Sunday, November 27, 2022

Love Letters to God

29 Poems for God in 29 Days

I’m writing 29 poems in 29 days to God, and I’m entitling the series “Love Letters to God”. I was inspired by Father Mike Schmitz’ homily in last Sunday’s Advent Mass, where he asked us to give 29 min to God for 29 days and to ask God to reveal himself to us in silence in front Jesus. So, I’m going to do that and also write some poems or “love letters”. 

It took me a little longer than 29 days, but it all is as it should be. You can see the evolution in the writings from the beginning to the end, where my relationship with the Lord has grown stronger, deeper, and much more intimate.

I may create a separate collection of poems/prose/short stories influenced by Theology of the Body.


1. The Bride

I've searched the eyes of man for love
In each and every one I saw Him
A beauty from above-- 
The brightest pieces of my soul, reflected
Intensely desiring a connection
a mystical union
that does not exist here on this plane
Skin whispering truth to skin
Wound me and I shudder--set my heart aflame
I came to know their suffering
and I knew their suffering all too well
Even wounded men who claimed to be holy
destroyed my spirit, took of my flesh
Spoke cruel profanities to my soul with a drunken breath
Opened wide my aching gaping heart
To be pierced by words of divination 
No human can truly know another's soul 
We are so broken
We may find comfort in our brokenness 
In the embrace of warm skin
We can pretend that we tell truth with our bodies
But who takes our tears into him?
Who can cradle our heads and wash us clean
With no intention of pushing inside, taking, wanting, erasing 
To not pluck you from the earth but water you and feed you so that you grow
To delight in your fragrance and colors
Knowing that he already resides within you
Seeing himself bloom
He sees your light
Where is the truth?
Here I am, a hypocrite, an imposter, a sinner
I still think lies taste good
But they leave you hungry
For real nourishment
I still want my heart to be seen
I struggle because I know no man will see me
But God does
God knows our hearts
His lack of touch deepens faith but makes one lonesome

If I had found love 
Never truly suffered pain
Would I speak to Him at all 
would I still cry out to the heavens
from the floor, on my back
Never hear His call?
It wasn't my destiny, so it seems.
or maybe it could change.
To cease to change is death, they say.
I'm on my knees
now in a different way
Am I in earnest or am I just a wounded child
My sacrifice, God sees. When no one else can.

(May He touch us so deeply that we feel the expansion in our hearts 
and shiver from the ecstatic passion of His sanctifying grace,
Holy sacrifice, 
and pure love.)



2. Oatmeal Creme Pies

Love letters and Oatmeal Creme Pies
Pinholes of violet light in the corners of my eyes
Letting me know the angels were near
Little nods that only my soul could hear

In the dark, you held me
Calling like a wind inside the cracks of my heart
Yearning for my need
I'm sorry
I know you knocked
I wasn't ready to hear

Now I feel a trembling
from the ethers to my bones
Calling me louder than ever before
I can't be afraid
I can't turn around
The time is coming, the time is now

Love letters and Oatmeal Creme Pies
Pinholes of violet light in the corners of my eyes
Letting me know the angels were near
Little nods that only my heart could hear



3. Untitled

For what an evil creature am I
To want pluck the sun from the sky
After illuminating my path 
Because I want to call it mine?
Can I feel the warmth but not get burned
Can I watch the flowers bloom 
Whose petals his rays made brightly flourish
Nay— the evil one tells lies to me of my intention 
That I am not pure, that my petals are fake and fraudulent 
Still, I remain steadfast 
Starve my flesh to drown the liar’s murmurs 
All I have is all I need 
I have Him
And that’s enough



4. 

Heart of my Heart
Does yours break for me too?
Mold my heart to be like yours
Show me how to love like you
To see all of your creations
through your eyes
and forgive them their darkness
Show me how to peer inside 
My darkest parts
Until I find the fire
Unafraid to let it burn
in all its glory, all its rage
all my bruised insides ablaze
Crack open 
The deepest, blackest, most calcified secret truth
to find the light shining brightly through 

I now know, you didn't leave me alone in my desperation
I now know, it pained you as I cried until I was breathless
You just wanted to breathe into me
Your life, your blood, your light

Flesh of my flesh
You bled for ME--
Your reason, your destiny
Will I come to know my heart
If I seek to know yours?
I sought so hard to find a soul similar to my own...
Searching for mirrors
Always finding my shadow
Now I search for you
Oneness
Erase my mental fictions of you 
Fill me with your breath
Nail my ego to the cross
and I can die my first death



5. Chewing

Consume, consume, consume
Constant noise
Drowning out your voice
Afraid of silence
Gorging on junk food
in their mouths, in their hearts, in their beds 
junk food love and junk food sex
Junk food on their TV sets
To fill the holes
They fill the air with their sound of chewing 
instead of the sound of their own hearts
instead of hearing yours
Please fill them so they are no longer hungering
They know not what they truly hunger for
Let them know you
So the chewing stops

😁



6. (On Love...)

Love is not an emotion
Love is a driver
Love is the armor of God against principalities and power
It eradicates wickedness in an instant.
Love overrides emotions
and is the one aspect of God we can embody as humans
Love is not hesitant sacrifice
Love is what you DO, when fear is great--
it MOVES you
not necessarily out of fear (it is still there)
but despite it--beyond it and its stronghold, acting outside of it, for another
Love would lay down and die for another
Love does not have anything to prove, anything to show for
Love grips you and carries you through when you have nothing else to hold on to
Love defies words
Love believes in the future of another
Love frees
Love does not hold
Love Protects, under the wing of God, and lets the heart of another be opened
Love doesn't fill the holes or the cracks
nor does it try to possess
Love lets the wound bleed
but weeps for it has bled
and takes the blood into itself to make a gift, given anew
Love makes blood into roses
Love knows no rulers and leaves peace in its wake
Love does all, to stand



7.  "Nehara"

With your soft heart, a faulty spine
Your name is written in the book
To show God writes straight with crooked lines
You make the Devil turn and look

To God the Father, you always did belong
Your light was too bright to be concealed
When sleep escapes, I'll call your name and sing your song
The truth will always be revealed

I'll send you riddles in a language you know not
A mystery to unfold
So you'll know it's not from your own thoughts
Surround you with my healing light of gold

Prick your vision with pinholes of violet light
Letting you know the angels are near
Even in your darkest nights
Have you an ear to hear--I'm here!

When the eidolons are swarming 
and waiting at the gates
may you know the intimacy of my heart's warming
and fear not the demons' hate

Call upon my name, sweet child of my heart
Come to me on bended knee
I will burn with fire all that's dark
My love will set you free

Within I, you... and within you, I reside
Proclaim my name--Jesus Christ the King!
From me thou shall not hide
Filled with ineffable joy; Remember: Love everything



8.  "Golden Milk"

Dear God, 
I stumbled yesterday.

I turned and looked the other way
Hoping you would look away too
Just this once, just for a while
To quell the tempestuous waters below

I still need your help 
I wish to be worthy
I cry for your mercy
I long for the heat of your love to linger in my heart
and overflow with a glow of liquid light
Coating my insides so I don't feel pain
Purify me
with Golden Milk
Sweet and warm like turmeric, honey and spices
I want to feel it in my bones 
So deeply within me
I yearn for your healing
Inhabit my entire being
Until I know the one 
whose soul can come into my own soul
and mine into theirs
My body and soul are hungry
Until then 
Hold me, safe and tenderly
Immerse my heart in Golden Milk



9.  Yes

God planted in my belly a seed of joy 
Long ago, in a dream
Never had I desired such fruit 
But this;
Immaculate miracle
Contained such wild bliss--
All of being contained within.
The highest, sweetest, purest truth.
A light shining from the inside. 
I smiled the most genuine smile from my heart 
And the comfort lingered long after; 
A reminder of the joy of our blessed mother.
Unspeakable happiness. 
The receptive soul is fertile ground
We all await the Perfected Love--within us--Eternal Birth
In our innermost recesses
How wondrous a gift
To simply say "Yes".



10.   To Know the Soul 

Part 1 - The Eternal Dance

To know God's essence
Is to know your own soul's essence
Not known in thinking--
Remembered,
in dancing
To your soul's unique song of Love,
Which only God knows.
Adorned in white;
A trumpet sounds
Without words
You take his hand...
Yielding to Him
in this Eternal Dance.
"Remember who you really are."

--(Inspired, in part, by one of my first visions, where I danced with Jesus)



11.  To Know the Soul

Part 2 - The soul plays out a silent film of God's love

The soul is shown clearly
when held up to a mirror (others)
Reflecting God's light-- 
through our action images.
Like images on a film reel, 
unique to each created being. 
God's light of love shines into us
We reflect his light onto others  
and like a projector,
We use that light to make "Love" manifest.
Our souls are constantly playing out our version of Love
through a lens
on the screen which is without
and we call the screen life.
God can see our nature--
His own light being made into a new unique art--our dynamic souls
What a delight it must be
to see
Your creation discovering You



12.  Where is Love?

At the core of everything is Love
Ask not "WHAT is Love?", but instead ask, 
"WHERE is Love?"
The human soul is Love
It is within
but our vision becomes fixed away from this inner ground
On that which is without
and we become removed from Love
and we think of God as being outside
and we talk to him outside of us
and we try to catch him
We put a shield of glass between ourselves and God, 
from inside a cage, trying to find God 
We are putting God in a cage as well
But that is not where our soul resides
That is not where God resides.
Not where Love resides
Where is Love?
It's not in the mind
Not even in your contemplations
Love is found in a motion and in something given.
Love can be seen, if you look close, when you're yielding



13.  Sanctity (My soul, not "I")

My soul, not "I", wants for nothing creaturely
but yearns for oneness with Eternity.
Hasten to me, Lord!
I leave behind all earthly things and creature-love
Fill me with your Holy Spirit
Allow me to suffer with you the sweet pangs of suffering
Never shall I forget what it feels like.
Grant me humility in this gift, but not under other creatures
And lift me up to where your divine Love is
Keep me clear of the divinations of all men
Free me from my imaginations and entanglements
So that I can gaze upon YOU
Truly You, within my heart
I desire you.
 
My soul, not "I", has seen me as you see me, from Eternity
As I've been, as I am, and how I will be
You've heard my prayers of yesterday and today
know of the tears I'll cry tomorrow
know of my trials and tribulations, and which ones I will overcome
The tests offered to me to prove my soul
Allow me not to lose sight of your divinity
for fear that I will be left 
Down here in the dust and mud, bereft 
of eternal salvation
Without your light I'm a dark, hollow vessel
Without your breath I'm as good as ash

My soul, not "I" yearns for eternal unity with the Uncreated
Come hither to me!
Purify me with your grace
Empty me of every earthly thing
To be as close to you in your immovable sanctity as I can be
The highest ideal of Me
That existed in You, before all of creation
May I not waver
But let me receive you
Lord, ready my heart for the highest
And seek thou rest in my sanctified heart.


14.  Angel 

Be a guardian Angel
Be the one to catch someone's fall
You never really know
If they have anyone at all.
Lean in and listen
Make them feel loved and heard
Our days are not promised
Speak to the human soul with kind words.
Put yourself in the shoes of someone in need
Don't delegate kindness to someone else's hands
Even if your hands are bleeding 
When you see their boat is sinking, carry them safe to land.
Always give love
And for the weak, be their strength
If someone is wilted and bereft of life
Be the one who would give all of your breath 
An angel will watch over God's children 
Needing nothing but God's love
Expecting nothing in return
Alone on Earth, but awaiting union with God above



15.    

Out of time and out of space
I split my side
to see a sliver of your face
Tethered to your rose
Tethered to your thorn
I take your blood into me
Through my blood you are born
as I through you
I knew then, but was not awakened
You spoke but I didn't hear
This unspeakable void that gave birth to the stars
Is the eternal womb
continually birthing creation
over and over
I drink you and desire you within me
Never to part
Come, come soon
Heart of my heart



16.  

"May your will be done in my life. Do with me as you will. What do you want me to do?"

"Daughter... what do YOU want?"

The highest love on Earth, that will lead me on the path to the highest love, with You, in heaven.
None of it matters but love
To love here is to practice loving you in eternity!
I cannot "find" love--
no one creature is the perfected love that is you--
I want simply TO love.
I want to love someone who allows me to love in the same way I desire to love You-- 
My partner in heaven.
Help me discern
When there is a veil concealing my inner knowing like a dark cloud
Who will protect my fragile heart 
Like a tiny jewel
containing all of creation inside.
Ready my heart for loving you now, 
Prepare me for the oneness to come
Finally, when that day arrives, the glory will be immeasurable
No longer split
Our mended heart finally at peace, as one.

"Then, my daughter, give your desire to me. Surrender your wanting, and all will be yours, and more."



17.  The Knowing

Look at me
Really look at me
in my nakedness and see
that I am a child of God
See my worth
as I stand before you
As I am
Shall you want to possess or take for yourself
Reduce me to an object for your use?
I refuse to feel shame
Observe God...
In the splendor of my unabashed femininity 
spreading before you
Do you see all of creation in my eyes
being birthed into being
Can you see the Pleiades shining back at you
My heart is on fire
Come and bask in the warmth
Rest your head underneath my wing
Let your belly rise and fall 
as you breathe me
and I breathe you
Share with me your divine mouth
Taste me
as my essence fills you 
Take my spirit in and I am revealed
what was veiled in secrecy
Finally pours out of me
in this blessed sacrament
This, I desire
Not desire itself
I desire the knowing
Will you help me know God too?
Come, my mouth thirsts, let me know you
Help us open our eyes 
to His sweet divinity



18.  My Love, Outside of Time

I had a vision tonight while trying to sleep and wrote this poem below. I understood from a perspective of timelessness, my purpose here right now… Part of it is to connect my heart to Christ, at the time of his passion, from here. Perhaps it is part of all of our purpose to do this at some point. Whenever it is.. the time is still perfect, because God exists outside of time.  However, Jesus no longer is suffering in eternity, because he already did what he needed to do (“It is done”), but it was done so I (we) can be here.. and he can feel us. (I finished editing this at 3:16 👀)

(I saw a vision of Mary
Split open down the center
Pages with written words 
Could be seen inside
Symbolizing her carrying the Word within her.) 
And then I saw you…
 
My Love, Outside of Time

I am here, my love, outside of time
Comforting you in the hour of your passion
You knew your fate
But you had to clear a path of light
For us all to be born
So I could look upon you now
My love, outside of time
As you were then
And console you through your tears
You were scared, as am I 
Your heart bled, as does mine
I want to take your pain away
But you must go
So I can be here now to take your hand
I can see it now, soft and slender 
I clasp the air 
and know you feel my heart
My love, outside of time
You came to me in dreams to show me love 
that I have never felt on this strange Earth
And left me weeping when I awoke
Hours upon hours 
Over a love so strong 
and unfathomable to creatures
Is my passion calling too?
Please come back, 
My love,
Outside of time
Nothing else matters
All I need is you



19.  Eros Prayer

Open your heart
And feel this love
So fierce it rips your heart open
Filling, overflowing
Oh dear God let your love inside
For all of you I shed blood tears
My soul would scream for a thousand years
If I never felt this love again
If I knew you couldn't feel this too
~
Oh dear Lord hold them
Sanctify their hearts
Lay your Holy Spirit upon them
Envelop them in your warm embrace
Cradle them in your womb
Break their hearts and get inside
Break their hearts and get inside
~
I say this prayer for all of you
From my heart
Allow yourself to feel
This Love



20.  Closer Still...

I take your body into me
Made flesh by the fruit of woman's vine
and the wheat stalk's seed
part my lips and let my tongue know your flavor
caress my insides with your passion for me
come, find refuge in my depths
and rest, warmly in my sanctified heart
I drink your love into me
Body of my body
and receive into my being
the sacrifice of your entire self
in all that you could give
every drop of blood
You thirsted for my knowing
I thirst for you to be closer
closer still...



21.  Desiderio

In another life
I could have found bliss in the worldly things.
Making love by French doors, cracked open,
on some Parisian balcony.
Billowing curtains and the smell of rain.
Thunder muffling tender gasps. 

Finding ways to kill the pain 
of ending up without you.
Desiring more...
It's never enough. 
Bodies come together and pull apart--
Always left separated, alone, wanting again.

Crying out on my back, on the floor,
You yearned for my need.
Called me to more.
In the dark, you held me--
Whispered into the cracks of my broken heart.
My purpose was never mine to keep.

I surrendered my life to save another--
You pulled me from his grasp.
Maybe my last chance at being a mother.
I left him in my past.
I'm back in this place you keep calling me to.
A place that's not quite home.

In another life 
I could have loved what the world had to give.
You knew my light would never be so bright
without bringing me into the dark.
To the gentle breezes of your urgings, I let myself bend and sway. 
With joy, I surrender. I have no idea where we are going, but I'm with you all the way.



22.  

Would we tremble and burst into light
Shatter into pieces
to truly conceive the truth of you
This mystery binds us all 
As One



23.

I need the safety of your loving arms

Jesus hold me

When I can’t discern clearly 

When I failed and need your mercy 

I know you are still here, forgiving

Your love is higher

Did I cry because it was goodbye 

Or did I cry for my heart’s desire

I love you first 

Take my hand and lead me through the smoke

Cast away the shadows I chase

With your light

I need it, warm like fire 

Come close and burn away

The strings that tie me

To anything that’s not of you

That leads me astray

Purify my heart 

And ready me for what’s to come




24.  The Almost Love


Rouse in me the almost Love

We get so close 

A taste of what is real

Bound to this fallen world

Show me another kingdom 

Speak to my skin the language of creation 

With your fingertips 

Deep in my bones

Screaming Yes from every pore

All that I am and ever have been

All that I will be

Opens before you

Not to take, but to set free

Surrender infinity

Into this eternal womb 

Rouse in me the almost Love

Let’s taste the other side of death



25.


Abba, Father

When winter comes 

Will we stand at your feet and wash them,

as children care for their parents,

When they are old and frail

Would we hold your hand and lead you?

Would we feed you? 

Would we clothe you?

Hold you and clean you?

You came close, showed us your frailty

And we killed you.

We weep for we are wretched



26.


Experience has shaped me

Bitter, tired and withered 

But somehow my heart has remained intact 

My spirit is weary as my bones

The water is my home, the lifeblood 

Called from the ocean to the heights of the mountains 

To bring light to the darkness

His Love knows no limits

Not yielding to the constraints of time or space 

No matter where my feet are planted on the earth 

He forever walks with me

Residing in my heart

I will never walk alone 

Trace His footsteps back to the Sea

I find him inside of me

With me always

I need not be anywhere but here

Nor for anything desire

Home is in my heart

And there, I have all I need




27.  We Planted Roses in the Garden of Gethsemane


We Planted Roses in the Garden of Gethsemane
Outside of time
A promise, and a symbol of what is to come
A sacrifice, fulfilled

Tears enriched the soil forevermore
inside your heart, the garden now dwells
the seeds we planted, you and I
Now a whisper to your heart

We Planted Roses in the Garden of Gethsemane
While the flesh is weak
Strong are the petals
Awake with me in the night

Stay, awake with me
My Rose
I am forever in your heart.

**(Last night, while praying before sleep, I asked the Lord for help with something and called upon the Holy Spirit. These words came to me slowly and clearly: "We planted roses in the garden of Gethsemane". I'm not sure what it means, but it gives me a sense of peace. I'll understand soon.)🌹❤️



28.

Come you and seek peace in the heart of my fury
Your broken heart I’ll set ablaze
In all my glory, all my rage
Upon you in your darkest hour--
the white purifying fire of my loving gaze.
My love, consume me
As my love consumes you.
Come close and taste my wild flame.



29.  This is My Heart's Last Song


Never cared much for earthly things
I've only ever craved
Unity with the uncreated
A divine union
To perhaps taste what is to come

Come into my heart
My Lord, My God
Let me feel
The ecstasy of your Divine Love
Through you 
With you
In you

Make love to my heart
My soul hungers
For another soul to know my own
So deeply inside
They inhabit my entire being
Their soul in mine and mine in theirs
What to do with this
fascination with a creature?
Is saying thank you enough?
An ache is awakened
that can't be satisfied

With my tongue
I taste the skin
where heaven and earth kiss
Never-ending desire for the infinite
I stay present in the ache
and offer it to you

Come, untwist me
Restore my cold and hardened heart
to one of warm flesh like yours
(Oh, this is what it feels like.)
Tears erupt from my wrenched heart again  
But I have Loved.
I have Loved here.

Help me heal the hearts
That walk upon the earth
Help me create a new world
Through Love, With Love
And In Love
There is nothing else.



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