Charisms and Discernment

Charisms

In Day 113 of The Catechism in a Year (The Temple of the Holy Spirit), Father Mike Schmitz briefly discussed the concept of charisms, and I found it very helpful.

A while back I was questioning how to discern these gifts from God and was referred to Fr. Gallagher's book, "The Discernment of Spirits", based on St. Ignatius' 14 Rules for discernment. The book was very helpful and insightful, but it didn't really speak on discernment of charisms specifically or what we are supposed to do with them and what they represent. However, I can still apply the rules to the discernment of the charisms. 

When it comes to the charisms I have, some extraordinary and some humble, I have often oscillated between feeling like I'm a nobody and no one cares or listens anyway, to feeling like I'm special in a way that others aren't (not better, just selected for something important), and also afraid to share some of them for fear that people will either think I'm full of crap or full of myself (or both). I also felt at times that maybe it all meant nothing, and I am, in fact, full of self-important crap. 

But it does mean something. I reject the enemy's tactics and the pulling down on my heart in effort to keep me away from God! (I took this screenshot of something else I was writing. I don't know why I wrote the enemy's line in screenplay format, but I guess old habits die hard--a screenwriter at heart. All inner dialog is kind of like a screenplay in my head anyway.)

Even in writing this post, I experienced a wavering movement in my heart to desolation, hearing the enemy trying to dissuade me from speaking on these things.

I've had visions, precognitive dreams and auditory messages (even spoken to me in Aramaic, which I do not know at all). I've been able to lay hands on someone and see dark/stuck energy in my mind where they ended up having an issue that I was unaware of. Christ has used my hands to heal and gave me the words to say when laying my hands on them, before I even knew what to say or how to really pray properly. (When I did this for my mom on one occasion, results were the very next day, miraculously.) God also speaks to me directly in signs around me, answering questions intelligently, and I also have an inside joke with God! I feel like talking about this stuff either sounds woo-woo or arrogant. I spent so many years thinking that my gifts must have been more suited to Shamanism, having "psychic" gifts, or in line with other new age healing modalities. I didn't realize that charisms were a thing and that it was still Christian to have certain gifts. I still feel a little unsure about talking about these things because they sound a bit extravagant (or maybe not extravagant enough). I just don't want to come off as arrogant. I only want my gifts to help others, if they can. And the gifts aren't always consistently there at my disposal. Most times, I can't control them, or I am utterly surprised by them, myself. Especially after the fact. I might look back and say... "Hey! I was right about (whatever it is)!!!"

Besides the extraordinary ones, I also feel that I've been given humble gifts of compassion, selfless love, empathy, nurturing touch, being a skilled massage therapist, certain gifts of a sexual nature, writing and having a way with words, teaching, creativity, strong intuition, the ability to absorb, synthesize and apply a broad body of knowledge to help others, a gift of natural healing as well as medical understanding and knowledge, and... the heart of a poet. There are probably more, but those are some that came to mind first.

The idea that these charisms aren't just to be kept hidden with me alone in a room, but are there to help build up the church--that the holy spirit works through me to strengthen the whole body which I am part of, really makes me feel better about sharing these gifts with other people. I don't need to worry about comparing my gifts to others' and feeling inadequate or jealous or boastful. I am a body part with the same holy spirit that is shared within the body. 

Discernment and Desolation

I feel that I am able to discern what is from God and what is not, therefore what is ultimately fruitful, as well as the interior movements in my heart toward or away from God. In this awareness and understanding of these movements, I can accept what is the work of God and allow it to strengthen me as God intends, allowing me to respond in fullness to that divine love. I strive to overcome and reject distortions that aim to separate me from God. Ignatius' fifth rule states:

"In time of desolation, never make a change, but be firm and constant in the proposals and determination in which one was the day preceding such desolation, or in the determination in which one was in the preceding consolation. Because, as in consolation, the good spirit guides and counsels us more, so in desolation the bad spirit, with whose counsels we cannot find the way to a right decision."

If we find ourselves confused or in darkness, Ignatius' guidelines can be a shining light in these times along our spiritual journey. 

We should also remember to stay spiritually balanced by not being too spiritually high or low--remembering to have a humble heart in a time of consolation when things feel good and anticipate that there will be another time of desolation.  Similarly, it's good to remember all that we are capable of when we are in a time of desolation and wait with patience for the next consolation.  

It's kind of like staying inside a rubber band and gently moving up and down, barely letting the edges of the band stretch. If you go too high, the rubber band stretches far into one direction and will ultimately catapult you into the other direction. The key is finding a sweet spot in the middle and not being too "spiritually manic".

 Some of My Experiences

I had quite a few experiences with the prophetic in childhood that somewhat startled me, and I think that God will never give us what we are not willing or ready to endure. The prophetic visions kind of eased up as I got older (or maybe I was just a rebellious kid, moving myself away from God) and then they returned again in my twenties, but more so in dreams. Now, I go through phases where God talks a lot for a while and then stays quiet for a while.

I still remember to this day (I must have been in first grade because we still had nap time), I was lying on the floor trying to sleep and I saw a vision of the Teacher's Assistant (who hadn't arrived to class yet and was late) having some sort of accident and hurting her neck. I also saw her in a neck brace. Not even a few minutes later, she came through the door with a neck brace on. She had been in a car accident. I don't even know if it happened that day, I just remember I was very upset and thought maybe I had made it happen. 

One of the first meditative visions that I can recollect happened when I was in my early to mid-twenties.

"After slipping into a heavy meditative state, I found myself on a rock in the middle of a vast and endless body of water. To my right, I could see an island across the water with a forest of trees." 

I would see this place in a few more visions. I called this island "Ascension Shore", which I also named my blog after. I got it from some Peter Murphy lyrics, and it seemed fitting.

I sat at the sandy shore on the island with my knees to my chest. Someone was sitting next to me.

"Are you Jesus?", I asked. "Are you my Animus? Who are you?"

We sat in silence for a few moments. Then, without words, he took my hand. The sound of a trumpet blowing in the distance filled the air. 

I didn't realize then the biblical significance of a trumpet blowing. It's a call to assembly. On the day of the Lord's return a trumpet shall sound in heaven to gather his elect. Perhaps the trumpet sounding will come in this way, and not sound for everyone to hear? That could be up for debate.

Then there was beautiful music, and we began dancing. He swirled me about and just danced with me. No words needed to be said. There was a waterfall beside us and I heard the sound of rushing water. (We were either wearing white or surrounded by bright white light.) The experience was so pure and beautiful. I felt a heavy aching that gripped my core and I started crying (I was actually crying as I was meditating, trembling and tears rolling down my cheeks).

I told him I was sorry and that I didn't know why I was crying. I felt very emotional. He said God loves all of his children. He let me know that I need to learn to love myself. The last thing I remember before coming out of my meditative state were the words, "Don't forget who you really are".

I realized later on that when we were dancing—wearing white and surrounded by white light—what had happened was similar to Mathew 17:2: 

“2 There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light.”

One could argue that this could be a false spirit. However, I feel that the message is uplifting and was driving me closer toward relationship with God and my first true calling to the remembrance of who I really am. God was always close to me. I often felt him speaking to me, and his angels protecting me. Even when I had strayed, especially in my dark moments, I felt that I was being held.

One of my most profound experiences, which I hold sacred and dear, was being given a new name from God. I detail the experience here: Discovering God's New Name for Me 

I actually heard the words in my head, and the fact that it was in Aramaic proves, to me, that it was not from my own imagination. I do not know any Aramaic, and I certainly wouldn't have known that the meaning of the name "Nehara" was "Light". I never had any doubts or moments of desolation regarding this particular experience. I’ve had many moments of desolation regarding other visions and experiences, but never about what happened in this moment of spiritual consolation.

To contrast this experience, I want to illustrate an example of what distracts from God. 

I had taken this post down, but I put it back up to serve as an example of what is not of truth and not from Christ. It details a Shamanic vision quest or "Journey to the Underworld" from quite a few years ago.  It's a slightly lengthy read, but it's entertaining none the less. You can read the whole thing here: Journey to the Underworld - The Phoenix and the Abyss 

It may have had some nuggets of truth, archetypal symbolism or helpful tidbits. Even some healing techniques. But all in all, it was spiritual drivel. It showed me how to die to the self and allow my flesh to decay so I could rise from my own ash, but did it ultimately quell my deep-rooted fear of death afterward? No. Only Christ can do that. Did it bring me closer to God? No, it was concerned with the Self, and did not move the heart closer to God. 

I'm so grateful to be learning more about discernment, charisms, and the depth and fullness of my Catholic faith that I've been brought back to. The Love and Desire that God has for us is unimaginably magnificent and deeper than anything I've found in simply being "spiritual". It's more beautiful and truer than anything I've ever experienced. I'm so thrilled to be on this journey as I learn more about my own heart and God's. 

Purify your hearts NOW

I know it may sound like just pretty words or New Age "woo-woo" to tell people to purify their hearts. To open your heart and let God in. Like, what does that even mean? But it's so important to learn how to do this RIGHT NOW. Why? God wants to know your heart. We don't know how long we have, and we need to take these opportunities of sorrow to show what's inside our hearts to God. When life breaks our hearts open, it exposes the inner workings of our hearts for God to see. It's like our own resume--our curriculum vitae, if you will, of our capacity to Love. It's how God can assess how much and how deeply we have loved. The hard part is letting God peek inside when we are hurting. Our natural reaction is often to push away. We don't want to let him close and sometimes even begin to lose our faith in times of loss or grief. We question, "Why?". Well, technically, this is why. If you have suffered a lot in your life, one could argue that God loves you especially. Because he wants to keep looking into your heart and wants to be close to you. This isn't an easy thing to accept. Especially when we lose those we love. Our final judgment can come at any time, and we should be prepared. My hope is that you hurt. I hope you hurt because it means you have really loved. I hope that you are able to open up and let God in to peer into all the corners and cracks of your heart, leaving no dark spaces uncovered, and that all is visible. Let him see the vulnerability and pain--let him see the blood and the vessels and sinewy tissues inside. Let all be exposed. In this way, we purify our hearts.

For the first time, I intentionally opened my heart to God while in the midst of suffering and loss. These past several months have certainly been strange for me. There was a succession of deaths following my mother's recovery and part of me can't help but wonder if it's some sort of universal law of energy exchange where reality demanded a sacrifice after pulling her away from the precipice of death. Does this happen? I could definitely feel God's hand in my mother's miraculous healings, and I just wonder, since energy cannot be created or destroyed in this physical world, if it had to be borrowed. We can't take a patch away from the fabric of reality and leave a hole, nor can we sew fabric on top of the fabric. I hope this idea doesn't sound occultish or too "Dr. Quantum" lol. But the number of losses in the timeframe of the past few months is just highly improbable, statistically speaking. 

I haven't gone into too many details about my mother's condition before, and I'm still not sure I want to at this time, but she has endured so much. Perhaps part of her being saved was a chance to truly purify her own heart, and mine, as this whole experience brought me back to my Catholic faith, and that had an impact on her, resurrecting her own faith as well. As long as there is breath in our lungs, there's still a chance.

The path isn't straight--it’s a non-linear, “wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey” path that only God knows.

This road is hard. You can lie to yourself when you are isolated in a bubble and pretend that it's easy. That you won't fall. That the road is a clean, straight-shot if you just do this, this and that. If you just avoid temptation completely. But you can't avoid it forever. You can't always avoid those dark backroads. You will find yourself on them. And when you do, you will make a choice. You won't always choose the right thing. Most of the time, you will be strong. But sometimes... Sometimes you will fall. But it's how you pick yourself up again that matters. Don't allow yourself to spin out of control or lie down, defeated. The road is hard so you can get better each time you fall--so you can grow and build character. Just like muscles, you train them by challenging them and putting stress on them, over and over. Breaking them down to build them up. Don't fret, little humans. This is why we're here.

Hypergamy and the Rise of Childless Women

(Read article HERE)

Even with my history of dating nerd-metalhead-alcoholics, or hippie-goth-philosopher-theologians, or some horrendously catastrophic amalgamation of all of these stereotypes (or musicians lol), I still have had a few men admittedly state they were emasculated by me; either feeling sexually inadequate or intimidated intellectually. I also, unfortunately, admit to having interest wane once realizing I’m on a higher intellectual level than a partner or potential partner. Evolutionarily it makes sense for women to be hypergamous—with an inclination to date across and up their social status— It is more about ensuring survival for offspring and exhibiting intelligence, perseverance/drive and overall good health than it is about “going after money”… Good grief, not at all. It’s difficult for women to date these days with women outnumbering men in universities (6 women for every 4 men). It’s no wonder women who pursue higher education are winding up childless in their 30’s. At my age, I pretty much have come to conclude I’m doomed. Haha.

Oddly enough, sometimes the ability to make a girl laugh trumps being on a higher social/intellectual/attractiveness level. Comedians/actors I’ve dated had a really high level of performance/drive/confidence that boosted their spot on the status hierarchy. Look at Roger and Jessica Rabbit… When Eddie asks her, “What do you see in that guy?”, She says, “He makes me laugh.” 😉

Also, having a dark or sarcastic sense of humor is for some reason attractive to me. I guess sometimes it just comes down to having a certain je ne sais quoi (in terms of attractiveness). Having a big ego is pretty gross, though. Inflated pride is ugly. Having passion and creative talent is awesome. And showing kindness to those that can do nothing for them in return (animals, children etc.) is super hot. 

Joy and Woe (And Babies?)

"Joy and woe are woven fine, 

a clothing for the soul divine..."

This quote from a William Blake poem has been so very true in my life, especially more recently. 

Growing up, I never really wanted marriage and family. Having babies was far from my vision of my future. I was kind of awkward around other people's children and didn't care to gush over pictures of their chubby jellybean offspring. While other girls in school did school projects on their future selves having a husband and children, I wanted to be a filmmaker and screenwriter in Hollywood. I envisioned myself alone, living by myself, creating art and being free from the chains of a life where someone held me down or forced my direction. I wanted to be able to do what I wanted, and not end up living someone else's life instead of mine. I majored in film production in college, but ultimately, living that kind of life was not in God's plan for me. Nothing ever really came to fruition, and everything was always a struggle. 

I glamourized the life of a loner in my mind (I even got my motorcycle license to further enhance my sense of "freedom") and really, I was living a selfish life. Not selfish as a PERSON, but I didn't have to be responsible for anyone else's life. Not until I became a caregiver for my mother when she was sick and nearly died. 

I wanted passion, but I skirted away from settling down. I wanted love. I wanted a soul mate. I wanted to have sex with that person all day on every inch of the house and on every piece of furniture, but never really desired kids. I thought maybe I might want one child if I met the right person. Perhaps I clung to this independent vision of life for far too long. I even subconsciously sabotaged a relationship with someone who had a young child a long time ago. On some level I knew that's not what I wanted to be. I didn't want to be "Mom". I was almost married twice. I was engaged to someone for a very long time, and my last relationship I thought was going to be “it”. I lived with him and his cat, Moksha, for three years before God forced me out of that situation to care for my mom. Ultimately, our relationship was toxic and we work better as friends. I do enjoy my alone time and I enjoy reading and working out on my own schedule, but I wonder if my soul is meant to have a family or not. 

Now that I'm turning forty this year and approaching the point where I may not be able to have children of my own or a family at all... it's kind of hitting me differently. Especially since I'm the youngest person in my family, with no siblings, no nieces or nephews and no children. I used to fear the idea of watching everyone I love die before me and then having no one. That is becoming a very real possibility now. I also wonder if I'm squandering the gift of what it is to be a woman. To experience the gift of giving birth and fulfill my purpose as a woman. What if I never get to experience that at all? Am I okay with that? Have I wasted my being here on this Earth?

Now I'm left wondering what God's plan for me actually is. Will I ever even find the kind of love that strengthens my relationship with Christ and prepares my heart for unity with his? Can I hold out for that? Will I have the kind of sex with someone that not only doesn't close the door on God, but invites him in and is truly giving and unselfish? Can I feel someone so deeply inside me that they inhabit my entire being? Their soul within mine and mine within theirs? Maybe it's just the same little girl inside me that wanted to believe in Santa Claus that still wants to believe that there is a mate for my soul--not to complete me because I'm incomplete or anything, I know I am complete, but to be my compliment in every way--the one that God has always intended for me. I probably have always wanted that above all else, and I always ran away if anything told me it was less than exactly that thing. The thing that is right. This might all sound like ego-drama, but what I really am searching for is my place in the grand theo-drama, and how I fit into this theological play that I feel so deeply written into. My essence yearns to be one with the grand Love Story.

While there is a longing and pain in my life, I also feel an overwhelming joy as I draw closer to the Lord.

This whole past year has been woven with both joy and woe. Even when driving exhausted to and from the hospital every day when my mother was there, I would sometimes catch the golden morning sun glimmering off the Utah mountainside and be struck by its awe and beauty. I almost felt guilty for the sense of peace that would come over me. But this golden light was a foreshadowing of God's love and his impending miracles and blessings that he would bestow. He certainly did surround my mother with his golden healing light and showed me how to lay hands upon her and what words to pray, before I even knew what to say. I will never forget everything he has done. Everything he has given. The movements he caused in my heart and the rippling impact on those around me. He saved my mom's body and life, but that saved ME. And she was saved again (her soul) when I then brought her back to God.

Lent and Transmutation

Earlier today I was discussing with a friend how, when thinking about what to sacrifice for Lent, there has to be a transmutation, not just a replacement. It's not enough to just remove something and then arbitrarily put something good in its place so that you can swap them again after Lent. The original thing should be changed into something good. Its nature should be changed. We can't create or destroy energy, ourselves, but we can transmute.

What does Jesus want from me that I'm not giving him? What can I sacrifice for the good of another? Better yet--how can I transform something in myself for the good of another? What makes me squirm in discomfort to think of giving up or changing? That's how I know where my heart is--and that's what needs transmutation, so I can be closer to Christ. What does a healed version of that thing look like? The word sacrifice means "To Make Holy". How can I not only give up something, but be changed within? How can I be more holy?

Have I been putting any of these principles of transmutation into practice in my life lately? I think I have, in fact. Especially when it comes to transmuting distorted or disordered desire--lust--into something spiritually nourishing.

I've recently met a couple people through the Bible in a Year/Catechism in a Year groups who I'm really grateful to have met. Yes, they are men, and yes, initially they approached me with sexual interest or invitations, but my response in the moment where it could have gone either way--a spiritually damaging relationship of use and reductivism, or a spiritually nourishing relationship of sacredness--transformed the entire dynamic. People feel safe sharing things with me, and I would never shame anyone or make them feel dirty or guilty. However, I did not encourage the continuation of behaviors that are damaging, but instead emphasized the sacredness of sexuality. One of them has actually become a sort of prayer accountability partner now. We encourage one another to pray the rosary, go to confession, go to mass, and our discussions definitely go deeper than it would have if I indulged certain behaviors. Now, it was a bit of a challenge at first, because I'm kind of like Roger Rabbit with the old "Shave and a Haircut"--It's kind of hard for me to resist things like that, and not take them to levels that are UNHEARD of. Lol. But, I am proud of this. It may seem like a little thing, but I actually think it's a pretty big deal. We are all transformed for the better. 

I feel like the theme lately in my life is transmutation. This time of Lent is a perfect time to really focus on things in my life that are possibly twisted and in need of transmutation. I will likely be meditating on this a lot over the next several weeks.

Desiderio

In another life

I could have found bliss in the worldly things.

Making love by French doors, cracked open,

on some Parisian balcony.

Billowing curtains and the smell of rain.

Thunder muffling tender gasps. 

Finding ways to kill the pain 

of ending up without you.

Desiring more...

It's never enough. 

Bodies come together and pull apart--

Always left separated, alone, wanting again.

Crying out to you on my back, on the floor;

You yearned for my need.

Called me to more.

In the dark, you held me--

Whispered into the cracks of my broken heart.

My purpose was never mine to keep.

I surrendered my life to save another--

You pulled me from his grasp.

Maybe my last chance at being a mother.

I left him in my past.

I'm back in this place you keep calling me to.

A place that's not quite home.

In another life 

I could have loved what the world had to give.

You knew my light would never be so bright

without bringing me into the dark.

To the gentle breezes of your urgings, I let myself bend and sway. 

With joy, I surrender. I have no idea where we are going, but I'm with you all the way.