Day 1 of St. Michael's Lent - Resistance and Temptation

It's Day 1 of St. Michael's Lent and I'm already being struck hard by the evil one. Part of what I'm leaning into for my heart is remaining completely celibate during this time. I usually have a very high sex drive, and I'm no stranger to temperance, but I'm finding it harder than usual. In fact, it's quite ridiculous and overwhelming. To the point I know it's a temptation to throw me off.

I recently scoffed at the idea I could be celibate (a state of being) and while I do exercise chastity for the most part, I knew I could never choose celibacy as a way of life. This made me realize I have a particular resistance that begs some investigating. Perhaps I'm too attached to this urge/drive itself and the unwillingness to let it go. Perhaps I have a belief that my need is too strong. Or that I fear I could never do it (celibacy). Maybe because I think I have a weakness... and I do.

I would suggest that people do not throw stones here, because we are all sexual beings and to deny that is to deny our nature as God created us. This is an area of struggle for many people. I don't think it does anyone any good to not talk about things like this. Many of the saints struggled in the area of their sexuality. This just happens to be one of the things I'd like to experiment with having more control over. I don't feel victimized by my desires, nor guilty or anything. I just wish to be free from attachments, doubts, fears and resistance in my life.
 

St. Michael's Lent (Aug 15-Sept 29)

Today is day 1.

I will send a message soon to those who wanted to do this with me... and perhaps do like we did last time for the "Fasting for Miracles" group. I'll ask everyone for some prayer requests. Now is a good time to think about what our own personal struggles or vices are... things that keep us from being closer to Christ or areas we need to improve or have more discipline with. Something we can cut out of our lives or limit. Self-denial... not just from food but what really has an impact on our hearts.

Adding the St. Michael Chaplet prayer to each of these 40 days will be very beneficial. I also have some other resources that are helpful on this journey of prayer and fasting. 

The Wounded Healer

God calls me to healing by the strangest of avenues...

Even if I'm like, "Oh, I think I'll go back into filmmaking!"... He's like, "No, honey... you ARE the wounded healer."

I went out for a walk tonight, asking God why he has put me in the situation I'm in. Why I find myself in a similar position so often in life. (I swallow my own grief and wounds... sometimes caused by the very person who comes to me or who presents themself in need of my prayers.) No matter MY heart and it's aching... I must rise above myself to take care of others.

Jesus sat with me on my porch tonight. I told him I love him between sobs. I realize what my eyes are actually looking at in front of me. a boulder on a small hillside shaped like a heart. I know he loves me, too, and he approves. 

I'm so tired of not being the one who is loved. I'm tired of fixing the broken... and yet I love the broken that you give to me, Lord. I still give you gratitude.

Help me and guide me, Lord. May I know what to do or say so I may help the souls in need.

I am your servant... I am your friend. I am your beloved.

“Poi si tornò all’eterna fontana.”

 

Or, as CS Lewis quotes from Dante at the end of A Grief Observed... "poi si torno all'eterna fontana."

(That is perhaps a better reply to the original prompt.)

That roughly translates to "Then unto the eternal fountain she turned". By this he meant that his late wife turns unto God, the eternal fountain of life and grace.

Ed Glosser, Trivial Psychic: Limited Usefulness - SNL

Who remembers Christopher Walken's "Trivial Psychic" SNL skits from the early 90's? I thought of them today as I was driving home from evening mass and how my random little gifts of somewhat accurate prophecy seem to have pretty limited usefulness... especially among those in my little community.

Dis is me... 😂

What is Holy Desire?

O mystery, O source
O center of my heart
You are my breath

that fills me

a Love greater than any earthly desire...

So,

What IS holy desire?

This came to me last night in prayer, and I think God wants me to focus on what good, ordered desire feels like. To understand the difference between that and the disordered desire (or the inordinate desire OF desire). I intellectually grasp the distinction. But do I feel it?

Have I felt holy, beautiful, Godly desire?

Perhaps I do know. Perhaps my heart can tell the difference in shifting from one to the other. But it's worth looking deeply into... just to make sure. ;-)

Desire from unmet needs is not bad, because even in its disordered form, it’s pointing to our deeper need. Our longing for God.

In order to know what Holy Desire is, I can say what it is not. It is not lust, it is not use, it is not imposing limitations by creating an idol. 

So Holy Desire must result in the opposite of limitation. Giving freedom and limitlessness... not using but setting free. Just as Christ poured himself out on the cross for us... He thirsted for us. He has holy desire for us. A holy desire to sacrifice, to give. This kind of desire does not possess or keep another bound, but allows the other to open fully. It unlocks them, unbinds them. 

Holy desire is a longing to pour yourself out completely dry for another.

What does this kind of desire feel like?

It hurts. It aches and bleeds. But whereas disordered desire comes from a place of lack and is a hunger seeking to fill a hole (which never can be filled by the thing that is sought after), this is a divine hunger coming from a place of completion and fulfillment (God), wishing to share (itself) with others. To give it all away. It doesn't need. It doesn't lack. It doesn't take. Holy desire draws the other UP to God. In full bliss. God longs to draw us all up to His bliss. 

Holy Desire is the All coming together with the All and realizing it is itself. 

❤️

Desiderio (a poem)

It's not too late... Make room for the Miracle!

The scripture passages in my "Fasting for Miracles" book had me crying like a baby today. Everything was pertinent to my current situation and state of my heart. It also referenced a message I woke up to one morning, spoken to my heart by God. It makes sense now. 

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

(From Feb. 9, 2024:

"The first words in my head this morning upon waking:

"Step aside and greet her. One cannot move through changes if ye are still.")

I wrote about this in my blog back in February (Moving through changes), but maybe the message is similar to the girl who was not dead, just sleeping. ("Make room, for the girl is not dead, but sleeping." Matthew 9:24-26) Also, I get in my own way (disbelief).

It's not too late. It's not over.

"Make room for the miracle!"

I have been waiting a long time... Jesus is getting ready to work.

He needs my desperate cry.

The story isn't over. There is hope.