Lack of Purpose

I had a really tough night last night. My chronic pain levels were terrible, my mindset was terrible, and I'd been feeling really down about my future. I felt like I really needed God's word, so I actually went back and listened to some "Bible in a Year" last night while lying on the floor in pain, and it happened to be day 131 "Hope for the future" (The stories of Tamar, Amnon and David in 2 Samuel 13/Chronicles 17/Psalm 35.). 

Like Father Mike mentioned in the episode... I am one of those who feel used up and like I can never be loved again. He said to hear the words in my ears and let the words of God penetrate my heart... that I'm not unlovable, that I'm not disqualified from being loved truly and forever...but I just can't believe it. (It's one of the "special usages" of belief that C.S. Lewis talked about in the second chapter of "The World's Last Night"... where a rather weak degree of opinion becomes stronger on the negative side—"I don't believe you".). And while I completely WANT to believe this is true, evidence suggests otherwise, so it's hard to fully submit to "I believe". It's hard to believe at this point that my future is redeemable and full of hope. So much time has been lost. I feel like I'm so broken in the ways that I even think, that I can never really heal that. I don't feel I have a purpose here. I do feel kind of dead and that my future, my life, is over. I don't know why, if I love Him, he does not want a good life for me. 

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

Does he not know I love Him? Do I not love him correctly? Am I doing everything wrong? If I can't do any of it right, why is he keeping me here? What even is my purpose?

I feel like I can only really perceive his love for me in the way my father loved me… which was, he knew I existed. But I wasn’t worth putting effort into. I didn’t make it into his “schedule”.

And it's not that I can't be loved insofar as one might be capable. But it's never enough... and no one ever truly knows another interiorly, as God does. I feel like those who love me just love projections of me... or they're obsessed with an idea. Or they just want to control or possess. 

Despite my honest attempts, I just feel like I can't receive God's love. And if I fail at that, I feel like I failed this life.