Tuesday, December 27, 2022

My Love, Outside of Time

 


I had a vision tonight while trying to sleep and wrote this poem below. I understood from a perspective of timelessness, my purpose here right now… Part of it is to connect my heart to Christ, at the time of his passion, from here now. Perhaps it is part of all of our purpose to do this at some point. Whenever it is.. the time is still perfect, because God exists outside of time. However, Jesus no longer is suffering in eternity, because he already did what he needed to do (“It is done”), but it was done so I (we) can be here.. and he can feel us. (I finished editing this at 3:16. 👀)

(I saw a vision of Mary
Split open down the center
Pages with written words 
Could be seen inside
Symbolizing her carrying the Word within her.) 
And then I saw you…
 
My Love, Outside of Time

I am here, my love, outside of time
Comforting you in the hour of your passion
You knew your fate
But you had to clear a path of light
For us all to be born
So I could look upon you now
My love, outside of time
As you were then
And console you through your tears
You were scared, as am I 
Your heart bled, as does mine
I want to take your pain away
But you must go
So I can be here now to take your hand
I can see it now, soft and slender 
I clasp the air 
and know you feel my heart
My love, outside of time
You came to me in dreams to show me love 
that I have never felt on this strange Earth
And left me weeping when I awoke
Hours upon hours 
Over a love so strong 
and unfathomable to creatures
Is my passion calling too?
Please come back, 
My love,
Outside of time
Nothing else matters
All I need is you

Monday, December 26, 2022

Jesus, sweet baby, there is no worse pain to me than your suffering.


Reading more from Revelations of Divine Love tonight and this stuck with me. Can we love Christ so much more than ourselves that there is no pain that could be worse than his suffering? I was sitting here thinking of how I always thought of Christ as being older than myself, since I look up to him, but he was six years younger than I am now when he died. His poor precious body endured so much pain. If I think of him as my own lover or as my son--as someone whom I love more than myself--there is no worse pain to me than someone I truly love suffering and I would rather take their pain upon myself because I can handle it. I felt the same way with my mother when she was suffering and nearly died. I had always wanted God to heal my spine condition, but when my mom couldn't handle all the pain, I asked God to not heal me, just heal her... and he did. He gave us many blessings. When I thought my mom was dying, it may sound weird, but I thought of her as my "baby". Perhaps I was seeing her as God sees her. All sweet things that suffer needlessly I see as a baby--innocent and vulnerable. Undeserving of pain. Jesus is my "baby", too. Can you see him as your "baby"? Could there be no worse pain to you than seeing your sweet love suffer?

This is also getting closer to answering my questions of how I should relate to and come to Jesus to deepen my relationship with him with lingering father wounds. I had been trying to make sense of the type of intimacy to have with him and how to go about it (without making it sexual). I wanted to approach Jesus with a sanctified heart and able to love purely and without corruption. I have to realize that the type of intimacy is not like that of an earthly father or father figure types who would take of my flesh, but more like that of an innocent baby that *I* want to protect! Someone whose pain I want to take away and can't bear to see them endure it.

Sunday, December 11, 2022

Sanctity (My soul, not "I")

My soul, not "I", wants for nothing creaturely
but yearns for oneness with Eternity.
Hasten to me, Lord!
I leave behind all earthly things and creature-love
Fill me with your Holy Spirit
Allow me to suffer with you the sweet pangs of suffering
Never shall I forget what it feels like.
Grant me humility in this gift, but not under other creatures
And lift me up to where your divine Love is
Keep me clear of the divinations of all men
Free me from my imaginations and entanglements
So that I can gaze upon YOU
Truly You, within my heart
I desire you.
 
My soul, not "I", has seen me as you see me, from Eternity
As I've been, as I am, and how I will be
You've heard my prayers of yesterday and today
know of the tears I'll cry tomorrow
know of my trials and tribulations, and which ones I will overcome
The tests offered to me to prove my soul
Allow me not to lose sight of your divinity
for fear that I will be left 
Down here in the dust and mud, bereft 
of eternal salvation
Without your light I'm a dark, hollow vessel
Without your breath I'm as good as ash

My soul, not "I" yearns for eternal unity with the Uncreated
Come hither to me!
Purify me with your grace
Empty me of every earthly thing
To be as close to you in your immovable sanctity as I can be
The highest ideal of Me
That existed in You, before all of creation
May I not waver
But let me receive you
Lord, ready my heart for the highest
And seek thou rest in my sanctified heart. 

— Nicole Tancredi (“Nehara Seraphine”)

Friday, December 9, 2022

Meister Eckhart's Sermons - Sermon VI - Sanctification

 VI  SANCTIFICATION


1 ST Luke x. 42.--"One thing is needful." 

I HAVE read many writings both of heathen philosophers and inspired prophets, ancient and modern, and have sought earnestly to discover what is the best and highest quality whereby man may approach most nearly to union with God, and whereby he may most resemble the ideal of himself which existed in God, before God created men. And after having thoroughly searched these writings as far as my reason may penetrate, I find no higher quality than sanctification or separation from all creatures. Therefore said our Lord to Martha, "One thing is necessary," as if to say, "whoso wishes to be untroubled and content, must have one thing, that is sanctification." 

 Various teachers have praised love greatly, as St Paul does, when he saith, "to whatever height I may attain, if I have not love, I am nothing." But I set sanctification even above love; in the first place because the best thing in love is that it compels me to love God. Now it is a greater thing that I compel God to come to me, than that I compel myself to go to God. Sanctification compels God to come to me, and I prove this as follows:-- Everything settles in its own appropriate place; now God's proper place is that of oneness and holiness; these come from sanctification; therefore God must of necessity give Himself to a sanctified heart. 

 In the second place I set sanctification above love, because love compels me to suffer all things for the sake of God; sanctification compels me to be the recipient of nothing but God; now, it is a higher state to be the recipient of nothing but God than to suffer all things for God, because in suffering one must have some regard to the person who inflicts the suffering, but sanctification is independent of all creatures. 

Many teachers also praise humility as a virtue. But I set sanctification above humility for the following reason. Although humility may exist without sanctification, perfect sanctification cannot exist without perfect humility. Perfect humility tends to the annihilation of self; sanctification also is so close to self-annihilation that nothing can come between them. Therefore perfect sanctification cannot exist without humility, and to have both of these virtues is better than to have only one of them. 

 The second reason why I set sanctification above humility is that humility stoops to be under all creatures, and in doing so goes out of itself. But sanctification remains self-contained. But to remain contained within oneself is nobler than to go out of oneself for any purpose whatever; therefore saith the Psalmist, "The King's daughter is all glorious within," that is, all her glory is from her inwardness. Perfect sanctification has no inclination nor going-out towards any creature; it wishes neither to be above or below, neither to be like nor unlike any creature, but only to be one. Whosoever wishes to be this or that wishes to be somewhat; but sanctification wishes to be nothing. 

But some one may say: "All virtues must have existed in fullness in Our Lady, therefore perfect sanctification must have been in her. If sanctification is higher than humility, why did Our Lady speak of her humility, and not of her sanctification, when she said, "For He hath regarded the lowliness of His handmaiden?" To this I answer that God possesses both sanctification and humility, so far as we may attribute virtues to God. Now thou shouldest know that His humility brought God to stoop down to human nature, and our Lady knew that He wished for the same quality in her, and in that matter had regard to her humility alone. Therefore she made mention of her humility and not of her sanctification, in which she remained unmoved and unaffected. If she had said, "He hath regarded the sanctification of His handmaiden," her sanctification would have been disturbed, for, so to speak, would have been a going out of herself. Therefore the Psalmist said, "I will hear what the Lord God will say in me," as if to say, "If God will Speak to me, let Him come in, for I will not come out." And Boethius saith, "Men, why seek ye outside you what is inside you--salvation?" 

 I set also sanctification above pity, for pity is only going out of oneself to sympathize with one's fellow-creature's sorrows. From such an out-going sanctification is free and abides in itself, and does not let itself be troubled. To speak briefly: when I consider all the virtues I find none so entirely without flaw and so conducive to union with God as sanctification. 

 The philosopher Avicenna says, "The spirit which is truly sanctified attains to so lofty a degree that all which it sees is real, all which it desires is granted, and in all which it commands, it is obeyed." When the free spirit is stablished in true sanctification, it draws God to itself, and were it placed beyond the reach of contingencies, it would assume the properties of God. But God cannot part with those to anyone; all that He can do for the sanctified spirit is to impart Himself to it. The man who is wholly sanctified is so drawn towards the Eternal, that no transitory thing may move him, no corporeal thing affect him, no earthly thing attract him. This was the meaning of St Paul when he said, "I live; yet not I; Christ liveth in me." 

 Now the question arises what is sanctification, since it has so lofty a rank. Thou shouldest know that real sanctification consists in this that the spirit remain as immovable and unaffected by all impact of love or hate, joy or sorrow, honour or shame, as a huge mountain is unstirred by a gentle breeze. This immovable sanctification causes man to 14 attain the nearest likeness to God that he is capable of. God's very essence consists of His immovable sanctity; thence springs His glory and unity and impassibility. If a man is to become as like God as a creature may, that must be by sanctification. It is this which draws men upward to glory, and from glory to unity, and from unity to impassibility, and effects a resemblance between God and men. The chief agent in this is grace, because grace draws men from the transitory and purifies them from the earthly. And thou shouldest know that to be empty of all creature's love is to be full of God, and to be full of creature-love is to be empty of God. 

God has remained from everlasting in immovable sanctity, and still remains so. When He created heaven and earth and all creatures, His sanctity was as little affected thereby as though He had created nothing. I say further: God's sanctity is as little affected by men's good works and prayers, as though they had accomplished none, and He is by those means no more favourably inclined towards men than if they ceased praying and working. I say even more: when the Divine Son became man and suffered that affected the sanctity of God as little as though He had never become man at all. 

Here some one may make the objection: "Are then all good works and prayers thrown away, since God is unmoved by them, and at the same time we are told to pray to Him for everything?" In answer to this I say that God from all eternity saw everything that would happen, and also when, and how He would make all creatures: He foresaw also all the prayers which would be offered, and which of them He would hear: He saw the earnest prayers which thou wilt offer tomorrow, but He will not listen to them tomorrow, because He heard them in eternity, before thou wast a man at all. If, however, thy prayer is half-hearted and not in earnest, God will not deny it now, seeing that He has denied it in eternity. Thus God remains always in His immovable sanctity, but sincere prayer and good works are not lost, for whoso doeth well, will be well rewarded. 

When God appears to be angry or to do us a kindness, it is we who are altered, while He remains unchangeable, as the same sunshine is injurious to weak eyes and beneficial to strong ones, remaining in itself the same. Regarding this Isidorus in his book concerning the highest good says, "People ask what was God doing before He created heaven and earth, or whence came the new desire in God to create?" To this he answers, "No new desire arose in God, seeing that creation was everlastingly present in Him, and in His intelligence." Moses said to God, "When Pharaoh asks me who Thou art, what shall I answer?" God said, "Say, I AM hath sent me unto you," that is to say, "He Who is unchangeable hath sent me." 

 Perhaps some one may ask, "Was Christ then also unchangeable, when He said, 'My soul is troubled even unto death,' or Mary when she stood under the Cross and lamented?" Here, thou shouldest know that in every man are two kinds of men, the outer and the inner man. Every man, who loves God, only uses his outer senses so far as is absolutely necessary; he takes care that they do not drag him down to the level of the beasts, as they do some who might rather he termed beasts than men. The soul of the spiritual man whom God moves to love Him with all his powers concentrates all its forces on the inner man. Therefore He saith, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart." Now, there are some who waste the powers of the soul for the use of the outer man; these are they who turn all their thoughts and desires towards transitory things, and know nothing of the inner life. But a good man sometimes deprives his outer man of all power that it may have a higher object, while sensualists deprive the inner man of all power to use it for the outer man. 

The outer man may go through various experiences, while the inner man is quite free and immovable. Now both in Christ and in Our Lady there was an inner and an outer man; when they spoke of outward things, they did so with the outward man, while the inner man remained immovable. It may be asked: "What is the object of this immovable sanctity?" I answer, "Nothing": that is, so far as God has His way with a man, for He has not His way with all men. Although God is Almighty, He can only work in a heart when He finds readiness or makes it. He works differently in men than in stones. For this we may take the following illustration: if we bake in one oven three loaves of barley-bread, of rye-bread, and of wheat, we shall find the same heat of the oven affects them differently; when one is well-baked, another will be still raw, and another yet more raw. That is not due to the heat, but to the variety of the materials. Similarly God works in all hearts not alike but in proportion as He finds them prepared and susceptible. If the heart is to be ready for the highest, it must he vacant of all other things. If I wish to write on a white tablet, whatever else is written on the tablet, however noble its purport, is a hindrance to me. If I am to write, I must wipe the tablet clean of everything, and the tablet is most suitable for my purpose when it is blank. Similarly, if God is to write on my heart, everything else must come out of it till it is really sanctified. Only so can God work His highest will, and so the sanctified heart has no outward object at all. 

The question arises: But what then does the sanctified heart pray for? I answer that when truly sanctified, it prays for nothing, for whosoever prays asks God to give him some good, or to take some evil from him. But the sanctified heart desires nothing, and contains nothing that it wishes to be freed from. Therefore it is free of all want except that it wants to be like God. St Dionysius commenting on the text, "Know ye not that all run, but one receiveth the prize?" says "this running is nothing else than a turning away from all creatures and being united to the Uncreated." When the soul gets to this point, it loses its own distinctiveness, and vanishes in God as the crimson of sunrise disappears in the sun. To this goal only pure sanctification can arrive. 

St Augustine says, "The strong attraction of the soul to the Divine reduces everything to nothingness": on earth this attraction is manifested as sanctification. When this process has reached its culminating point, knowledge becomes ignorance, desire indifference and light darkness. The reason why God desires a sanctified heart more than any other is apparent when we ask the question, "What does God seek in all things?" The mouth of Wisdom says to us, "In all things I seek rest," and rest is to be found only in the sanctified heart; therein therefore God is more glad to dwell than in any other thing. 

Thou shouldest also know that the more a man sets himself to be receptive of divine influence, the happier he is: who most sets himself so, is the happiest. Now no man can reach this condition of receptivity except by conformity with God, which comes from submission to God. This is what Saint Paul means when he says, "Put on the Lord Jesus Christ," that is "be conformed to Christ." Whosoever wishes to comprehend the lofty rank and benefit of sanctification must mark Christ's words to His disciples regarding His humanity, "It is profitable for you, that I go away, for, if I go not away, the Comforter will not come to you." As if to say, "Ye have so much desire towards my natural outward 16 form, that ye cannot fully desire the Holy Spirit." Therefore put away forms and unite yourselves with formless Being, for God's spiritual comfort is only offered to those who despise earthly comfort. 

Now, all thoughtful folk, mark me! no one can be truly happy, except he who abides in the strictest sanctification. No bodily and fleshly delight can ever take place with out spiritual loss, for the flesh lusteth against the spirit, and the spirit against the flesh. Therefore, the more a man fleeth from the created, the more the Creator hastens to him. And consider this: if the pleasure we take in the outward image of our Lord Jesus Christ diminishes our capacity for receiving the Holy Spirit, how much more must our unbridled desire for earthly comforts diminish it! 

Therefore sanctification is the best of all things, for it cleanses the soul, and illuminates the conscience, and kindles the heart, and wakens the spirit, and girds up the loins, and glorifies virtue and separates us from creatures, and unites us with God. The quickest means to bring us to perfection is suffering; none enjoy everlasting blessedness more than those who share with Christ the bitterest pangs. Nothing is sharper than suffering, nothing is sweeter than to have suffered. The surest foundation in which this perfection may rest is humility; whatever here crawls in the deepest abjectness, that the Spirit lifts to the very heights of God, for love brings suffering and suffering brings love. Ways of living are many; one lives thus, and another thus; but whosoever will reach the highest life, let him in a few words hear the conclusion of the whole matter: keep thyself clear of all men, keep thyself from all imaginations that crowd upon the mind, free thyself from all that is contingent, entangling, and cumbersome and direct thy mind always to gazing upon God in thy heart with a steadfast look that never wavers: as for other spiritual exercises-- fasting, watching and prayer--direct them all to this one end, and practice them so far as they may be helpful thereto, so wilt thou win to perfection. Here some one may ask, "Who can thus gaze always without wavering at a divine object?" I answer: "No one who now lives." This has only been said to thee that thou mightest know what the highest is, and that thou mightest have desires after it. But when thou losest sight of the Divine, thou shouldest feel as if bereft of thine eternal salvation, and shouldest long to recover it, and watch over thyself at all times, and direct thy aims and longing towards it. May God be blessed forever. Amen.

Monday, December 5, 2022

“Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.”


“But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.” 

When I was about 7 years old, I had a Batman doll that I would sleep with at night (and I totally used to make out with him. Lol 😆 That’s little Nicole for ya.) Then when I was 9 years old, Batman Returns came out. I wanted to be Catwoman. That was my first exposure to black pvc and dominatrix boots and whips, which I suppose was the start of my life of questionable decisions. 🤭 I loved the aesthetic of the shiny black pvc, though. The look, the feel. I still do. I always will, and that’s just part of my taste and style. I don’t think it has to equate to anything sexual. If you disagree, then I will say in my best Lebowski voice— “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.” 

#batmanreturnsisachristmasmovie #fightme #catwoman #pvc #dominatrixboots #dominatrix #blackpvc #batman #batmanreturns #christmas #christmasmovies #mistletoe

Thursday, December 1, 2022

Limitation is Liberation


The other day I was watching a video of Thomas DeLauer speaking at the 2022 Crossfit games about metabolic flexibility, and he mentioned that he does better when he puts himself in a box (referring to diet), and I agree. I abstained from meat for about 23 years (not anymore, though), and I can attest to the fact that when I am given too much freedom, it is too easy to deviate, and I will keep giving myself inches and taking miles. One approach that makes things easier is to just put myself in a box.

Now, the infinite does not like to be limited and "put in a box".  Limitation is the one thing in which the omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent lacks. Yet, when we put ourselves in a box, limiting ourselves, then we know liberation and can come to know the infinite. Endless possibilities emerge when that pressure of limitation is imposed. Freedom is sometimes your cage! Having too many choices is what, ironically, can debilitate us. How many times have you procrastinated when you thought you had "all the time in the world"?  By setting limitations on ourselves, we actually can become more creative and produce more. It's a starting place that springboards us into a space of creation. Chess has rules. Music has rules. Want to write a screenplay? Give yourself a person in a place doing a thing. Plug that into a 3-act structure. Rules make a good story. When I took filmmaking and screenwriting classes in college, they told us to give your character limitations. Put your character in a box and let them try to get out of it (they have the key). 

We must realize that we have the key and we shouldn't struggle to get out of the box, focusing on the bars themselves. Too often we get depressed or anxious about the idea of the restriction and of the feeling of being limited or denied. What if we looked at this restriction as a way to really shine and become better? What if we could become closer to God--the ultimate liberated infinite--by allowing ourselves to realize that we are not liberated and infinite? (Negative Theology--See **ETA below.) 

In one of his older talks, Jordan Peterson discusses a powerful metaphysical idea; how "being" is not possible without limitation. He goes on to say, "So what's the price you pay for being? The price you pay for being is limitation and the price you pay for limitation is suffering. So the price you pay for being is suffering." 

Maybe to know God, the infinite which lacks limitation, we must be in a place of limitation and suffering. How can we intentionally limit ourselves (even beyond the limitedness of our being, itself) to become closer to knowing our own beingness, and the heart of our limitless God?

**ETA: I was just reminded of something. The Cloud of Unknowing, which influenced Christian mystic and theologian Julian of Norwich, is used not to figure God out, but to strip away all the falsities so that one could become One with the Father. It's kind of like negative space--knowing that which is NOT reveals what IS. We are not God and we are limited (the nature of beingness). Therefore, we know what God is not. Through Apophatic prayer, we are receptive in stillness and silence without imaginings, and we may come to know God's ISness through our beingness of NOT being God.

"...We must recall that "between Creator and creature, no similitude can be expressed without implying an even greater dissimilitude"; and that "concerning God, we cannot grasp what he is, but only what he is not, and how other beings stand in relation to him." 
--Catechism of the Catholic Church (Ch. 1 Paragraph 43)