Let me preface this by saying that I've read TOB and West's companion book, however...
It really does come down to suppression IN THAT WAY. Yes, there are many ways to express Eros in general, but in that way...
There's just something missing here entirely for me. It doesn't answer the question of that very important desire to express love in that way being fulfilled. It doesn't always have to be twisted and a disordered form of lust when you have sexual desire towards someone.
Maybe you want to give to them and sacrifice in the way God intended, but you just can't. I find it rather sad. Ultimately, it's a choice entered into (sort of), but it's the one area of TOB where I find it difficult to know where to direct that eros besides thanking God for the person and for the beauty and for the feelings that arise... (yup, I get it) there just isn't anywhere for that energy to go from there. It stops in its tracks and has to be directed into another avenue.... another form of giving. Tell me how the sexual urge isn't actually suppressed here.
Now, I may being going into "TMI" territory here, so if you blush easily or you are a family member of mine, you may not want to read further.
Over the past two and a half years being single, I have remained true to not engaging in the sexual act (the marital embrace) in a disordered way, yet I have not completely successfully refrained from self-pleasure (although much less than I used to!).
Sometimes I enter into "ecstatic states"... kind of like energy orgasms... with no physical touch. It was actually happening a little bit today while driving. I felt chills go up my back like a wave, similar to the body sensations of an orgasm but without the genital stimulation.
Another thing that happens... If it's been a very long time and then there IS a physical release, I sometimes experience ESO's, or extended-state orgasms, with multiple peaks that roll into one another, and it can go on for 20-30 minutes. It's kind of annoying. However, it has been less of an interference in my life lately.
Even though I have a relatively high sex drive, it is well-tempered now. Not LOWERED, necessarily, just controlled.
I am in no way arguing with the beautiful body of text that comprises the Theology of the Body, and I do not wish to be obstinate or argumentative, but this is an area of TOB that I've had a hard time with in my personal experience while trying to remain chaste and while striving toward celibacy (at least during this time of non-union/singlehood) and I genuinely wish to understand how to either overcome or integrate or whatever I need to do with this undirected form of love I need to give. And it isn't even about something as selfish as having a high drive. That can be just an excuse. Perhaps some people are just predisposed to needing to give in this particular way and to sacrifice for another and be a gift of self in this way. I do not think I was made for singlehood, personally. I NEED to give and to express Eros in this form. I just don't think it's possible to actually redirect the actual sexual desire besides repressing it and letting the energy itself take other forms. It's just not the same.
No comments:
Post a Comment