Complaint Against God (To Reveal My Heart)

Part 1

Where do I begin when writing my magnum opus to the Lord? Do I need to hem and haw when thou knowest my heart better than I and already know what I will say, what I struggle to say, what I will fail to say and what I don't even know, myself? How do I come before you with complaints when I know the complaints are really with myself and my failures against you?

So many nights I whined, "Why?"

"Well, why, then, my daughter?"

Where am I still hardened to your love? Where am I not letting you in?

My obstinate unwillingness to fully accept your will and bear my suffering needs observing.

You healed those I pray for, but I do not resent them nor wish for my healing over theirs. I simply resigned to the notion that I, separate from all others, am the only one undeserving... and what arrogance it takes to think that something should apply only to me.

Part 2

How Do Celibates Live Out Their Sexual Desires?

Let me preface this by saying that I've read TOB and West's companion book, however... 

It really does come down to suppression IN THAT WAY. Yes, there are many ways to express Eros in general, but in that way...

There's just something missing here entirely for me. It doesn't answer the question of that very important desire to express love in that way being fulfilled. It doesn't always have to be twisted and a disordered form of lust when you have sexual desire towards someone.

Maybe you want to give to them and sacrifice in the way God intended, but you just can't. I find it rather sad. Ultimately, it's a choice entered into (sort of), but it's the one area of TOB where I find it difficult to know where to direct that eros besides thanking God for the person and for the beauty and for the feelings that arise... (yup, I get it) there just isn't anywhere for that energy to go from there. It stops in its tracks and has to be directed into another avenue.... another form of giving. Tell me how the sexual urge isn't actually suppressed here.

Now, I may being going into "TMI" territory here, so if you blush easily or you are a family member of mine, you may not want to read further.

Over the past two and a half years being single, I have remained true to not engaging in the sexual act (the marital embrace) in a disordered way, yet I have not completely successfully refrained from self-pleasure (although much less than I used to!). 

Sometimes I enter into "ecstatic states"... kind of like energy orgasms... with no physical touch.  It was actually happening a little bit today while driving. I felt chills go up my back like a wave, similar to the body sensations of an orgasm but without the genital stimulation.

Another thing that happens... If it's been a very long time and then there IS a physical release, I sometimes experience ESO's, or extended-state orgasms, with multiple peaks that roll into one another, and it can go on for 20-30 minutes. It's kind of annoying. However, it has been less of an interference in my life lately.

Even though I have a relatively high sex drive, it is well-tempered now. Not LOWERED, necessarily, just controlled.

I am in no way arguing with the beautiful body of text that comprises the Theology of the Body, and I do not wish to be obstinate or argumentative, but this is an area of TOB that I've had a hard time with in my personal experience while trying to remain chaste and while striving toward celibacy (at least during this time of non-union/singlehood) and I genuinely wish to understand how to either overcome or integrate or whatever I need to do with this undirected form of love I need to give. And it isn't even about something as selfish as having a high drive. That can be just an excuse. Perhaps some people are just predisposed to needing to give in this particular way and to sacrifice for another and be a gift of self in this way. I do not think I was made for singlehood, personally. I NEED to give and to express Eros in this form. I just don't think it's possible to actually redirect the actual sexual desire besides repressing it and letting the energy itself take other forms. It's just not the same.

Apocalypse Wedding

In the past, I had a couple of very poignant and detailed dreams where I was getting married to someone that I didn't want to and it was the end of the world.

I often had precognitive dreams when I was younger, but it hasn't happened for a very long time. Even if things don't happen exactly the same as in the dream, if I pay attention to the MESSAGE or the EMOTION behind the events, I can look back upon them as a warning.

I think I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play.

It certainly feels overwhelmingly like we are very near to the end of the world or close to a catastrophic event.

Here's the old blog post where I talk about the dreams:

Dreams and Symbols

(I talk about the more recent one first, then interpret it. Then at the bottom, I describe the first one I ever had.)

The reason I feel that I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play is because I am considering going back to someone that I don't really want to marry and that I don't really love. I care for him, and I've remained in contact with him since we separated 3 years ago, but I honestly feel at this point in my life that I won't meet anyone new that I will have a deep connection with. Someone who ideally doesn't have any children either and who hasn't been married. I'd have to spend years revealing my whole ethos again and understanding someone and all their quirks and brokenness. Years figuring out how my wounds interact with theirs. I'm 41 and likely too old to start having a family. My soul feels worn out and tired. I'm not getting any younger or more attractive and I know that this person loves me and never stopped, even being across the country for the past 3 years. He knows my life-altering struggles with chronic pain (no one new is going to want to deal with that) and I know he would never cheat on me. I really don't trust him with my heart and my heart actually was traumatized when I lived with him for 3 1/2 years when he still was an alcoholic. He did not treat me very well a lot of the time. He doesn't drink anymore and he doesn't have any children and has never been married. We both are kind of failures at life. At least he loves God. He was an ordained minister at a Pentecostal church a long time ago before we started dating. He is more interested in the Torah these days, though.

I feel right now like I'm in my dream, sitting in my bathroom at the end of the world with my wedding dress on, telling my mom that I don't love (X) and that I don't want to marry him. 

Death will come knocking soon enough. C'est La Vie.

Solitude

Journal Entry 11/09/24

I may occasionally whine about being alone, but perhaps those who have not spent a significant amount of time alone with themselves understand me and where I am coming from. I am a woman who is not afraid to be alone with my own thoughts and I have spent enough time in solitude to find peace there and deeper understanding of my own soul while examining my conscience. I do not waste my solitary time on brain-numbing consumption and entertainment. I do not try to run away from myself. I don't have anything that I do for "escapism" (drugs, alcohol etc.). I use my time to read and to deepen my prayer life, and I realize that coming from this place of solitude, whomever I choose to spend time with is an intentional and purposeful choice, never out of desperation, because I have been alone and am only choosing to come out of it to embrace what I find truly nourishing to my soul and not draining. People may say I'm not putting myself in the right places to meet people, but I say that the right people have not presented themselves in the places I want to be. Yes, I'm human and yes I want love and to give all of myself, but good grief I'm not filling a void or looking for a variable to fit some presupposed equation. I've become quite fond of the freedom of creating my own schedule and my own life, pursuing my own interests and hobbies. If someone is capable of sharing in those things, wonderful. But I absolutely will not play games and if you disappear for a long time, I will not retain interest. I may have a youthful outlook and connect with the child inside that likes to have fun, but that does not mean I am an emotionally immature little girl or that I do not know my worth and value. I have been through quite a bit at this point in my life. I also have times where I am depressed or I feel old or I have a negative or distorted view of my physical appearance, but I still won't put up with foolishness or disrespect. If you are quite removed from the awareness of your own conscience and soul, I will discover that quickly and will also be far less likely to invest in any emotional attachment. I am easily overwhelmed by constant interaction, especially if the dialogue is of little consequence. I don't say these things to assert an air of phony independence or to be intentionally harsh. This is just where I find myself currently and I am trying to be better understood.

Sofia and Instant Answered Prayers

As I was driving home from college after my video production class, I was considering stopping by to spend time with Jesus in Adoration. I made a split decision and tore into the church parking lot from the street in my black Mustang GT, blasting Rob Zombie on my Halloween playlist. (Maybe kind of weird, but whatever.)

I knelt in the front pew in prayer and I read the readings in the Magnificat for today. The last words I read were by Blessed Ladislaus Batthyany-Strattmann and he said, "If you want to be happy, make others happy".

One of the things I brought to the Lord in prayer was asking for Him to show me more ways I could serve others. I don't have a lot of money to give, but I want to be able to do more and I want to better understand the Kingdom of Heaven, the laws of which operate in an opposite way than this world. What we hold in high regard here in this world is lower in Heaven and what is lowest here is highest in Heaven. 

I asked the Lord to be with me and to guide me. To show me CLEARLY the next step and what he wants me to do. I also asked what He wanted me to know and listened intently with my heart.

One of the main things He told me was that I have a beautiful heart. To let it be seen and to share it with others. To guard it, but to share it.

I went out to my car and sat for a little while checking some missed messages on my phone. A woman pulled up not far from me and she took a selfie in front of some statues, then she looked lost, but found her way to the courtyard entrance. I saw her take one more. I kind of giggled to myself at the fact that she did that. Not in a mean way, I just thought it was silly but kind of cute and there are worse things she could be taking selfies in front of. A few moments later, I noticed she was standing outside again and she looked confused or like she was looking for someone, so I rolled down my window and asked if she needed any help. She was wondering if the church was open. The church's main doors weren't open to the public at the time, so I kindly let her know. She had spoken to a woman she contacted on the church website and was trying to find her. She needed to talk to someone. There was that knee-jerk reaction to just let her walk away and say "Okay, bye!" and wish her the best, but I asked if she was okay. She seemed very distressed and she kind of walked away from the car and started sobbing. At that moment, God urged me to get out of the car. I got out, leaving the car door open and I asked if she was okay again but she kept crying. I then asked if she needed a hug and she opened her arms to hug me. 

It was a long, hard hug. I told her that God loves her and that she is not alone. She sobbed and hugged me harder. She told me that she is not okay and sat down on the curb. I got my keys out of the car that I had left inside it and closed the door and sat down beside her on the curb. It was getting kind of cold and windy as the afternoon sun was setting and I had flip-flops on. I introduced myself and she told me her name was "Sofia". She continued crying on and off as she spoke. I asked her some questions that she would be comfortable answering, and she told me where she was from (She was from the Honduras and lived in many places, including Florida--where I'm from!) She also told me she doesn't have any family here in the states. Neither of us have children. We shared a little about ourselves and at one point, after sharing some things about myself, she actually took my hands and squeezed them in hers and told ME that I am loved and that I am not alone, either. She kissed my hands and remarked how God works and how he brought us together. We were the only ones there at the church. We hugged at least one or two more times and she apologized each time she broke down crying. I asked for her number and texted her so she would have mine. I invited her to come with me to my usual parish (which is a little farther away, but I go to this one for adoration since my church only holds adoration a couple days in the week early in the morning on days I'm not available.) I told her she could reach out to me anytime if she needed someone to talk to. I hugged her goodbye and for some reason I told her "I love ya already!" before I got in my car to go. I just felt like she needed to hear that. And in my heart at that moment, my heart was full of love.

The woman she had come there to meet with never showed up, but I did. And God answered my prayer instantly. Sometimes the next step is the person right in front of you that you are called to drop everything for. Sometimes where you're being called to serve is right under your nose in a moment where you have a choice to walk away, or to bring God into the present. Sometimes "sharing your heart with others" means sitting on a curb in an empty parking lot in the cold to make someone feel seen and heard and not alone.

Loading… Please Wait

This is me right now. I’ve had some bumps and hiccups… some long seasons of waiting, confusion and struggle, but I feel that God is working on something big in me. I’m getting some things together and in order, picking up where I left off with old endeavors that I thought were left in the dust… but they were only sleeping, waiting to be resurrected until I was ready and had Jesus in my heart. Waiting until I went through some experiences in life that paved the way to who I have become. He’s still got me in a place where I’m learning something and I feel it. I feel Him near and I am aware of His hand. Hold tight, He has not abandoned us in our grief. We are becoming who we really are, and we can let him fashion new hearts within us that are like His. Hold on… He is coming.

4:44 (He is there.)

I went to visit Jesus in Eucharistic Adoration and left my car at exactly 3:33. When I returned to my car, it was exactly 4:44.

Thanks for that wink, God!

My Lord, I love you and I thank you. Grant me patience, peace, and a humble poor heart.

I know what real Love is.

I have seen you and you have seen me.

Wherever you are, Lord, that's where I want to be. And you are always there with me.

Trusting in that truth, no matter what happens, and finding peace in Him.. That's key. Even if I were to die today.

I had been so occupied with how things will work out and how I had failed someone who came to me asking for help, worrying about the future and also focusing on vanity and what people think of me... And my goodness did it smack me in the face today how much all of that takes away from the peace that is found in God and in just trusting in Him.

I may always carry a pain with me, but in Christ, I will carry it with Love in my heart. I know he sees me as the same little girl with the same ears now to hear Him as I had then, and I feel that he is proud of me and has blessed me because a part of my heart has always remained untainted by the world and open to Him, even when I was living a life that seemed far.

I pray that when we surrender all of this life to the Lord, that our hearts remained pure and poor, and that our eternal reward will be great.

Focus On Love, Not Fear

I often have days where I sit and cry in my car as soon as I get home from work.

A few days ago, Pam, one of the higher-cognitive memory care residents, told me that when she was 16, her older brother went into a gas station and left her in the car. She was kidnapped by two men, taken to a hotel, raped, then left there. She forgets a lot of things, but she remembers that quite vividly. 

Not long ago, Pam found out from a family member of one of the residents (Karolyn) that a man she loved walked out and disappeared for two years. Then when she was going to marry another man later in life, she got diagnosed with dementia and he left her before the wedding because he couldn't deal with that. Karolyn is one of our lower cognitive residents and she is stuck there mentally in her head. She relives that reality constantly. She cries often and it sounds like incoherent babbling about nothing, but you can understand where some of her memories are coming in and how she feels about herself and she is still traumatized. One of the male residents reminds her of someone from her past, so she had a very difficult time for a long time being around him. 

It is quite horrifying to think of ending up like that. Stuck there in your mind and knowing that something is wrong with you and your brain... and never being able to leave that place mentally. To always be in that perpetual state of loneliness and fear. From what I've seen, people with dementia and Alzheimer's prove that we become what we constantly think about. We repeat stories in our heads and those stories can become imprinted. We need to be so careful that what we believe about ourselves and our lives doesn't keep us stuck in misery or fear. What we dwell on can become our entire reality. Lyle is always looking for a wife and he always is packing up to leave for North Carolina. He was a Marine and he often thinks that the Germans are going to kill him.

I could end up that way someday, myself, and it's easy for me to be terrified about my future.

As it is now, I wouldn't have anyone else to even put me in a place for care. Every time I tell someone, like a coworker, how I have no siblings, no children, no nieces or nephews and I'm the youngest person in my little family, they always say, "Wow, you really ARE alone!", or "That's really scary!"

Thanks. I feel so much more hopeful now.

My cats will probably eat me. Oh well, at least they'll get fed one last time! (Kidding. I hope. lol.)

Most of the time I'm actually okay and I am able to find joy and pursue things that make me happy. No matter what I may be feeling, it doesn't prevent me from loving the people in front of me. But every now and then the loneliness seeps in, and then sometimes fear. Because I am human. Even Jesus, the son of God, felt fear in the Garden of Gethsemane. So, I can't be discouraged for sometimes feeling fear and then guilt over the fear as if my faith isn't strong enough or that fear is from the evil one.

Be careful of your thoughts. Focus on love, not fear. Love those around you and SEE them. Even if they have nothing to offer at all. How you make people feel is more important than what you get.

Lord, may we be like You and never overlook those who are suffering or in need. The poor or the sick. May we be willing to bloody and soil our clothes and hands to reach down to give love to the unseen. May we always keep our eyes open to see others. To know them as You know them.

Healing with St. Raphael and anointing oils

Known as the patron saint of students, St. Benedict is also a popular saint for matters of protection and exorcism. "Vade retro Satana" is initialed on his emblem. When I bought the anointing oil, I wasn't thinking of any specific need or intention... I simply thought it smelled good and the scent elicited a healing reaction in my body, so I bought it. It reminded me a bit of an ayurvedic blend of oils for pain called "Narayan oil", but this St. Benedict blend had a few different oils in it, including myrrh, lavender and clove oil. Clove is well known for analgesic properties, as is Frankincense (Boswellia Serrata) for it's anti-inflammatory uses, but many might not know the benefits or mechanisms of myrrh.

I used the frankincense and myrrh combo a lot a few years back to manage the flares of pain from my cervical spinal stenosis (both topical and ingested tinctures). As a carrier oil for topical use, I just used coconut oil and massaged it into my neck and shoulders. As for the tinctures, I had the single herb tinctures of both frankincense and myrrh (no blend) and they were alcohol-based (more effective than glycerin-based).

Besides the pleasant aroma of the topical essential oils, I definitely noticed a decrease in inflammation and pain. Taken internally, myrrh has an analgesic effect and works on the opioid receptors in a similar way to morphine. I definitely felt this when I first began using it, but it actually stopped having that same effect after a few weeks and never really had that same effect again, even months after. I still would recommend it, but the oils and tinctures seem to work better synergistically. 

I felt like I should try putting the St. Benedict oil on the back of my neck along the vertebrae. I kid you not, I felt quite a bit of relief from tension and arthritis pain. 

I used to study herbalism here and there, and worked for a while in a shop that sold herbs and supplements. I never went all the way with becoming an herbalist because I thought it had the stigma of being associated with woo-woo hippie pseudoscience quackery and not taken very seriously, but I still believe in the powerful healing effects of nature. And after using this St. Benedict oil, I'm even more convinced of the healing power of herbs and the spiritual power of the saints. If any pain or affliction may have any roots in negative spiritual attachments, I believe that using the anointing oils with prayer and intention can have tremendous healing effects. 

I would love to continue to investigate the use of anointing oils further and in healing practices. 

I still have a lot of goals and passions I want to pursue. Healing has always been a beacon of purpose for me, and St. Raphael is always near me and reminding me of what I'm here for.

O RAPHAEL of the glorious seven stand 

before the throne of Him who lives and 

reigns, Angel of Health, the Lord hath filled 

thy hand with the balm from Heaven to soothe or 

cure our pains. Heal or console the victims of 

disease, and guide our steps when doubtful of 

our ways.

A Rock to Hold On To

I feel like I'm going, going, going... really fast... but I don't know where (besides toward the end of it all). I'm flailing like a fish. I still don't know what I want. Nothing is ever enough for me. People say I am encouraging and inspiring, but when alone, I still feel unloved and like I have no one to lean on. In talking about things, and what's really on my heart, I fear that those who look to me to be a light will be let down. When they figure out that I don't have it all figured out or have it all together anymore than they do.

Today, after receiving the Lord, I told Him on my knees that I don't have a rock to hold on to in the storm. Then, I felt sad because I know he wants to be my rock. And I want that to be enough. But here in this world, I just haven't found what lights me up for him and for His glory. I'm so broken. All I loved was love... But I didn't understand what holy love was. Love is all I ever wanted. I strongly desired that and sex. So I am giving up the latter until further notice. Giving up sex isn't hard when single (it's already been a very long time for me that I've gone without that), but it's when alone... the giving in to self-gratification part, that I struggle with.

Even when I don't indulge in that, there's still the random energetic states that pass through all of my atoms like a wave of white light... or the 20-30 minute long ESO's if I go too long without release. But I can handle anything if I decide to. I still desire love and highly spiritual sex, but if God wants something else for my heart, I accept that. It's just taking a really long time and I feel like I don't know how much longer I can do this. I think (during St. Michael's Lent) in leaning into a more disciplined chastity, and investigating my resistance towards celibacy, the evil one has been pressing me hard and I've been feeling out of sorts and more weak than usual.

Holy moly. I hope this passes soon.

Day 1 of St. Michael's Lent - Resistance and Temptation

It's Day 1 of St. Michael's Lent and I'm already being struck hard by the evil one. Part of what I'm leaning into for my heart is remaining completely celibate during this time. I usually have a very high sex drive, and I'm no stranger to temperance, but I'm finding it harder than usual. In fact, it's quite ridiculous and overwhelming. To the point I know it's a temptation to throw me off.

I recently scoffed at the idea I could be celibate (a state of being) and while I do exercise chastity for the most part, I knew I could never choose celibacy as a way of life. This made me realize I have a particular resistance that begs some investigating. Perhaps I'm too attached to this urge/drive itself and the unwillingness to let it go. Perhaps I have a belief that my need is too strong. Or that I fear I could never do it (celibacy). Maybe because I think I have a weakness... and I do.

I would suggest that people do not throw stones here, because we are all sexual beings and to deny that is to deny our nature as God created us. This is an area of struggle for many people. I don't think it does anyone any good to not talk about things like this. Many of the saints struggled in the area of their sexuality. This just happens to be one of the things I'd like to experiment with having more control over. I don't feel victimized by my desires, nor guilty or anything. I just wish to be free from attachments, doubts, fears and resistance in my life.
 

St. Michael's Lent (Aug 15-Sept 29)

Today is day 1.

I will send a message soon to those who wanted to do this with me... and perhaps do like we did last time for the "Fasting for Miracles" group. I'll ask everyone for some prayer requests. Now is a good time to think about what our own personal struggles or vices are... things that keep us from being closer to Christ or areas we need to improve or have more discipline with. Something we can cut out of our lives or limit. Self-denial... not just from food but what really has an impact on our hearts.

Adding the St. Michael Chaplet prayer to each of these 40 days will be very beneficial. I also have some other resources that are helpful on this journey of prayer and fasting. 

The Wounded Healer

God calls me to healing by the strangest of avenues...

Even if I'm like, "Oh, I think I'll go back into filmmaking!"... He's like, "No, honey... you ARE the wounded healer."

I went out for a walk tonight, asking God why he has put me in the situation I'm in. Why I find myself in a similar position so often in life. (I swallow my own grief and wounds... sometimes caused by the very person who comes to me or who presents themself in need of my prayers.) No matter MY heart and it's aching... I must rise above myself to take care of others.

Jesus sat with me on my porch tonight. I told him I love him between sobs. I realize what my eyes are actually looking at in front of me. a boulder on a small hillside shaped like a heart. I know he loves me, too, and he approves. 

I'm so tired of not being the one who is loved. I'm tired of fixing the broken... and yet I love the broken that you give to me, Lord. I still give you gratitude.

Help me and guide me, Lord. May I know what to do or say so I may help the souls in need.

I am your servant... I am your friend. I am your beloved.

“Poi si tornò all’eterna fontana.”

 

Or, as CS Lewis quotes from Dante at the end of A Grief Observed... "poi si torno all'eterna fontana."

(That is perhaps a better reply to the original prompt.)

That roughly translates to "Then unto the eternal fountain she turned". By this he meant that his late wife turns unto God, the eternal fountain of life and grace.

Ed Glosser, Trivial Psychic: Limited Usefulness - SNL

Who remembers Christopher Walken's "Trivial Psychic" SNL skits from the early 90's? I thought of them today as I was driving home from evening mass and how my random little gifts of somewhat accurate prophecy seem to have pretty limited usefulness... especially among those in my little community.

Dis is me... 😂

What is Holy Desire?

O mystery, O source
O center of my heart
You are my breath

that fills me

a Love greater than any earthly desire...

So,

What IS holy desire?

This came to me last night in prayer, and I think God wants me to focus on what good, ordered desire feels like. To understand the difference between that and the disordered desire (or the inordinate desire OF desire). I intellectually grasp the distinction. But do I feel it?

Have I felt holy, beautiful, Godly desire?

Perhaps I do know. Perhaps my heart can tell the difference in shifting from one to the other. But it's worth looking deeply into... just to make sure. ;-)

Desire from unmet needs is not bad, because even in its disordered form, it’s pointing to our deeper need. Our longing for God.

In order to know what Holy Desire is, I can say what it is not. It is not lust, it is not use, it is not imposing limitations by creating an idol. 

So Holy Desire must result in the opposite of limitation. Giving freedom and limitlessness... not using but setting free. Just as Christ poured himself out on the cross for us... He thirsted for us. He has holy desire for us. A holy desire to sacrifice, to give. This kind of desire does not possess or keep another bound, but allows the other to open fully. It unlocks them, unbinds them. 

Holy desire is a longing to pour yourself out completely dry for another.

What does this kind of desire feel like?

It hurts. It aches and bleeds. But whereas disordered desire comes from a place of lack and is a hunger seeking to fill a hole (which never can be filled by the thing that is sought after), this is a divine hunger coming from a place of completion and fulfillment (God), wishing to share (itself) with others. To give it all away. It doesn't need. It doesn't lack. It doesn't take. Holy desire draws the other UP to God. In full bliss. God longs to draw us all up to His bliss. 

Holy Desire is the All coming together with the All and realizing it is itself. 

❤️

Desiderio (a poem)

It's not too late... Make room for the Miracle!

The scripture passages in my "Fasting for Miracles" book had me crying like a baby today. Everything was pertinent to my current situation and state of my heart. It also referenced a message I woke up to one morning, spoken to my heart by God. It makes sense now. 

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

(From Feb. 9, 2024:

"The first words in my head this morning upon waking:

"Step aside and greet her. One cannot move through changes if ye are still.")

I wrote about this in my blog back in February (Moving through changes), but maybe the message is similar to the girl who was not dead, just sleeping. ("Make room, for the girl is not dead, but sleeping." Matthew 9:24-26) Also, I get in my own way (disbelief).

It's not too late. It's not over.

"Make room for the miracle!"

I have been waiting a long time... Jesus is getting ready to work.

He needs my desperate cry.

The story isn't over. There is hope.

Be Healed

 

When directed properly, I do see miracles happening around me. My mom has been one. One of my friends in my prayer and fasting group has experienced a miracle with her infant grandson. Now I have surrendered my wants and *my* miracle for another’s… and I am fasting, not to see my miracle happen, but someone else’s. I’ve come to truly learn the redemptive power of suffering. I pray that this vortex of energy from my heart will heal those that God wills to be healed, in accordance with His plan for their hearts, spiritual development and purification. I unite my sufferings to Christ, and by his stripes... by his precious blood... be healed. May you be surrounded and enfolded by the golden healing light of Christ. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Love, Miracles and the Sacred Heart of Jesus

Late at night, especially when lying down in bed, I have lately been hearing the words "I love you... I love you...I love you..." whispered to my heart. With as much strength and clarity as the name Nehara was spoken to me many years ago. It would almost freak me out if it didn't give me such a sense of peace, love and centeredness. The voice speaking the words hits deep, sinking into my bones and caressing my soul. I am calm. I am loved. I AM love.

I will be entering into a 21-day fast starting on June 1st. June is the month of the sacred heart of Jesus. I didn't actually plan this fast for June ahead of time with that in mind, it just happened perfectly that way, as God intends. I am expecting miracles and a season of joy and abundance on the horizon. I am approaching God with a truly clean heart. I am free from sexual immorality and anything unclean within me is being held up to the fire for burning and purification. 

This is a time of metamorphosis. A time where belief gives way to experiencing true miracles. Keep your eyes open. God is speaking in signs in the environment. Focus on Love. Act in Love. Be Love in all that you do. Be one with God. And Love others as you love yourself. Be gentle. Let your thoughts be innocent and pure like God's. Pray for this in your heart and pray for this in the hearts of others. May we be one heart, as we enter the sacred heart of Jesus. In our devotion, may our names be carved in his heart and may he bless every heart that keeps his sacred heart within.

"I must give, so that I can live..."

I've lost quite a few "friends" and acquaintances since I've come back to my Catholic faith (which is expected), but some may have also passed judgment on me after noticing I'm not perfect or a beacon of holiness, which I still strive for but often fail at. 

No, I am not perfect. But no one is. One thing I am is honest, though. And when I fail or walk towards error, I am quick to try and correct my path.

Are we truly living as if God is inside us? Are we loving others as He loves us? Are we obeying His commandments? Do we extend God's light outward from within us? Do we invite sinners to our table and embrace them, forgive them, and share with them the truth of God's love? Or do we reject them? Are we living in a bubble of "delulu" sinlessness? Are we using our gifts to help HEAL others and bring others into relationship with God?

Each of our spiritual paths is a unique journey of struggles and strides and setbacks. And let me tell you... No matter how many times I fall, I will always get back up. (Thanks to Father Mike Schmitz for teaching me about "Nunc Coepi"!) With cheeks dirty from mascara-muddied tears, I will come back to Jesus as many times as it takes. Every day I get to choose Him again and again. 

Satan wants to tell me that it's hopeless and that I'll always be a wh*re and that I'll never change. That my life is empty and that I'm not good enough. That I'm broken beyond repair. I reject this with every fiber of my being. 

When it comes to being an image of holiness or sainthood, do not look to me for that. But can you look to me to assure you of God's love for you? Yes, indeed. Can you look to me to accept you and to love you? You sure can. I may not be good at loving myself all the time, but I’m better at it than I used to be. Jesus gives me my strength. I trust in His mercy, and I can openly receive God’s love. And I can GIVE love. I am good at that! I must give...

(Also, if you know what song my title's lyrics are from... 👍) ;-)

TZADIKA

Today's scripture reading reminds me that Jesus has already promised what I've always wanted in the deepest part of my heart. To have a kind of love where someone is so deeply within me, and I within them. 

Jesus is the vine. "Abide in me, and I in you", he says. 

I have to ask myself... am I living as though Jesus is within me? Are my actions an extension of him residing within me? Am I befriending sinners and helping them to draw near to God? Am I spreading the word of God? Am I serving the poor? Am I healing others?

I have been asking amiss. In prayer, I have not sought to be like Christ before asking the Lord to answer my prayers. My heart is not like His. Not truly. I was still being selfish and clinging onto things that I just didn't want to let go of. I know that trust requires me to stop clinging and to fully surrender. In this way only can I glorify him and become a tzaddik (tzadik/tzadika - female/tzaddiq or saddiq in Aramaic). 

Tzadik - Wikipedia

I am still unraveling the mystery He revealed to me during Holy Week when he spoke directly to my heart and he is leading me down a distinct narrow path, but darkness abounds. I have been dealing with spiritual attacks for the past few weeks (the weeks following Holy Week). I'm not surprised that the evil one would want to come after me hard following the consolations during Holy Week. This confirms even more to me that I was drawing nearer to Him.

Last week I was very distressed, and talking to my ex (who was a minister) made things a little worse. I was feeling as if God used me as an instrument to bring others back to him, only to leave me in the dust. But this is not true. I rebuke this. I was upset that someone, who destroyed my heart in so many ways, is now praying for ME and telling me I am not following Christ's words. It was probably a truth I just wasn't willing to hear in that moment. I, in fact, was not following what was clearly and plainly laid out in scripture. I wasn't really following the equation, and I was wondering why my "result" wasn't equating with what I thought I was putting in.

It was me, not him. I was in a bad place. A negative place and with a spirit of fear which was not given by God. It's not his fault. He has learned and grown a lot.

God had to break him. Unfortunately, it was painful for me as well and I was present with him during the time before he surrendered to God again. God's grander plan required me to play a part in his story as much as he is playing a part in mine. I do not blame him. I give love fully to him and I support his new rising ministry. 

Please pray for me and help me to renounce these evil spirits, as I know I have work to do here while I'm on this Earth.

Love, and truly IN CHRIST,

Nicole

Me Singing Ave Maria in Latin with Rain Sounds

https://youtu.be/bS1D86X_KAk?si=92Ce27Mrs-LDiBNV

Here it is! A video of me singing Ave Maria in Latin with rain sounds in the background (for 12 1/2 minutes).

This is a Unicorn thing. I never sing out loud in front of people (not since I was little). This is my first time using this microphone and I don't have much of a set-up, but hopefully I'll get better at putting things like this together and making it good quality. Especially if I do ASMR.

My voice went wonky a couple times, lol... but it's okay. It's the Hail Mary Prayer! I also sing more softly at the end and the last minute or so is just rain.

Something happened to me in my life at some point where I stopped singing. I stopped dancing. I lost my spark and let life eat me up. I will try to stand in confidence and get my spark back! 

Ave Maria (Hail Mary)

Ave Maria, gratia plena,

Dominus tecum.

Benedica tu in mulieribus,

et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus.

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei,

ora pro nobis peccatoribus,

nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae.

Amen.

Unbound Prayers (Five Keys for Deliverance)

These prayers can be used when praying with someone else for freedom using the Unbound model, or you can use them when praying alone to work through your own issues and struggles. It is recommended that you pray these prayers out loud whether with someone else or praying alone. To learn more about the Unbound model of deliverance, heartofthefather.com. 

 FIRST KEY: REPENTANCE AND FAITH 

• Make acts of faith in Jesus as Lord and Savior, acts of trust, surrender, and gratitude such as “Lord Jesus, I believe in you,” “I believe in your great love for me,” “Thank you for dying for me,” “Thank you that you are stronger than any situation,” etc… 
• Make acts of repentance such as, “Lord Jesus, please forgive me for…”, “Lord Jesus, I repent of…”, “Lord, I am sorry for…” 
• (Be sure to confess all sins in the Sacrament of Reconciliation) 

SECOND KEY: FORGIVENESS 

• “In the Name of Jesus, I forgive [person’s name] for [specific thing they did]…” 
• If needed, you can forgive yourself using the same form of prayer. 

THIRD KEY: RENUNCIATION 

Spirits 

Renounce anything you are feeling or tend to feel as a pattern in your life that you know is not from God, e.g. anger, hatred, lust, pride, fear, anxiety, fear of intimacy, etc…: 

• “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce the spirit of…” Lies Renounce the “beliefs” that are not part of God’s truth that tend to govern your thoughts, e.g. I am not lovable, I am a failure, God is not good, All love fails, etc…: 
• “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce the lie that…” 

Curses 

Renounce words that others have spoken to you that were negative in nature and exert power over you (E.g. You are a failure, You are stupid, You don’t matter, etc…). 

• Curses: “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce any spirit that was at work in [my mother, father, husband, wife, etc…] when he/she said [state what they said], and I break the power of those words over my life.” 

Vows 

Renounce words that you have spoken that were binding in nature that contradict God’s plan for you (E.g. I will never trust anyone, I will never forgive myself, etc…). 

• Vows: “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce the vow I made when I said [state what you said], and I break its power over me.” 

Occult 

Renounce any participation in occult activity – e.g. fortune tellers, Ouija boards, mediums, etc… - or any New Age activity – e.g. Reiki, energy channeling, transcendental meditation, etc…. Also renounce any words that were spoken to you by anyone involved in the occult, especially about your life, your future and your relationships. 

• “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce any spirit that came to me when I [occult action e.g. visited the fortune teller] and I take back the authority I gave to him/her.” 
• Or, “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce any spirit that operated in [name of the fortune teller, palm reader, etc…] and I take back the authority that I gave to him/her.” 
• Curses: “In the Name of Jesus, I renounce any spirit that was at work in [name of fortune teller, palm reader, etc…] when he/she said ______, and I break the power of those words over my life.” 

Soul ties 

Renounce any bondage that formed between you and someone else because of sexual activity that was outside of marriage. 

• “In the Name of Jesus, I break every physical and spiritual tie with [name] and I take back what I gave to him/her.” 
• In the case of sexual abuse/rape: “In the Name of Jesus, I break every physical and spiritual tie with [name] and I take back what he/she took from me.” 

FOURTH KEY: AUTHORITY 

Once you have done your forgiving and renouncing, give a simple word of command: 

• “In the Name of Jesus, I break the power of every spirit that I have renounced and every related spirit and I command them to leave me right now.” 

FIFTH KEY: THE FATHER’S BLESSING 

• When praying Unbound prayers by yourself, the Father’s blessing can be done by reading words of Scripture that contain God’s words of love, delight and blessing over his people (read it as applied to you). Or, use a journal and write down words of love, delight and tenderness that you think God would say to you. 
• Examples of Scripture passages with God’s blessing: 
• 1 John 3:1-2 ▪ Jeremiah 29:11 ▪ Isaiah 40:11 ▪ Jeremiah 31:3 ▪ Luke 3:21-22 ▪ Zephaniah 3:17 ▪ Romans 8:37-39 ▪ Romans 8:14-17 ▪ Galatians 4:6-7 ▪ Isaiah 62:1-5 ▪ Psalm 103:11-14 ▪ Matthew 11:28-29

(Unbound Prayers PDF courtesy of Office for the New Evangelization ▪ Archdiocese of Philadelphia ▪ phillyevang.org/unbound)

People with Dementia Still Remember Jesus!

https://www.churchpop.com/elderly-woman-with-dementia-amazingly-remembers-jesus-in-viral-video-he-will-take-me-home/

I see this every day at work! Especially on Sundays when the memory care residents are singing hymns and they remember every word. They can say a beautiful prayer, then speak incoherently most of the rest of the time (or barely speak at all). I’ve even seen the lowest cognitive residents sing along! It’s truly beautiful & powerful.

As I was praying over a resident who was passing last week, I told her to not be afraid and that Jesus loves her. Her eyes, which were open and staring out, then became very wide. She was very low-cognitive but I would see her singing along with the hymns and sometimes she would be singing the correct words. ❤️ 

Her mind and body are fully restored now, in the arms of Jesus. 🙏

Update to Aramaic Translations: Divine Mercy

I just realized that one of the meanings of the word sedaq/sedaqah (one of the words Jesus recently spoke to me in Aramaic while drawing attention to the heart) actually means justice (and righteousness). That is also the meaning of the pale ray in the image of Divine Mercy as Jesus revealed to St. Faustina. 

She said, “During prayer I heard these words within me: 

“The two rays denote Blood and Water. The pale ray stands for the water that makes souls righteous. The red ray stands for the Blood which is the life of souls ...

These two rays issued forth from the very depths of My tender mercy when my agonized Heart was opened by a lance on the Cross.” (Diary, 299).

I also heard Jesus’s words within me and revealed in a very similar way. He was gesturing toward the heart. Was he telling me about his divine mercy? 

Saints concern themselves with the langauge of the heart—what is right and true

I was worried for a bit that I might seem crazy… or even worse, disingenuous… particularly regarding the messages I’ve received in Aramaic. But you know what? I really don’t give any flips what anyone thinks and I refuse to let myself be preoccupied by what others might think of me. What I share is true and right and “sedaq”, as Jesus would say 😉. From the depths of my heart, I speak the truth and I’ll stand by that with an unwavering faith that would make demons wail and scatter in fear. 

Michelangelo’s Risen Christ

I think this image of Christ is powerful and beautiful. It’s Christ, resurrected, and “naked without shame”, having fully redeemed the dignity of the body and restoring creation to the purity of its origins! ❤️✝️ 

(Someone on my Facebook said that she didn’t like the naked version of the risen Christ. My first thought was “who told you that he was naked?” It’s our broken hearts that might make us uncomfortable, but it never was supposed to be like that. I wish we could all have our purity and dignity restored in such a way that we can see the body as fully beautiful again without twisting or shame. I continue to think this art is meaningful and lovely.)

From the Theology of the body Institute:

“But what has not been endured by Christ has not been redeemed by Christ. In order to restore nakedness without shame, Christ would have had to endure in some way nakedness with shame – as, indeed, he did.  Stripping their victims naked was part of the gruesome spectacle of Roman crucifixion, and Christ endured this indignity “heedless of its shame” (Heb 12:2). Indeed, he endured this indignity of the body to redeem the dignity of the body! Interestingly, both the Gospels of Luke (24:12) and of John (20:5-7) mention that Christ’s burial coverings were left behind in the tomb after his resurrection. The Catechism teaches that, together with the empty tomb, this signifies that “Christ’s body had escaped the bonds of death and corruption” (CCC 657).”

#risenchrist #michelangelo #art #theologyofthebody #theologyofthebodyinstitute #tob #easter #christ #heisrisen

Encountering Jesus during Holy Week - Aramaic Translations

I went into Holy Week with some pretty significant failures. To be honest, this was probably good because I felt like I had been going through the motions in prayer and in life and was lacking a feeling of remorse. I was even starting to feel a little bit of resentment and frustration toward God creeping in.

On Holy Thursday, I spent some time with Jesus in adoration. Something happened that hasn't happened in 14 years! He spoke 4 words to me in Aramaic.

When I first sat down to spend some time with him, he rejoicingly said, "You're here!". I don't think this is meant in the sense that I was physically there, but more so that I've finally come to meet him and his heart, and it's taken all my life to get here to this point. 

I started firing off a bunch of questions and he pretty much told me to be cool. Haha. 

He kept assuring me, saying, "I am here." ... "I am here." And he is always here. He is in my heart. 

Instead of answering questions right away, he knelt down, and with a green towel over his shoulder, he washed my feet, just as the priest did for 12 of our parishioners earlier during mass. He did that in silence for a short time. Afterward, in response to an important question, he led me through with more questions to ponder. Was I ready to let go of certain things? What fear was blocking me from letting go? What was I really holding on to that would be there if the other thing was not? As for the question that has been weighing heaviest on my heart... ultimately, I had to answer the question of whether, if all the who's and where's and why's were taken care of, would I really be ready in my heart for the things I was asking for?

Jesus spoke 4 words in Aramaic to me again (which hasn't happened in 14 years). He had me repeat it with him multiple times as he drew focus to my heart. Then (even though I was questioning when I first got there how long I should stay and how will I know when I should go), he told me to go in peace and made sure I knew that it was time and he had given me what I needed in that time.

I am no Aramaic scholar, but I did some translating the next morning on Good Friday of the words he spoke the night before. I'm not sure if the actual translation of the words is what is important. It's what I get from it that is really meaningful. Some people may think I'm just nuts, but I don't care. It means something to me and brings me where I need to be. It creates a change in my heart that moves me closer to Him. And this brings others closer to him as well. I know that at least some people don't think I'm nuts (haha) and have even been moved and inspired. One lovely woman in particular that I became acquainted with from the CIY (Catechism in a Year) group has asked me for suggestions in deepening her Catholic Christian belief (as well as nutrition and training advice after seeing my progress!). What I shared with her was very helpful for her and I'm glad I could have an impact.

The 4 words Jesus spoke sounded like:

Lamach, Sedach, (undiscernable vowel sounds), Elee (?)

The most prominently and loudly spoken were the first 2, the others were harder to make out.

Lama (In Aramaic, Lema) basically means "why have I been kept?" The "ch" is a gutteral consonant.

Sedach (Sdq/tzadaq/tsedeq) - Righteous. Uprightness, lawful, rightful. Legitimacy. "Hereditary right". 

in Aramaic, (Saddiq) - “What is right. What is true.” It is known as the way of life.

Sedeq/sedaqah - Justice. Righteousness. Concepts in terms of relationships: between man and man according to social customs and norms, and between man and God according to a special covenant.

Vowels - (Long sigh or breath or wind with no consonants). I translated this myself as being YAWEH or YHVH, the proper name for God, since I've heard that the true name of God is unutterable and like a wind.

Elee/Eli/Eloi - Eli/Eloi - My God, My Heart

Eleos (oil) - soothing. Eleison - Mercy (soothe me, comfort me, take away my pain, show me your steadfast love).

My takeaway from these translations?

Basically this...

Why have I been kept - What is true - God - My heart

He is telling me to open my heart... Why has he been kept away? Open it to what is true and right. To let God into my heart. He IS my heart.

(Also, I might ask myself “why have I been kept? For what purpose am I here?”)

I know that this is true, because as I was explaining everything to my aunt and I read out loud to her what I had translated in the end, I started crying.

Jesus asked me, "Are you ready to love right now? If all is taken care of, are you ready? 

....

These messages usually come to me in meditation or prayer... in moments of silence, when I reach out with my heart, and the way I "hear" him is by way of the heart. Sometimes I've heard things audibly and sometimes I see visions... glimpses or thoughts that come into my mind. 

My first vision of Jesus: "Don't Forget Who You Really Are" - Dancing with Jesus (2009)

I know not everyone experiences that or can understand necessarily, but that doesn't matter, and He speaks to us all in ways that are best for us and in ways that we can understand. If any of my testimonies so much as touch the heart of another, then that means everything. And maybe the only person whose heart will hear it is me. That's okay, too. 

Read the word of God. Understand through that how he speaks to us. Pray in your own way and show up to worship at mass. What's important is your personal connection and relationship with him, because He is a person. Just spend time with Him. When you pray... ask less, and open your heart more, so he can see everything. Even the things you might try to hide. His love is unfathomable to us humans and His mercy is always greater than our weaknesses.

ETA (4/6/24)!!!:

I just realized that one of the meanings of the word sedaq/sedaqah (one of the words Jesus recently spoke to me in Aramaic while drawing attention to the heart) actually means justice (and righteousness). That is also the meaning of the pale ray in the image of Divine Mercy as Jesus revealed to St. Faustina. 

She said, “During prayer I heard these words within me: 

“The two rays denote Blood and Water. The pale ray stands for the water that makes souls righteous. The red ray stands for the Blood which is the life of souls ...

These two rays issued forth from the very depths of My tender mercy when my agonized Heart was opened by a lance on the Cross.” (Diary, 299).

I also heard Jesus’s words within me and revealed in a very similar way. He was gesturing toward the heart. Was he telling me about his divine mercy? 

I Surrender My Failure

I don't think I've ever failed quite so hard during Holy Week before. My heart is stupid and broken and I'm surely in need of prayers.

I'm neither stupid nor crazy, but I feel both. I went out for a walk tonight and I was walking so fast, I must have been trying to run away from myself and my sin. I finally slowed down and looked into my heart and allowed God inside. I can't help but feel like I can use this situation for something good. How can I unite my failures to Christ right now? In my surrendering all of this and all of myself to the Lord, can I actually see this as an opportunity for the highest good and save the world by entering into suffering? Perhaps failing this Lent was a gift. Perhaps this whole weird thing I've been challenged with is a gift. Learning how to direct all of this up to God is actually setting me free.

I surrender my failure.

In the Storm...

If there's one thing the past two years have taught me, it's that this world is not Home.

When the rug is pulled out from under me and I struggle to grasp on to the last thread of the world, rain and stormy winds whip my eyes and I cannot see. Darkness surrounds me and waves thrash my body. I reach out my hands to feel for the foot of the cross, the only thing that's real... the only thing that I can hold onto that won't fade away when the curtain drops and this farce of a world falls away for good. My hands touch Christ's feet. We leave this world only with what we gave. The truth is revealed in the greatest of Graces. Hidden in our true heart's knowing, the depth of God's Love.

(I will not let the evil one convince me that I have no choice but to fail. Or that my faith is dispensable. I will choose the harder road that doesn’t go against my heart. We will eventually lose everything and everyone. All will be stripped away. God is showing me by stripping away the things and the people I thought would always be there, to show me He is all I really have. I’m still a little in denial about the impending loss of someone who was one of my dearest friends of 25 years.)

Desire Mercy

 

When Your Faith Is Put to the Test - Bishop Barron's Sunday Sermon

"Do you love the benefits of God, or do you love God?"

This actually reminds me of one of the messages I heard this year, which I believe was Jesus speaking to me. 

He said to me, "We planted roses in the Garden of Gethsemane". At the time I didn't know fully what it meant, but I knew it had a lot of meanings. I wrote a poem and another blog post about it. Now, hearing this statement, which is a central question in the spiritual life, I think of the image of planting seeds and doing labor, not knowing if or when anything will grow, but trusting and loving God, even when the benefits aren't visible.

It is for Him.

Only Jesus is worthy of the ridiculous kind of Love I have to give from the deepest depths of my heart… and only he is worth the yearning I feel in my spirit. I spent so much time lamenting the love from my heart being wasted, but it is not wasted! How silly I’d been. With so much love to give, I see now that it is you Lord who openly receives it. You see me. You know me. And you TRULY love me. My desire to take your pain is understood by you. As is my deepest want—to dwell in you as you dwell in me. All of my overwhelming desire bleeds into your cup and you drink. I know you desire me fully, as you have already poured out your desire for me, in giving all of yourself, for me to consume. I don’t have to be afraid.

God doesn’t give warnings because he doesn’t know what we’re going to do—He already knows always and forever all that ever was, is, and will be. He knows how everything will play out. He knows everything we have ever thought or will think... From the Beginning. But He often will show us that we need Him, and gives us the opportunity to need Him by letting us fall. He proves to us repeatedly that without Him, we are but dust. When we disobey him or his warnings, it’s for us to see. For us to look back and reflect on how we should have listened and what a mess we make of things on our own.

More Merton…

 

Denial of God and His holiness (Merton)

Moving through changes

 

The new person I’m becoming (and a new future) can’t come forward if I stubbornly won’t let her or if I hold on to old preconceived ideas of who I am or what my life is. I can’t stay still and expect changes to happen. I have to move. And I have to move THROUGH these changes. I can get in my own way!

Despite all my whining and protesting, you still speak in ways I understand and I know you love me. You are always close, Lord. ❤️

(Does “step aside” also mean to deny my Self?) 🤔 

#godsvoice #messagesfromgod #holyspirit #holyspiritmybestfriend

God is legit funny.

 

All Men are Secretly Cucks: The Madonna/Whore complex

JBP on the Madonna-Whore complex

I recently saw a clip of Jordan Peterson discussing the Madonna/Whore complex and it made a lot of sense, particularly in observing men and my experience with many of their fantasies. 

Most married men do, in fact, WANT to view their wife as pure and virginal and they are likely to put them on a pedestal. But men also want a little bit of whore as well. And since they don't want to view their wives in this way, men may have the propensity to cheat and go find that "whore" in someone else (or turn to porn) because they feel that the "dirty" part of themselves can't turn their own pure wives into the whore of their deeper-seated fantasies. This hurts the dignity of the marriage, and that of the person who is the "whore".

In order to maintain sexual and psychological interest, men need to feel a little unsafe, uneasy and unsure... that there is the sneaking danger that the woman he loves could cheat on him or find someone else. That she could leave him and find someone more sexually fulfilling. This danger aspect psychologically keeps a man invested. 

I've seen and heard a lot of things in my day, and quite frankly nothing surprises me. Usually if someone has one particular fantasy (X), it's pretty textbook that they'll also like Y and Z. The secret to remedying the possible dilemma of unfaithfulness due to their latent cuckoldry lies in accepting that ALL WOMEN CAN HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF WHORE IN THEM. 

Yes. It's true.

And women shouldn't be afraid to let a little bit of that side out in the realm of fantasy with their husband. Shared fantasies are healthy and lead to a stronger bond and fidelity. 

So, ladies... treat your husband like the pathetic little cuck he is ;-) , but also... remember that you are still pure. It's all in good fun and play. We don't have to take ourselves so seriously all the time, especially in the bedroom. Sex is not a duty, it's Love-making--with your best friend. It should also be fun!

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

 

Tonight in prayer, I spoke to Jesus, telling him about my distress. I told him that I did in fact feel forsaken. Toward the end of my prayer, I asked for guidance and asked Jesus to be with me and if there was something he wants me to know right now. He told me “Matthew 27.” I did not remember what Matthew 27 was , exactly. But when I read it and found that it was where he cried out to God “Why have you forsaken me?” I feel that he was consoling me and telling me that he has felt this, too. That he has been there, he is with me, he has cried out the same words and felt the same way, and I am not forsaken… he died so that I will have Hope. Even in the darkest times. God exists outside of time, and he sees things from an eternal perspective. We may feel like a bug thrashing around and wriggling sometimes, but God loves us and our suffering is not in vain. If we ask “but who am I?” He will tell us exactly who we are, and remind us why he did this for us. We are so loved and so important to the creator of this world, that he gave everything and exsanguinated himself fully on the cross for us. We are worth that much. THAT is who we are. And we, as beloved sons and daughters of God, can be a light in this world to tell others WHO THEY ARE, in case they forgot…

Untitled

My body is not for use, but for poetry, my love. If your fingers don’t speak of the soul and passion and destiny… if they don’t tantalize me and terrify me with a dark streak of cruelty, don’t dare take your ink to my pages.