Someone asked this question on X and it went viral. My answer?
No. Not initially.
If you're "nice" to a man, he won't respect you or feel that he has earned you, and men like a challenge. They aren't drawn to intelligence or a good heart in the first 30 seconds that they make up their minds about how they feel about you and whether they're attracted to you, either.
When I posed my view on X, I had some reactions saying that men don't like women who are off-putting or who don't reciprocate, either.
I am definitely not saying a woman should be a b*tch or off-putting, and I'm not saying a woman shouldn't reciprocate and just let it drop. We just can't be too nice initially. We have to have a backbone, and show it. We can't initiate things or be too outgoing right off the bat. Men lose interest. The less said to them initially, the better. Being approachable and getting a man to want to learn more... that's one thing. But if a woman were to divulge too much too soon, there's little left to the imagination and so the challenge is over. She becomes a bore. Too easy. I'm not saying a woman should be off-putting at all, though—a guy has to think he has a chance—but once that spark in their mind is lit, they stoke the flames themselves. We women can't do it, or it puts the fire out. Unfortunately, the ones we actually like, we have a hard time implementing this with. Even if we know better.
My problem is that I don't follow my own advice. Haha. But, at least I'm not a push-over or a doormat anymore.
Like it or not, it's just part of our biology. I know psychologically, one wouldn't want to play games, nor are any of us interested in that... but when it comes down to it... men cannot and should not be pursued by women. Plus, it sets a precedent whereby the woman is in her masculine energy and women don't like to feel that way... especially if the whole relationship henceforth is predicated on that dynamic. Ugh yuck.
Then sometimes what happens when women are "too nice" to men they aren't interested in, the men might mistake their kindness for interest. But that's because the lack of interest on the woman's part makes women less worried about how they're coming off... and that's part of what men are attracted to as well. Haha Oh, so many misunderstandings out there.
Women can definitely lose interest as well. It's a little different, but it's rooted in the same thing. Self-esteem.
I can sense when a man has low self-esteem and it's not an attractive quality. It actually can manifest as disordered behaviors and control issues. I can smell it... especially if they are seeking validation before knowing me or if they are very emotionally needy way too soon.
In each scenario where I initiated things with a man, the relationship turned sh*tty or I was put in the place of feeling like the man. Or perhaps they sensed my wanting them, so they put me at a lower level and many of them ended up taking advantage or hurting me or did not respect me. I have a relatively large sample size to draw this conclusion from. When I was younger, I had much less self-esteem and so I had a lot of jerks use me for what they wanted. Ultimately, of all the people I've dated or had serious relationships with, none of them ended in marriage.
So, over the past 3 years of being single, I've learned a lot and I realized I have to change things. And change myself. I have to focus on cultivating true self-respect and love. Part of the inherent flaw of the "nice girl" is that she's an insecure girl. And no one respects that. Most importantly, ME.
So for all nice girls out there... (and for both sexes) I recommend starting there. Improve yourself first. Make yourself the best version of YOU that you can be. Cultivate a sense of worth and value. Because girl, if you don't FEEL it... they'll never SEE it.
I've never been interested in finding just *someone*. That's why I haven't budged over the past 3 years. I'm not interested in filling a "void". I want the right one or no one. And I'm fine waiting... even if the right one isn't in God's plan.
