Sunday, December 27, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Dreams and Symbols
I wanted to share a strange dream that I had a few nights ago…
In my dream, I was getting ready to get married. I don’t know whose house I was at, but I suppose it was mine. My mom was there, my grandpa was there, and one of my uncles was there. I was supposed to be marrying some guy that day. I don’t know who it was, and I don’t even remember his name, but he was my age. My mom was in the bathroom with me, helping me with my dress, and I sat on the closed lid of the toilet and told her in a moment of fast realization, “I don’t like (so-and-so).” I said that I don’t love him and I don’t want to marry him. So, even though I had my dress on and I was almost ready, and even a little excited about the whole “marriage” thing for some reason, I decided against it and realized I was doing it for the wrong reasons and didn’t want to be with him. So, instead, I decided to go see a movie. This movie was some weird black and white movie, and although it was a recent film, It featured Ryan Buell as a child, playing the role of a psychotic/disturbed child in some kind of classic sci-fi/horror film. It wasn’t very far into the movie before the doors of the small theatre opened, and in walked a young couple (about in their late twenties/early thirties). The male walked to the front of the aisles while the woman stayed back and started securing or locking the door. Everyone was immediately aware that something very bad was now happening. The woman addressed the crowd and started talking about the bad state of the economy. It was now noticeable that they both had guns. I thought to myself that if I had just gotten married that day instead of choosing to go to the movies, I wouldn’t be in this situation and I could have spared whoever I was with of this situation as well. I started to feel guilty. As the woman was talking I felt a sense of rage, yet at the same time, I felt pushed past my brink to where I didn’t care and had nothing to lose. I knew I was probably going to die and we were all closed in. No one was panicking and everyone was quiet. The woman had a glass of some kind of alcoholic drink and was obviously slightly drunk. As she talked I stood there, still in my wedding dress, and stared right into her eyes intently. I didn’t blink. I stared deeper and deeper to the point where it probably was creepy or somewhat uncomfortable to her in a way. She made a weird face. I was mad, but felt kind of blank at the same time. I wanted her to have a sense of humanity. I said out loud in a calm, relaxed voice, “You know, it’s kind of ironic…. The reflection [of my image] in your eyes looks like hearts.”
I don’t know what happened between then and when I was outside, but somehow the situation had settled. (Perhaps because of something I said or did?) I was outside with them and I think I was at their house. They had a pick-up truck (I think it was blue or black) and they had a little caramel-colored dog, like a small boxer. I was making “nice” with them and we were talking kind of friendly. I was still cautious, but I didn’t make it obvious. The guy was showing me his “glock” and talking about it. I asked if he had ever shot someone or killed someone before or anything, and he proceeded to tell me that he had, in fact, shot/killed someone before. This was news to his girlfriend I think, and I believe that she was mad that he was telling me this stuff and may have even gotten slightly jealous. They went in the garage and started arguing, then it escalated and I heard him yelling about her being a slut and other vulgarities. She stormed out and started packing her things. I stood there with her as she was packing, and she was telling me something about high school. I asked her when she graduated and she said 2004. I said something like, “Oh, you’re two years younger than me”, or something to that effect. And that’s all I can remember.
Here is my interpretation:
First of all, the dream happened the night before my college graduation ceremony. Some of my general anxieties could have been reflected in this way. However, I also see deeper and more spiritual meanings buried here and I also see familiar archetypes.
For a few days prior to my dream, I had been doubting and questioning my beliefs again, trying to figure out why I fear death and how I can be at peace in life. My dwelling on the concept of death amplified my fear of it and my fear grew greater. I had also been reading the Tao Te Ching (Eastern Philosophy). This dream was my subconscious’ way of sorting things out--not only my fear of death, but my fear of commitment (my choices being irreversible) and my difficulty with decision-making. I sometimes find that I struggle with my true feelings about love and relationships as well. On one hand, I don’t think that we have just one soul mate, but that we have many possible soul mates in our physical lifetime. I think that we should not need to depend on one other, nor should we put all of our hypothetical eggs in one basket. And yet, on the other hand, I crave finding one intense and passionate love that is ethereal and soul-shaking. With a deep, mutual understanding of one another and a bond that exceeds the physical. A true spiritual connection. Not only does this dream serve as a way to try to sort out these inner struggles, but it also shows what kind of person I am now. It shows my compassion and there are many apparent symbols of wisdom and themes of sexuality.
Marriage
In a dream interpretation book that I have, it says that a marriage or wedding in a dream often indicates the uniting of two particular parts of the dreamer which need to come together in order to create a better whole. For instance, the intellect and feelings--or perhaps the practical and intuitive sides--may need to be united. Often a marriage or wedding can be precognitive in that one may subconsciously be aware of a relationship between two people, but it has not yet registered on the conscious level. To be dreaming of wearing a wedding dress is to be trying to sort out one’s feelings and hopes about relationships and weddings. Because the human being is always looking for someone to complement him or herself, to dream of a wedding can give some indication of the type of person we are looking for as a partner. Spiritually there is a process of integration which needs to come about. Firstly the masculine and feminine sides of our personality need to unite, then the physical and spiritual sides need to harmonize. This is usually known as a mystic union.
Danger
The point where I realize I have nothing to lose could be my reconciliation with the concept of my mortality…letting go and accepting my fate. When we find ourselves in dangerous circumstances in dreams, we are often reflecting the anxieties and dilemmas of everyday life. We may be conscious that our activities may be harmful to us if we carry on in the same way. Dreams can often point to a danger in symbolic form, such as conflict, fire or flood. We may need to have pitfalls represented in such a way in order to recognize them on a conscious level. Dreaming of oneself in a dangerous or precarious position, can also indicate a spiritual insecurity. (I think the latter interpretation addresses my struggles with my beliefs.)
Guns
In dreams, a gun has a masculine and sexual connotation. If a woman is firing a gun she is aware of the masculine, aggressive side of her personality. If she is being shot at, she perhaps feels threatened by overt signs of aggression or sexuality. It depends on the circumstances of the dream how the use of a gun is interpreted. It may also symbolize protecting the things we feel are important to us. The main symbolism, though, is masculinity.
Theater
Dreaming of a theater, particularly when we are not involved in the action (in other words, not part of a play or show) indicates that we are able to stand back and take an objective viewpoint. Because it is a social venue, it has relevance in people’s relationships with one another. It is this aspect which is being highlighted. Spiritually, the idea of a play in a dream highlights the idea of the microcosm within the macrocosm--the small within a larger framework. (Hmm… think of the line “all the world’s a stage”… it’s a stage within a stage or a show within a larger show). The symbolism here could also reflect my career direction, being that one of my main interests is film and theatre.
Anima and Animus
The appearance of a man and a woman taking control of a situation (one in which I have no control or am at their mercy), to me, symbolizes the anima/animus. These are Jungian archetypes. According to the dream book, when we dream of a figure of the opposite sex we are attempting to give meaning and validity to the attributes and qualities of that particular sex. Thus a man may be trying to access his more sensitive side, while a woman may be attempting to become more logical. We are attempting to balance our psychological being through an ability to be objective about ourselves. Only through understanding that we hold within us elements of the opposite sex, can we become whole and properly integrated. The polarity of the way we express our own gender is an equally valid part of our personality.
Carl Jung mapped the functions of these archetypes as they surface in dreams, and I found that the “villain” male and the “competitor” female are negative and associate with the function of thinking. The villain is completely selfishly involved, not caring who he tramples on his own search. He is often the aspect of masculinity women first meet in everyday relationships, so can remain in dream images as a threatening figure if she has not come to terms with his selfishness. The competitor is the woman who competes with all and sundry--both men and women--in an effort to prove that she is able to control her own life.
Eyes (and Hearts)
Any dream to do with the eyes is to do with observation and discrimination. It is indicative of enlightenment and wisdom, protection and stability. It has a connection with the power of light and in ancient times of the sun gods. Through its connection with Egyptian symbolism, the eye is also a talisman. So, dreaming of seeing hearts reflected in one’s eyes has MUCH symbolism. The heart is the center of the being and represents “feeling” wisdom rather than intellectual wisdom. It is also representative of compassion and understanding. These are the feelings that I experienced during that point of my dream.
Alcohol
When alcohol appears in a dream we may need or require a largely pleasurable experience or influence. We have available means of changing perception. We can afford to let go and go “with the flow” of what is happening to us. Alcohol as “spirit” is the conjunction of opposites, and a means of changing consciousness.
…
This was my second memorable dream involving myself wearing a wedding dress or preparing to be married. The first one I had about 5 years ago. In that dream, I was supposed to marry my aunt’s ex-husband who was a Mormon and he was late because he was off getting drunk, and when I drove off to find him, the apocalypse was happening and bombs were exploding and falling from the sky with black clouds as I sped away from it in a convertible in my wedding dress. I’ll interpret some of the symbols from that another time, but here’s what I wrote about that dream…
I was about to get married to my aunt’s ex-husband, Roger. I had my wedding dress and everything, but I didn’t want to do it. It was like it was being set up. Some guy called (I guess a friend of Roger’s?) and my mom or grandpa answered. The guy asked, “So did you have Nikki sign the prenuptials?” (No one calls me Nikki.) I was looking for a pencil, and meanwhile, My grandpa brought a frozen pizza that was sitting there covered. So I uncovered it and I was like “Oh no, that pizza doesn’t have enough toppings on it.” It only had 8 pepperonis on it and they were mostly on this one slice, so I offered to go to the store and get some mushrooms and peppers and onions and sausage, but I didn’t feel like going to the store and slicing up the toppings during my wedding. (oh, my mom said something about it being for a salad, and I got aggravated and said no it was for the pizza) So the whole damn thing was about to go down and the music started playing. People that I didn’t know were walking down the aisle, and I was sitting to the side of the aisle watching everyone pass by. I was whining something about my hair to my mom sitting next to me. Roger wasn’t coming. For some reason we decided to get in the car ( guess to go find him) and we were headed right for a big, black, ominous tornado but we drove right under it unharmed! Then ahead of us to the left, big egg-like “bombs” were falling from the sky, causing big explosions, so we detoured away from it and headed back. I hoped that he didn’t drive into that. Supposedly Roger had said on the phone that he was in traffic and that he was a minute away when he called, but he was taking much longer, so we figured he must have gone into the men’s room to get drunk. Mind you, he was a Mormon, so he didn’t drink and that was very uncharacteristic. I was planning how I was going to say “no” to him. A part of me wanted to get married, but I was thinking… he hardly knows me. We have nothing in common.
In my dream, I was getting ready to get married. I don’t know whose house I was at, but I suppose it was mine. My mom was there, my grandpa was there, and one of my uncles was there. I was supposed to be marrying some guy that day. I don’t know who it was, and I don’t even remember his name, but he was my age. My mom was in the bathroom with me, helping me with my dress, and I sat on the closed lid of the toilet and told her in a moment of fast realization, “I don’t like (so-and-so).” I said that I don’t love him and I don’t want to marry him. So, even though I had my dress on and I was almost ready, and even a little excited about the whole “marriage” thing for some reason, I decided against it and realized I was doing it for the wrong reasons and didn’t want to be with him. So, instead, I decided to go see a movie. This movie was some weird black and white movie, and although it was a recent film, It featured Ryan Buell as a child, playing the role of a psychotic/disturbed child in some kind of classic sci-fi/horror film. It wasn’t very far into the movie before the doors of the small theatre opened, and in walked a young couple (about in their late twenties/early thirties). The male walked to the front of the aisles while the woman stayed back and started securing or locking the door. Everyone was immediately aware that something very bad was now happening. The woman addressed the crowd and started talking about the bad state of the economy. It was now noticeable that they both had guns. I thought to myself that if I had just gotten married that day instead of choosing to go to the movies, I wouldn’t be in this situation and I could have spared whoever I was with of this situation as well. I started to feel guilty. As the woman was talking I felt a sense of rage, yet at the same time, I felt pushed past my brink to where I didn’t care and had nothing to lose. I knew I was probably going to die and we were all closed in. No one was panicking and everyone was quiet. The woman had a glass of some kind of alcoholic drink and was obviously slightly drunk. As she talked I stood there, still in my wedding dress, and stared right into her eyes intently. I didn’t blink. I stared deeper and deeper to the point where it probably was creepy or somewhat uncomfortable to her in a way. She made a weird face. I was mad, but felt kind of blank at the same time. I wanted her to have a sense of humanity. I said out loud in a calm, relaxed voice, “You know, it’s kind of ironic…. The reflection [of my image] in your eyes looks like hearts.”
I don’t know what happened between then and when I was outside, but somehow the situation had settled. (Perhaps because of something I said or did?) I was outside with them and I think I was at their house. They had a pick-up truck (I think it was blue or black) and they had a little caramel-colored dog, like a small boxer. I was making “nice” with them and we were talking kind of friendly. I was still cautious, but I didn’t make it obvious. The guy was showing me his “glock” and talking about it. I asked if he had ever shot someone or killed someone before or anything, and he proceeded to tell me that he had, in fact, shot/killed someone before. This was news to his girlfriend I think, and I believe that she was mad that he was telling me this stuff and may have even gotten slightly jealous. They went in the garage and started arguing, then it escalated and I heard him yelling about her being a slut and other vulgarities. She stormed out and started packing her things. I stood there with her as she was packing, and she was telling me something about high school. I asked her when she graduated and she said 2004. I said something like, “Oh, you’re two years younger than me”, or something to that effect. And that’s all I can remember.
Here is my interpretation:
First of all, the dream happened the night before my college graduation ceremony. Some of my general anxieties could have been reflected in this way. However, I also see deeper and more spiritual meanings buried here and I also see familiar archetypes.
For a few days prior to my dream, I had been doubting and questioning my beliefs again, trying to figure out why I fear death and how I can be at peace in life. My dwelling on the concept of death amplified my fear of it and my fear grew greater. I had also been reading the Tao Te Ching (Eastern Philosophy). This dream was my subconscious’ way of sorting things out--not only my fear of death, but my fear of commitment (my choices being irreversible) and my difficulty with decision-making. I sometimes find that I struggle with my true feelings about love and relationships as well. On one hand, I don’t think that we have just one soul mate, but that we have many possible soul mates in our physical lifetime. I think that we should not need to depend on one other, nor should we put all of our hypothetical eggs in one basket. And yet, on the other hand, I crave finding one intense and passionate love that is ethereal and soul-shaking. With a deep, mutual understanding of one another and a bond that exceeds the physical. A true spiritual connection. Not only does this dream serve as a way to try to sort out these inner struggles, but it also shows what kind of person I am now. It shows my compassion and there are many apparent symbols of wisdom and themes of sexuality.
Marriage
In a dream interpretation book that I have, it says that a marriage or wedding in a dream often indicates the uniting of two particular parts of the dreamer which need to come together in order to create a better whole. For instance, the intellect and feelings--or perhaps the practical and intuitive sides--may need to be united. Often a marriage or wedding can be precognitive in that one may subconsciously be aware of a relationship between two people, but it has not yet registered on the conscious level. To be dreaming of wearing a wedding dress is to be trying to sort out one’s feelings and hopes about relationships and weddings. Because the human being is always looking for someone to complement him or herself, to dream of a wedding can give some indication of the type of person we are looking for as a partner. Spiritually there is a process of integration which needs to come about. Firstly the masculine and feminine sides of our personality need to unite, then the physical and spiritual sides need to harmonize. This is usually known as a mystic union.
Danger
The point where I realize I have nothing to lose could be my reconciliation with the concept of my mortality…letting go and accepting my fate. When we find ourselves in dangerous circumstances in dreams, we are often reflecting the anxieties and dilemmas of everyday life. We may be conscious that our activities may be harmful to us if we carry on in the same way. Dreams can often point to a danger in symbolic form, such as conflict, fire or flood. We may need to have pitfalls represented in such a way in order to recognize them on a conscious level. Dreaming of oneself in a dangerous or precarious position, can also indicate a spiritual insecurity. (I think the latter interpretation addresses my struggles with my beliefs.)
Guns
In dreams, a gun has a masculine and sexual connotation. If a woman is firing a gun she is aware of the masculine, aggressive side of her personality. If she is being shot at, she perhaps feels threatened by overt signs of aggression or sexuality. It depends on the circumstances of the dream how the use of a gun is interpreted. It may also symbolize protecting the things we feel are important to us. The main symbolism, though, is masculinity.
Theater
Dreaming of a theater, particularly when we are not involved in the action (in other words, not part of a play or show) indicates that we are able to stand back and take an objective viewpoint. Because it is a social venue, it has relevance in people’s relationships with one another. It is this aspect which is being highlighted. Spiritually, the idea of a play in a dream highlights the idea of the microcosm within the macrocosm--the small within a larger framework. (Hmm… think of the line “all the world’s a stage”… it’s a stage within a stage or a show within a larger show). The symbolism here could also reflect my career direction, being that one of my main interests is film and theatre.
Anima and Animus
The appearance of a man and a woman taking control of a situation (one in which I have no control or am at their mercy), to me, symbolizes the anima/animus. These are Jungian archetypes. According to the dream book, when we dream of a figure of the opposite sex we are attempting to give meaning and validity to the attributes and qualities of that particular sex. Thus a man may be trying to access his more sensitive side, while a woman may be attempting to become more logical. We are attempting to balance our psychological being through an ability to be objective about ourselves. Only through understanding that we hold within us elements of the opposite sex, can we become whole and properly integrated. The polarity of the way we express our own gender is an equally valid part of our personality.
Carl Jung mapped the functions of these archetypes as they surface in dreams, and I found that the “villain” male and the “competitor” female are negative and associate with the function of thinking. The villain is completely selfishly involved, not caring who he tramples on his own search. He is often the aspect of masculinity women first meet in everyday relationships, so can remain in dream images as a threatening figure if she has not come to terms with his selfishness. The competitor is the woman who competes with all and sundry--both men and women--in an effort to prove that she is able to control her own life.
Eyes (and Hearts)
Any dream to do with the eyes is to do with observation and discrimination. It is indicative of enlightenment and wisdom, protection and stability. It has a connection with the power of light and in ancient times of the sun gods. Through its connection with Egyptian symbolism, the eye is also a talisman. So, dreaming of seeing hearts reflected in one’s eyes has MUCH symbolism. The heart is the center of the being and represents “feeling” wisdom rather than intellectual wisdom. It is also representative of compassion and understanding. These are the feelings that I experienced during that point of my dream.
Alcohol
When alcohol appears in a dream we may need or require a largely pleasurable experience or influence. We have available means of changing perception. We can afford to let go and go “with the flow” of what is happening to us. Alcohol as “spirit” is the conjunction of opposites, and a means of changing consciousness.
…
This was my second memorable dream involving myself wearing a wedding dress or preparing to be married. The first one I had about 5 years ago. In that dream, I was supposed to marry my aunt’s ex-husband who was a Mormon and he was late because he was off getting drunk, and when I drove off to find him, the apocalypse was happening and bombs were exploding and falling from the sky with black clouds as I sped away from it in a convertible in my wedding dress. I’ll interpret some of the symbols from that another time, but here’s what I wrote about that dream…
I was about to get married to my aunt’s ex-husband, Roger. I had my wedding dress and everything, but I didn’t want to do it. It was like it was being set up. Some guy called (I guess a friend of Roger’s?) and my mom or grandpa answered. The guy asked, “So did you have Nikki sign the prenuptials?” (No one calls me Nikki.) I was looking for a pencil, and meanwhile, My grandpa brought a frozen pizza that was sitting there covered. So I uncovered it and I was like “Oh no, that pizza doesn’t have enough toppings on it.” It only had 8 pepperonis on it and they were mostly on this one slice, so I offered to go to the store and get some mushrooms and peppers and onions and sausage, but I didn’t feel like going to the store and slicing up the toppings during my wedding. (oh, my mom said something about it being for a salad, and I got aggravated and said no it was for the pizza) So the whole damn thing was about to go down and the music started playing. People that I didn’t know were walking down the aisle, and I was sitting to the side of the aisle watching everyone pass by. I was whining something about my hair to my mom sitting next to me. Roger wasn’t coming. For some reason we decided to get in the car ( guess to go find him) and we were headed right for a big, black, ominous tornado but we drove right under it unharmed! Then ahead of us to the left, big egg-like “bombs” were falling from the sky, causing big explosions, so we detoured away from it and headed back. I hoped that he didn’t drive into that. Supposedly Roger had said on the phone that he was in traffic and that he was a minute away when he called, but he was taking much longer, so we figured he must have gone into the men’s room to get drunk. Mind you, he was a Mormon, so he didn’t drink and that was very uncharacteristic. I was planning how I was going to say “no” to him. A part of me wanted to get married, but I was thinking… he hardly knows me. We have nothing in common.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Consciousness and A Quantum View of the World
Lately I've been thinking about the possibility that the unidentified dark matter and dark energy in our universe, which alters the orbital speed of interstellar gas and dust and exerts a gravitational force on visible matter, is actually consciousness, itself.
There are vast amounts of missing matter in our universe--About 72% of our universe is comprised of dark energy and 24% dark matter. Only about 4% of our universe is actually comprised of ordinary matter and interstellar gas and dust (in other words, everything made up of atoms, including humans).To put it in perspective, in our galaxy alone, if stars were individual grains of salt, it would take about 40,000 containers of salt to equal the amount of stars in our galaxy, and the distance from one grain of salt to another would be around 15 miles in open space. That is just our galaxy. I could elaborate further on the vastness of space and how insignificant our little lives are, but I'll save that. I find it funny and ironic that the superclusters of clusters of galaxies in our universe kind of resemble the brain's neurons. The superclusters are like cobwebs that span over 100 million light years and are separated by vast voids.
Just like the shapes of the foods we eat sometimes coincide with the health benefits to particular organs (for example walnuts are shaped like a brain and they help brain function, tomatoes are red and have 4 chambers and are good for the heart), perhaps it is not coincidental that the largest structures observed in the universe resemble neurons.
I searched online to see if anyone had expounded on my theory of dark matter and dark energy actually being consciousness, and came across a paper outlining basically everything I was thinking. He uses no scientific/psychological jargon and poses his thoughts and ideas with little references or experimental evidence, but it is easy for anyone to read and understand. I also find that he has a sort of Taoist undercurrent to the structure of his wording. He seems very into spiritualism and consciousness, as am I. I dig the way this dude thinks.
Here's a link:
http://www.ronritter.com.au/darkenergy.html
Also, here's a video of Dean Radin. I remember seeing this guy in the movie/documentary "What The Bleep? Down the Rabbit Hole". He is a researcher and author in the field of parapsychology and was the former president of the Parapsychological Association. He wrote The Conscious Universe and Entangled minds.
Dean Radin: A Quantum View of the World
(ETA: Here's another video w/ Radin. Very interesting!)
Dean Radin: The Global Consciousness Project
There are vast amounts of missing matter in our universe--About 72% of our universe is comprised of dark energy and 24% dark matter. Only about 4% of our universe is actually comprised of ordinary matter and interstellar gas and dust (in other words, everything made up of atoms, including humans).To put it in perspective, in our galaxy alone, if stars were individual grains of salt, it would take about 40,000 containers of salt to equal the amount of stars in our galaxy, and the distance from one grain of salt to another would be around 15 miles in open space. That is just our galaxy. I could elaborate further on the vastness of space and how insignificant our little lives are, but I'll save that. I find it funny and ironic that the superclusters of clusters of galaxies in our universe kind of resemble the brain's neurons. The superclusters are like cobwebs that span over 100 million light years and are separated by vast voids.
Just like the shapes of the foods we eat sometimes coincide with the health benefits to particular organs (for example walnuts are shaped like a brain and they help brain function, tomatoes are red and have 4 chambers and are good for the heart), perhaps it is not coincidental that the largest structures observed in the universe resemble neurons.
I searched online to see if anyone had expounded on my theory of dark matter and dark energy actually being consciousness, and came across a paper outlining basically everything I was thinking. He uses no scientific/psychological jargon and poses his thoughts and ideas with little references or experimental evidence, but it is easy for anyone to read and understand. I also find that he has a sort of Taoist undercurrent to the structure of his wording. He seems very into spiritualism and consciousness, as am I. I dig the way this dude thinks.
Here's a link:
http://www.ronritter.com.au/darkenergy.html
Also, here's a video of Dean Radin. I remember seeing this guy in the movie/documentary "What The Bleep? Down the Rabbit Hole". He is a researcher and author in the field of parapsychology and was the former president of the Parapsychological Association. He wrote The Conscious Universe and Entangled minds.
Dean Radin: A Quantum View of the World
(ETA: Here's another video w/ Radin. Very interesting!)
Dean Radin: The Global Consciousness Project
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Sour Boy Pie
I once lifted my eyes
To see a great gap in the sky
There was a place for me
A path so clear and luminous
The ache faded away for a while--that dark and empty hole inside
But now it’s calling me back
And it’s begging to eat up all that was my light
I probably would have come to hate you
You probably would have gotten bored
I probably would have laid beside you, feeling all alone
I probably would have cried in the dark
While you were turned the other way
It wouldn’t have ended well, no not at all
The light was never yours, it was always my own
Reflecting off of you
I couldn’t see through
All the smoke to see you’re just my mirror
You saw just what you wanted to see
I didn’t really see you, all along it was me
Down, you hide
Down, inside
Behind a mask
There’s no need for truth
There’s no need for promises.
There’s no need for reasons why
There’s no need to say goodbye
I probably would have come to hate you
You probably would have gotten bored
I probably would have laid beside you, feeling all alone
I probably would have cried in the dark
While you were turned the other way
It wouldn’t have ended well, no not at all
(You never stole anything of mine
I’ve had my slice of sour boy pie
I’ve got my bottle of wine
The moon and I will be lovers tonight )
To see a great gap in the sky
There was a place for me
A path so clear and luminous
The ache faded away for a while--that dark and empty hole inside
But now it’s calling me back
And it’s begging to eat up all that was my light
I probably would have come to hate you
You probably would have gotten bored
I probably would have laid beside you, feeling all alone
I probably would have cried in the dark
While you were turned the other way
It wouldn’t have ended well, no not at all
The light was never yours, it was always my own
Reflecting off of you
I couldn’t see through
All the smoke to see you’re just my mirror
You saw just what you wanted to see
I didn’t really see you, all along it was me
Down, you hide
Down, inside
Behind a mask
There’s no need for truth
There’s no need for promises.
There’s no need for reasons why
There’s no need to say goodbye
I probably would have come to hate you
You probably would have gotten bored
I probably would have laid beside you, feeling all alone
I probably would have cried in the dark
While you were turned the other way
It wouldn’t have ended well, no not at all
(You never stole anything of mine
I’ve had my slice of sour boy pie
I’ve got my bottle of wine
The moon and I will be lovers tonight )
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Cosmic Whisper
I heard you whisper in my ear a thousand years ago
In a dream
Set in motion
All I had to do was find you
Felt a tugging at my core
And followed will and wind
Rode the spiral to the end
I was wrong again
With billions of galaxies beyond the milky way
How naive to think that my emotions are significant in any way
In the great expanses of space...
But I still can’t see your face.
We’re all so broken
But I’m not as broken as you
The pain is like an old familiar friend
A late-night bed guest
Coming around to climb inside from time to time
After a while, I miss his taste
I learn to like his
icy embrace
He feeds on my tears and
I feed on...
I feed on the rage
With billions of galaxies beyond the milky way
How naive to think that my emotions are significant in any way
In the great expanses of space...
But I still can’t see your face.
Seeking to find a soul similar to my own
Searching for mirrors
Always finding my shadow
No matter how many times I’m spurned
I refuse to build a wall
Red lights are flashing but I walk on through
Barriers are all around but I still go to you
The flag is waving, but I can’t see clearly
Strike me down and make me crumble
I still haven’t learned
With billions of galaxies beyond the milky way
How naive to think that my emotions are significant in any way
In the great expanses of space...
But I still can’t see your face.
In a dream
Set in motion
All I had to do was find you
Felt a tugging at my core
And followed will and wind
Rode the spiral to the end
I was wrong again
With billions of galaxies beyond the milky way
How naive to think that my emotions are significant in any way
In the great expanses of space...
But I still can’t see your face.
We’re all so broken
But I’m not as broken as you
The pain is like an old familiar friend
A late-night bed guest
Coming around to climb inside from time to time
After a while, I miss his taste
I learn to like his
icy embrace
He feeds on my tears and
I feed on...
I feed on the rage
With billions of galaxies beyond the milky way
How naive to think that my emotions are significant in any way
In the great expanses of space...
But I still can’t see your face.
Seeking to find a soul similar to my own
Searching for mirrors
Always finding my shadow
No matter how many times I’m spurned
I refuse to build a wall
Red lights are flashing but I walk on through
Barriers are all around but I still go to you
The flag is waving, but I can’t see clearly
Strike me down and make me crumble
I still haven’t learned
With billions of galaxies beyond the milky way
How naive to think that my emotions are significant in any way
In the great expanses of space...
But I still can’t see your face.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Lyrics Experiment
The Icelandic band Sigur Ros is known for their use of "Vonlenska" in many of their songs, which describes the unintelligible lyrics sung by the band. Although the lyrics are gibberish, I can't help but still hear words that speak to me, personally.
Sometimes the grammar doesn't really even make sense, but in a weird way... it does.
Try listening to the song and see what you can interpret from it. Then, compare it to the "lyrics" that I wrote down here. I'd like to see interpretations other than my own. :)
*These lyrics were my first interpretation of the song... When I hear it now, I can barely hear the "desire" part... not sure what it sounds like now. ("Is I all" ?)
(Untitled) 4 - Sigur Ros
Desire
Is I enough at all?
Desire
Is I enough at all?
Desire
Desire
Is I enough, alone?
Desire
Is I enough, alone?
Desire
Your Soul...
Desire
is I enough at all?
Desire
is I enough alone?
Desire
Is I love, Is I alone, Is I enough at all?
Your soul
Your soul
Ooh
Your soul
You silent missed-
desire
ooh
your soul, be silent now
your soul
your silent
your soul
you silent (moment)
you and only you
your soul, be silent now
your soul
your soul
your soul is all I want
you and only you
your soul
------------------------------------------------
I also interpreted the song IG?R
IG?R - Sigur Ros
Down, you're writhin'
You writhe
Down, you're writhin'
You writhe
Down, you're writhin'
You writhe
Down, you're right, Love
You're right
You silent sound
You're right, you know
You're right
You're I know
Down, you're right, alone
You're right
Down, you're right, Love
You'll run
Down, you're alone
You're all alone
You, you're silent
You're love.
You're right, and down
You're I want
You're all I want
You're all I want
You're all
You're all
You're all I know.
Sometimes the grammar doesn't really even make sense, but in a weird way... it does.
Try listening to the song and see what you can interpret from it. Then, compare it to the "lyrics" that I wrote down here. I'd like to see interpretations other than my own. :)
*These lyrics were my first interpretation of the song... When I hear it now, I can barely hear the "desire" part... not sure what it sounds like now. ("Is I all" ?)
(Untitled) 4 - Sigur Ros
Desire
Is I enough at all?
Desire
Is I enough at all?
Desire
Desire
Is I enough, alone?
Desire
Is I enough, alone?
Desire
Your Soul...
Desire
is I enough at all?
Desire
is I enough alone?
Desire
Is I love, Is I alone, Is I enough at all?
Your soul
Your soul
Ooh
Your soul
You silent missed-
desire
ooh
your soul, be silent now
your soul
your silent
your soul
you silent (moment)
you and only you
your soul, be silent now
your soul
your soul
your soul is all I want
you and only you
your soul
------------------------------------------------
I also interpreted the song IG?R
IG?R - Sigur Ros
Down, you're writhin'
You writhe
Down, you're writhin'
You writhe
Down, you're writhin'
You writhe
Down, you're right, Love
You're right
You silent sound
You're right, you know
You're right
You're I know
Down, you're right, alone
You're right
Down, you're right, Love
You'll run
Down, you're alone
You're all alone
You, you're silent
You're love.
You're right, and down
You're I want
You're all I want
You're all I want
You're all
You're all
You're all I know.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The Journey
The weekend of Halloween, my best friend Rachel and I decided to go on a little "journey", with the help of some friends of ours who happened to be mushrooms.
I had never done mushrooms before, so I wasn't sure what to expect, but I found that I felt more myself than ever. I normally tend to see the flow of everything and the interconnectedness of everything and all energy anyway. I seem to sense things and see things in ways that many other people normally aren't cognizant of in their every day lives. During my trip, there were many moments of profundity and sage-like postulations about the universe etc., which is quite common to the conversations Rachel and I normally have. We were definitely more connected--directly connected--and on the same wavelength. Completely comfortable... the same person almost. I was aware of everything and had no doubts about anything. I just knew. I didn't think, I knew. It's as if the Universe opened up to me, and I could see everything through that crack in the sky. I could see a clear path, which pointed straight to my purpose and direction. I knew exactly what I wanted, from simple moment-to-moment things to bigger, long-term things. There was also a childlike, simplistic view of the world. It was kind of pure and everything flowed with no worries, no pain... just happy, wide-eyed wonderment.
It was quite hilarious because since it was cold that night, we were both walking around with blankets draped over our shoulders, which enhanced our feeling like little gurus while we were talking about deep subjects.
I find myself now with a sense of longing. I am craving something (and I don't know what), but it's not food or drink or material possessions. I felt so close to something so much bigger than my everyday self, and now it's just sort of fading away.
It's hard to really explain some of the things that I saw and felt and knew as truths. One of the things that happened was a sort of revelation while listening to the live version of "Pushit" by Tool, off of the Salival album. I experienced something kind of interesting. It's hard to explain, but I want you to try to feel what I'm saying, not just hear it. It's kind of important to know when listening to those lyrics that Maynard was sexually abused by his step-father when he was about 11. As I was lying there just immersing myself in the song, I felt what he felt. I was there in that dark place. HIS dark place (it wasn't my own anymore). I felt hate, anger, rage, power, disgust, sickness, pain and shame. I was both him and his step-father. Then, I realized I WAS that dark place. I was the darkness and the light. I was the hand that caressed him when he crawled inside that dark hole to hide.... The hand that clasped his in comfort. I was the hand, and I was everything...everywhere...and I saw all. The universe opened up to me. Everything culminated and condensed down to one thing. This one thing was symbolic, and what I saw was (him?)... shrinking down to a fetal position and this image of a fetus is where everything ended (and began). When I tried telling Rachel about some of this, she told me that what she saw BEGAN with the image in the fetal position. I thought that was pretty interesting. Kinda cool. It's really hard to explain it all through language. Language seems so meaningless.
I had never done mushrooms before, so I wasn't sure what to expect, but I found that I felt more myself than ever. I normally tend to see the flow of everything and the interconnectedness of everything and all energy anyway. I seem to sense things and see things in ways that many other people normally aren't cognizant of in their every day lives. During my trip, there were many moments of profundity and sage-like postulations about the universe etc., which is quite common to the conversations Rachel and I normally have. We were definitely more connected--directly connected--and on the same wavelength. Completely comfortable... the same person almost. I was aware of everything and had no doubts about anything. I just knew. I didn't think, I knew. It's as if the Universe opened up to me, and I could see everything through that crack in the sky. I could see a clear path, which pointed straight to my purpose and direction. I knew exactly what I wanted, from simple moment-to-moment things to bigger, long-term things. There was also a childlike, simplistic view of the world. It was kind of pure and everything flowed with no worries, no pain... just happy, wide-eyed wonderment.
It was quite hilarious because since it was cold that night, we were both walking around with blankets draped over our shoulders, which enhanced our feeling like little gurus while we were talking about deep subjects.
I find myself now with a sense of longing. I am craving something (and I don't know what), but it's not food or drink or material possessions. I felt so close to something so much bigger than my everyday self, and now it's just sort of fading away.
It's hard to really explain some of the things that I saw and felt and knew as truths. One of the things that happened was a sort of revelation while listening to the live version of "Pushit" by Tool, off of the Salival album. I experienced something kind of interesting. It's hard to explain, but I want you to try to feel what I'm saying, not just hear it. It's kind of important to know when listening to those lyrics that Maynard was sexually abused by his step-father when he was about 11. As I was lying there just immersing myself in the song, I felt what he felt. I was there in that dark place. HIS dark place (it wasn't my own anymore). I felt hate, anger, rage, power, disgust, sickness, pain and shame. I was both him and his step-father. Then, I realized I WAS that dark place. I was the darkness and the light. I was the hand that caressed him when he crawled inside that dark hole to hide.... The hand that clasped his in comfort. I was the hand, and I was everything...everywhere...and I saw all. The universe opened up to me. Everything culminated and condensed down to one thing. This one thing was symbolic, and what I saw was (him?)... shrinking down to a fetal position and this image of a fetus is where everything ended (and began). When I tried telling Rachel about some of this, she told me that what she saw BEGAN with the image in the fetal position. I thought that was pretty interesting. Kinda cool. It's really hard to explain it all through language. Language seems so meaningless.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Empathic Moment
Yesterday I had a cool and sort of validating experience with being empathic. I never considered myself to be an empath or anything, and I don't really know how to turn my subtle senses on and off. I think everyone has psychic abilities, though. Anyway, I was at a concert with my best friend and I was pretty sleep-deprived and felt as though I was functioning on a different plane of existence than everyone else.
Not even looking at her, I turn to her and say in her ear, "I know what you're thinking". She just started grinning when I said that, and she didn't even have to ask "oh, really? or "what's that?" because she knew what I was talking about. It was only for a moment...out of nowhere, I actually *felt* what she was feeling and I just knew what she was thinking at that moment. It was like an a.d.d. moment on her part during the show, so it's not like she was dwelling on it all night. It was weird. I guess it's hard to explain the intensity of it, but it definitely shook both of us. There's something strange about her and I. It's like when we are together, something strange happens to the universe. I don't even think it's possible that anyone else has that kind of connection with anyone else. I mean, we actually see the same ominous faces and distorted scenarios in bed sheet prints and patterns. Haha.
Not even looking at her, I turn to her and say in her ear, "I know what you're thinking". She just started grinning when I said that, and she didn't even have to ask "oh, really? or "what's that?" because she knew what I was talking about. It was only for a moment...out of nowhere, I actually *felt* what she was feeling and I just knew what she was thinking at that moment. It was like an a.d.d. moment on her part during the show, so it's not like she was dwelling on it all night. It was weird. I guess it's hard to explain the intensity of it, but it definitely shook both of us. There's something strange about her and I. It's like when we are together, something strange happens to the universe. I don't even think it's possible that anyone else has that kind of connection with anyone else. I mean, we actually see the same ominous faces and distorted scenarios in bed sheet prints and patterns. Haha.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Technology and the Buddha
I find myself perplexed by something….
With the exponential rate at which technology is advancing, we find ourselves facing the possibility that one day, computers will most certainly exceed human intelligence and there will be a technological-evolutionary jump called the Singularity, where humans transcend biology and become one with computers. The line between humanity and technology will be blurred, and the soul and the silicon chip will unite. Sounds like science fiction, right? Well, if you think about the fact that we're already developing mechanical organs and limbs, as well as blood cell-size submarines called nanobots to be sent into the body on vital health missions, it doesn't seem so far-fetched. We will be able to place ourselves in virtual reality environments and control the movements of these nanobots as if we were inside, seeing out of the eyes of these tiny robots. Just like soldiers today remotely control intelligent weapons systems.
Anyway, these advancements in technology will make it so that we will never have to suffer from disease or ever die (provided we take well enough care of ourselves now, since it's easier to maintain perfect health than reverse disease and damage).
Now, here's the dilemma. Buddhism teaches us that everything that is born is subsequently certain to die. Death can be a teacher. Only when we face the mortality of ourselves and our loved ones can we be free from the fear of death and learn the lessons it has to teach us about life.
My question is this…
If we use science to our advantage and come to the point where death is no longer an issue, are we demeaning the Buddha? Will we be missing one of life's greatest lessons? What will happen to our consciousness if we keep living the same existence?
An excerpt, and one of my favorite lines, from Robert Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance says…
"The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean the Buddha—which is to demean oneself."
So is science bringing us closer to the Buddha or further away? If science IS the Buddha, and so are we… does conquering death bring us to a higher level of consciousness?? Or is it our own vanity that will lead us to destroying ourselves? Will we devolve and become less conscious by never having to fear death?
This vanity—keeping ourselves alive while everything around us dies…seems to throw a wrench in our cyclic existence of birth, ageing and death. Even if we choose to have our pets live forever, too… this is still selective and vain. We are playing God.
Will some of us become Technological Age Hippies?
With the exponential rate at which technology is advancing, we find ourselves facing the possibility that one day, computers will most certainly exceed human intelligence and there will be a technological-evolutionary jump called the Singularity, where humans transcend biology and become one with computers. The line between humanity and technology will be blurred, and the soul and the silicon chip will unite. Sounds like science fiction, right? Well, if you think about the fact that we're already developing mechanical organs and limbs, as well as blood cell-size submarines called nanobots to be sent into the body on vital health missions, it doesn't seem so far-fetched. We will be able to place ourselves in virtual reality environments and control the movements of these nanobots as if we were inside, seeing out of the eyes of these tiny robots. Just like soldiers today remotely control intelligent weapons systems.
Anyway, these advancements in technology will make it so that we will never have to suffer from disease or ever die (provided we take well enough care of ourselves now, since it's easier to maintain perfect health than reverse disease and damage).
Now, here's the dilemma. Buddhism teaches us that everything that is born is subsequently certain to die. Death can be a teacher. Only when we face the mortality of ourselves and our loved ones can we be free from the fear of death and learn the lessons it has to teach us about life.
My question is this…
If we use science to our advantage and come to the point where death is no longer an issue, are we demeaning the Buddha? Will we be missing one of life's greatest lessons? What will happen to our consciousness if we keep living the same existence?
An excerpt, and one of my favorite lines, from Robert Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance says…
"The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean the Buddha—which is to demean oneself."
So is science bringing us closer to the Buddha or further away? If science IS the Buddha, and so are we… does conquering death bring us to a higher level of consciousness?? Or is it our own vanity that will lead us to destroying ourselves? Will we devolve and become less conscious by never having to fear death?
This vanity—keeping ourselves alive while everything around us dies…seems to throw a wrench in our cyclic existence of birth, ageing and death. Even if we choose to have our pets live forever, too… this is still selective and vain. We are playing God.
Will some of us become Technological Age Hippies?
Friday, June 19, 2009
kinda weird
Last week I had a dream that a drunk pregnant woman was careening down a neighborhood street in a dark (blue or black) pickup truck and crashed into a house, then got out and went into the house next door.
I didn't think much of it, but on the news this morning, there was a report of a drunk woman in St. Pete who was driving drunk into oncoming traffic with her 5 month old child in the car and crashed into a nissan and a blue pickup truck, then crashed into the house of the man who owned the pickup truck. They showed a picture of the pickup truck and the house and it looked oddly familiar.
My dream wasn't exactly right, but still pretty close. I should be paying more attention to my dreams...
I didn't think much of it, but on the news this morning, there was a report of a drunk woman in St. Pete who was driving drunk into oncoming traffic with her 5 month old child in the car and crashed into a nissan and a blue pickup truck, then crashed into the house of the man who owned the pickup truck. They showed a picture of the pickup truck and the house and it looked oddly familiar.
My dream wasn't exactly right, but still pretty close. I should be paying more attention to my dreams...
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Precognitive dream?
I've had many precognitive dreams. Some have been scarily accurate premonitions, and others have had precognitive elements. Some of them are too personal to even share on a blog. This one that I'm going to share is one that had precognitive aspects and strong emotions.
This is a weird, possibly precognitive dream that I had almost a year ago before I moved into a new place. I actually hadn’t been on the premises yet and hadn’t met the landlord or my neighbors prior to having this dream.
In the dream, the landlord was a woman. Once arriving at the house, she told us that there was a ghost named “Sarah” who lived there, and sometimes you can hear her moving around upstairs. There was a pond in my bedroom (with lily pads) and the house was 2 stories (in reality, there‘s no second floor).
My mother was there, and so was my grandfather and another man (who was apparently a medium). I’m pretty sure the land lady was still there, but her presence was irrelevant. I saw a little girl, maybe between the ages of 6 and 8. She was very cute and smiley. I asked her to “come here”. I told her I wanted to ask her a favor.
“Please don’t scare me”, I said. “Go to bed at night and play upstairs during the day.”
I was holding her little hand in both of mine as I was saying this. She ran away and no one saw her except one other person (the medium). My grandpa said he saw something as she ran off (he said the word “transported”).
A week or so later, I was moving into the new house. Ron, my next door neighbor, and his wife seemed very familiar to me. He’s a nice man, probably about 70 years old. For the first week or two, he spent some time doing work on the house for the land lord, and he came by on my birthday when I had some family over. My grandpa and my mom were there. We were talking in the kitchen and Ron asked whose birthday it was. He commented that his birthday was also in October, and that his daughter’s birthday would have been in October, too. She would have been in her 30’s now, but she died when she was 8. She drowned on a raft in a lake, and her older brother survived. He tried to help her, but couldn’t, and years later, he killed himself because of the guilt.
It didn’t hit me at first, but I thought about the dream with the ghost of the little girl and the pond with lily pads in my room and wondered if her name was Sarah. My window of opportunity to ask her name passed, and I never felt I could bring it up again to ask him. But I have a strong feeling that it was.
The dream had a lot of emotion in it and it stuck with me for a long time. I still think of it often, and when I hear creaking coming from the roof in my bedroom, I just figure it’s squirrels or raccoons up there. I’ve never felt any negative energies in the house.
This is a weird, possibly precognitive dream that I had almost a year ago before I moved into a new place. I actually hadn’t been on the premises yet and hadn’t met the landlord or my neighbors prior to having this dream.
In the dream, the landlord was a woman. Once arriving at the house, she told us that there was a ghost named “Sarah” who lived there, and sometimes you can hear her moving around upstairs. There was a pond in my bedroom (with lily pads) and the house was 2 stories (in reality, there‘s no second floor).
My mother was there, and so was my grandfather and another man (who was apparently a medium). I’m pretty sure the land lady was still there, but her presence was irrelevant. I saw a little girl, maybe between the ages of 6 and 8. She was very cute and smiley. I asked her to “come here”. I told her I wanted to ask her a favor.
“Please don’t scare me”, I said. “Go to bed at night and play upstairs during the day.”
I was holding her little hand in both of mine as I was saying this. She ran away and no one saw her except one other person (the medium). My grandpa said he saw something as she ran off (he said the word “transported”).
A week or so later, I was moving into the new house. Ron, my next door neighbor, and his wife seemed very familiar to me. He’s a nice man, probably about 70 years old. For the first week or two, he spent some time doing work on the house for the land lord, and he came by on my birthday when I had some family over. My grandpa and my mom were there. We were talking in the kitchen and Ron asked whose birthday it was. He commented that his birthday was also in October, and that his daughter’s birthday would have been in October, too. She would have been in her 30’s now, but she died when she was 8. She drowned on a raft in a lake, and her older brother survived. He tried to help her, but couldn’t, and years later, he killed himself because of the guilt.
It didn’t hit me at first, but I thought about the dream with the ghost of the little girl and the pond with lily pads in my room and wondered if her name was Sarah. My window of opportunity to ask her name passed, and I never felt I could bring it up again to ask him. But I have a strong feeling that it was.
The dream had a lot of emotion in it and it stuck with me for a long time. I still think of it often, and when I hear creaking coming from the roof in my bedroom, I just figure it’s squirrels or raccoons up there. I’ve never felt any negative energies in the house.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Vision Part II
The following vision is something I experienced a few weeks after the preceding one (Vision part I: here), and sort of corresponds with the first.
It was deeply impacting and nearly indescribable with language, as it was an intense personal experience.
It took place in the same setting again, with the shield of water, a castle on the shore and an island with forests. Again, I saw the man standing on the island. I went up to the castle and wanted to ask the man in the purple robe who that was. When I went to ask him, he put his finger to his lips and said, "Ssh."
I followed the spiral stairs down the tower again, stopping to look out of a small window at the blue sky and bright white clouds, then continued on down the stairs and back out to the island. I sat at the sandy shore on the island with my knees to my chest. Someone was sitting next to me.
"Are you Jesus?", I asked. "Are you my Animus? My higher self? Who are you?"
We sat in silence for a few moments. Then, without words, he took my hand. The sound of a trumpet blowing in the distance filled the air. Then there was beautiful music, and we began dancing. He swirled me about and just danced with me. No words needed to be said. The music was enchanting and I heard the sound of rushing water. (We were either wearing white or surrounded by bright white light.) The experience was so pure and beautiful, I felt a heavy aching that gripped my core and I started crying (and I was actually crying as I was meditating, trembling and tears rolling down my cheeks).
I told him I was sorry, and that I didn't know why I was crying. I felt very emotional. He said God loves all of his children. He let me know that I need to learn to love myself. And the last line I remember before coming out of my meditative state were the words, "Don't forget who you really are".
It was deeply impacting and nearly indescribable with language, as it was an intense personal experience.
It took place in the same setting again, with the shield of water, a castle on the shore and an island with forests. Again, I saw the man standing on the island. I went up to the castle and wanted to ask the man in the purple robe who that was. When I went to ask him, he put his finger to his lips and said, "Ssh."
I followed the spiral stairs down the tower again, stopping to look out of a small window at the blue sky and bright white clouds, then continued on down the stairs and back out to the island. I sat at the sandy shore on the island with my knees to my chest. Someone was sitting next to me.
"Are you Jesus?", I asked. "Are you my Animus? My higher self? Who are you?"
We sat in silence for a few moments. Then, without words, he took my hand. The sound of a trumpet blowing in the distance filled the air. Then there was beautiful music, and we began dancing. He swirled me about and just danced with me. No words needed to be said. The music was enchanting and I heard the sound of rushing water. (We were either wearing white or surrounded by bright white light.) The experience was so pure and beautiful, I felt a heavy aching that gripped my core and I started crying (and I was actually crying as I was meditating, trembling and tears rolling down my cheeks).
I told him I was sorry, and that I didn't know why I was crying. I felt very emotional. He said God loves all of his children. He let me know that I need to learn to love myself. And the last line I remember before coming out of my meditative state were the words, "Don't forget who you really are".
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Vision (Part I)
About a week ago, I had a vision while meditating. It could be a vision from a past-life, or possibly just a personal message for me to use in my current life. Make of it what you will. It kind of gave me an idea of why I'm magnetized toward certain things and people in this lifetime.
I had just finished working out and I sat down to meditate. After slipping into a heavy meditative state, I found myself on a rock in the middle of a vast and endless body of water, encapsulated by a wall of rushing water surrounding me (like a bubble). The water died down and I could see an island across the water with forests. Standing alone on the island was a man with long dark hair. It looked like he was wearing light-colored cloth. I felt as if I needed to get to him, but as soon as I started having those feelings, my attention was drawn down to the ground where I saw a snake going after a mouse. I picked up the little white mouse and held it in my hand, saving him from the snake. From there, I proceeded toward a castle on the water’s edge. I went up a winding staircase and down to the end of a hall, where I encountered a man in a purple robe. He led me into a room at the end of the hall and to the right. He led me into a room with walls lined with books. He warned me not to take anything I see to heart and to just let it flow through me, without getting scared or excited, and see things for what they are, not what I want them to be. I agreed, and I was suddenly standing in sand. I looked up behind me and saw an Egyptian statue engraved on the front wall of a temple-like structure. It was some sort of animal that resembled a cat and there was something purple on its neck. I walked through the entrance and once inside, I saw a small tree with some kind of red fruit or berries on it. There was a room ahead of me, and when I went inside, there was a mirror on the wall. I walked in front of it and I could see my image. It was difficult to focus on, but I had long dark hair and I was wearing red see-through garments with harem pants, like belly dancers wear. I walked back out, and in the back courtyard area, there was a fireplace. I could hear the sound of drums and I got the distinct feeling that I must have been some kind of entertainer. I not only heard the drums, but I FELT them. I felt the man’s hands as they passionately drummed a rhythm that my hips would quaver to. A sound of pure beauty that gripped my core and radiated back out of me. Many would watch me, but only one would watch me with such lustful eyes… the man whose hands made me shiver in dance. Even in a crowd of cheering and applause, he is the only one I saw. I was dancing just for him. I felt these feelings very intensely in my vision, then I saw flashes of images. A large, white-haired man with a round face almost resembling Santa Claus was screaming in my face. He was pointing and yelling at the man (my lover). My secret affair with this musician was something shameful and wrong. I saw a flash of another scene where I was visiting my lover, who was imprisoned. He had been beaten and I had to escape and run away. I realized that this man was possibly the dark-haired man that I saw across the water on the island, and I have a feeling that if any of this really means anything, it could be the reason why I have a fondness for musicians in this present lifetime. Also, I think I was rather famous for my entertaining, so perhaps that is why I have a strong desire to entertain or be appreciated/famous. I get very uncomfortable with loud confrontations, too. A friend of mine also pointed out to me that the mouse I stopped to pick up could symbolize stopping to help something seemingly insignificant along my life’s journey. (Maybe helping to save humanity from the evil "serpent".)
Vision Part II: Click Here
I had just finished working out and I sat down to meditate. After slipping into a heavy meditative state, I found myself on a rock in the middle of a vast and endless body of water, encapsulated by a wall of rushing water surrounding me (like a bubble). The water died down and I could see an island across the water with forests. Standing alone on the island was a man with long dark hair. It looked like he was wearing light-colored cloth. I felt as if I needed to get to him, but as soon as I started having those feelings, my attention was drawn down to the ground where I saw a snake going after a mouse. I picked up the little white mouse and held it in my hand, saving him from the snake. From there, I proceeded toward a castle on the water’s edge. I went up a winding staircase and down to the end of a hall, where I encountered a man in a purple robe. He led me into a room at the end of the hall and to the right. He led me into a room with walls lined with books. He warned me not to take anything I see to heart and to just let it flow through me, without getting scared or excited, and see things for what they are, not what I want them to be. I agreed, and I was suddenly standing in sand. I looked up behind me and saw an Egyptian statue engraved on the front wall of a temple-like structure. It was some sort of animal that resembled a cat and there was something purple on its neck. I walked through the entrance and once inside, I saw a small tree with some kind of red fruit or berries on it. There was a room ahead of me, and when I went inside, there was a mirror on the wall. I walked in front of it and I could see my image. It was difficult to focus on, but I had long dark hair and I was wearing red see-through garments with harem pants, like belly dancers wear. I walked back out, and in the back courtyard area, there was a fireplace. I could hear the sound of drums and I got the distinct feeling that I must have been some kind of entertainer. I not only heard the drums, but I FELT them. I felt the man’s hands as they passionately drummed a rhythm that my hips would quaver to. A sound of pure beauty that gripped my core and radiated back out of me. Many would watch me, but only one would watch me with such lustful eyes… the man whose hands made me shiver in dance. Even in a crowd of cheering and applause, he is the only one I saw. I was dancing just for him. I felt these feelings very intensely in my vision, then I saw flashes of images. A large, white-haired man with a round face almost resembling Santa Claus was screaming in my face. He was pointing and yelling at the man (my lover). My secret affair with this musician was something shameful and wrong. I saw a flash of another scene where I was visiting my lover, who was imprisoned. He had been beaten and I had to escape and run away. I realized that this man was possibly the dark-haired man that I saw across the water on the island, and I have a feeling that if any of this really means anything, it could be the reason why I have a fondness for musicians in this present lifetime. Also, I think I was rather famous for my entertaining, so perhaps that is why I have a strong desire to entertain or be appreciated/famous. I get very uncomfortable with loud confrontations, too. A friend of mine also pointed out to me that the mouse I stopped to pick up could symbolize stopping to help something seemingly insignificant along my life’s journey. (Maybe helping to save humanity from the evil "serpent".)
Vision Part II: Click Here
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
After the Frost
After the Frost
Dark, hollow silence
There’s nothing left to feel
Digging down into the depths
Hitting steel
Waiting for a meaningful thought
Aching for desire
Nothing coming in, nothing going out
Toss the empty cauldron to the pyre
The eidolons are swarming
And waiting at the gate
The clock is ticking
Motionless
The time has come, don’t hesitate
I’ll want you until you love me
There’s something wrong beneath these eyes
I’ll search for you until you find me
Then I’ll run and hide
I’ll be the longing lustful devil’s breath
That whispers in your scarlet dreams
Wrapped in velvet mystery, spinning--
I could be anything
Until you know my secret skin
I take such care to hide within
You look into my soul, forgiving
My damaged heart--it’s not worth saving
Leave your footprints at my door
I sweep away the dust
I’ll break your heart too many times
Recover me, after the frost
-Nicole Tancredi 2/3/09
Dark, hollow silence
There’s nothing left to feel
Digging down into the depths
Hitting steel
Waiting for a meaningful thought
Aching for desire
Nothing coming in, nothing going out
Toss the empty cauldron to the pyre
The eidolons are swarming
And waiting at the gate
The clock is ticking
Motionless
The time has come, don’t hesitate
I’ll want you until you love me
There’s something wrong beneath these eyes
I’ll search for you until you find me
Then I’ll run and hide
I’ll be the longing lustful devil’s breath
That whispers in your scarlet dreams
Wrapped in velvet mystery, spinning--
I could be anything
Until you know my secret skin
I take such care to hide within
You look into my soul, forgiving
My damaged heart--it’s not worth saving
Leave your footprints at my door
I sweep away the dust
I’ll break your heart too many times
Recover me, after the frost
-Nicole Tancredi 2/3/09
Monday, February 2, 2009
Had another strange dream last night...
I was in a strange house with a lot of rooms...kind of maze-like. The outside looked like some kind of country club. I opened a door to a room and a young Joe Strummer had his pants down and I think he was on the phone. I quickly shut the door, and as I was going down the hallway, he came out after me and he was saying, "you know I love my wife, right?" but he acted like he wanted me. In another room, I was standing behind a young Hunter S. Thompson and he was fumbling around looking for something near the floor and he was humming the tune "Bom ba ba bom ba bom ba bom bom ba ba bom ba ba bom ba ba dang a dang dang" from Blue Moon.
I was in a strange house with a lot of rooms...kind of maze-like. The outside looked like some kind of country club. I opened a door to a room and a young Joe Strummer had his pants down and I think he was on the phone. I quickly shut the door, and as I was going down the hallway, he came out after me and he was saying, "you know I love my wife, right?" but he acted like he wanted me. In another room, I was standing behind a young Hunter S. Thompson and he was fumbling around looking for something near the floor and he was humming the tune "Bom ba ba bom ba bom ba bom bom ba ba bom ba ba bom ba ba dang a dang dang" from Blue Moon.
Monday, January 12, 2009
We’re all a little damaged, aren’t we?
One of the life lessons I think I've always had trouble with was not letting a relationship consume me. Whenever I fell in love with someone, my dreams and aspirations would go on the back-burner. I think life attracts us to similar situations over and over again, like a magnet, until we learn the lesson that we are supposed to learn and grow as a soul. With some of us, the lesson lies in matters of the heart (or perhaps that's the avenue that is best to reach us through), and with others it might be getting along with certain personalities of co-workers and learning what it is that is blocking us from understanding one another.
I've realized that I seem to gravitate toward others who seem to be “damaged” in some way or another. These particular souls attract me over and over again, and I think that it’s my own shadow that I am projecting onto others in an attempt to alleviate my own damages. (And by Shadow, I mean the archetype in Jungian psychology that represents all that is repressed, denied and undeveloped in our subconscious mind.) Until I love myself as a complete individual, not needing completion from anyone or anything, I will probably still be attracted to the darkness in others until I fix the darkness in myself. If I focus on the good in myself and in my life, maybe I will attract people with those qualities into my life instead of encountering doubt, fear and insecurity.
I have a feeling that my soul has been around for a long time, and I have an overwhelming feeling that this time around, I want to get it RIGHT, but maybe there is nothing to get “right”. Perhaps I need to stop dwelling on my old soul and why it is here and relish the fact that I AM young and alive. That my soul is fresh with opportunity, to learn new things, to love other people and to BE HERE NOW.
Souls have no age or gender. Energy cannot be quantified by a number, nor identified by a name. Energy has no timeline… it is eternal. WE are eternal.
I used to believe that everyone has one soul mate--a person whom they are destined to be with--but I have since reconsidered my theories regarding that concept. I think that we have MANY soul mates. Soul mates from past lives, soul mates from future lives, and many souls in this lifetime that teach us important lessons in our present physical lifetime. We may come in contact with these souls over and over again. Every relationship is a soul-growth experience. In our physical existence, with a lifespan of 80 or 90 years if we’re lucky, are we really supposed to confine ourselves to one other soul? Are we SUPPOSED to be monogamous? We certainly aren’t penguins that mate for life. For the same reason pandas don’t mate in captivity and we don’t find our family members sexually desirable, if we spend 10, 20, 30 or more years with a significant other, don’t they just become family and not so desirable anymore? No one wants to die alone and lonely, so is it our fear of death that makes us want to find someone “permanent and stable”?
I think that we should not confine ourselves to one other, but try to love as many people as possible while we are here on this earth. We have the opportunity to learn a life lesson from every experience, and guess what? We’re writing the curriculum. Life does not throw lessons into our lap. We weave our own lessons to be learned through our own choices, and it is also our choice whether or not we actually learn anything from them.
Don’t ever be afraid of falling in love. It is wonderful. Just feel it. Let it flow through you and just let it happen. Even if it doesn’t work out or nothing comes of it, don’t deny yourself the feeling of falling in love. That’s why we are all here, really. To love one another. To love as many other souls as possible.
Love unabashedly.
Love recklessly, even.
It’s the most important thing we can share as human beings. Every time we fall in love, we learn something new about ourselves.
We should stop defining ourselves by our age, what we wear and what we look like. None of that matters. We should just learn how to BE HERE NOW. In the moment. That is all that matters. To feel the warmth of another person’s cheek pressed up against our own. Don’t think about forever. Don’t dwell on the past or spend too much time contemplating the future. The present is so precious. Just be here now.
I've realized that I seem to gravitate toward others who seem to be “damaged” in some way or another. These particular souls attract me over and over again, and I think that it’s my own shadow that I am projecting onto others in an attempt to alleviate my own damages. (And by Shadow, I mean the archetype in Jungian psychology that represents all that is repressed, denied and undeveloped in our subconscious mind.) Until I love myself as a complete individual, not needing completion from anyone or anything, I will probably still be attracted to the darkness in others until I fix the darkness in myself. If I focus on the good in myself and in my life, maybe I will attract people with those qualities into my life instead of encountering doubt, fear and insecurity.
I have a feeling that my soul has been around for a long time, and I have an overwhelming feeling that this time around, I want to get it RIGHT, but maybe there is nothing to get “right”. Perhaps I need to stop dwelling on my old soul and why it is here and relish the fact that I AM young and alive. That my soul is fresh with opportunity, to learn new things, to love other people and to BE HERE NOW.
Souls have no age or gender. Energy cannot be quantified by a number, nor identified by a name. Energy has no timeline… it is eternal. WE are eternal.
I used to believe that everyone has one soul mate--a person whom they are destined to be with--but I have since reconsidered my theories regarding that concept. I think that we have MANY soul mates. Soul mates from past lives, soul mates from future lives, and many souls in this lifetime that teach us important lessons in our present physical lifetime. We may come in contact with these souls over and over again. Every relationship is a soul-growth experience. In our physical existence, with a lifespan of 80 or 90 years if we’re lucky, are we really supposed to confine ourselves to one other soul? Are we SUPPOSED to be monogamous? We certainly aren’t penguins that mate for life. For the same reason pandas don’t mate in captivity and we don’t find our family members sexually desirable, if we spend 10, 20, 30 or more years with a significant other, don’t they just become family and not so desirable anymore? No one wants to die alone and lonely, so is it our fear of death that makes us want to find someone “permanent and stable”?
I think that we should not confine ourselves to one other, but try to love as many people as possible while we are here on this earth. We have the opportunity to learn a life lesson from every experience, and guess what? We’re writing the curriculum. Life does not throw lessons into our lap. We weave our own lessons to be learned through our own choices, and it is also our choice whether or not we actually learn anything from them.
Don’t ever be afraid of falling in love. It is wonderful. Just feel it. Let it flow through you and just let it happen. Even if it doesn’t work out or nothing comes of it, don’t deny yourself the feeling of falling in love. That’s why we are all here, really. To love one another. To love as many other souls as possible.
Love unabashedly.
Love recklessly, even.
It’s the most important thing we can share as human beings. Every time we fall in love, we learn something new about ourselves.
We should stop defining ourselves by our age, what we wear and what we look like. None of that matters. We should just learn how to BE HERE NOW. In the moment. That is all that matters. To feel the warmth of another person’s cheek pressed up against our own. Don’t think about forever. Don’t dwell on the past or spend too much time contemplating the future. The present is so precious. Just be here now.
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