Healing from the Wound of Sin (and The Hero's Journey!)

I just watched this video today and it's pretty much exactly what I was thinking on yesterday. I was standing in the kitchen last night, chatting out loud with God as I was cooking dinner. I was thinking back on my past and the things I've done and ways in which I disrespected or misused my body or my sexuality. I started remembering things I had forgotten, even. Then I started thinking, "Wait... wow, I'm a total dumpster fire!" But even though I may always carry the scars of my wounds, I do not regret my past because it has given me an opportunity to come to God with true remorse. To be able to offer this to him and receive his grace. There's a certain gift that comes in the form of our wounds and our deep genuine yearning for forgiveness. If I had not done these things, perhaps the depth of my love, gratitude and my pleas for redemption would be shallow. His healing couldn't get in unless I was first cracked open. I am not perfect. 

When I was younger, I was very much attracted to dark things and the goth and BDSM aesthetic. I was even a dominatrix for a short time back when I was about 19 or 20. When I remembered this yesterday (yeah, I had actually forgotten lol) I was like wow... I can't believe I forgot that part of me, but God remembers... so how will he forgive me? How can I, of all people, aspire to be a saint after doing some of the things I've done? After going to Genitorturers concerts??? After all the stupid situations I put myself in?

I think God enjoys a story of a Hero's Journey just as much as we do. If you're not familiar with The Hero's Journey, it's an archetypal narrative structure found in stories from all around the world, first introduced by Joseph Campbell in his book "The Hero with a Thousand Faces". This fundamental monomyth structure is found in countless stories from Jesus' story to Star Wars to The Matrix and Harry Potter. I remember studying Campbell's structure when I took screenwriting classes in college. We all like watching characters overcome and go through a transformation. Before they come to a transformation though, they must first be called to adventure (in our case following Christ) and then the second step is the refusal of the call (this is maybe where we fall and succumb to sin). Some of the other steps include trials/friends/foes, a moment of despair and ultimately a resurrection of the hero and their return/rebirth.

Maybe I've gone a bit off-topic, but maybe not. My point is, every Hero has wounds. Otherwise, the character would not be relatable, and we wouldn't love them. Realize that God loves you not despite your wounds, but because of them and he yearns for your need. He also delights in your ability to overcome, to bring the elixir or knowledge which is the true reward of your journey and transformation, and to finally return home.

I have to add that I absolutely adore Father Mike Schmitz and I have been scouring through all of his Ascension Presents videos, the Theology of the Body Seminars, as well as his Bible in a Year Podcast (and soon the Catechism in a Year!). He offers so much to the suffering human soul and it's obvious that he really cares about people and has a very pure heart. I believe that God leads me to certain people and things for a reason. I gravitate toward what is good and true, and I feel uneasy, anxious, prickly, sometimes even dizzy or nauseous around those who either do not have pure intentions or are in some way or another "off". The material that I've seen from Fr. Mike (and a few others) has been very uplifting for me and resonates in a way that feels like "home", if that makes sense. Sometimes when I listen to some other speakers, I get a feeling like I'm not good enough, not holy enough, or I don't know enough. I appreciate him and all that he does. I'm very grateful for God leading me to him and all of the enriching, inspiring information he shares. He's such a bright light. 

(By the way, there is absolutely no relation between my blog Ascension Shore and Ascension Presents/Ascension Press. It's pure coincidence.) 

Discovering God's New Name for Me

When we think of God giving new names, we might think of Abraham, Sarah and Peter, to name a few. When God does this, the new name represents a change he is bringing about in us. The name reveals the essence of the person. Wherever we may be in life, God sees our potential and is changing us with his grace. With this change comes a new purpose and a new destiny. 

I received my new name in 2010. I didn't realize back then that God could give new names to us. I now use this name as a "nom de plume". It is not my intention to hide my identity, however, the name has a significant meaning for me and really resonates with my soul and my purpose. 

One night, after looking through Carl Jung's Red Book, I was unable to sleep. I kept hearing these words in my head repeating over and over, loud and clear, "Nehara--that's YOU!"  I finally gave in and looked it up. It turns out that it is an Aramaic female name meaning "Light"! That really hit me hard and the fact that it was in Aramaic was meaningful to me in a deeply personal way. 

Aramaic is the language that Jesus spoke, and it is a dead language.  I've always felt a connection with Jesus. His soul. Even during the many years that I was lost and misguided. Before I reverted back to the roots of my Catholic upbringing. God knows I like solving mysteries and that if he speaks to me in a language I have to decipher, I will have validation that it is not just from my own imagination. I believe Jesus spoke to me that night. This name is very sacred to me. It’s a name that I have never heard of before. I honestly believe that this message was not a deception or false light, and I really have been trying to use discernment when it comes to the messages and visions I have received over the years. I can tell which experiences may have been leading me astray, but not this one.

I chose the last name Seraphine, but perhaps was guided to. It is a Hebrew name which means "the burning ones". It is a name used in the Bible for the six-winged angels with wings of fire that surround the throne of God. It also means "to burn" or "to set on fire".  The seraphim in Christian angelology are the highest-ranking celestial beings in the hierarchy of angels. 

ser·aph

[ˈserəf]

NOUN

seraphim (plural noun)

1. an angelic being, regarded in traditional Christian angelology as belonging to the highest order of the ninefold celestial hierarchy, associated with light, ardor, and purity.

There is a strong recurrent theme in my life of holding darkness to the fire--of burning and purification. I wasn't really familiar with the meaning of the name when I picked it, I was just drawn to the name.

As sons and daughters of Christ, it makes sense that he would give a special name to us. Have you received a new name from God? Have you always felt that your name should be another one in particular? 

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, to him I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, and a new name written on the stone which no one knows but he who receives it.’ (Revelation 2:17)

 He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God, and he will not go out from it anymore; and I will write on him the name of My God, and the name of the city of My God, the new Jerusalem, which comes down out of heaven from My God, and My new name. (Revelation 3:12)

ETA: As I was writing this (revised version of an old blog), about the name Jesus gave me in Aramaic, The Golden Girls was on in the background and Sophia said "...the language Jesus spoke". Oh my GOSH if that's not a sign, I don't know what is. Dorothy mentioned he spoke Hebrew, but I'm pretty sure it was Aramaic. :-) 

The Bride

I've searched the eyes of man for love

In each and every one I saw Him

A beauty from above-- 

The brightest pieces of my soul, reflected

Intensely desiring a connection

a mystical union

that does not exist here on this plane

Skin whispering truth to skin

Wound me and I shudder--set my heart aflame

I came to know their suffering

and I knew their suffering all too well

Even wounded men who claimed to be holy

destroyed my spirit, took of my flesh

Spoke cruel profanities to my soul with a drunken breath

Opened wide my aching gaping heart

To be pierced by a hot spear of desecration

No human can truly know another's soul 

We are so broken

We may find comfort in our brokenness 

In the embrace of warm skin

We can pretend that we tell truth with our bodies

But who takes our tears into him?

Who can cradle our heads and wash us clean

With no intention of pushing inside, taking, wanting, erasing 

To not pluck you from the earth but water you and feed you so that you grow

To delight in your fragrance and colors

Knowing that he already resides within you

Seeing himself bloom

He sees your light

Where is the truth?

Here I am, a hypocrite, an imposter, a sinner

I still think lies taste good

But they leave you hungry

For real nourishment

I still want my heart to be seen

I struggle because I know no man will see me

But God does

God knows our hearts

His lack of touch increases faith but makes one lonesome

If I had found love 

Never truly suffered pain

Would I speak to Him at all 

would I still cry out to the heavens

from the floor, on my back

Never hear His call?

It wasn't my destiny, so it seems.

or maybe it could change.

To cease to change is death, they say.

I'm on my knees

now in a different way

Am I in earnest or am I just a wounded child

My sacrifice, God sees. When no one else can.

May He touch us so deeply that we feel the expansion in our hearts 

and shiver from the ecstatic passion of His sanctifying grace,

Holy sacrifice, 

and pure love. 

Revamp!

Please bear with me! I am going to be revamping my blog and will be writing a lot of new material that focuses more on God. I'm not going to hide or clear out everything, though, as this is part of my past and my past is a big part of my soul. I always felt a strong connection to God, as misguided as I may have been. I have so much that I want to share. I'm excited to finally be inspired by truth and by Christ, and I hope and pray to be better for God.