Part 1
Where do I begin when writing my magnum opus to the Lord? Do I need to hem and haw when thou knowest my heart better than I and already know what I will say, what I struggle to say, what I will fail to say and what I don't even know, myself? How do I come before you with complaints when I know the complaints are really with myself and my failures against you?
So many nights I whined, "Why?"
"Well, why, then, my daughter?"
Where am I still hardened to your love? Where am I not letting you in?
My obstinate unwillingness to fully accept your will and bear my suffering needs observing.
You healed those I pray for, but I do not resent them nor wish for my healing over theirs. I simply resigned to the notion that I, separate from all others, am the only one undeserving... and what arrogance it takes to think that something should apply only to me.
Part 2
All I wanted was to be loved. And to be beautiful.
But my life brought me a father who abandoned me, repetitive use and manipulation. Psychological and emotional abuse. I've put myself in stupid situations where I allowed myself to be raped, then blamed myself. Suffered with a painful spine condition that's been worsening for over 20 years, now risking paralysis. I spent most of my 20's and 30's dealing with cyclical vomiting and attacks of upper abdominal pain that would often send me to the ER.
Now that I know my worth and dignity and desire what is true and beautiful, will my Heavenly Father really allow me to be crippled, paralyzed or even to die? Will I struggle and die alone with no family or loved ones to care for me? Will God do that to me? I refuse to believe it and I will fight my hardest to keep that fate away. I can't accept it. But I am tired of fighting. My heart is soft and I want to just rest in the peace of safety and being cared for.
At this point, I just feel broken and not exactly desirable. I'm trying to have hope, but it almost requires a certain amount of delulu.
(Updated 5/15/25)
