Today's scripture reading reminds me that Jesus has already promised what I've always wanted in the deepest part of my heart. To have a kind of love where someone is so deeply within me, and I within them.
Jesus is the vine. "Abide in me, and I in you", he says.
I have to ask myself... am I living as though Jesus is within me? Are my actions an extension of him residing within me? Am I befriending sinners and helping them to draw near to God? Am I spreading the word of God? Am I serving the poor? Am I healing others?
I have been asking amiss. In prayer, I have not sought to be like Christ before asking the Lord to answer my prayers. My heart is not like His. Not truly. I was still being selfish and clinging onto things that I just didn't want to let go of. I know that trust requires me to stop clinging and to fully surrender. In this way only can I glorify him and become a tzaddik (tzadik/tzadika - female/tzaddiq or saddiq in Aramaic).
I am still unraveling the mystery He revealed to me during Holy Week when he spoke directly to my heart and he is leading me down a distinct narrow path, but darkness abounds. I have been dealing with spiritual attacks for the past few weeks (the weeks following Holy Week). I'm not surprised that the evil one would want to come after me hard following the consolations during Holy Week. This confirms even more to me that I was drawing nearer to Him.
Last week I was very distressed, and talking to my ex (who was a minister) made things a little worse. I was feeling as if God used me as an instrument to bring others back to him, only to leave me in the dust. But this is not true. I rebuke this. I was upset that someone, who destroyed my heart in so many ways, is now praying for ME and telling me I am not following Christ's words. It was probably a truth I just wasn't willing to hear in that moment. I, in fact, was not following what was clearly and plainly laid out in scripture. I wasn't really following the equation, and I was wondering why my "result" wasn't equating with what I thought I was putting in.
It was me, not him. I was in a bad place. A negative place and with a spirit of fear which was not given by God. It's not his fault. He has learned and grown a lot.
God had to break him. Unfortunately, it was painful for me as well and I was present with him during the time before he surrendered to God again. God's grander plan required me to play a part in his story as much as he is playing a part in mine. I do not blame him. I give love fully to him and I support his new rising ministry.
Please pray for me and help me to renounce these evil spirits, as I know I have work to do here while I'm on this Earth.
Love, and truly IN CHRIST,
Nicole
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