I do know. Despite my cries that I don't. Despite the fear that sometimes rattles my heart, urging me back to what I know is not right. Anything I move towards, I know that I want to choose someone or something because I CHOOSE it, not out of a reaction to a fear.
My brain is sneaky... I even fool myself into thinking my heart doesn't know truth or what it wants. It does. I do. I need more patience, and above all, the virtue of hope.
For the past year and a half of being single, I kept the prospect of my previous relationship on the backburner. Let's call him "D." It was easy to remember only the good times with D. and the good qualities about him. He's not a bad person, but deeply wounded. He was a former ordained minister at a Pentecostal church, where he was also a youth minister. He is highly intelligent and loves God above all else. He often would do 21 or even 30 day water fasts, so that does say something about his character. He struggled with PTSD from what happened at the church and it was a major pain point that he never really recovered from. He also battled cancer in his 20's, which contributed to his PTSD. When I came into his life, he was drinking heavily and would drink until he blacked out--The "D." that he showed the world would black out and another personality would come forward that was very dark. I do believe that there are demonic attachments to him.
After God forced me out of that living situation when my mom was sick, I continued a constant connection with him. I conveniently let slip from memory all of the wounds to my heart, psyche and soul. As I remained friends with him, I found him as my only confidante, and in my isolation over the past few years, many of my friendships had fallen away. I felt like he was all I had and he was the only person in my life who really knew me anymore. The traumas we experienced together kept us bonded. For a while, he was seeing a therapist, had stopped drinking, and was even reading some of Saint John Paul II's Theology of the Body, as I was. We sent funny memes to each other almost every day. I seemed to forget that while I was living with him for three and a half years, he would put me in a position to need him and then I would be criticized for not standing on my own two feet. He would give me the key to my cage and tell me I was free.
Over the past year and a half since I left, I allowed him to become a "back-up plan" if it looked as though my life would lead me to a lonely, bleak future. This is not only not fair to his dignity, but it blocks me from actually making way for a bright future whereby the highest possibility of Love can be brought about.
Recently, God gave me a moment of divine clarity while I was speaking with D. on the phone. He had started drinking again, unfortunately, but not surprisingly. He started making less and less sense as he continued babbling, and then he said something that completely shifted my heart in one moment. I immediately saw things from a higher perspective and dropped all attachments. I felt bad for him and realized he NEEDED my prayers. This could be the entire reason I was brought into his life. Even if it did take me nearly 5 years to realize it. He desperately needs God's help. I realized so many things from so many angles at once, that it felt like it wasn't a human perspective, but divine. I felt Love making way. Not my love. Not for my own highest good, but the highest possibility of love for all. A higher vision. A higher good for all in far-reaching ways. It's not about me moving on or being "happy". It's not about me at all. Realizing that was so freeing. I am so grateful.
The next day, I reached out to someone from my past. I'll call her "R." When I was thirteen years old, I had a sexual relationship with a girl (before I ever was with a male) and I was with her for two years. This person was R. She was the only woman I had feelings for and I never had a relationship with another woman throughout my life since her. Our dynamic changed to being more like sisters and best friends over time. It was a deep friendship but was punctuated by long periods of separation. During the times we were out of one another's lives, it would feel like something was not right in the order of the universe. I was living with D. during the pandemic, and that's when it seemed the final dissolution of our friendship happened. Not only did differing ideologies create a schism, there was so much hurt under the surface of our skin, that we would easily trigger this pain in one another. It just seemed hopeless.
Yesterday we talked again for the first time in about two years. We have known one another for almost 30 years now! She has been reading a lot lately, as I have, and has even been reading some work from the saints and mystics! We shared our ridiculously long list of books on our reading lists, and we decided to read one together using an app like a virtual book club. Talking to her again brings so much peace to my heart, and it came at a time when I finally released attachments that were keeping me in a place of fear (especially of being alone). I know that I am never alone, especially since Jesus walks with me, but I really feel a hole has been filled. A hole that only a nurturing friendship can fill. This friendship can now be a holy and spiritually-fulfilling one, too. I am so full of gratitude. God has so many aces up his sleeve. I continue to be floored by his active presence.
ETA: Oh, but there's more.
God certainly put a PERIODT at the end of the sentence that was my and D's relationship. With this recent revelation, I am free to Love him fully now without any self-interest. This is a more purified version of the Love I could give. It releases the prospect of ever returning to the relationship. I can truly will his good. He has been so angry for so long. Angry at the world, angry at God... but really, he was always angry with himself. I will be there for him as a friend always. For some reason, I usually do end up counselling those who have hurt me (especially exes), and perhaps this is part of my gift, and I should see it as one. God is Love. And Love will always make way. (I can hear Jeff Goldblum's voice as Ian Malcom saying, instead of the word life, "Love...uh... finds a way." Haha.)