I'm here, but where are you?

I cannot stay

I cannot stay. In this hour. With my weary bones, wrought soul, bleary eyes.

You knew I would.

You wrote the book.

Of course you knew.

I couldn't stay awake.

The Big, Happy, Beautiful End

Happy are you who mourn

Jesus did not hide his tears, but he entered fully into being human

and wept.

Happy are you

and happy are we

when we are fully alive

When we fully feel

When we are fully present

and allow our hearts to break.

Happy are we to know and to love those who we will lose

to walk with them through their valley

knowing time is short

Those who are close to death have taught me how to truly live

to look at the birds

to feel the breeze

to say "how beautiful it is" 

about anything.

Everything is beautiful when you're walking slowly toward the end. 

and all you have is NOW.

The simplicity of a flower

The stroke of a paintbrush with a swirl of color

The softness of touch

Time no longer exists linearly.

There's no such thing as use

No such thing as selfish pleasures

Only an open heart

sharing with another heart.

A dying man I've loved whose mind is slipping away

has taught me not to take anything for granted

tomorrow truly isn't promised

and love isn't linear either

it's not about reciprocation

it's not about remembering stories we tell

it's not all guaranteed to be the same tomorrow

but it trusts and stays

it sees God in another's soul

and only wishes to be close.

He taught me how to love again

and how to lose when I know loss is the only fate

how to lose without ever "having" at all

how to grasp loosely with grace

and know that love isn't about having or keeping

it's much like the cool, beautiful breeze

though it cannot be seen, it is felt, if only for a fleeting moment

and just like that...

it will be gone.

So, remember to say out loud....

"How beautiful."

Radical Acceptance and Yielding to the Joy of Suffering

I have recently had some rather amazing breakthroughs, and I don't share this to be self-congratulatory, nor am I trying to prove piousness or anything like that, but to try to get closer in my search for TRUTH...to be living proof that there is hope even in what seems like the darkest of circumstances or mental spaces. Also, if I'm going to write a book to help people, it would only be right of me to be honest and authentic about the impactful points of one's spiritual journey. And to be an example of God’s “light” (Nehara) in this world.

I've been going through quite a lot for a long time, and my whole life has been marked by suffering in ways not all people experience. A few months ago, I was thinking about not wanting to be here at all anymore. I have gone through many phases in life, but this is different. I've come to a point of radical acceptance... of where I am, who I am, and of my sufferings. Not only accepting, but enduring with joy. My circumstances have not changed, but my mindset has shifted. My heart. I certainly expect that things can, and even will, get worse, but I know it will be okay because I trust God. I can endure. I can accept my reality and my fate. I'm not resisting or fighting against it all. I may even die alone in the worst way possible, but I'll accept it… because of what Jesus did for me. He did all of this and more, and I love him, and I can endure for Him.

I'm focusing on the people that the Lord has graced me with to serve. Giving all of myself to them. It seemed to happen overnight—Suddenly, I yielded. But I didn't "give up"...I kneeled down and lowered myself. Not as an act, but in joyful service. In the most physical pain I've been in for a long time, I gave hand massages (and a foot massage) to 5 of the memory care residents... just like when I was a massage therapist. I literally got on my knees before each of them on the floor, set a towel on their lap, wrapped their hands in hot towels and then used a nice peppermint massage lotion and allowed them to feel present and cared for by someone with a genuine heart for healing. I'm so grateful to have been called and given this gift to be able to use MY gifts to serve those who the world sees as lowly and useless and forgotten in this society. I believe God puts us places we are meant to be and where we are needed. Where we can offer our unique wisdom and experiences. And these aren't just nice words, because for the past week or so in particular, I have been smiling more (and genuinely), I have been kinder, happier, talking to more people, going out of myself and helping more people out in the world. Showing love and giving my attention, even when it’s inconvenient. I have been more creative and I am pursuing new ventures. It feels like the world is opening up to me. Just because I said YES... to where I am, to who is before me, to loving others, to being present, to BEING love.

Recently after experiencing all this, one of the higher-cognitive residents who was having a really hard time with agitation, isolation and frustration found comfort and peace with me and talked with me for over an hour as lucidly as I've ever heard him speak. (Though, he thinks he's in love with me, which is a whole different can of worms that is a very real and heartbreaking difficulty of my job, but I'm just glad that he feels safe, seen, peaceful, and calm when around me.)

The veterans I work with all have pretty advanced dementia. Please pray for them!

Also pray that I keep persevering and deepening my relationship with the Lord. It’s not coming from a fear of not knowing enough, but because I want know Him. Deeply and personally. I think I'm on the right track. I got back into the routine of praying the rosary every night before bed, and I notice a real difference!

Some of what I've been experiencing is hard to explain with words and to contextualize, but I feel it. I feel more myself than I have in a very long time, too.

I'm not sad about not finding the "right person" or overly focused on that anymore, either. I know that if I really wanted to date, I would. I want the right person or nothing at all. I'm not desperate and have no need to settle. I have been single for almost 4 years now, and it's not because I'm the ugliest person in the world. I'm focusing on other things. Like getting my spine issues taken care of... and I've pretty much been on a 4-year long date with God. My entire lifetime, He’s been trying to “woo me”.

...

Working with the elderly population with dementia can be difficult mentally and emotionally in ways most people wouldn't realize or understand.  It really is essential to have a strong foundation and a strong support system of people who love and listen to you and care. It can be isolating to have the same conversations over and over with people who don't remember your name. You can feel like you're connecting with someone, as we do when we converse with one another, but this is very isolating because there really isn't that reciprocated receiving that we do when relating to others. When you spend 40 or more hours a week only having these types of conversations and relationships and you go home to yourself and start the day again... it can be extremely draining. Self-care and self-knowledge is very important if you're going to do this type of work. It's also heartbreaking to watch them decline, knowing that they are all at the end of their lives and that the disease will take them and their dignity and all of who they were. You can't help but form friendships and love them. You will smile and laugh with them. You will love them and care for them, and you will watch them die and you'll be by their side as they cross over to be with the Lord. It is also a great blessing.

I am dangerous

God tests us so that we better understand ourselves and our own hearts. The more He tests me, it seems that I'm getting weaker and that I must surely give up soon. But no, no. 

I have NOT given up yet. I'm still here. I still have a grain of hope that I cling to. And that PISSES the devil off.

I am a threat. My heart is still soft and not hardened. I still hear God's voice and I still muster up enough energy to pray, especially for others. I still give of myself in service to the forgotten and sick. I am in pain. I mourn. I keep taking hits, and I KEEP GETTING BACK UP.

I haven't been looking at it properly. I am dangerous to Satan. He wants so badly for me to take my own life because I have kept my promise to God. I still have faith. And I still have a story to tell. If I rise again after being knocked down another time, it surely makes the evil one shiver. There's no possible way someone can endure for so long and not have given in. But I will rise again. I will tell my story. I see that I'm stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I believed the lies far too long. God surely is closest to the brokenhearted.

I am dangerous.

Puella Aeterna

Far too long were the years 

Puella Aeterna

Waiting to be saved and sulking in the shadows

Watching your ghost live a life you could never reach

Dazzled by the stars above you,

the shackles dig deep grooves into the flesh

sitting on a cold stone floor.

Where is your great love?

He never came.

When you look at your reflection

Do you see a child or an old woman? 

Puella Aeterna

You never found your place 

never found peace.

Resigned your purpose for another

But nothing was taken

You never knew what to do with it on your own.

Has your life just begun or are you closer to death?

The lines in your skin grow deeper... 

Is it from the smile you put on to face the world?

or from the frown when you sit alone?

Yet still you wish...

And still you wait...

Puella Aeterna

There's a black void within that's heavy and aches

Wandering to find the missing piece.

Weeping over the time that wastes away endlessly

Sad, small Puella Aeterna... will you save yourself?

Will you ever remember your wings

and fly 

like all the Boys that were as Lost as you

who soared away from your disintegrating bones.

Woman, teach yourself to fly.

*(It may help to look up the term “Puella Aeterna” in Jungian psychology.)

A Prayer for Blessings Upon Myself

For a long time, I had been allowing things to block me from receiving blessings and what is truly meant for me. I neglected loving myself... and when in prayer, I neglected asking the Lord for blessings upon myself and my life. I recently have been learning true surrender and detachment (without being cold or stoic).

I put up a lot of resistance at first, especially since I have a tendency towards anxiousness and wanting to control outcomes. But recently it's become easier for me. I feel that when you're present and live from the heart, there's no need for control because you exist with God in his love... the opposite of stress and worry... and move forward effortlessly in His flow.

This life is hard. Healing takes time and courage to change.

In prayer lately, I have been asking for specific blessings, and for the Lord to bless my body and what I use my body for... ultimately to glorify Him.

I know I deserve good things.

Lord bless my feet, that I may walk with purpose and connect with the earth and the goodness that you have created. That I may place complete trust in you as I move forward within your will.

Bless my womb and sexual organs, that they may be healthy and fruitful, ordered toward their design. That my desires and what I create may be in order with your will. May I desire what you desire for me.

Bless my stomach and digestive organs, that they may be healthy and work according to their design. That any dysfunction may be healed and balanced and may I love myself so that I do not hold fear or shame in this area in the form of weight. 

Lord bless my heart. That I may keep it open and love you, others and myself freely. May my heart function normally and in healthy balance, keeping my cardiovascular system functioning well and keeping my body alive. Fill my spiritual heart with gratitude every day, and with peace so that I can share your joy and healing with others.

Bless my throat and my mouth Lord. That I may speak truth and love. That I express myself clearly and only speak good things upon others. Keep my throat and mouth healthy. Keep my thyroid gland balanced and well. Heal dysfunction in my cervical spine and heal that area from chronic pain.

Bless my eyes, that I may see through your eyes. Grant me the grace of the Holy Spirit to see with spiritual eyes and see things as you see them. To see others through your eyes and to see situations and things in this world in your ways, not the world's ways. Grant me spiritual vision and the foresight to make wise choices. Keep my physical eyes healthy and well.

Bless my mind and my brain. Protect my mind (and heart) Lord, and keep my thoughts holy and pure, with no negative thoughts of others. Allow me to think positive thoughts and not negative thoughts. Allow me not to dwell or ruminate or catastrophize. Keep my mind from being addicted to negative thoughts and patterns. Deliver me from the addictions of anxiety and depression. Deliver me from wanting to control outcomes. Plant thoughts of hope and a positive vision of myself, my life and my future. Bless me with awareness to stop feeding the thoughts that damage me.

Lord bless the space around me. May it be holy and surround me with your golden healing light.

May those that I encounter be blessed by this light and may it shine upon them, directing them to you.

Lord I thank you for this day. For this life. For this opportunity to ask for blessings.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

I love you.

Amen.

This Month's Word is "SURRENDER"

Last month, my word that the Lord laid on my heart to focus on was "Hope". Now I am being called to practice surrender.

Something that many of us do is cling on tightly to the way we want things to be. We try to exert our control over circumstances and outcomes and people more often that we would like to admit. Control is something I struggle with, and while it's something that I try to have over things, what actually ends up happening is that I have a lack of control DUE to my trying to control it. Ironic, but that's how it works. And that is why learning surrender is so important. This lack of control over the thoughts that create unpleasant feelings are actually indicative of an undisciplined mind.

For several days over the past week, I found myself in a very dark place mentally and I felt the spirits of hopelessness, fear, depression and desperation seeping into the cracks of my foundation. I had been praying prayers of deliverance for someone else, and it almost felt like a direct attack the way it hit me. 

I've been telling myself these stories and believing them for a while deep down. I just never had the discipline to rewrite these stories and start feeling the feelings I'd RATHER feel so that I could be more receptive to the good things I actually want in my life. After those few days that were particularly difficult, what made me pivot in my thinking was one significant moment when I was lying in bed feeling horrible and thinking about past memories, catastrophizing about the future and believing untrue realities about the present. 

Suddenly, I realized and said out loud to myself, "I don't like the way I feel right now!"

And so, I stopped and started feeling the way I'd rather feel, even if I had to create a delulu scenario just to feel that feeling.

I know it's starting to sound like woo-woo manifestation stuff now, but there definitely is some deep truth to all of it as far as what you believe being so important. What I was choosing to believe and the reaction my body was having to the terrifying thoughts was no different than choosing to watch a horror movie and feel your heart race during the scary jump scenes as if it was really happening to you. Your body still registered a threat and believed it was real, even though you were sitting there immersed in a fictional movie.

Be very careful about what you choose to believe.

Do not control like trying to grasp tightly onto Jell-O... Be soft and receptive. Believe the things you want and then you'll feel the associated feelings, and then things in your life will have to follow suit and align with the person that you are.

I'm going to work more deeply on surrendering in my life. And every time I feel a need to control something, I need to remind myself to relax and let it be, because what is for me will come when I release my grip and settle into a state of BEING.

Stop. Breathe. Surrender. (Repeat, repeat, repeat.)

On Men...

When I was a broken young girl, I thought all men were pieces of💩who would hurt or disappoint me. I found pleasure in making them kiss my boots on their knees and I had no interest in respecting them or trusting them on a deep level due to fear. I always thought I wanted love, but that inability to trust and allow myself to be soft got in the way. Now, I fully realize how wonderful men are and am so grateful for the male friends in my life who are honest, prayerful, caring and check in on me. Male energy is magnetic rather than repelling and I actually get along better with men now than ever before. I don't put myself in a position to be used and I never feel used... even if they aren't always able to resist impure thoughts. Men are absolutely beautiful in their nature, and I find fascination in their differences and celebrate them rather than try to be more masculine to be on the same level. I find my interactions with men different now that I'm different than I used to be, and I receive their giving energy for all that it is rather than try to shut off or be cold. The more I let go of the old negative stories I used to tell, the more I free up room for new or exciting experiences. Focusing on being joyful and loving truly brings about positive interactions... and positive people.

I realized today that this answers the question I had years ago about whether it's possible to heal father wounds and approach the Heavenly Father in a healthy way or whether the healing would be a lifelong process that needed to be assessed often. I think this is a wound that actually has had deep healing, and I am able to approach our Father with love, receptivity, gentleness and trust. Over the past couple years, in deepening my relationship with the Lord, I also trust men more, and that in turn, helps me approach the Lord in a healthy way, too. Also, without wounds from codependency. It's like it just happened and I realized it suddenly. This was such a hot button and pain point for me a few years ago and now I'm in a totally different place. 

Yes, it is possible to heal this kind of wound fully. I have experienced this healing. I am so grateful. 

My relationship with the Lord is very pure and childlike, I'd say.

Complaint Against God (To Reveal My Heart)

Part 1

Where do I begin when writing my magnum opus to the Lord? Do I need to hem and haw when thou knowest my heart better than I and already know what I will say, what I struggle to say, what I will fail to say and what I don't even know, myself? How do I come before you with complaints when I know the complaints are really with myself and my failures against you?

So many nights I whined, "Why?"

"Well, why, then, my daughter?"

Where am I still hardened to your love? Where am I not letting you in?

My obstinate unwillingness to fully accept your will and bear my suffering needs observing.

You healed those I pray for, but I do not resent them nor wish for my healing over theirs. I simply resigned to the notion that I, separate from all others, am the only one undeserving... and what arrogance it takes to think that something should apply only to me.

Part 2

All I wanted was to be loved. And to be beautiful.

But my life brought me a father who abandoned me, repetitive use and manipulation. Psychological and emotional abuse. I've put myself in stupid situations where I allowed myself to be raped, then blamed myself. Suffered with a painful spine condition that's been worsening for over 20 years, now risking paralysis. I spent most of my 20's and 30's dealing with cyclical vomiting and attacks of upper abdominal pain that would often send me to the ER. 

Now that I know my worth and dignity and desire what is true and beautiful, will my Heavenly Father really allow me to be crippled, paralyzed or even to die? Will I struggle and die alone with no family or loved ones to care for me? Will God do that to me? I refuse to believe it and I will fight my hardest to keep that fate away. I can't accept it. But I am tired of fighting. My heart is soft and I want to just rest in the peace of safety and being cared for. 

At this point, I just feel broken and not exactly desirable. I'm trying to have hope, but it almost requires a certain amount of delulu.

(Updated 5/15/25)

Apocalypse Wedding

In the past, I had a couple of very poignant and detailed dreams where I was getting married to someone that I didn't want to and it was the end of the world.

I often had precognitive dreams when I was younger, but it hasn't happened for a very long time. Even if things don't happen exactly the same as in the dream, if I pay attention to the MESSAGE or the EMOTION behind the events, I can look back upon them as a warning.

I think I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play.

It certainly feels overwhelmingly like we are very near to the end of the world or close to a catastrophic event.

Here's the old blog post where I talk about the dreams:

Dreams and Symbols

(I talk about the more recent one first, then interpret it. Then at the bottom, I describe the first one I ever had.)

The reason I feel that I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play is because I am considering going back to someone that I don't really want to marry and that I don't really love. I care for him, and I've remained in contact with him since we separated 3 years ago, but I honestly feel at this point in my life that I won't meet anyone new that I will have a deep connection with. Someone who ideally doesn't have any children either and who hasn't been married. I'd have to spend years revealing my whole ethos again and understanding someone and all their quirks and brokenness. Years figuring out how my wounds interact with theirs. I'm 41 and likely too old to start having a family. My soul feels worn out and tired. I'm not getting any younger or more attractive and I know that this person loves me and never stopped, even being across the country for the past 3 years. He knows my life-altering struggles with chronic pain (no one new is going to want to deal with that) and I know he would never cheat on me. I really don't trust him with my heart and my heart actually was traumatized when I lived with him for 3 1/2 years when he still was an alcoholic. He did not treat me very well a lot of the time. He doesn't drink anymore and he doesn't have any children and has never been married. We both are kind of failures at life. At least he loves God. He was an ordained minister at a Pentecostal church a long time ago before we started dating. He is more interested in the Torah these days, though.

I feel right now like I'm in my dream, sitting in my bathroom at the end of the world with my wedding dress on, telling my mom that I don't love (X) and that I don't want to marry him. 

Death will come knocking soon enough. C'est La Vie.

Solitude

Journal Entry 11/09/24

I may occasionally whine about being alone, but perhaps those who have not spent a significant amount of time alone with themselves understand me and where I am coming from. I am a woman who is not afraid to be alone with my own thoughts and I have spent enough time in solitude to find peace there and deeper understanding of my own soul while examining my conscience. I do not waste my solitary time on brain-numbing consumption and entertainment. I do not try to run away from myself. I don't have anything that I do for "escapism" (drugs, alcohol etc.). I use my time to read and to deepen my prayer life, and I realize that coming from this place of solitude, whomever I choose to spend time with is an intentional and purposeful choice, never out of desperation, because I have been alone and am only choosing to come out of it to embrace what I find truly nourishing to my soul and not draining. People may say I'm not putting myself in the right places to meet people, but I say that the right people have not presented themselves in the places I want to be. Yes, I'm human and yes I want love and to give all of myself, but good grief I'm not filling a void or looking for a variable to fit some presupposed equation. I've become quite fond of the freedom of creating my own schedule and my own life, pursuing my own interests and hobbies. If someone is capable of sharing in those things, wonderful. But I absolutely will not play games and if you disappear for a long time, I will not retain interest. I may have a youthful outlook and connect with the child inside that likes to have fun, but that does not mean I am an emotionally immature little girl or that I do not know my worth and value. I have been through quite a bit at this point in my life. I also have times where I am depressed or I feel old or I have a negative or distorted view of my physical appearance, but I still won't put up with foolishness or disrespect. If you are quite removed from the awareness of your own conscience and soul, I will discover that quickly and will also be far less likely to invest in any emotional attachment. I am easily overwhelmed by constant interaction, especially if the dialogue is of little consequence. I don't say these things to assert an air of phony independence or to be intentionally harsh. This is just where I find myself currently and I am trying to be better understood.

Sofia and Instant Answered Prayers

As I was driving home from college after my video production class, I was considering stopping by to spend time with Jesus in Adoration. I made a split decision and tore into the church parking lot from the street in my black Mustang GT, blasting Rob Zombie on my Halloween playlist. (Maybe kind of weird, but whatever.)

I knelt in the front pew in prayer and I read the readings in the Magnificat for today. The last words I read were by Blessed Ladislaus Batthyany-Strattmann and he said, "If you want to be happy, make others happy".

One of the things I brought to the Lord in prayer was asking for Him to show me more ways I could serve others. I don't have a lot of money to give, but I want to be able to do more and I want to better understand the Kingdom of Heaven, the laws of which operate in an opposite way than this world. What we hold in high regard here in this world is lower in Heaven and what is lowest here is highest in Heaven. 

I asked the Lord to be with me and to guide me. To show me CLEARLY the next step and what he wants me to do. I also asked what He wanted me to know and listened intently with my heart.

One of the main things He told me was that I have a beautiful heart. To let it be seen and to share it with others. To guard it, but to share it.

I went out to my car and sat for a little while checking some missed messages on my phone. A woman pulled up not far from me and she took a selfie in front of some statues, then she looked lost, but found her way to the courtyard entrance. I saw her take one more. I kind of giggled to myself at the fact that she did that. Not in a mean way, I just thought it was silly but kind of cute and there are worse things she could be taking selfies in front of. A few moments later, I noticed she was standing outside again and she looked confused or like she was looking for someone, so I rolled down my window and asked if she needed any help. She was wondering if the church was open. The church's main doors weren't open to the public at the time, so I kindly let her know. She had spoken to a woman she contacted on the church website and was trying to find her. She needed to talk to someone. There was that knee-jerk reaction to just let her walk away and say "Okay, bye!" and wish her the best, but I asked if she was okay. She seemed very distressed and she kind of walked away from the car and started sobbing. At that moment, God urged me to get out of the car. I got out, leaving the car door open and I asked if she was okay again but she kept crying. I then asked if she needed a hug and she opened her arms to hug me. 

It was a long, hard hug. I told her that God loves her and that she is not alone. She sobbed and hugged me harder. She told me that she is not okay and sat down on the curb. I got my keys out of the car that I had left inside it and closed the door and sat down beside her on the curb. It was getting kind of cold and windy as the afternoon sun was setting and I had flip-flops on. I introduced myself and she told me her name was "Sofia". She continued crying on and off as she spoke. I asked her some questions that she would be comfortable answering, and she told me where she was from (She was from the Honduras and lived in many places, including Florida--where I'm from!) She also told me she doesn't have any family here in the states. Neither of us have children. We shared a little about ourselves and at one point, after sharing some things about myself, she actually took my hands and squeezed them in hers and told ME that I am loved and that I am not alone, either. She kissed my hands and remarked how God works and how he brought us together. We were the only ones there at the church. We hugged at least one or two more times and she apologized each time she broke down crying. I asked for her number and texted her so she would have mine. I invited her to come with me to my usual parish (which is a little farther away, but I go to this one for adoration since my church only holds adoration a couple days in the week early in the morning on days I'm not available.) I told her she could reach out to me anytime if she needed someone to talk to. I hugged her goodbye and for some reason I told her "I love ya already!" before I got in my car to go. I just felt like she needed to hear that. And in my heart at that moment, my heart was full of love.

The woman she had come there to meet with never showed up, but I did. And God answered my prayer instantly. Sometimes the next step is the person right in front of you that you are called to drop everything for. Sometimes where you're being called to serve is right under your nose in a moment where you have a choice to walk away, or to bring God into the present. Sometimes "sharing your heart with others" means sitting on a curb in an empty parking lot in the cold to make someone feel seen and heard and not alone.

Loading… Please Wait

This is me right now. I’ve had some bumps and hiccups… some long seasons of waiting, confusion and struggle, but I feel that God is working on something big in me. I’m getting some things together and in order, picking up where I left off with old endeavors that I thought were left in the dust… but they were only sleeping, waiting to be resurrected until I was ready and had Jesus in my heart. Waiting until I went through some experiences in life that paved the way to who I have become. He’s still got me in a place where I’m learning something and I feel it. I feel Him near and I am aware of His hand. Hold tight, He has not abandoned us in our grief. We are becoming who we really are, and we can let him fashion new hearts within us that are like His. Hold on… He is coming.

4:44 (He is there.)

I went to visit Jesus in Eucharistic Adoration and left my car at exactly 3:33. When I returned to my car, it was exactly 4:44.

Thanks for that wink, God!

My Lord, I love you and I thank you. Grant me patience, peace, and a humble poor heart.

I know what real Love is.

I have seen you and you have seen me.

Wherever you are, Lord, that's where I want to be. And you are always there with me.

Trusting in that truth, no matter what happens, and finding peace in Him.. That's key. Even if I were to die today.

I had been so occupied with how things will work out and how I had failed someone who came to me asking for help, worrying about the future and also focusing on vanity and what people think of me... And my goodness did it smack me in the face today how much all of that takes away from the peace that is found in God and in just trusting in Him.

I may always carry a pain with me, but in Christ, I will carry it with Love in my heart. I know he sees me as the same little girl with the same ears now to hear Him as I had then, and I feel that he is proud of me and has blessed me because a part of my heart has always remained untainted by the world and open to Him, even when I was living a life that seemed far.

I pray that when we surrender all of this life to the Lord, that our hearts remained pure and poor, and that our eternal reward will be great.

Focus On Love, Not Fear

I often have days where I sit and cry in my car as soon as I get home from work.

A few days ago, Pam, one of the higher-cognitive memory care residents, told me that when she was 16, her older brother went into a gas station and left her in the car. She was kidnapped by two men, taken to a hotel, raped, then left there. She forgets a lot of things, but she remembers that quite vividly. 

Not long ago, Pam found out from a family member of one of the residents (Karolyn) that a man she loved walked out and disappeared for two years. Then when she was going to marry another man later in life, she got diagnosed with dementia and he left her before the wedding because he couldn't deal with that. Karolyn is one of our lower cognitive residents and she is stuck there mentally in her head. She relives that reality constantly. She cries often and it sounds like incoherent babbling about nothing, but you can understand where some of her memories are coming in and how she feels about herself and she is still traumatized. One of the male residents reminds her of someone from her past, so she had a very difficult time for a long time being around him. 

It is quite horrifying to think of ending up like that. Stuck there in your mind and knowing that something is wrong with you and your brain... and never being able to leave that place mentally. To always be in that perpetual state of loneliness and fear. From what I've seen, people with dementia and Alzheimer's prove that we become what we constantly think about. We repeat stories in our heads and those stories can become imprinted. We need to be so careful that what we believe about ourselves and our lives doesn't keep us stuck in misery or fear. What we dwell on can become our entire reality. Lyle is always looking for a wife and he always is packing up to leave for North Carolina. He was a Marine and he often thinks that the Germans are going to kill him.

I could end up that way someday, myself, and it's easy for me to be terrified about my future.

As it is now, I wouldn't have anyone else to even put me in a place for care. Every time I tell someone, like a coworker, how I have no siblings, no children, no nieces or nephews and I'm the youngest person in my little family, they always say, "Wow, you really ARE alone!", or "That's really scary!"

Thanks. I feel so much more hopeful now.

My cats will probably eat me. Oh well, at least they'll get fed one last time! (Kidding. I hope. lol.)

Most of the time I'm actually okay and I am able to find joy and pursue things that make me happy. No matter what I may be feeling, it doesn't prevent me from loving the people in front of me. But every now and then the loneliness seeps in, and then sometimes fear. Because I am human. Even Jesus, the son of God, felt fear in the Garden of Gethsemane. So, I can't be discouraged for sometimes feeling fear and then guilt over the fear as if my faith isn't strong enough or that fear is from the evil one.

Be careful of your thoughts. Focus on love, not fear. Love those around you and SEE them. Even if they have nothing to offer at all. How you make people feel is more important than what you get.

Lord, may we be like You and never overlook those who are suffering or in need. The poor or the sick. May we be willing to bloody and soil our clothes and hands to reach down to give love to the unseen. May we always keep our eyes open to see others. To know them as You know them.

Healing with St. Raphael and anointing oils

Known as the patron saint of students, St. Benedict is also a popular saint for matters of protection and exorcism. "Vade retro Satana" is initialed on his emblem. When I bought the anointing oil, I wasn't thinking of any specific need or intention... I simply thought it smelled good and the scent elicited a healing reaction in my body, so I bought it. It reminded me a bit of an ayurvedic blend of oils for pain called "Narayan oil", but this St. Benedict blend had a few different oils in it, including myrrh, lavender and clove oil. Clove is well known for analgesic properties, as is Frankincense (Boswellia Serrata) for it's anti-inflammatory uses, but many might not know the benefits or mechanisms of myrrh.

I used the frankincense and myrrh combo a lot a few years back to manage the flares of pain from my cervical spinal stenosis (both topical and ingested tinctures). As a carrier oil for topical use, I just used coconut oil and massaged it into my neck and shoulders. As for the tinctures, I had the single herb tinctures of both frankincense and myrrh (no blend) and they were alcohol-based (more effective than glycerin-based).

Besides the pleasant aroma of the topical essential oils, I definitely noticed a decrease in inflammation and pain. Taken internally, myrrh has an analgesic effect and works on the opioid receptors in a similar way to morphine. I definitely felt this when I first began using it, but it actually stopped having that same effect after a few weeks and never really had that same effect again, even months after. I still would recommend it, but the oils and tinctures seem to work better synergistically. 

I felt like I should try putting the St. Benedict oil on the back of my neck along the vertebrae. I kid you not, I felt quite a bit of relief from tension and arthritis pain. 

I used to study herbalism here and there, and worked for a while in a shop that sold herbs and supplements. I never went all the way with becoming an herbalist because I thought it had the stigma of being associated with woo-woo hippie pseudoscience quackery and not taken very seriously, but I still believe in the powerful healing effects of nature. And after using this St. Benedict oil, I'm even more convinced of the healing power of herbs and the spiritual power of the saints. If any pain or affliction may have any roots in negative spiritual attachments, I believe that using the anointing oils with prayer and intention can have tremendous healing effects. 

I would love to continue to investigate the use of anointing oils further and in healing practices. 

I still have a lot of goals and passions I want to pursue. Healing has always been a beacon of purpose for me, and St. Raphael is always near me and reminding me of what I'm here for.

O RAPHAEL of the glorious seven stand 

before the throne of Him who lives and 

reigns, Angel of Health, the Lord hath filled 

thy hand with the balm from Heaven to soothe or 

cure our pains. Heal or console the victims of 

disease, and guide our steps when doubtful of 

our ways.

A Rock to Hold On To

I feel like I'm going, going, going... really fast... but I don't know where (besides toward the end of it all). I'm flailing like a fish. I still don't know what I want. Nothing is ever enough for me. People say I am encouraging and inspiring, but when alone, I still feel unloved and like I have no one to lean on. In talking about things, and what's really on my heart, I fear that those who look to me to be a light will be let down. When they figure out that I don't have it all figured out or have it all together anymore than they do.

Today, after receiving the Lord, I told Him on my knees that I don't have a rock to hold on to in the storm. Then, I felt sad because I know he wants to be my rock. And I want that to be enough. But here in this world, I just haven't found what lights me up for him and for His glory. I'm so broken. All I loved was love... But I didn't understand what holy love was. Love is all I ever wanted. I strongly desired that and sex. So I am giving up the latter until further notice. Giving up sex isn't hard when single (it's already been a very long time for me that I've gone without that), but it's when alone... the giving in to self-gratification part, that I struggle with.

Even when I don't indulge in that, there's still the random energetic states that pass through all of my atoms like a wave of white light... or the 20-30 minute long ESO's if I go too long without release. But I can handle anything if I decide to. I still desire love and highly spiritual sex, but if God wants something else for my heart, I accept that. It's just taking a really long time and I feel like I don't know how much longer I can do this. I think (during St. Michael's Lent) in leaning into a more disciplined chastity, and investigating my resistance towards celibacy, the evil one has been pressing me hard and I've been feeling out of sorts and more weak than usual.

Holy moly. I hope this passes soon.

Day 1 of St. Michael's Lent - Resistance and Temptation

It's Day 1 of St. Michael's Lent and I'm already being struck hard by the evil one. Part of what I'm leaning into for my heart is remaining completely celibate during this time. I usually have a very high sex drive, and I'm no stranger to temperance, but I'm finding it harder than usual. In fact, it's quite ridiculous and overwhelming. To the point I know it's a temptation to throw me off.

I recently scoffed at the idea I could be celibate (a state of being) and while I do exercise chastity for the most part, I knew I could never choose celibacy as a way of life. This made me realize I have a particular resistance that begs some investigating. Perhaps I'm too attached to this urge/drive itself and the unwillingness to let it go. Perhaps I have a belief that my need is too strong. Or that I fear I could never do it (celibacy). Maybe because I think I have a weakness... and I do.

I would suggest that people do not throw stones here, because we are all sexual beings and to deny that is to deny our nature as God created us. This is an area of struggle for many people. I don't think it does anyone any good to not talk about things like this. Many of the saints struggled in the area of their sexuality. This just happens to be one of the things I'd like to experiment with having more control over. I don't feel victimized by my desires, nor guilty or anything. I just wish to be free from attachments, doubts, fears and resistance in my life.
 

St. Michael's Lent (Aug 15-Sept 29)

Today is day 1.

I will send a message soon to those who wanted to do this with me... and perhaps do like we did last time for the "Fasting for Miracles" group. I'll ask everyone for some prayer requests. Now is a good time to think about what our own personal struggles or vices are... things that keep us from being closer to Christ or areas we need to improve or have more discipline with. Something we can cut out of our lives or limit. Self-denial... not just from food but what really has an impact on our hearts.

Adding the St. Michael Chaplet prayer to each of these 40 days will be very beneficial. I also have some other resources that are helpful on this journey of prayer and fasting.