How God Uses Our Wounds - Part 2: Pain and Suffering

We all are given our own special stew of suffering throughout our lives, aren't we? I spent so many years trying to run away from my suffering. Now I believe each and every experience has forced me to have a deeper understanding of different kinds of suffering and will inevitably aid in my helping others. Our ultimate goal should not be to avoid suffering at all costs, but to enter into it and offer it up to God for him to transmute it and use it to help us along our path of becoming who we are meant to be. The highest ideal of what God sees in us. 

Fighting Against God's Will Causes Suffering

Trying to fight against God's will for us causes us suffering. Imagine yourself floating on a leaf down a stream. If you fight and fight to paddle your leaf against the current, you will get worn out and frustrated and life will be harder. When you conform your will to God's will so that you move together and are going in the same direction, things get easier. You just have to give in and accept. This is not the same as resigning and taking a backseat to life, because then your leaf isn't even in the stream and it's out of control. You don't just let the leaf sit on the bank of the river. I did that in the past; it doesn't work, and you waste time. Depression and other spiritual distortions can set in then. You steer it, but you let God be the water that supports you. If you fight too hard, you might even drown yourself.

A few months ago, I found myself offering my life completely to God. I asked for his will to be done and I gave up trying to control anything. I struggled for so long and I realized what needed to happen. I was pushing against the current. I had to allow him to enter to do his work in my life, and I had to put my life at the foot of the cross for Jesus. At the time, my mom had just suffered a succession of serious health problems due to the after-effects of chemotherapy and radiation from the previous year (The cancer was gone, gladly). I was petrified of my mother dying, and she came very close to death a few times. The added difficulty was that she was a single codependent parent, who in my adulthood, turned me into a sort of surrogate spouse, and I was just learning how to identify the dysfunctional relationship in my late 30's, embarking on ways to establish boundaries. Then she got sick and I became her caretaker. I wondered, "How do I live my own life when I've already sacrificed so much of it and will still do anything for her?". I decided that my life is not my own and my purpose is not mine to keep. I asked God to do with me as he will, but please don't take her. Not now. I did things that I didn’t even know I was capable of if it wasn't for God carrying me through. Then there was one moment I was with my mom, when I was severely sleep deprived with no one to lean on, I felt God looking through my own eyes and he knew my sacrifice. Only he knows, and I knew that he knew. Nobody else needed to know. He knows my heart.

I began witnessing profound miracle after miracle. I almost felt guilty because my ex that I had left behind 2,000 miles away had just lost his father after a long battle and my mom was overcoming one mountain after another. I hesitated doing any energy healing on her because I moved away from New Age practices, but it calms her, so I attempted laying hands on her and asked for "The Golden Healing Light of Christ", and certain words were given to me while I was doing it. ("Hand of my Hand. Body of my Body...") The crazy thing is, another little miracle happened. I was listening with my entire heart now and gratitude exploded from every pore of my body and my entire being. This was my shift from a long period of desolation to joy, and I mustn't ever forget the touch of God that I profoundly experienced. We just put up the Christmas tree together tonight as I'm writing this. I'm absolutely over the moon that I get to have another Christmas with my Mom.

God Writes Straight with Crooked Lines

Pain is a gift.

That's something I never would have thought would come out of my mouth throughout the nearly 20 years I have been struggling with chronic pain. I have cervical spinal stenosis (which is a narrowing of the spinal canal in your neck) and flattening of the surface of my spinal cord, which is secondary to a moderate kyphotic cervical curve, which you can see in my horrid X-Ray above. Your neck is supposed to have a lordotic (forward facing) curve, and mine goes completely backwards and the vertebrae are pushing against my spinal cord. I could pretty much look up one day and die (lol... I laugh.) But yeah, it's a progressive condition and it's not fun. I also have arthritis, degenerative disc disease, foraminal stenosis (where the nerves branch out) and bone spurs in my neck. I've struggled with it for about 20 years. I've gone through excruciating flares of pain and whiplash from strained tendons. I have quite a lot of trouble with my entire spine and with laxity in the connective tissue that causes joint instability/hypermobility (possibly due to EDS, but it was never diagnosed).

I used to lay on the floor on my back and cry because sometimes it would feel like my face or skull had to crack and I wanted to pull my head off of my body because the burning pain was so much that I couldn't focus my eyes. I also struggled for 15 years or so with a chronic digestive condition that caused cyclical vomiting and attacks of abdominal pain. They still can't really figure out what the cause is, but the symptoms resemble biliary colic, although I never have stones... My gallbladder just gets swollen and inflamed and the biliary duct dilates.

I used to cry out to God, feeling nothing but a dark painful hole inside. The condition(s) held me back a lot in my life and I always felt that some family members were disappointed in me (and they were), but they didn't understand what I was going through. They would see me "looking normal" or working out and I guess figured it wasn't that bad. Nothing really helped to mitigate the pain that the condition causes and surgery is a last resort. Due to the reverse curve, I am not a candidate for artificial disc replacement. Eventually, if it gets to the point where I can no longer hold my head up at all, I suppose I'll have to consider the anterior cervical disc fusion. For now, I refuse to curl up in a ball in defeat--I stay active, train my body, eat a healthy diet and try to maintain a healthy weight. The intense flares happen less frequently now, but I still have constant pain and stiffness. The pain sometimes can radiate to my chest and ribs. Not surprisingly, this condition contributed to a long-term struggle with depression. Besides the pain, I was often haunted by a fear of dying alone with absolutely no one to take care of me, since I have no siblings, no children, no nieces or nephews and I'm the youngest person in my little family.

As disgruntled as I was that so much of my life felt like it had been stolen, what I've been through has helped me to really understand those who are suffering. I can say that I know pain and suffering, both physical and emotional, and I can help others through that. I was a massage therapist for 13 years, so I have a genuine desire to help others to heal. "MY pain" became part of my story that I had begun to identify with. Now, if I had the chance to rewrite my story, I would still choose this burden. It has given me insight and humility in many ways. Things have never come easy to me. It has made me grow in spirit and it has helped me to love with more of myself and to have more empathy. I can't believe I have come to admit this, but I don't want God to take this away now, because then I will have learned nothing and I'm afraid I would lose a sense of humbleness. I'm afraid that I would forget what it's like to suffer and get too used to it. That I might lose the sense of deep gratitude for life and God's blessings. I told God not to heal me, heal my mom. I gladly accept this cross to carry.

So yes, pain is a gift. It has given me an opportunity to grow closer to God and to NEED him. My spine is a LITERAL physical representation of God "writing straight with crooked lines". It's how he got me to be right where he wanted me to be and yearning for him in my life.

Father Wounds and the Wounds of Sex

When I was five years old, my father cheated on my mom and left. This early abandonment created a strong distrust in my foundation of faith and sense of safety. Our parents love us, protect us and won't abandon us. If a parent abandons us, then how can we trust in the existence of a heavenly father? There was always a skepticism and doubt about the world around me that required proof to believe in anything as true, especially with regard to divine providence. Still, I strongly felt that something was always guiding and protecting me. My father and I had somewhat of a relationship over the years, but we weren't close. He didn't know how to be a dad and really didn't want to be one. I blocked some things out for so long that I wondered if I was even remembering correctly. We are friends now and that's all we can really be. In extending an opportunity for him to give love, ultimately, he still twisted the give to take, and I see that our relationship can only ever be as strong as he will let it be. With some individuals, you'll find that your relationship with them will only ever be as strong as the capacity at which they are capable of giving or receiving. If one person gives of themselves and sacrifices everything and the other person does not, the relationship can only ever be as strong as the person withholding will let it be. 

I was baptized as a baby, received confirmation and attended ERE/CCD classes up until I was about 12. Soon after that, I dove right into listening to Smashing Pumpkins, Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails. I was the first real goth girl in my school. At 14, I had my first kiss and sexual experience...with a girl. We used to go to the theatres to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show--the ultimate gateway movie to ensnare young people into a life of debauchery and sinfulness ("Don't Dream it, Be it" and "Give yourself over to absolute pleasure, swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh..." Yeah, and I still remember every darned word of the songs and every line of that silly movie.) She and I loved one another, and we were together for 2 years before I had my first boyfriend when I turned 16. I was a textbook case of a girl with father wounds and low self-esteem, seeking affection from men and father figures in unhealthy ways...Yadda Yadda. I was even a dominatrix for a short time. Nothing too crazy. Most men were into humiliation. In my 20's and most of my 30's, I dabbled in Tantra (no deity worship), and although I can take some positives from that, it didn't result in any healing. With some of the practices, I thought that I was healing my sexual wounds, but I wasn't healing anything at all because all that I had been offered were ways the Self could make the Self better, and ultimately that yielded nothing and was spiritually vacuous.

I feel like I'm finally learning at 39, as late as it may be, how to do things right and how to have a deep respect for my body. To not only realize that those "I am not the body" meditations are complete horse poo, but actually really dangerous. I don't need sex for validation that I'm loved anymore. I don't need to get passive aggressive if I don't get enough of it (and I never can because that hollow that I was feeling could never be filled, no matter the depths a man could possibly reach.) That fullness could only be felt in my heart with a deep love for God. I don't want to be with someone who treats sex like a destination and not a journey. I will no longer give away my sexual energy to those who do not appreciate my gifts and giving nature. If I do end up getting married, I will enter into that holy union properly. As a divine communion--a sacred ecstatic dance with God and creation itself. I cannot go back to old ways, habits or patterns. To do so now would be telling God, "I know what you want me to do, but I'm not going to do that." It may be really hard for me, but that's okay. I'm used to difficult things. Sex, physical touch, giving all of myself--that's a big part of my love language. God isn't a tyrant, though, and isn't possessive. I don't think my calling will be to a celibate life, but we'll see what his will is for me. 

Maybe I'll be able to have a child, but maybe not. If only my ovaries defied age like my face apparently does. People at my new job thought I was about 20 years younger than I am--Get the ENTIRE heck outta here! LOL I had been feeling kinda self-conscious about myself lately so that sort of put a pep in my step this week. Bless their silly little hearts. 

If you stuck with me and read this entire thing, bless your silly little heart, too.