I was feeling deep despair in my heart tonight and was having thoughts that I really can't do this anymore (my life). I went for one of my late-night walks to get some fresh air, but without any music. It was cold, but not frigidly so. Still, I bundled up in a winter coat, scarf and beanie because for some reason crying makes me cold. I'm glad I did have that on, though, because it started lightly drizzling and it made it comfortable--even pleasurable--to bear. It was close to midnight and there wasn't a car on the road. I could only hear cars on the highway in the distance. Usually, even at that time of night, multiple cars would annoyingly pass me in my neighborhood, but I didn't see one human on my entire half-hour walk. The breeze lightly rustled the fall leaves, and I could hear the light drizzle of rain tapping on the shoulders of my jacket. The beginning of my walk, I was still weepy and taking desperately pained breaths as I called out to Jesus to help me. I passed some houses that had Christmas lights up already and thought of how Jesus came to earth as an infant. This started to bring some peace to my heart. Then I approached a house that had a sign outside of the front door, partially covered by part of the house. I could only read the word "COME" out of the whole word "Welcome". The house next door had a similar sign of the same size, and it read, "HOME".
COME HOME.
At first, I thought, "am I going to die soon"? Then I thought, "But what if you were? What would you do?". For some reason this calmed me. What is the MOST IMPORTANT thing I could do?
I observed the beauty of the orange leaves on a particular tree as my legs carried me forward, walking as if on autopilot. Not even feeling my legs moving, just looking around as if I was on a ride. I thought of how I would often look out the car window quietly as a child, just observing the world around me and not really having any thoughts, just being present. I still do this, and people sometimes wonder what I'm thinking. I am literally present with God's beauty and no thoughts sometimes.
My brain circled back around to what is most important. I always say, "Love, Love...", but how vague. I realized, despite my kicking and screaming, maybe I actually do want to be a mom. Due to my woundedness, I never saw myself becoming one or desiring to be one. For some reason, I thought there was "more" that I wanted and settling into family life was a weak choice for me. I wanted different things growing up. I used to want to be a filmmaker. I never saw an example of a healthy marriage or family, so I had no basis for comparison. I wanted to avoid it at all costs. Perhaps now, I see the gift of the power to create life as one of the most important things one can experience on this earth. My attempts to reach this were disordered most of my life. Always seeking the spark. The thing that ignites the fire, but never stepping into the fire. I wanted more and more, but never was satisfied. I feel that squandering this gift of creating life would be a real shame. But I can't do it alone. I need the whole trinity, as a mirror of the Holy Trinity. Unfortunately, I was called to exist for my mother for most of my life and became her caregiver by myself. I'm not sure what my future holds at this point, but I was holding mostly terror in my heart about it until I realized that maybe I always wanted to just give Love. And maybe that's actually OKAY. This is looked down upon in our culture and I really believed that I wasn't respectable because I didn't end up making a living at a "successful" career. Family members voiced their disappointment in me in the past because they thought I wasted my intellect. I still judge myself in this regard. I still feel deep down that no one would love me enough to put up with my crap and my lack of success in an esteemed profession. How boring would I be if I were to simply just love? To take care of a home and husband? I felt that I would never be dangerous enough for a man to want to stay if I was simply just a "good wife". This may be a lie, but experiences taught me otherwise. Maybe my wounds kept me bound for too long. Now that I'm loosing my binds, perhaps I can give fully and totally in this way (the right way) before it's too late.
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