The Girl

What does she want--the girl?
Like the shimmer of the moon on the dark water's skin
she jumps and flits
Afraid to stay too long
She takes to the forests
Like a wolf on four paws
running free
just wanting to be
wanting to see
how far she can go, with no bags on her back.

But what does she want--the girl?
She knows love exists because the moon tells her so

She's seen him walk among the crows
        the one
                      her soul calls to

She knows her soul is violet.

What does she want--the girl?
She is not lost but she wanders.
telling stories about the Ocean
on her lips
in her blood
She is water.
They tell her they feel safe with her
even though her power could take them under

And then she sees the moon, reflecting on herself
and she knows she is the moon, too.

What does she want--the girl?
to see how it all fits together
to somehow be water
and find a way to dance with fire.

Constellations

Little black wolf cries out at the moon...

Little Black wolf Cries out at the moon, "Why have you left me, my love, down here all alone?"

I do my lightwork in the Shadows

The language that I speak.

I breathe in your pain like black smoke

but it does not leave me weak.

Warrioress of silken night,

All the world’s a dream.

Break on through to the bright white light

and weave another scene.

I exhale pure love through my lips

That cracks your heart open to be free…

Quietly I’ll walk away

You never knew that it was me.

The Demon Who Loved Me

I'll tell you a story about a demon who loved me.
He would often whisper in my ear
Trying to get me alone in the night
So his voice is all I could hear.

His shadow was always two steps behind
Even when I thought I'd tricked him
He would emerge again from the dark
and drink my spirit within him

He resented my wings and would pluck at their tips
with his curled black claws
then run them down my soft white cheek
as I cried into his arms

As much as I tried to get away
He told me I was his
that I would never be free
and I should just give in

He loved me so much he wanted my misery
So I would leave my mortal coil
To join him in his dark abyss
Together as one in his kingdom of spoils

One day the whispers stopped
I wondered where he'd gone
That painful empty hole inside
Had left my weary bones

I awoke one day and saw a feather at my bedside
He loved me so much he let my wings grow
He loved me so much
He let me go
He let me go....


*(A Poem about overcoming depression)

Synchronicity & Thank You to Keanu Reeves

***Update: I did end up meeting Keanu Reeves in 2018. You know how they say, "don't meet your idols?" Lol... 

At a book signing in Los Angeles, I shook his hand, chatted with him a bit, and then he cut me off while speaking. I was a bit insulted, to be honest. Perhaps I was speaking too softly and it's a misunderstanding, but it felt pretty rude and abrupt the way he did it. After meeting him, I didn't work on that screenplay for about 5 years! I mostly lost interest in the script and then life got kind of crazy. I did realize though, how I have often been inclined to make idols out of people, in the sense that I put them before God. Now, I am thankful for being given this opportunity to learn and grow, and to become better for God. I still am grateful for what was awakened within me. He did ignite something special. It was inside me all along! I still took a lot of artistic inspiration from him which became part of me. 

And I actually did end up learning how to ride, too, by the way. I got my motorcycle license... I never got my own motorcycle or continued riding, but I did what I set out to do and gained the experience. I know I can do anything I set out to do. 

***

Over the past several months, I have been experiencing a series of synchronicities in my life, all connecting in some way to Keanu. So--I started paying attention and followed these gentle (and sometimes not so gentle!) nudges from the universe. It's as if I'd been asleep for a long time and have just begun to awaken again. He ignited me. He sparked inspiration--the creative juice of the universe! The screenplay I'm writing now was inspired by him and I have to thank him for that. I've had this story inside me for a while and his words are what brought it all to life. His art inspired my art. Also, thanks partly to him, I have found my spirit medicine from the Black Wolf, which I will explain more later. I think Keanu has some black wolf in him, too.

The thing that particularly inspired me was a comment he made on his art book, Shadows, that he co-created with artist Alexandra Grant. He said, 

"Is fear tied to shadow?  Yes.  But shadow is also pretty cool... you can make rabbits."  

I'm not sure if he even knows how deep that was. Or maybe he does. It's so simple yet so profound and very symbolic. It's taking something dark, and making it into something pure. There's a certain childlike profundity to it that's almost like the channeled information I would sometimes receive from spirit guides. Something simple, but beautiful--a profound concept communicated in a way we can understand as humans. The image of the shadow rabbits and the Jungian concept of the shadow really resonated with me, as I had been dabbling again with some shamanic shadow work, soul retrieval and journeying recently. The word "Shaman", itself, means "to burn" or to "set on fire" (pretty metal lol), so I was drawn to the idea of taking that darkness and holding it up to the light. Setting it on fire, and purifying it. Keanu's words sparked an idea that inspired the opening scene of my screenplay and helped me develop the whole theme.  

I even took some creative influence from his motorcycle riding.  I started re-reading the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which I had read ten years ago and drew some inspiration from that.  I always loved that book and how the narrator slowly reveals the character "Phaedrus", at first as a ghost, and then as part of his divided identity. It examines philosphical concepts, the beauty of nature, the "ghosts" we all believe in, the classic vs. romantic understanding of the world and how the buddha can reside as comfortably in the gears of a motorcycle as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower (Kind of Feynman-esque). My Phaedrus in my story is female, and I am determined to encapsulate a depth, intrigue, vulnerabilty, intelligence and strength within the character.  I might decide to do some "research" and try riding, myself.  

I will share one of my little meaningful coincidences with you, which led to my discovering the spirit medicine of the Black Wolf...

After a day of treating myself to a massage, coffee and some new books, I drove home--totally blissed out--in the cool evening mountain air, blasting The Clash in the car. It was these two books that I was particularly drawn to and bought them without hesitation.

Medicine Woman (great story!) and the other is my journal.  It wasn't until I got home and started reading Medicine Woman that I noticed the name "Reeves" was on the very first page, credited for illustrations.

This book has brought me the spirit of the Black Wolf.  I feel a strong connection to the black wolf lately. Late at night when I take my walks alone under the stars, I feel myself becoming the black wolf...stalking in the shadows--a love affair with the moon. The black wolf is described as wearing the "black cloak of contemplation". He is more introverted, as opposed to the white wolf who is more extroverted. He tracks through the forests for what he wants, then he comes back to his pack to curl up in the sun and think about it.  He's very loyal and protective of his pack. A lonesome loner, and supposedly a "lone wolf that is afraid to be alone".  I don't know if the latter is necessarily true, for me anyway. There are times when I want to be and times when I don't. I think Keanu's definitely got that black wolf spirit in him. 

Creative inspiration goes hand-in-hand with synchronicity, because they both come from the same universal energy--sexual energy.  When we feel like we're in the right "groove" we're letting this energy flow through us freely.  That is what we are tapping into when we create and when we are inspired.  It's how the universal potential for creation is made manifest in this material plane. Whether we are creating art, music, films, cooking, or even bringing a new life into the world...that is when humans, I think, are at their most beautiful.  When we are expressing ourselves authentically as reflections of the universe (As above, so below).  It's why we are all here, really. To create, to love, and to inspire one another.

I have again found the voice of the poet--the shaman's spirit--that I had tucked away in the cobwebs of my soul.  I'm hoping someday a string will connect our paths together so that I can thank Keanu in person for being a source of creative inspiration. He truly is rare and unique soul, and his light has definitely shined on me.

All the love and best intentions for the highest good,

Xoxo,
~Nicole~

This.

"I believe the masculine is most turned on by guiding the feminine into a depth of unimaginable pleasure. Being present as she completely surrenders into the divine. Losing her mind… Literally ~ Losing Her Mind into the exquisite, infinite unknown. Glowing as she is free of thoughts, free of time, space and existence." 

~Michael Burnstein

Art: Adrian Borda

Sexual Shapeshifting - "Grokking The C*ck"

"You are in the seed, the seed is in you and you are the seed itself." - Serge Kahili King

I've always known that sex and sexual energy is the key to opening the doors to the universe.  Grokking during sex is something that has always come naturally to me.  I have never read about it anywhere, and although I've read a lot of material on Tantra and Shamanism, I feel like most of it is not new to me and what I do (and the way I do it) is what my soul has known how to do for maybe a thousand years.  

Grokking is a Polynesian word for merging with nature's elements to change existing natural conditions.   In King's book, Urban Shaman, grokking is described as merging with something (or someone) and knowing it from the inside in order to change it from the inside.  1 percent of your self-awareness is retained no matter how deeply you grok.

You can grok inanimate objects, the earth, the elements, animals, and even people.  I realized that when having physical or energetic sex, you can grok the other person's genitals or inhabit their entire being, feeling what they feel.  Being completely inside someone, and them inside you--their soul inside your soul.  Going this deep can bring up intense emotions, but once you experience that kind of sexual nourishment... living off of "junk food sex" just won't cut it.  

Grokking while giving oral sex is one of my favorite things to do and I never even realized this is what I was doing until recently.  It is easier with oral than penetrative sex because you focus much less on your own body and it is easier to retain that 1 percent self-awareness.  It is endlessly satisfying for me because I can feel what the other person is feeling and how they are responding to my touch.  

The process of sexual grokking is pretty simple.  You can do it with your eyes open or closed.  If you are merging energetically only and not physically, it is beneficial to close your eyes.  This process is something I discovered on my own and it is very sacred to me.  I share this with much love.  

Here is what you do:

1. Feel your own energy in your body.  You might feel waves of energy, warmth or see colors.  

2. With your intention, have your spirit body "meet" with the other person's energetic spirit body in front of your physical body.  Feel for the appropriateness of this and if it feels okay.  If for any reason it does not feel okay, don't force it.  (Optional: Put your right hand up, palm facing out and send loving energy to their heart.  "Ask" if you can merge with them.)

3. Merge with the other person's energy and feel their spirit body within your spirit body.  You may feel like you have both a vagina and a penis or that your genitals have become one, and stimulating one will cause sensation in both.  You may also feel like your or your partner's energetic penis is large enough to reach up into the chest. You may feel penetration in a new way that you've never felt before.  

4. Try breathing love deeply in, and deeply out.  Receiving and giving love.  Focus on the heart center expanding and let that energy flow to the sexual energy center below the navel.

5. When stimulating the other person, make every touch full of intention and really feel what they are feeling.  

In time, this technique might come more naturally to you and you will naturally grok while giving oral sex or making love.  You don't have to make it a big process every time, but it is good to understand how to feel this energy in the beginning and helps you to stay connected with your partner on a deep level.

You are me and I am you, 
~Nicole~