"I must give, so that I can live..."

I've lost quite a few "friends" and acquaintances since I've come back to my Catholic faith (which is expected), but some may have also passed judgment on me after noticing I'm not perfect or a beacon of holiness, which I still strive for but often fail at. 

No, I am not perfect. But no one is. One thing I am is honest, though. And when I fail or walk towards error, I am quick to try and correct my path.

Are we truly living as if God is inside us? Are we loving others as He loves us? Are we obeying His commandments? Do we extend God's light outward from within us? Do we invite sinners to our table and embrace them, forgive them, and share with them the truth of God's love? Or do we reject them? Are we living in a bubble of "delulu" sinlessness? Are we using our gifts to help HEAL others and bring others into relationship with God?

Each of our spiritual paths is a unique journey of struggles and strides and setbacks. And let me tell you... No matter how many times I fall, I will always get back up. (Thanks to Father Mike Schmitz for teaching me about "Nunc Coepi"!) With cheeks dirty from mascara-muddied tears, I will come back to Jesus as many times as it takes. Every day I get to choose Him again and again. 

Satan wants to tell me that it's hopeless and that I'll always be a wh*re and that I'll never change. That my life is empty and that I'm not good enough. That I'm broken beyond repair. I reject this with every fiber of my being. 

When it comes to being an image of holiness or sainthood, do not look to me for that. But can you look to me to assure you of God's love for you? Yes, indeed. Can you look to me to accept you and to love you? You sure can. I may not be good at loving myself all the time, but I’m better at it than I used to be. Jesus gives me my strength. I trust in His mercy, and I can openly receive God’s love. And I can GIVE love. I am good at that! I must give...

(Also, if you know what song my title's lyrics are from... 👍) ;-)

TZADIKA

Today's scripture reading reminds me that Jesus has already promised what I've always wanted in the deepest part of my heart. To have a kind of love where someone is so deeply within me, and I within them. 

Jesus is the vine. "Abide in me, and I in you", he says. 

I have to ask myself... am I living as though Jesus is within me? Are my actions an extension of him residing within me? Am I befriending sinners and helping them to draw near to God? Am I spreading the word of God? Am I serving the poor? Am I healing others?

I have been asking amiss. In prayer, I have not sought to be like Christ before asking the Lord to answer my prayers. My heart is not like His. Not truly. I was still being selfish and clinging onto things that I just didn't want to let go of. I know that trust requires me to stop clinging and to fully surrender. In this way only can I glorify him and become a tzaddik (tzadik/tzadika - female/tzaddiq or saddiq in Aramaic). 

Tzadik - Wikipedia

I am still unraveling the mystery He revealed to me during Holy Week when he spoke directly to my heart and he is leading me down a distinct narrow path, but darkness abounds. I have been dealing with spiritual attacks for the past few weeks (the weeks following Holy Week). I'm not surprised that the evil one would want to come after me hard following the consolations during Holy Week. This confirms even more to me that I was drawing nearer to Him.

Last week I was very distressed, and talking to my ex (who was a minister) made things a little worse. I was feeling as if God used me as an instrument to bring others back to him, only to leave me in the dust. But this is not true. I rebuke this. I was upset that someone, who destroyed my heart in so many ways, is now praying for ME and telling me I am not following Christ's words. It was probably a truth I just wasn't willing to hear in that moment. I, in fact, was not following what was clearly and plainly laid out in scripture. I wasn't really following the equation, and I was wondering why my "result" wasn't equating with what I thought I was putting in.

It was me, not him. I was in a bad place. A negative place and with a spirit of fear which was not given by God. It's not his fault. He has learned and grown a lot.

God had to break him. Unfortunately, it was painful for me as well and I was present with him during the time before he surrendered to God again. God's grander plan required me to play a part in his story as much as he is playing a part in mine. I do not blame him. I give love fully to him and I support his new rising ministry. 

Please pray for me and help me to renounce these evil spirits, as I know I have work to do here while I'm on this Earth.

Love, and truly IN CHRIST,

Nicole

Me Singing Ave Maria in Latin with Rain Sounds

https://youtu.be/bS1D86X_KAk?si=92Ce27Mrs-LDiBNV

Here it is! A video of me singing Ave Maria in Latin with rain sounds in the background (for 12 1/2 minutes).

This is a Unicorn thing. I never sing out loud in front of people (not since I was little). This is my first time using this microphone and I don't have much of a set-up, but hopefully I'll get better at putting things like this together and making it good quality. Especially if I do ASMR.

My voice went wonky a couple times, lol... but it's okay. It's the Hail Mary Prayer! I also sing more softly at the end and the last minute or so is just rain.

Something happened to me in my life at some point where I stopped singing. I stopped dancing. I lost my spark and let life eat me up. I will try to stand in confidence and get my spark back! 

Ave Maria (Hail Mary)

Ave Maria, gratia plena,

Dominus tecum.

Benedica tu in mulieribus,

et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus.

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei,

ora pro nobis peccatoribus,

nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae.

Amen.

Unbound Prayers (Five Keys for Deliverance)

These prayers can be used when praying with someone else for freedom using the Unbound model, or you can use them when praying alone to work through your own issues and struggles. It is recommended that you pray these prayers out loud whether with someone else or praying alone. To learn more about the Unbound model of deliverance, heartofthefather.com. 

 FIRST KEY: REPENTANCE AND FAITH 

• Make acts of faith in Jesus as Lord and Savior, acts of trust, surrender, and gratitude such as “Lord Jesus, I believe in you,” “I believe in your great love for me,” “Thank you for dying for me,” “Thank you that you are stronger than any situation,” etc… 
• Make acts of repentance such as, “Lord Jesus, please forgive me for…”, “Lord Jesus, I repent of…”, “Lord, I am sorry for…” 
• (Be sure to confess all sins in the Sacrament of Reconciliation) 

SECOND KEY: FORGIVENESS 

• “In the Name of Jesus, I forgive [person’s name] for [specific thing they did]…” 
• If needed, you can forgive yourself using the same form of prayer. 

THIRD KEY: RENUNCIATION 

Spirits 

Renounce anything you are feeling or tend to feel as a pattern in your life that you know is not from God, e.g. anger, hatred, lust, pride, fear, anxiety, fear of intimacy, etc…: 

• “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce the spirit of…” Lies Renounce the “beliefs” that are not part of God’s truth that tend to govern your thoughts, e.g. I am not lovable, I am a failure, God is not good, All love fails, etc…: 
• “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce the lie that…” 

Curses 

Renounce words that others have spoken to you that were negative in nature and exert power over you (E.g. You are a failure, You are stupid, You don’t matter, etc…). 

• Curses: “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce any spirit that was at work in [my mother, father, husband, wife, etc…] when he/she said [state what they said], and I break the power of those words over my life.” 

Vows 

Renounce words that you have spoken that were binding in nature that contradict God’s plan for you (E.g. I will never trust anyone, I will never forgive myself, etc…). 

• Vows: “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce the vow I made when I said [state what you said], and I break its power over me.” 

Occult 

Renounce any participation in occult activity – e.g. fortune tellers, Ouija boards, mediums, etc… - or any New Age activity – e.g. Reiki, energy channeling, transcendental meditation, etc…. Also renounce any words that were spoken to you by anyone involved in the occult, especially about your life, your future and your relationships. 

• “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce any spirit that came to me when I [occult action e.g. visited the fortune teller] and I take back the authority I gave to him/her.” 
• Or, “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce any spirit that operated in [name of the fortune teller, palm reader, etc…] and I take back the authority that I gave to him/her.” 
• Curses: “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce any spirit that was at work in [name of fortune teller, palm reader, etc…] when he/she said ______, and I break the power of those words over my life.” 

Soul ties 

Renounce any bondage that formed between you and someone else because of sexual activity that was outside of marriage. 

• “In the Name of Jesus, I break every physical and spiritual tie with [name] and I take back what I gave to him/her.” 
• In the case of sexual abuse/rape: “In the Name of Jesus, I break every physical and spiritual tie with [name] and I take back what he/she took from me.” 

FOURTH KEY: AUTHORITY 

Once you have done your forgiving and renouncing, give a simple word of command: 

• “In the Name of Jesus, I break the power of every spirit that I have renounced and every related spirit and I command them to leave me right now.” 

FIFTH KEY: THE FATHER’S BLESSING 

• When praying Unbound prayers by yourself, the Father’s blessing can be done by reading words of Scripture that contain God’s words of love, delight and blessing over his people (read it as applied to you). Or, use a journal and write down words of love, delight and tenderness that you think God would say to you. 
• Examples of Scripture passages with God’s blessing: 
• 1 John 3:1-2 ▪ Jeremiah 29:11 ▪ Isaiah 40:11 ▪ Jeremiah 31:3 ▪ Luke 3:21-22 ▪ Zephaniah 3:17 ▪ Romans 8:37-39 ▪ Romans 8:14-17 ▪ Galatians 4:6-7 ▪ Isaiah 62:1-5 ▪ Psalm 103:11-14 ▪ Matthew 11:28-29

(Unbound Prayers PDF courtesy of Office for the New Evangelization ▪ Archdiocese of Philadelphia ▪ phillyevang.org/unbound)

People with Dementia Still Remember Jesus!

https://www.churchpop.com/elderly-woman-with-dementia-amazingly-remembers-jesus-in-viral-video-he-will-take-me-home/

I see this every day at work! Especially on Sundays when the memory care residents are singing hymns and they remember every word. They can say a beautiful prayer, then speak incoherently most of the rest of the time (or barely speak at all). I’ve even seen the lowest cognitive residents sing along! It’s truly beautiful & powerful.

As I was praying over a resident who was passing last week, I told her to not be afraid and that Jesus loves her. Her eyes, which were open and staring out, then became very wide. She was very low-cognitive but I would see her singing along with the hymns and sometimes she would be singing the correct words. ❤️ 

Her mind and body are fully restored now, in the arms of Jesus. 🙏

Update to Aramaic Translations: Divine Mercy

I just realized that one of the meanings of the word sedaq/sedaqah (one of the words Jesus recently spoke to me in Aramaic while drawing attention to the heart) actually means justice (and righteousness). That is also the meaning of the pale ray in the image of Divine Mercy as Jesus revealed to St. Faustina. 

She said, “During prayer I heard these words within me: 

“The two rays denote Blood and Water. The pale ray stands for the water that makes souls righteous. The red ray stands for the Blood which is the life of souls ...

These two rays issued forth from the very depths of My tender mercy when my agonized Heart was opened by a lance on the Cross.” (Diary, 299).

I also heard Jesus’s words within me and revealed in a very similar way. He was gesturing toward the heart. Was he telling me about his divine mercy? 

Saints concern themselves with the langauge of the heart—what is right and true

I was worried for a bit that I might seem crazy… or even worse, disingenuous… particularly regarding the messages I’ve received in Aramaic. But you know what? I really don’t give any flips what anyone thinks and I refuse to let myself be preoccupied by what others might think of me. What I share is true and right and “sedaq”, as Jesus would say 😉. From the depths of my heart, I speak the truth and I’ll stand by that with an unwavering faith that would make demons wail and scatter in fear. 

Michelangelo’s Risen Christ

I think this image of Christ is powerful and beautiful. It’s Christ, resurrected, and “naked without shame”, having fully redeemed the dignity of the body and restoring creation to the purity of its origins! ❤️✝️ 

(Someone on my Facebook said that she didn’t like the naked version of the risen Christ. My first thought was “who told you that he was naked?” It’s our broken hearts that might make us uncomfortable, but it never was supposed to be like that. I wish we could all have our purity and dignity restored in such a way that we can see the body as fully beautiful again without twisting or shame. I continue to think this art is meaningful and lovely.)

From the Theology of the body Institute:

“But what has not been endured by Christ has not been redeemed by Christ. In order to restore nakedness without shame, Christ would have had to endure in some way nakedness with shame – as, indeed, he did.  Stripping their victims naked was part of the gruesome spectacle of Roman crucifixion, and Christ endured this indignity “heedless of its shame” (Heb 12:2). Indeed, he endured this indignity of the body to redeem the dignity of the body! Interestingly, both the Gospels of Luke (24:12) and of John (20:5-7) mention that Christ’s burial coverings were left behind in the tomb after his resurrection. The Catechism teaches that, together with the empty tomb, this signifies that “Christ’s body had escaped the bonds of death and corruption” (CCC 657).”

#risenchrist #michelangelo #art #theologyofthebody #theologyofthebodyinstitute #tob #easter #christ #heisrisen

Encountering Jesus during Holy Week - Aramaic Translations

I went into Holy Week with some pretty significant failures. To be honest, this was probably good because I felt like I had been going through the motions in prayer and in life and was lacking a feeling of remorse. I was even starting to feel a little bit of resentment and frustration toward God creeping in.

On Holy Thursday, I spent some time with Jesus in adoration. Something happened that hasn't happened in 14 years! He spoke 4 words to me in Aramaic.

When I first sat down to spend some time with him, he rejoicingly said, "You're here!". I don't think this is meant in the sense that I was physically there, but more so that I've finally come to meet him and his heart, and it's taken all my life to get here to this point. 

I started firing off a bunch of questions and he pretty much told me to be cool. Haha. 

He kept assuring me, saying, "I am here." ... "I am here." And he is always here. He is in my heart. 

Instead of answering questions right away, he knelt down, and with a green towel over his shoulder, he washed my feet, just as the priest did for 12 of our parishioners earlier during mass. He did that in silence for a short time. Afterward, in response to an important question, he led me through with more questions to ponder. Was I ready to let go of certain things? What fear was blocking me from letting go? What was I really holding on to that would be there if the other thing was not? As for the question that has been weighing heaviest on my heart... ultimately, I had to answer the question of whether, if all the who's and where's and why's were taken care of, would I really be ready in my heart for the things I was asking for?

Jesus spoke 4 words in Aramaic to me again (which hasn't happened in 14 years). He had me repeat it with him multiple times as he drew focus to my heart. Then (even though I was questioning when I first got there how long I should stay and how will I know when I should go), he told me to go in peace and made sure I knew that it was time and he had given me what I needed in that time.

I am no Aramaic scholar, but I did some translating the next morning on Good Friday of the words he spoke the night before. I'm not sure if the actual translation of the words is what is important. It's what I get from it that is really meaningful. Some people may think I'm just nuts, but I don't care. It means something to me and brings me where I need to be. It creates a change in my heart that moves me closer to Him. And this brings others closer to him as well. I know that at least some people don't think I'm nuts (haha) and have even been moved and inspired. One lovely woman in particular that I became acquainted with from the CIY (Catechism in a Year) group has asked me for suggestions in deepening her Catholic Christian belief (as well as nutrition and training advice after seeing my progress!). What I shared with her was very helpful for her and I'm glad I could have an impact.

The 4 words Jesus spoke sounded like:

Lamach, Sedach, (undiscernable vowel sounds), Elee (?)

The most prominently and loudly spoken were the first 2, the others were harder to make out.

Lama (In Aramaic, Lema) basically means "why have I been kept?" The "ch" is a gutteral consonant.

Sedach (Sdq/tzadaq/tsedeq) - Righteous. Uprightness, lawful, rightful. Legitimacy. "Hereditary right". 

in Aramaic, (Saddiq) - “What is right. What is true.” It is known as the way of life.

Sedeq/sedaqah - Justice. Righteousness. Concepts in terms of relationships: between man and man according to social customs and norms, and between man and God according to a special covenant.

Vowels - (Long sigh or breath or wind with no consonants). I translated this myself as being YAWEH or YHVH, the proper name for God, since I've heard that the true name of God is unutterable and like a wind.

Elee/Eli/Eloi - Eli/Eloi - My God, My Heart

Eleos (oil) - soothing. Eleison - Mercy (soothe me, comfort me, take away my pain, show me your steadfast love).

My takeaway from these translations?

Basically this...

Why have I been kept - What is true - God - My heart

He is telling me to open my heart... Why has he been kept away? Open it to what is true and right. To let God into my heart. He IS my heart.

(Also, I might ask myself “why have I been kept? For what purpose am I here?”)

I know that this is true, because as I was explaining everything to my aunt and I read out loud to her what I had translated in the end, I started crying.

Jesus asked me, "Are you ready to love right now? If all is taken care of, are you ready? 

....

These messages usually come to me in meditation or prayer... in moments of silence, when I reach out with my heart, and the way I "hear" him is by way of the heart. Sometimes I've heard things audibly and sometimes I see visions... glimpses or thoughts that come into my mind. 

My first vision of Jesus: "Don't Forget Who You Really Are" - Dancing with Jesus (2009)

I know not everyone experiences that or can understand necessarily, but that doesn't matter, and He speaks to us all in ways that are best for us and in ways that we can understand. If any of my testimonies so much as touch the heart of another, then that means everything. And maybe the only person whose heart will hear it is me. That's okay, too. 

Read the word of God. Understand through that how he speaks to us. Pray in your own way and show up to worship at mass. What's important is your personal connection and relationship with him, because He is a person. Just spend time with Him. When you pray... ask less, and open your heart more, so he can see everything. Even the things you might try to hide. His love is unfathomable to us humans and His mercy is always greater than our weaknesses.

ETA (4/6/24)!!!:

I just realized that one of the meanings of the word sedaq/sedaqah (one of the words Jesus recently spoke to me in Aramaic while drawing attention to the heart) actually means justice (and righteousness). That is also the meaning of the pale ray in the image of Divine Mercy as Jesus revealed to St. Faustina. 

She said, “During prayer I heard these words within me: 

“The two rays denote Blood and Water. The pale ray stands for the water that makes souls righteous. The red ray stands for the Blood which is the life of souls ...

These two rays issued forth from the very depths of My tender mercy when my agonized Heart was opened by a lance on the Cross.” (Diary, 299).

I also heard Jesus’s words within me and revealed in a very similar way. He was gesturing toward the heart. Was he telling me about his divine mercy? 

I Surrender My Failure

I don't think I've ever failed quite so hard during Holy Week before. My heart is stupid and broken and I'm surely in need of prayers.

I'm neither stupid nor crazy, but I feel both. I went out for a walk tonight and I was walking so fast, I must have been trying to run away from myself and my sin. I finally slowed down and looked into my heart and allowed God inside. I can't help but feel like I can use this situation for something good. How can I unite my failures to Christ right now? In my surrendering all of this and all of myself to the Lord, can I actually see this as an opportunity for the highest good and save the world by entering into suffering? Perhaps failing this Lent was a gift. Perhaps this whole weird thing I've been challenged with is a gift. Learning how to direct all of this up to God is actually setting me free.

I surrender my failure.

In the Storm...

If there's one thing the past two years have taught me, it's that this world is not Home.

When the rug is pulled out from under me and I struggle to grasp on to the last thread of the world, rain and stormy winds whip my eyes and I cannot see. Darkness surrounds me and waves thrash my body. I reach out my hands to feel for the foot of the cross, the only thing that's real... the only thing that I can hold onto that won't fade away when the curtain drops and this farce of a world falls away for good. My hands touch Christ's feet. We leave this world only with what we gave. The truth is revealed in the greatest of Graces. Hidden in our true heart's knowing, the depth of God's Love.

(I will not let the evil one convince me that I have no choice but to fail. Or that my faith is dispensable. I will choose the harder road that doesn’t go against my heart. We will eventually lose everything and everyone. All will be stripped away. God is showing me by stripping away the things and the people I thought would always be there, to show me He is all I really have. I’m still a little in denial about the impending loss of someone who was one of my dearest friends of 25 years.)

Desire Mercy

 

When Your Faith Is Put to the Test - Bishop Barron's Sunday Sermon

"Do you love the benefits of God, or do you love God?"

This actually reminds me of one of the messages I heard this year, which I believe was Jesus speaking to me. 

He said to me, "We planted roses in the Garden of Gethsemane". At the time I didn't know fully what it meant, but I knew it had a lot of meanings. I wrote a poem and another blog post about it. Now, hearing this statement, which is a central question in the spiritual life, I think of the image of planting seeds and doing labor, not knowing if or when anything will grow, but trusting and loving God, even when the benefits aren't visible.

It is for Him.

Only Jesus is worthy of the ridiculous kind of Love I have to give from the deepest depths of my heart… and only he is worth the yearning I feel in my spirit. I spent so much time lamenting the love from my heart being wasted, but it is not wasted! How silly I’d been. With so much love to give, I see now that it is you Lord who openly receives it. You see me. You know me. And you TRULY love me. My desire to take your pain is understood by you. As is my deepest want—to dwell in you as you dwell in me. All of my overwhelming desire bleeds into your cup and you drink. I know you desire me fully, as you have already poured out your desire for me, in giving all of yourself, for me to consume. I don’t have to be afraid.

God doesn’t give warnings because he doesn’t know what we’re going to do—He already knows always and forever all that ever was, is, and will be. He knows how everything will play out. He knows everything we have ever thought or will think... From the Beginning. But He often will show us that we need Him, and gives us the opportunity to need Him by letting us fall. He proves to us repeatedly that without Him, we are but dust. When we disobey him or his warnings, it’s for us to see. For us to look back and reflect on how we should have listened and what a mess we make of things on our own.

More Merton…

 

Denial of God and His holiness (Merton)

Moving through changes

 

The new person I’m becoming (and a new future) can’t come forward if I stubbornly won’t let her or if I hold on to old preconceived ideas of who I am or what my life is. I can’t stay still and expect changes to happen. I have to move. And I have to move THROUGH these changes. I can get in my own way!

Despite all my whining and protesting, you still speak in ways I understand and I know you love me. You are always close, Lord. ❤️

(Does “step aside” also mean to deny my Self?) 🤔 

#godsvoice #messagesfromgod #holyspirit #holyspiritmybestfriend

God is legit funny.

 

All Men are Secretly Cucks: The Madonna/Whore complex

JBP on the Madonna-Whore complex

I recently saw a clip of Jordan Peterson discussing the Madonna/Whore complex and it made a lot of sense, particularly in observing men and my experience with many of their fantasies. 

Most married men do, in fact, WANT to view their wife as pure and virginal and they are likely to put them on a pedestal. But men also want a little bit of whore as well. And since they don't want to view their wives in this way, men may have the propensity to cheat and go find that "whore" in someone else (or turn to porn) because they feel that the "dirty" part of themselves can't turn their own pure wives into the whore of their deeper-seated fantasies. This hurts the dignity of the marriage, and that of the person who is the "whore".

In order to maintain sexual and psychological interest, men need to feel a little unsafe, uneasy and unsure... that there is the sneaking danger that the woman he loves could cheat on him or find someone else. That she could leave him and find someone more sexually fulfilling. This danger aspect psychologically keeps a man invested. 

I've seen and heard a lot of things in my day, and quite frankly nothing surprises me. Usually if someone has one particular fantasy (X), it's pretty textbook that they'll also like Y and Z. The secret to remedying the possible dilemma of unfaithfulness due to their latent cuckoldry lies in accepting that ALL WOMEN CAN HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF WHORE IN THEM. 

Yes. It's true.

And women shouldn't be afraid to let a little bit of that side out in the realm of fantasy with their husband. Shared fantasies are healthy and lead to a stronger bond and fidelity. 

So, ladies... treat your husband like the pathetic little cuck he is ;-) , but also... remember that you are still pure. It's all in good fun and play. We don't have to take ourselves so seriously all the time, especially in the bedroom. Sex is not a duty, it's Love-making--with your best friend. It should also be fun!

Rant about a Vampire...

Pardon the rant that is about to ensue. I'm not sure why this is bothering me tonight, but it just is. I honestly had forgiven this person, but now I'm seeing in my Instagram feed all these stories/posts from this person, who is now Catholic and has a wife and child and he's talking about grace and mercy and divine love. But what he did to me was rather disgusting. I let him do it because he's a celebrity and I was stupid. He acted like he was doing me a favor. He treated me roughly and left bruises on parts of me that should be handled tenderly. He did these things in public but in the shadows... near a sidewalk on a busy neighborhood street outside of a Japanese spa, where he took me to get a "couples massage" about 14 years ago. He arrogantly used my body as he pleased. God help me, I do forgive this person and I'm glad he has honestly found the Lord and hopefully has purified his heart and cleansed his soul, but I can't help but feel a bit resentful that he is one of so many I've had to forgive, and I have never received apologies. Yet he, and others, have found joy and now have families and speak of God. They deserve Heaven as much as anyone else. But why am I alone again with no family and why do I still suffer so?

I have never really spoken to anyone about this before (except maybe my last ex, but I never went into much detail and he didn't know who he was). Perhaps this is creeping up now because there is part of a wound that still exists and isn't fully forgiven and I need to be completely unbound. Now I have an opportunity to be delivered from it.

So... In the name of Jesus, I renounce Satan and all of his works. I renounce the spirits of resentment, of unforgiveness, bitterness and any related spirits. I command them to leave me now in the name of Jesus. I forgive myself for holding onto any of these negative feelings or judgments about myself and others and I receive God's blessings and forgiveness freely. Lord Jesus, I surrender my life to you and I trust you. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me victory... I am not afraid.

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

 

Tonight in prayer, I spoke to Jesus, telling him about my distress. I told him that I did in fact feel forsaken. Toward the end of my prayer, I asked for guidance and asked Jesus to be with me and if there was something he wants me to know right now. He told me “Matthew 27.” I did not remember what Matthew 27 was , exactly. But when I read it and found that it was where he cried out to God “Why have you forsaken me?” I feel that he was consoling me and telling me that he has felt this, too. That he has been there, he is with me, he has cried out the same words and felt the same way, and I am not forsaken… he died so that I will have Hope. Even in the darkest times. God exists outside of time, and he sees things from an eternal perspective. We may feel like a bug thrashing around and wriggling sometimes, but God loves us and our suffering is not in vain. If we ask “but who am I?” He will tell us exactly who we are, and remind us why he did this for us. We are so loved and so important to the creator of this world, that he gave everything and exsanguinated himself fully on the cross for us. We are worth that much. THAT is who we are. And we, as beloved sons and daughters of God, can be a light in this world to tell others WHO THEY ARE, in case they forgot…

Untitled

My body is not for use, but for poetry, my love. If your fingers don’t speak of the soul and passion and destiny… if they don’t tantalize me and terrify me with a dark streak of cruelty, don’t dare take your ink to my pages.