Focus On Love, Not Fear

I often have days where I sit and cry in my car as soon as I get home from work.

A few days ago, Pam, one of the higher-cognitive memory care residents, told me that when she was 16, her older brother went into a gas station and left her in the car. She was kidnapped by two men, taken to a hotel, raped, then left there. She forgets a lot of things, but she remembers that quite vividly. 

Not long ago, Pam found out from a family member of one of the residents (Karolyn) that a man she loved walked out and disappeared for two years. Then when she was going to marry another man later in life, she got diagnosed with dementia and he left her before the wedding because he couldn't deal with that. Karolyn is one of our lower cognitive residents and she is stuck there mentally in her head. She relives that reality constantly. She cries often and it sounds like incoherent babbling about nothing, but you can understand where some of her memories are coming in and how she feels about herself and she is still traumatized. One of the male residents reminds her of someone from her past, so she had a very difficult time for a long time being around him. 

It is quite horrifying to think of ending up like that. Stuck there in your mind and knowing that something is wrong with you and your brain... and never being able to leave that place mentally. To always be in that perpetual state of loneliness and fear. From what I've seen, people with dementia and Alzheimer's prove that we become what we constantly think about. We repeat stories in our heads and those stories can become imprinted. We need to be so careful that what we believe about ourselves and our lives doesn't keep us stuck in misery or fear. What we dwell on can become our entire reality. Lyle is always looking for a wife and he always is packing up to leave for North Carolina. He was a Marine and he often thinks that the Germans are going to kill him.

I could end up that way someday, myself, and it's easy for me to be terrified about my future.

As it is now, I wouldn't have anyone else to even put me in a place for care. Every time I tell someone, like a coworker, how I have no siblings, no children, no nieces or nephews and I'm the youngest person in my little family, they always say, "Wow, you really ARE alone!", or "That's really scary!"

Thanks. I feel so much more hopeful now.

My cats will probably eat me. Oh well, at least they'll get fed one last time! (Kidding. I hope. lol.)

Most of the time I'm actually okay and I am able to find joy and pursue things that make me happy. No matter what I may be feeling, it doesn't prevent me from loving the people in front of me. But every now and then the loneliness seeps in, and then sometimes fear. Because I am human. Even Jesus, the son of God, felt fear in the Garden of Gethsemane. So, I can't be discouraged for sometimes feeling fear and then guilt over the fear as if my faith isn't strong enough or that fear is from the evil one.

Be careful of your thoughts. Focus on love, not fear. Love those around you and SEE them. Even if they have nothing to offer at all. How you make people feel is more important than what you get.

Lord, may we be like You and never overlook those who are suffering or in need. The poor or the sick. May we be willing to bloody and soil our clothes and hands to reach down to give love to the unseen. May we always keep our eyes open to see others. To know them as You know them.