The Journey

The weekend of Halloween, my best friend Rachel and I decided to go on a little "journey", with the help of some friends of ours who happened to be mushrooms.

I had never done mushrooms before, so I wasn't sure what to expect, but I found that I felt more myself than ever.  I normally tend to see the flow of everything and the interconnectedness of everything and all energy anyway. I seem to sense things and see things in ways that many other people normally aren't cognizant of in their every day lives. During my trip, there were many moments of profundity and sage-like postulations about the universe etc., which is quite common to the conversations Rachel and I normally have. We were definitely more connected--directly connected--and on the same wavelength. Completely comfortable... the same person almost. I was aware of everything and had no doubts about anything. I just knew. I didn't think, I knew. It's as if the Universe opened up to me, and I could see everything through that crack in the sky.  I could see a clear path, which pointed straight to my purpose and direction.  I knew exactly what I wanted, from simple moment-to-moment things to bigger, long-term things. There was also a childlike, simplistic view of the world. It was kind of pure and everything flowed with no worries, no pain... just happy, wide-eyed wonderment.

It was quite hilarious because since it was cold that night, we were both walking around with blankets draped over our shoulders, which enhanced our feeling like little gurus while we were talking about deep subjects.
 
I find myself now with a sense of longing. I am craving something (and I don't know what), but it's not food or drink or material possessions.  I felt so close to something so much bigger than my everyday self, and now it's just sort of fading away.
 
It's hard to really explain some of the things that I saw and felt and knew as truths. One of the things that happened was a sort of revelation while listening to the live version of "Pushit" by Tool, off of the Salival album.  I experienced something kind of interesting. It's hard to explain, but I want you to try to feel what I'm saying, not just hear it. It's kind of important to know when listening to those lyrics that Maynard was sexually abused by his step-father when he was about 11.   As I was lying there just immersing myself in the song, I felt what he felt. I was there in that dark place. HIS dark place (it wasn't my own anymore). I felt hate, anger, rage, power, disgust, sickness, pain and shame.  I was both him and his step-father. Then, I realized I WAS that dark place. I was the darkness and the light. I was the hand that caressed him when he crawled inside that dark hole to hide.... The hand that clasped his in comfort. I was the hand, and I was everything...everywhere...and I saw all. The universe opened up to me.  Everything culminated and condensed down to one thing. This one thing was symbolic, and what I saw was (him?)... shrinking down to a fetal position and this image of a fetus is where everything ended (and began). When I tried telling Rachel about some of this, she told me that what she saw BEGAN with the image in the fetal position. I thought that was pretty interesting.  Kinda cool.  It's really hard to explain it all through language. Language seems so meaningless.