"Joy and woe are woven fine,
a clothing for the soul divine..."
This quote from a William Blake poem has been so very true in my life, especially more recently.
Growing up, I never really wanted marriage and family. Having babies was far from my vision of my future. I was kind of awkward around other people's children and didn't care to gush over pictures of their chubby jellybean offspring. While other girls in school did school projects on their future selves having a husband and children, I wanted to be a filmmaker and screenwriter in Hollywood. I envisioned myself alone, living by myself, creating art and being free from the chains of a life where someone held me down or forced my direction. I wanted to be able to do what I wanted, and not end up living someone else's life instead of mine. I majored in film production in college, but ultimately, living that kind of life was not in God's plan for me. Nothing ever really came to fruition, and everything was always a struggle.
I glamourized the life of a loner in my mind (I even got my motorcycle license to further enhance my sense of "freedom") and really, I was living a selfish life. Not selfish as a PERSON, but I didn't have to be responsible for anyone else's life. Not until I became a caregiver for my mother when she was sick and nearly died.
I wanted passion, but I skirted away from settling down. I wanted love. I wanted a soul mate. I wanted to have sex with that person all day on every inch of the house and on every piece of furniture, but never really desired kids. I thought maybe I might want one child if I met the right person. Perhaps I clung to this independent vision of life for far too long. I even subconsciously sabotaged a relationship with someone who had a young child a long time ago. On some level I knew that's not what I wanted to be. I didn't want to be "Mom". I was almost married twice. I was engaged to someone for a very long time, and my last relationship I thought was going to be “it”. I lived with him and his cat, Moksha, for three years before God forced me out of that situation to care for my mom. Ultimately, our relationship was toxic and we work better as friends. I do enjoy my alone time and I enjoy reading and working out on my own schedule, but I wonder if my soul is meant to have a family or not.
Now that I'm turning forty this year and approaching the point where I may not be able to have children of my own or a family at all... it's kind of hitting me differently. Especially since I'm the youngest person in my family, with no siblings, no nieces or nephews and no children. I used to fear the idea of watching everyone I love die before me and then having no one. That is becoming a very real possibility now. I also wonder if I'm squandering the gift of what it is to be a woman. To experience the gift of giving birth and fulfill my purpose as a woman. What if I never get to experience that at all? Am I okay with that? Have I wasted my being here on this Earth?
Now I'm left wondering what God's plan for me actually is. Will I ever even find the kind of love that strengthens my relationship with Christ and prepares my heart for unity with his? Can I hold out for that? Will I have the kind of sex with someone that not only doesn't close the door on God, but invites him in and is truly giving and unselfish? Can I feel someone so deeply inside me that they inhabit my entire being? Their soul within mine and mine within theirs? Maybe it's just the same little girl inside me that wanted to believe in Santa Claus that still wants to believe that there is a mate for my soul--not to complete me because I'm incomplete or anything, I know I am complete, but to be my compliment in every way--the one that God has always intended for me. I probably have always wanted that above all else, and I always ran away if anything told me it was less than exactly that thing. The thing that is right. This might all sound like ego-drama, but what I really am searching for is my place in the grand theo-drama, and how I fit into this theological play that I feel so deeply written into. My essence yearns to be one with the grand Love Story.
While there is a longing and pain in my life, I also feel an overwhelming joy as I draw closer to the Lord.
This whole past year has been woven with both joy and woe. Even when driving exhausted to and from the hospital every day when my mother was there, I would sometimes catch the golden morning sun glimmering off the Utah mountainside and be struck by its awe and beauty. I almost felt guilty for the sense of peace that would come over me. But this golden light was a foreshadowing of God's love and his impending miracles and blessings that he would bestow. He certainly did surround my mother with his golden healing light and showed me how to lay hands upon her and what words to pray, before I even knew what to say. I will never forget everything he has done. Everything he has given. The movements he caused in my heart and the rippling impact on those around me. He saved my mom's body and life, but that saved ME. And she was saved again (her soul) when I then brought her back to God.
There’s a lot there. Do you desire the lust but not the responsibility that goes with an all consuming love? Are you longing for a child because of the timetable, or because it’s what you truly desire? You already know the answers if you dig deep enough? Love is forever, lust is fleeting. Or do we just desire what we don’t have.
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts are genuine and honest. ❤️
No, no. Perhaps I was unclear. I don't desire lust. I never envisioned a family life or having children, but I desired Love above all else. That's what I'm examining here within myself--the question of whether now that it's crunch time, maybe I'm feeling I could be missing out on something important and amazing. But in all reality, I never truly desired that before. I never chose it. I'm not speaking of lust here. I obviously want more than that, and lust is insipid. I always wanted something that I never quite found here on this earth. I realize that I need to free creatures from the responsibility of fulfilling only what God can fulfill. There's a certain yearning and hunger... a longing and Eros that nothing of this world can satisfy. However, I still believe in love and I still believe in soul-sex and divine union. Sex is so wonderful and beautiful. I've always known this, but rarely experienced from others the kind of exploration I wanted.
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