Sometimes in life, all I had to offer was my heart... and you know what? That's enough.
God always wanted me, and on some level, I've always known I was his. Even when I was living sinfully and misused my sexuality, never did that minimize the size of my heart or my capacity for loving others or God. I always had his "light" inside of me. (The name Jesus gave me in Aramaic actually means "light".) I am far from perfect, and I know that I still need God's help. My wounds are great. But my heart is bigger. My seeking to be closer to God is in earnest, as is my desire for Christ to reveal himself to me.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, though, that on Christmas eve, when I was speaking to my aunt and the idea of my living a consecrated life was mused upon, uproarious laugher ensued at the dinner table. Even though I don't think that is the path God wants for me necessarily, I was still a bit salty about her reaction for some reason. Am I that dirty, tainted and sinful? Is it that hard to imagine that I could seek holiness, or a life lived for God? Was she uncomfortable because she's LDS?
About five months ago, I was drinking my pre-workout and warming up, dancing around in my living room alone and most likely looking ridiculous if anyone were to see me. Out of nowhere, a piercing conviction was laid upon my heart by the Holy Spirit and a realization hit me. I had actually forgotten this part of myself because my life had changed so vastly since then. My life has been so focused on helping others and healing over the past 10-15 years--Working as a massage therapist, studying nutrition and integrative medicine, then in the past year becoming a caregiver for a family member and now doing recreation therapy with elderly dementia patients. But about 20 years ago, when I was 19 or 20, I was a dominatrix for a short time. It wasn't anything too crazy. Most men were into humiliation, denial and instruction and not really into anything rough at all. Excuse me for being blunt, but it's a truth about me and I have no need to harbor any shame about it anymore. In fact, sometimes all I did was hold space for someone to feel safe sharing things with me which made them feel shameful. I would even at times only hold someone's head and stroke their face and hair. People just really want to be loved at the core. I am not condoning sexual sin or the misuse of sexuality. It most certainly is a twisting of the divine gift we are given, and that is between God and me. He knows my heart.
When I brought all of this to God with remorse, I initially felt so lifted and light. I know in the Parable of the Lost Sheep, Jesus says he delights in the one sheep coming back to the flock, but I noticed something strange happening within me. I started liking my story a little too much and was falling in love with it a bit. Let's pull on those reins, there.
I am far from perfect, and I still struggle. I can see there are still distortions. I'm a mess in so many ways! I'm just another broken human with a broken heart that needs mending and God's sanctification. We must all keep our eyes focused on Christ--not creatures. We can be inspired by God's creations, but we need to be wary of making idols. "The human heart is an idol-making factory", after all. I'm quite aware of this, as I've become aware of myself doing this many times in the past. It's easier to do than you think. None of us are perfect. Let's forgive one another and ourselves and always remember that we are in constant need of God's help, mercy and love.
We are love, and we are OF love.
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