"This is the Eleventh Hour" (Plus A Prayer Request)

Quite a few months ago, I was awakened from sleep by an audible message--a man's voice saying, "This is the eleventh hour." Although a common idiom, it does have biblical significance and I feel we are truly going through this "11th hour", not only in our personal lives but in the world as a whole. Biblically, it marks the confused and disorganized time before 12, when Christ will return as King of kings. 

I spoke to my father today for the first time in a while. We are not close, but we are on good terms and we're at least friendly acquaintances. This is the same man who, if you don't already know, cheated on my mom and left when I was 5, pursuing life as a bodybuilder, Chippendale dancer and model. He was also a used car salesman for much of his life. So naturally, talking to him is usually a one-way street and it's always difficult to get a word in edgewise.

This past Christmas, he revealed to me through text message his plan to go overseas to Iraq, being offered a large sum of money by a friend of his to do some kind of work there. This was the most idiotic thing I've ever heard him say. He's not exactly the shining example of good decision-making. Plus, he's 65 years old. He struggled financially all his life and his life has been hard for him in general. Most of his decisions are either motivated by money or some other selfish endeavor. This is no different. He has lost almost everyone in his life--family and friends--and all he has left is me. He actually said on the phone... "You're it", meaning I am all he has left. He realizes this and he is scared of his looming demise. He's scared about what little money he will have after his retirement and he's ready to book it to the middle east, instead of trying to mend things with family. I'm "It", and yet it's still not enough to stay. So, he's going to leave me yet again. I even extended the opportunity for him to move from Florida to Utah, where I'm currently caring for my mother, in a house that has extra rooms.  He dodged any further discussion on that and launched into more complaining and woe. He has the choice to choose love, once again, and to make a choice of humbleness and to live simply. But I fear that this is his last opportunity. This really is the eleventh hour, and for his soul, I fear it most certainly is. The last time I implored someone, unsuccessfully, to not close their heart off from love (a former seminarian in his late 50's, who was also my instructor in massage school), he had a heart attack and died about a year later. 

I don't really know how to get through to my father and I have a hard time speaking to him. Most of the time I stay very quiet when we speak, unless he pushes a particular button and I get angry. Lol. He does know of the sacrifices I have made in my life recently for my mom, and he has seen in the last year, a huge difference in me. He mentioned a spark was lit under me and he can see I am living life as the best version of myself. I have God to thank for that, fully. It has made an impression on him. But I need God's help with dealing with my father. I can't even contextualize my thoughts into words when it comes to speaking to him. I so often just start to say something but then shut down. He has an answer for everything and an excuse. It's easier to just stay quiet. But I really can't let him do this. To some extent, he's going to just do what he wants to do, at his own peril. I will ask him one more time to open his heart... and perhaps he will make a choice with a heart that's open to mending. Open to love. A heart that is like Christ's.  Please pray for him, and for me.

Homily for The Epiphany of the Lord (Fr. Mike's Homily)

This is it--the answer I was looking for. 

Father Mike completely nailed it in his Homily for The Epiphany of the Lord. It's so weird that he talked about this today (as I write this) and I feel as though God worked through him to answer my heart's aching.

Last night in prayer I was asking God how I could love him better and what sacrifice I could give to be closer to him. Jesus gave his body to us, so how can I give him my body as well? How do I give him the ultimate gift of myself? I became somewhat distressed and started sobbing.

I asked,

"How can I love you, really love you?

How can I be closer?

How can I sacrifice for you? What can I give of myself to you?

How can I be a gift to you?

How can I be your bread and your wine?"

I did feel Christ comfort me and address me as "My daughter, my sister, my wife". 

Then today, this homily about sacrifice really hit me hard. God has asked us to worship him, and Worship--the heart of what it is to love God--is SACRIFICE.

What is our sacrifice? Mass. That is our literal sacrifice. "The point of mass is to offer the sacrifice of the son of God to the father." (To love God.) 

"Jesus is not just the priest who offers the sacrifice, he IS the sacrifice that's offered. And so are you."

"Lord make of us an eternal offering to you. Make of us an eternal oblation to you. Let us be--our lives--be a gift."-- this is it! I'm floored at how my question was answered right here. It was right there under my nose, and I never knew... or I just didn't realize. 

I'm very grateful for God speaking his truth through others in this way. I worry sometimes that people may see me as disingenuous in seeking closeness with the Lord (or even worse, that I doubt my own genuineness or intentions), but I know it's just the enemy trying to instill doubt through desolation. I've always had God's light inside me. Hence, the name "Nehara" that Jesus spoke to me audibly many years ago... It's an Aramaic female name meaning "Light". (I wrote briefly about how it came to me HERE.)

Give God access to all of yourself. Share with him your hopes, your fears, your love and your weaknesses. He wants to know you, too. May we strive to be like Jesus, and may our life, our sacrifices, and suffering unite us to him, as one flesh. 

Closer Still…

I take your body into me

Made flesh by the fruit of woman's vine

and the wheat stalk's seed

part my lips and let my tongue know your flavor

caress my insides with your passion for me

come, find refuge in my depths

and rest, warmly in my sanctified heart

I drink your love into me

Body of my body

and receive into my being

the sacrifice of your entire self

in all that you could give

every drop of blood

You thirsted for my knowing

I thirst for you to be closer

closer still...

(I may possibly be misunderstood here by some.. this is not for those people, then.)

#poetry #mypoetry #prose #christ #eucharist #eros #tob #eroticlove #agapelove #theologyofthebody #communion #jesus #jesuschrist #loveletterstogod 

I edited this a bit because I used the word assimilate Lol… I just kept thinking of the Borg. Kinda threw off the vibe. 😂

 

Eros Prayer

While taking a hot bath on New Year’s Eve, I actually had a really good, long meditative prayer session. I experienced the turning up of Eros to prayer, and I wrote this after. It’s hard to explain it… I just wish that everyone could experience that opening up of the heart and that strong, passionate, erotic love turned upward to God. It’s so filling. I could just burst. I want to work on doing this more and see what happens. 

Eros Prayer

Open your heart

And feel this love

So fierce it rips your heart open

Filling, overflowing

Oh dear God let your love inside

For all of you I shed blood tears

My soul would scream for a thousand years

If I never felt this love again

If I knew you couldn't feel this too

~

Oh dear Lord hold them

Sanctify their hearts

Lay your Holy Spirit upon them

Envelop them in your warm embrace

Cradle them in your womb

Break their hearts and get inside

Break their hearts and get inside

~

I say this prayer for all of you

From my heart

Allow yourself to feel

This Love

Broken Humans, Broken Hearts

Sometimes in life, all I had to offer was my heart... and you know what? That's enough. 

God always wanted me, and on some level, I've always known I was his. Even when I was living sinfully and misused my sexuality, never did that minimize the size of my heart or my capacity for loving others or God. I always had his "light" inside of me. (The name Jesus gave me in Aramaic actually means "light".) I am far from perfect, and I know that I still need God's help. My wounds are great. But my heart is bigger. My seeking to be closer to God is in earnest, as is my desire for Christ to reveal himself to me. 

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, though, that on Christmas eve, when I was speaking to my aunt and the idea of my living a consecrated life was mused upon, uproarious laugher ensued at the dinner table. Even though I don't think that is the path God wants for me necessarily, I was still a bit salty about her reaction for some reason. Am I that dirty, tainted and sinful? Is it that hard to imagine that I could seek holiness, or a life lived for God? Was she uncomfortable because she's LDS? 

About five months ago, I was drinking my pre-workout and warming up, dancing around in my living room alone and most likely looking ridiculous if anyone were to see me. Out of nowhere, a piercing conviction was laid upon my heart by the Holy Spirit and a realization hit me. I had actually forgotten this part of myself because my life had changed so vastly since then. My life has been so focused on helping others and healing over the past 10-15 years--Working as a massage therapist, studying nutrition and integrative medicine, then in the past year becoming a caregiver for a family member and now doing recreation therapy with elderly dementia patients. But about 20 years ago, when I was 19 or 20, I was a dominatrix for a short time. It wasn't anything too crazy. Most men were into humiliation, denial and instruction and not really into anything rough at all. Excuse me for being blunt, but it's a truth about me and I have no need to harbor any shame about it anymore. In fact, sometimes all I did was hold space for someone to feel safe sharing things with me which made them feel shameful. I would even at times only hold someone's head and stroke their face and hair. People just really want to be loved at the core. I am not condoning sexual sin or the misuse of sexuality. It most certainly is a twisting of the divine gift we are given, and that is between God and me. He knows my heart. 

When I brought all of this to God with remorse, I initially felt so lifted and light. I know in the Parable of the Lost Sheep, Jesus says he delights in the one sheep coming back to the flock, but I noticed something strange happening within me. I started liking my story a little too much and was falling in love with it a bit. Let's pull on those reins, there. 

I am far from perfect, and I still struggle. I can see there are still distortions. I'm a mess in so many ways! I'm just another broken human with a broken heart that needs mending and God's sanctification. We must all keep our eyes focused on Christ--not creatures. We can be inspired by God's creations, but we need to be wary of making idols. "The human heart is an idol-making factory", after all. I'm quite aware of this, as I've become aware of myself doing this many times in the past. It's easier to do than you think. None of us are perfect. Let's forgive one another and ourselves and always remember that we are in constant need of God's help, mercy and love.

We are love, and we are OF love. 

My Love, Outside of Time

 

I had a vision tonight while trying to sleep and wrote this poem below. I understood from a perspective of timelessness, my purpose here right now… Part of it is to connect my heart to Christ, at the time of his passion, from here now. Perhaps it is part of all of our purpose to do this at some point. Whenever it is.. the time is still perfect, because God exists outside of time. However, Jesus no longer is suffering in eternity, because he already did what he needed to do (“It is done”), but it was done so I (we) can be here.. and he can feel us. (I finished editing this at 3:16. 👀)

(I saw a vision of Mary

Split open down the center

Pages with written words 

Could be seen inside

Symbolizing her carrying the Word within her.) 

And then I saw you…

 

My Love, Outside of Time

I am here, my love, outside of time

Comforting you in the hour of your passion

You knew your fate

But you had to clear a path of light

For us all to be born

So I could look upon you now

My love, outside of time

As you were then

And console you through your tears

You were scared, as am I 

Your heart bled, as does mine

I want to take your pain away

But you must go

So I can be here now to take your hand

I can see it now, soft and slender 

I clasp the air 

and know you feel my heart

My love, outside of time

You came to me in dreams to show me love 

that I have never felt on this strange Earth

And left me weeping when I awoke

Hours upon hours 

Over a love so strong 

and unfathomable to creatures

Is my passion calling too?

Please come back, 

My love,

Outside of time

Nothing else matters

All I need is you

Jesus, sweet baby, there is no worse pain to me than your suffering.

Reading more from Revelations of Divine Love tonight and this stuck with me. Can we love Christ so much more than ourselves that there is no pain that could be worse than his suffering? I was sitting here thinking of how I always thought of Christ as being older than myself, since I look up to him, but he was six years younger than I am now when he died. His poor precious body endured so much pain. If I think of him as my own lover or as my son--as someone whom I love more than myself--there is no worse pain to me than someone I truly love suffering and I would rather take their pain upon myself because I can handle it. I felt the same way with my mother when she was suffering and nearly died. I had always wanted God to heal my spine condition, but when my mom couldn't handle all the pain, I asked God to not heal me, just heal her... and he did. He gave us many blessings. When I thought my mom was dying, it may sound weird, but I thought of her as my "baby". Perhaps I was seeing her as God sees her. All sweet things that suffer needlessly I see as a baby--innocent and vulnerable. Undeserving of pain. Jesus is my "baby", too. Can you see him as your "baby"? Could there be no worse pain to you than seeing your sweet love suffer?

This is also getting closer to answering my questions of how I should relate to and come to Jesus to deepen my relationship with him with lingering father wounds. I had been trying to make sense of the type of intimacy to have with him and how to go about it (without making it sexual). I wanted to approach Jesus with a sanctified heart and able to love purely and without corruption. I have to realize that the type of intimacy is not like that of an earthly father or father figure types who would take of my flesh, but more like that of an innocent baby that *I* want to protect! Someone whose pain I want to take away and can't bear to see them endure it.