Love, Sex, and Honesty

(Warning: Contains sexual language and erotic themes. If you think you might be offended or can’t handle reading things of this nature… don’t read it! K thanks bye. 😘👋)

I have been single for almost a year now and I am adamant about doing things right this time in my life. I pray that God uses me as he sees fit and that my will conforms to his. During this time of being single, I am not wasting my time--I have so many beautiful fruits from the Holy Spirit and works that I have yet to perform. I know I have a lot to learn, but I'll get there in my own time. 

We all have a past, and none of us are perfect. I certainly have my struggles, but my will is strong, and I have proven to myself many times that I can do anything I set my mind to. I may be single for a long time and that's okay. I may never be called to marriage, even. The idea of not having sex for a very long time or ever again is kind of--Gggckck--Sorry, I gagged in my throat a bit there. (I'm okay. I'm okay.) The idea of it is pretty distressing to think of, but I don't think God wants that of me... not permanently, anyway. But you never know. Not to sound arrogant, but it's kind of one of my gifts. I NEED to give of myself, and I delight in letting myself disappear into someone and feel what they are feeling, from within them. 

One thing that Tantra taught me, back when I was into it, was how to be present. Instead of leaving my body during orgasm and flying around in the ethers, unrestrained and uncontrolled amidst throaty moans and growls that emanated from the depths of my belly that was still planted on the earth, I was able to remain present and connected to my partner during climax and maintain eye contact... maybe syncing breath or literally feeling the other person's climax as my own.

I am honest about these things, but my honesty shouldn't be mistaken for weakness or loose boundaries. Sex is beautiful and sacred, but I'm not a slave to desires. I have done well with redirecting eros up to God into prayer. Although I admit I've stumbled a very small number of times in the past year when it comes to self-pleasure. If I go quite a long time without and then if there is a release, I will usually have ESO's (extended state orgasms) that have multiple peaks but roll into one another, so I'll have like 4-8 in a row that can last around 30 minutes. It's kind of annoying.   

If I do stumble, I will try not to let the enemy convince me that everything is a loss. I am human. I am in need of God's help, and I trust in him. He knows better than me what my life is for. My actions have definitely changed in my everyday life, and things that maybe I would have allowed or indulged before, I am changing my response to. Especially in my interactions with men. Ultimately, I feel in my soul that no matter the depths a man could possibly reach--physically or emotionally--nothing could fill me and satisfy my deepest longings in my heart but Jesus. If I ever find someone who will walk the path with me to a deeper communion with him, cool. If not, I can walk alone.

(And now you have Greenday in your head. Haha.)