I'm here, but where are you?

I cannot stay

I cannot stay. In this hour. With my weary bones, wrought soul, bleary eyes.

You knew I would.

You wrote the book.

Of course you knew.

I couldn't stay awake.

The Big, Happy, Beautiful End

Happy are you who mourn

Jesus did not hide his tears, but he entered fully into being human

and wept.

Happy are you

and happy are we

when we are fully alive

When we fully feel

When we are fully present

and allow our hearts to break.

Happy are we to know and to love those who we will lose

to walk with them through their valley

knowing time is short

Those who are close to death have taught me how to truly live

to look at the birds

to feel the breeze

to say "how beautiful it is" 

about anything.

Everything is beautiful when you're walking slowly toward the end. 

and all you have is NOW.

The simplicity of a flower

The stroke of a paintbrush with a swirl of color

The softness of touch

Time no longer exists linearly.

There's no such thing as use

No such thing as selfish pleasures

Only an open heart

sharing with another heart.

A dying man I've loved whose mind is slipping away

has taught me not to take anything for granted

tomorrow truly isn't promised

and love isn't linear either

it's not about reciprocation

it's not about remembering stories we tell

it's not all guaranteed to be the same tomorrow

but it trusts and stays

it sees God in another's soul

and only wishes to be close.

He taught me how to love again

and how to lose when I know loss is the only fate

how to lose without ever "having" at all

how to grasp loosely with grace

and know that love isn't about having or keeping

it's much like the cool, beautiful breeze

though it cannot be seen, it is felt, if only for a fleeting moment

and just like that...

it will be gone.

So, remember to say out loud....

"How beautiful."

Radical Acceptance and Yielding to the Joy of Suffering

I have recently had some rather amazing breakthroughs, and I don't share this to be self-congratulatory, nor am I trying to prove piousness or anything like that, but to try to get closer in my search for TRUTH...to be living proof that there is hope even in what seems like the darkest of circumstances or mental spaces. Also, if I'm going to write a book to help people, it would only be right of me to be honest and authentic about the impactful points of one's spiritual journey. And to be an example of God’s “light” (Nehara) in this world.

I've been going through quite a lot for a long time, and my whole life has been marked by suffering in ways not all people experience. A few months ago, I was thinking about not wanting to be here at all anymore. I have gone through many phases in life, but this is different. I've come to a point of radical acceptance... of where I am, who I am, and of my sufferings. Not only accepting, but enduring with joy. My circumstances have not changed, but my mindset has shifted. My heart. I certainly expect that things can, and even will, get worse, but I know it will be okay because I trust God. I can endure. I can accept my reality and my fate. I'm not resisting or fighting against it all. I may even die alone in the worst way possible, but I'll accept it… because of what Jesus did for me. He did all of this and more, and I love him, and I can endure for Him.

I'm focusing on the people that the Lord has graced me with to serve. Giving all of myself to them. It seemed to happen overnight—Suddenly, I yielded. But I didn't "give up"...I kneeled down and lowered myself. Not as an act, but in joyful service. In the most physical pain I've been in for a long time, I gave hand massages (and a foot massage) to 5 of the memory care residents... just like when I was a massage therapist. I literally got on my knees before each of them on the floor, set a towel on their lap, wrapped their hands in hot towels and then used a nice peppermint massage lotion and allowed them to feel present and cared for by someone with a genuine heart for healing. I'm so grateful to have been called and given this gift to be able to use MY gifts to serve those who the world sees as lowly and useless and forgotten in this society. I believe God puts us places we are meant to be and where we are needed. Where we can offer our unique wisdom and experiences. And these aren't just nice words, because for the past week or so in particular, I have been smiling more (and genuinely), I have been kinder, happier, talking to more people, going out of myself and helping more people out in the world. Showing love and giving my attention, even when it’s inconvenient. I have been more creative and I am pursuing new ventures. It feels like the world is opening up to me. Just because I said YES... to where I am, to who is before me, to loving others, to being present, to BEING love.

Recently after experiencing all this, one of the higher-cognitive residents who was having a really hard time with agitation, isolation and frustration found comfort and peace with me and talked with me for over an hour as lucidly as I've ever heard him speak. (Though, he thinks he's in love with me, which is a whole different can of worms that is a very real and heartbreaking difficulty of my job, but I'm just glad that he feels safe, seen, peaceful, and calm when around me.)

The veterans I work with all have pretty advanced dementia. Please pray for them!

Also pray that I keep persevering and deepening my relationship with the Lord. It’s not coming from a fear of not knowing enough, but because I want know Him. Deeply and personally. I think I'm on the right track. I got back into the routine of praying the rosary every night before bed, and I notice a real difference!

Some of what I've been experiencing is hard to explain with words and to contextualize, but I feel it. I feel more myself than I have in a very long time, too.

I'm not sad about not finding the "right person" or overly focused on that anymore, either. I know that if I really wanted to date, I would. I want the right person or nothing at all. I'm not desperate and have no need to settle. I have been single for almost 4 years now, and it's not because I'm the ugliest person in the world. I'm focusing on other things. Like getting my spine issues taken care of... and I've pretty much been on a 4-year long date with God. My entire lifetime, He’s been trying to “woo me”.