I feel like I'm going, going, going... really fast... but I don't know where (besides toward the end of it all). I'm flailing like a fish. I still don't know what I want. Nothing is ever enough for me. People say I am encouraging and inspiring, but when alone, I still feel unloved and like I have no one to lean on. In talking about things, and what's really on my heart, I fear that those who look to me to be a light will be let down. When they figure out that I don't have it all figured out or have it all together anymore than they do.
Today, after receiving the Lord, I told Him on my knees that I don't have a rock to hold on to in the storm. Then, I felt sad because I know he wants to be my rock. And I want that to be enough. But here in this world, I just haven't found what lights me up for him and for His glory. I'm so broken. All I loved was love... But I didn't understand what holy love was. Love is all I ever wanted. I strongly desired that and sex. So I am giving up the latter until further notice. Giving up sex isn't hard when single (it's already been a very long time for me that I've gone without that), but it's when alone... the giving in to self-gratification part, that I struggle with.
Even when I don't indulge in that, there's still the random energetic states that pass through all of my atoms like a wave of white light... or the 20-30 minute long ESO's if I go too long without release. But I can handle anything if I decide to. I still desire love and highly spiritual sex, but if God wants something else for my heart, I accept that. It's just taking a really long time and I feel like I don't know how much longer I can do this. I think (during St. Michael's Lent) in leaning into a more disciplined chastity, and investigating my resistance towards celibacy, the evil one has been pressing me hard and I've been feeling out of sorts and more weak than usual.
Holy moly. I hope this passes soon.
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