Particles

Are we the dreams of dreamers
Or the dreamers of dreams?

Great creators of life--and death

The great duality, a curse or perfection?
It's all perception

We are wave crashers
With our eyes
We see but we're unaware

Discarnate, we look down upon our lives
Like children
Our painful moments marked by Reese's cups
A lifetime spread out like candy on the soft blankety cosmos

Have we truly loved?

The Girl

What does she want--the girl?
Like the shimmer of the moon on the dark water's skin
she jumps and flits
Afraid to stay too long
She takes to the forests
Like a wolf on four paws
running free
just wanting to be
wanting to see
how far she can go, with no bags on her back.

But what does she want--the girl?
She knows love exists because the moon tells her so

She's seen him walk among the crows
        the one
                      her soul calls to

She knows her soul is violet.

What does she want--the girl?
She is not lost but she wanders.
telling stories about the Ocean
on her lips
in her blood
She is water.
They tell her they feel safe with her
even though her power could take them under

And then she sees the moon, reflecting on herself
and she knows she is the moon, too.

What does she want--the girl?
to see how it all fits together
to somehow be water
and find a way to dance with fire.

Constellations

Little black wolf cries out at the moon...

Little Black wolf Cries out at the moon, "Why have you left me, my love, down here all alone?"

I do my lightwork in the Shadows

The language that I speak.

I breathe in your pain like black smoke

but it does not leave me weak.

Warrioress of silken night,

All the world’s a dream.

Break on through to the bright white light

and weave another scene.

I exhale pure love through my lips

That cracks your heart open to be free…

Quietly I’ll walk away

You never knew that it was me.

The Demon Who Loved Me

I'll tell you a story about a demon who loved me.
He would often whisper in my ear
Trying to get me alone in the night
So his voice is all I could hear.

His shadow was always two steps behind
Even when I thought I'd tricked him
He would emerge again from the dark
and drink my spirit within him

He resented my wings and would pluck at their tips
with his curled black claws
then run them down my soft white cheek
as I cried into his arms

As much as I tried to get away
He told me I was his
that I would never be free
and I should just give in

He loved me so much he wanted my misery
So I would leave my mortal coil
To join him in his dark abyss
Together as one in his kingdom of spoils

One day the whispers stopped
I wondered where he'd gone
That painful empty hole inside
Had left my weary bones

I awoke one day and saw a feather at my bedside
He loved me so much he let my wings grow
He loved me so much
He let me go
He let me go....


*(A Poem about overcoming depression)

Synchronicity & Thank You to Keanu Reeves

***Update: I did end up meeting Keanu Reeves in 2018. You know how they say, "don't meet your idols?" Lol... 

At a book signing in Los Angeles, I shook his hand, chatted with him a bit, and then he cut me off while speaking. I was a bit insulted, to be honest. Perhaps I was speaking too softly and it's a misunderstanding, but it felt pretty rude and abrupt the way he did it. After meeting him, I didn't work on that screenplay for about 5 years! I mostly lost interest in the script and then life got kind of crazy. I did realize though, how I have often been inclined to make idols out of people, in the sense that I put them before God. Now, I am thankful for being given this opportunity to learn and grow, and to become better for God. I still am grateful for what was awakened within me. He did ignite something special. It was inside me all along! I still took a lot of artistic inspiration from him which became part of me. 

And I actually did end up learning how to ride, too, by the way. I got my motorcycle license... I never got my own motorcycle or continued riding, but I did what I set out to do and gained the experience. I know I can do anything I set out to do. 

***

Over the past several months, I have been experiencing a series of synchronicities in my life, all connecting in some way to Keanu.  So--I started paying attention and followed these gentle (and sometimes not so gentle!) nudges from the universe.  It's as if I'd been asleep for a long time and have just begun to awaken again.  He ignited me.  He sparked inspiration--the creative juice of the universe!  The screenplay I'm writing now was inspired by him and I have to thank him for that.  I've had this story inside me for a while and his words are what brought it all to life.  His art inspired my art.  Also, thanks partly to him, I have found my spirit medicine from the Black Wolf, which I will explain more later.  I think Keanu has some black wolf in him, too.

The thing that particularly inspired me was a comment he made on his art book, Shadows, that he co-created with artist Alexandra Grant.  He said, 

"Is fear tied to shadow?  Yes.  But shadow is also pretty cool... you can make rabbits."  

I'm not sure if he even knows how deep that was.  Or maybe he does. It's so simple yet so profound and very symbolic.  It's taking something dark, and making it into something pure. There's a certain childlike profundity to it that's almost like the channeled information I would sometimes receive from spirit guides.  Something simple, but beautiful--a profound concept communicated in a way we can understand as humans.  The image of the shadow rabbits and the Jungian concept of the shadow really resonated with me, as I had been dabbling again with some shamanic shadow work, soul retrieval and journeying recently.  The word "Shaman", itself, means "to burn" or to "set on fire" (pretty metal lol), so I was drawn to the idea of taking that darkness and holding it up to the light. Setting it on fire, and purifying it.  Keanu's words sparked an idea that inspired the opening scene of my screenplay and helped me develop the whole theme.  

I even took some creative influence from his motorcycle riding.  I started re-reading the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which I had read ten years ago and drew some inspiration from that.  I always loved that book and how the narrator slowly reveals the character "Phaedrus", at first as a ghost, and then as part of his divided identity.  It examines philosphical concepts, the beauty of nature, the "ghosts" we all believe in, the classic vs. romantic understanding of the world and how the buddha can reside as comfortably in the gears of a motorcycle as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower (Kind of Feynman-esque).  My Phaedrus in my story is female, and I am determined to encapsulate a depth, intrigue, vulnerabilty, intelligence and strength within the character.  I might decide to do some "research" and try riding, myself.  

I will share one of my little meaningful coincidences with you, which led to my discovering the spirit medicine of the Black Wolf...

After a day of treating myself to a massage, coffee and some new books, I drove home--totally blissed out--in the cool evening mountain air, blasting The Clash in the car. It was these two books that I was particularly drawn to and bought them without hesitation.

Medicine Woman (great story!) and the other is my journal.  It wasn't until I got home and started reading Medicine Woman that I noticed the name "Reeves" was on the very first page, credited for illustrations.

This book has brought me the spirit of the Black Wolf.  I feel a strong connection to the black wolf lately. Late at night when I take my walks alone under the stars, I feel myself becoming the black wolf...stalking in the shadows--a love affair with the moon. The black wolf is described as wearing the "black cloak of contemplation". He is more introverted, as opposed to the white wolf who is more extroverted. He tracks through the forests for what he wants, then he comes back to his pack to curl up in the sun and think about it.  He's very loyal and protective of his pack. A lonesome loner, and supposedly a "lone wolf that is afraid to be alone".  I don't know if the latter is necessarily true, for me anyway. There are times when I want to be and times when I don't. I think Keanu's definitely got that black wolf spirit in him. 

Creative inspiration goes hand-in-hand with synchronicity, because they both come from the same universal energy--sexual energy.  When we feel like we're in the right "groove" we're letting this energy flow through us freely.  That is what we are tapping into when we create and when we are inspired.  It's how the universal potential for creation is made manifest in this material plane. Whether we are creating art, music, films, cooking, or even bringing a new life into the world...that is when humans, I think, are at their most beautiful.  When we are expressing ourselves authentically as reflections of the universe (As above, so below).  It's why we are all here, really. To create, to love, and to inspire one another.

I have again found the voice of the poet--the shaman's spirit--that I had tucked away in the cobwebs of my soul.  I'm hoping someday a string will connect our paths together so that I can thank Keanu in person for being a source of creative inspiration. He truly is rare and unique soul, and his light has definitely shined on me.

All the love and best intentions for the highest good,

Xoxo,
~Nicole~

This.

"I believe the masculine is most turned on by guiding the feminine into a depth of unimaginable pleasure. Being present as she completely surrenders into the divine. Losing her mind… Literally ~ Losing Her Mind into the exquisite, infinite unknown. Glowing as she is free of thoughts, free of time, space and existence." 

~Michael Burnstein

Art: Adrian Borda

Sexual Shapeshifting - "Grokking The C*ck"

"You are in the seed, the seed is in you and you are the seed itself." - Serge Kahili King

I've always known that sex and sexual energy is the key to opening the doors to the universe.  Grokking during sex is something that has always come naturally to me.  I have never read about it anywhere, and although I've read a lot of material on Tantra and Shamanism, I feel like most of it is not new to me and what I do (and the way I do it) is what my soul has known how to do for maybe a thousand years.  

Grokking is a Polynesian word for merging with nature's elements to change existing natural conditions.   In King's book, Urban Shaman, grokking is described as merging with something (or someone) and knowing it from the inside in order to change it from the inside.  1 percent of your self-awareness is retained no matter how deeply you grok.

You can grok inanimate objects, the earth, the elements, animals, and even people.  I realized that when having physical or energetic sex, you can grok the other person's genitals or inhabit their entire being, feeling what they feel.  Being completely inside someone, and them inside you--their soul inside your soul.  Going this deep can bring up intense emotions, but once you experience that kind of sexual nourishment... living off of "junk food sex" just won't cut it.  

Grokking while giving oral sex is one of my favorite things to do and I never even realized this is what I was doing until recently.  It is easier with oral than penetrative sex because you focus much less on your own body and it is easier to retain that 1 percent self-awareness.  It is endlessly satisfying for me because I can feel what the other person is feeling and how they are responding to my touch.  

The process of sexual grokking is pretty simple.  You can do it with your eyes open or closed.  If you are merging energetically only and not physically, it is beneficial to close your eyes.  This process is something I discovered on my own and it is very sacred to me.  I share this with much love.  

Here is what you do:

1. Feel your own energy in your body.  You might feel waves of energy, warmth or see colors.  

2. With your intention, have your spirit body "meet" with the other person's energetic spirit body in front of your physical body.  Feel for the appropriateness of this and if it feels okay.  If for any reason it does not feel okay, don't force it.  (Optional: Put your right hand up, palm facing out and send loving energy to their heart.  "Ask" if you can merge with them.)

3. Merge with the other person's energy and feel their spirit body within your spirit body.  You may feel like you have both a vagina and a penis or that your genitals have become one, and stimulating one will cause sensation in both.  You may also feel like your or your partner's energetic penis is large enough to reach up into the chest. You may feel penetration in a new way that you've never felt before.  

4. Try breathing love deeply in, and deeply out.  Receiving and giving love.  Focus on the heart center expanding and let that energy flow to the sexual energy center below the navel.

5. When stimulating the other person, make every touch full of intention and really feel what they are feeling.  

In time, this technique might come more naturally to you and you will naturally grok while giving oral sex or making love.  You don't have to make it a big process every time, but it is good to understand how to feel this energy in the beginning and helps you to stay connected with your partner on a deep level.

You are me and I am you, 
~Nicole~

Journey to The Underworld - The Phoenix and The Abyss

Content warning:

I had taken this post down a while ago but decided to put it back and add this foreword. I feel like leaving posts like this up could be important in helping others distinguish messages from God from things that distract from TRUTH and LIGHT. Some visions may appear as being from the light at times, but ultimately, they yield nothing and will leave you hollow. At worst, they can leave you vulnerable to demonic attacks and possession. Perhaps posting this will also help some others who are stuck in non-truth to find their way to the truth and know that they still can be redeemed.

I studied a bit of Shamanism and dabbled in it, but never really got ALL THE WAY into any particular practice and never labeled myself as anything. I later found that some of the symbolism that appeared in this vision and others were common, especially with regard to journeying to other realms to meet a power animal. Other people have also reported seeing stone staircases and bridges, for example. I didn't know this prior to trying the journey in a trance state.

It's been a long time since I've attempted a shamanic journey or even meditated, but tonight I had a pretty intense journey through the three shamanic worlds. 

The following is an experience I had while doing a shamanic journey to the Lower Realm to meet a Power Animal. The spirit medicine given to me by the Phoenix was intended to remind me of the gift of birth, death, and rebirth to help me to cope with my ultimate fear—death. The phoenix teaches us that there is no end, only new beginnings. All that lives will die, and all that dies will live again. The phoenix reminds us of our ability to transform. Sometimes we must “die” to give birth to a whole new self.

I took no drugs or hallucinogens for this journey.

I sat down alone with a candle and incense. For the first hour, I practiced relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, self-massage and "feather light touch". I activated my energy centers and then began my meditation session.

Once I allowed my awareness to transcend into a shamanic state of consciousness, or non-ordinary reality, I was greeted at a large tree in the center of worlds by my Native American spirit guide (a familiar old friend). By his side was a large wolf named Sabaya. We rode on Sabaya through this realm, evading dark energies and spirits that were reaching out to grab me. Sabaya breezed past them and took us up a stone staircase, where I went alone to the Upper World to retrieve two things to help me on my journey: a spear and a Phoenix.

Sabaya took us back to the big World Tree, which connects the three worlds, and started digging in the dirt near its roots, uncovering a small hole no bigger than the size of a tennis ball, but you could see another world through the hole. I thought my guide and Sabaya were coming with me, but the Native American man laughed and said, "No this is your journey, not mine. You will find what you need. It is a personal quest."

The phoenix refused to perch upon my arm and preferred to be free in the sky to watch over me until he was needed. I slipped down the small hole and found myself in the lower world. I scanned around and tried to decide which way I was supposed to go. I could see a small wooden bridge and a cottage on the other side. Before I crossed the bridge, I noticed that my spear had a small sack attached near the spear end, tied with a string of suede. I opened it and there were 3 runes inside. (One was an "X" the other looked like “77” and the third was a line with a dot underneath and two more lines under that.)

I put the runes back into the sack for when I might need them. I was glad to know they were there. I knocked on the door of the cottage and a thin blonde man with dark beady eyes answered the door. He let me in and I entered into a kitchen. He told me to sit down at a little wooden table. I was cautious. His energy felt prickly and unstable. I looked past him to see out the window and he lunged at me with a screeching animal howl. My phoenix screeched back at him and I exposed my spear. He retreated. He was still not to be trusted. He blew a ball of black smoke and handed it to me. I was still very cautious and didn't trust this black ball he gave me so I told him I didn't want to accept anything from him. Just when I thought I was being smart, I realized, "Wait. I have the power to transmute this. To transmute this whole situation."

I asked him to give me the ball back. I could feel it full of hate and anger and hurt. I sent the ball love from my heart center and blew a cool air on it from my lips. It was his very pain that I was transmuting. The black ball turned into a pink ball and I gave it back to him. He took it into himself and said "Thank you" with love. He was no longer threatening. He was as harmless as a pure white rabbit. I saw him as a rabbit and he went out of the window that I was trying to look through before. Now I could see a world of color and moving energy. I was entranced by what I saw out the window, but then I realized I was getting distracted and headed out of the cottage door.

I crossed the bridge back to the other side and was drawn to a tall tree in the distance. There was something at the top of it that I needed. I began to climb, but I realized it was covered with some kind of slimy, slippery mud. I first thought I should use my spear to help me climb up. I quickly found that disrespecting the tree by stabbing it repeatedly to elevate myself was not the correct method. I felt stumped. My phoenix couldn't carry me. Then I realized I had the power to control this situation, too. I used a technique in Hawaiian Shamanism called "Grokking". I let 1% of my consciousness stay in my body and 99% went into the clouds to collect rain. I was actually in one state of consciousness (the quest) while moving into another state of consciousness INSIDE the quest. This felt pretty advanced, but I persisted. I was able to collect enough rain and it poured down upon myself and the tree. I could even see my little self in the tree from the perspective of the clouds. I then returned to being present in the tree and felt the cool rain drops falling on my skin and washing the slimy goo from the branches. I was then able to ascend to the top of the tree, where I found a bright orange ball of fire.

What the *#@& was I supposed to do with this now?

I sat there with it and thought if I should take it with me or use it for something. Then something told me I had to put it in my belly. Some voice, possibly my higher self or guide, told me, "You have lost the fire in your belly. Put this inside you and you will have a fire in your belly again."

I placed the orange ball of fire in my belly and I felt empowered. Like I had found part of myself that I had lost. There was one last task though before I could return back up the hole leading to the center of worlds. I scanned the horizon of the lower world from the tree top and I saw this dark area... Ominous and creepy. I HAD to go there.

I descended from the tree and my phoenix followed me through a desert to the edge of a cliff. Looking off the edge of the cliff, a giant black wave rose higher and higher, until it looked like the wave of a tsunami on a dark night that rose infinitely into the sky. I stood there and stared right into it. It was an abyss. I stared into the abyss with no fear. This was death. I knew it. I could feel it. I had always feared death. I stared into the abyss, and then I jumped into it. At first I thought it would consume me. That I couldn't breathe. That it would take me under and trap me. But inside this water-like abyss, I was floating. It actually turned into a liquid-like cosmos, where I was weightless. I felt freedom and I felt eternal. 

Death was nothing more than dancing suspended in outer space and making music by touching the stars.  

Every time I tapped on a star with my hand or foot, it would create a musical note. It was epic. I then realized this wasn't all. I had to find a way out again eventually and not get distracted. Damn... I kept getting distracted.

I looked down and saw a crack with light coming from it. I went down to it and poked my head through the crack. My phoenix was still in the lower world waiting from the other side of the "wave". I was looking into yet another dimension at this point. It was desert-like with rocks and boulders, but everything was upside down. The rock formations were up on the "ceiling" from which I was looking down. I fell into the gap and landed in sand. I didn't know what to do at first, so I ate the runes. (Yes.) I realized my phoenix couldn't save me. I then realized the only way to save myself was to "die", and resurrect myself from ash, as the phoenix.

So, I let myself die. I stopped breathing. My heart stopped. My body decayed. My skin wore away and then I was just bones. My bones eventually turned to dust. I used that technique from Hawaiian Shamanism again and "grokked" the phoenix. I felt myself rising from my own ashes. I rose above them and spread two large wings that seemed tremendous. My beak opened and I let out a loud screech. I soared up through the gap and popped out the other side of the black wave. I flew back to the hole leading to the tree at the center of worlds, knowing my work was done for this quest.

My guide was waiting for me with Sabaya and he gave me an approving smile. I was back in my normal form again and he took me by the shoulders, drawing me close to put his third eye against my third eye. We stayed for a few moments and then I looked in his eyes. They were so familiar. He smiled again because there was something unspoken that he knew that I knew.

I then awoke from my deep meditation back to my normal state of consciousness and thanked my guides for giving me tools and guidance which will help me in my life. I will implement the lessons I learned and I can use the insights I gained from this quest. I will create—I will find that fire that I placed in my belly. There is always a way—and there is always a better way. Love can transmute. We are eternal and death is nothing more than dancing suspended in outer space, making music by touching the stars.

~Nicole Tancredi
6/22/17

**I just found out there is a name for that little sack that held the runes.  It's a spirit bag/medicine bag/witch bag. Celtic traditions called it a "crane bag".

A few days later, I saw this on Facebook, and I landed right on the Phoenix!  (Read description below)
**Notice the 77% battery life on my phone??  Like the runic symbol! (Synchronicities everywhere.)

The meanings of the runic symbols:

7 7 - Two "Laguz" symbols.
        Original position - Water, life, imagination, energy, dreams)
        Reversed - Confusion, despair, perversity, suicide, madness

X - Gebo -
      Original position - Gifts, personal relationships
      Reversed - Greed, loneliness, obligation

I*II - ???  (Looked at the Iching, but it's not that either.)