rustled the fall leaves, and I could hear the light drizzle of rain tapping on the shoulders of my jacket. The beginning of my walk, I was still weepy and taking desperately pained breaths as I called out to Jesus to help me. I passed some houses that had Christmas lights up already and thought of how Jesus came to earth as an infant. This started to bring some peace to my heart. Then I approached a house that had a sign outside of the front door, partially covered by part of the house. I could only read the word "COME" out of the whole word "Welcome". The house next door had a similar sign of the same size, and it read, "HOME". 

COME HOME.

At first, I thought, "am I going to die soon"? Then I thought, "But what if you were? What would you do?". For some reason this calmed me. What is the MOST IMPORTANT thing I could do? 

I observed the beauty of the orange leaves on a particular tree as my legs carried me forward, walking as if on autopilot. Not even feeling my legs moving, just looking around as if I was on a ride. I thought of how I would often look out the car window quietly as a child, just observing the world around me and not really having any thoughts, just being present. I still do this, and people sometimes wonder what I'm thinking. I am literally present with God's beauty and no thoughts sometimes. 

My brain circled back around to what is most important. I always say, "Love, Love...", but how vague. I realized, despite my kicking and screaming, maybe I actually do want to be a mom. Due to my woundedness, I never saw myself becoming one or desiring to be one. For some reason, I thought there was "more" that I wanted and settling into family life was a weak choice for me. I wanted different things growing up. I used to want to be a filmmaker. I never saw an example of a healthy marriage or family, so I had no basis for comparison. I wanted to avoid it at all costs. Perhaps now, I see the gift of the power to create life as one of the most important things one can experience on this earth. My attempts to reach this were disordered most of my life. Always seeking the spark. The thing that ignites the fire, but never stepping into the fire. I wanted more and more, but never was satisfied. I feel that squandering this gift of creating life would be a real shame. But I can't do it alone. I need the whole trinity, as a mirror of the Holy Trinity. Unfortunately, I was called to exist for my mother for most of my life and became her caregiver by myself. I'm not sure what my future holds at this point, but I was holding mostly terror in my heart about it until I realized that maybe I always wanted to just give Love. And maybe that's actually OKAY. This is looked down upon in our culture and I really believed that I wasn't respectable because I didn't end up making a living at a "successful" career. Family members voiced their disappointment in me in the past because they thought I wasted my intellect. I still judge myself in this regard. I still feel deep down that no one would love me enough to put up with my crap and my lack of success in an esteemed profession. How boring would I be if I were to simply just love? To take care of a home and husband? I felt that I would never be dangerous enough for a man to want to stay if I was simply just a "good wife". This may be a lie, but experiences taught me otherwise. Maybe my wounds kept me bound for too long. Now that I'm loosing my binds, perhaps I can give fully and totally in this way (the right way) before it's too late.

Meditative Healing Prayer

(Perhaps in sharing this, it could help other people call upon the Holy Spirit to heal deep Father wounds. These father wounds damage our sexuality in a deep way and it can take root in the belly of our being, affecting all our relationships. It’s very difficult when we have been violated by father figures, had absent fathers, or have never had healthy relationships with men. It can be hard to relate to God the Father in Heaven.) 

I dedicated some time tonight to meditative prayer while taking a candlelit bath. After calling upon the Father, I proceeded to cry on and off for the first 10-20 minutes. I asked for help, and called on the Holy Spirit. I immediately felt the Holy Spirit come upon me, and it did descend rather like a dove, cloaked in white robes. It was a very commanding spirit (not mean) but told me exactly who it was and what words to say clearly. I repeated the words that came to my mind and I didn't know what I was saying at first. I cannot remember all of what I said, but I know I recited part of the Nicene Creed. (...The Lord the giver of Life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son, who with the Father and the Son is adored and glorified, who has spoken through the prophets.) There were words spoken of an espousal of the heart (to put it one way) and I more or less said certain vows. This let me know that I was not alone. And never would be. 

I untied the knots that were binding me to anything that was not of God and periodically I would let out hard sighs as I released emotions and any trauma I held in my physical body. At first I asked "Father, reclaim me as your daughter, but as soon as it came out of my mouth, I knew that I had to rephrase that to "Father, I reclaim myself as your daughter." It was something I had to do on my own, as He never left me. I repeated it over and over again until I really felt the sense of "Father" being healed to the depths of my belly. I felt myself, as his creation, being made by his hand and releasing attachment to "father" figures.  I felt my connection with the Lord, creator of Life, renewed and with the innocence of an infant, I was made new by the blood of the lamb. I repeated "I am made new by the blood of the lamb" and dunked myself under the water. 

It's powerful because everything means something. Words. Our bodies. What we do with our bodies. The rituals we do. What I did was efficacious because I put intention into action. I said the words. I physically dunked myself and that was symbolic. (I've already been baptized as a baby, but this was different.) All symbols have meaning in the physical world. What we do here matters. And that's what I'm supposed to tell all of you. What you do matters. And if what you do matters, in all that you do, the best thing you can do is to Love in every moment. Speak words of Love, may your actions be love. May what you symbolize be love. Bring about love here. Plant real fruit. Don't just habitually do things or enjoy things for the sake of enjoying them. When the Lord said be fruitful, he meant it. Not just fruitful in multiplication, but in all of your being. In all that you do, may you always be planting seeds for the most beautiful fruit to grow. Here and in Heaven. Amen. 

Mini soapbox time

Just because I'm Catholic doesn't mean I'm going to judge others. It doesn't mean I judge myself or guilt trip myself. Someone else's experience with religion does not define how I love or worship God. I don't choose to show less of myself on display because someone else is "filthy" or because I judge them. I want to be seen and loved. I WANT to act in accordance with how my soul deserves to be treated. I want to act in such a way that doesn't harm others or myself. But I'm not sitting here guilting myself if I fall. I'll be completely frank here….I gave myself a huge mind-blowing orgasm yesterday that made me have tears in my eyes, but you know what? I'm not filled with unhappiness or guilt, nor do I want to keep doing it all day again and again. I do not feel that God is disappointed in me. I move on. I refocus and thank God that he loves me. I'm not all twisted up inside.  I may lose friends because they think I'm living a life that I can never be happy with, but you know what? Your perception of me is not me. I want to cultivate friendships where we aspire one another to our absolute heights. There's more to life than indulging in things because "life is short".